wow, thanks all for the support. I really figured I'd just fade away from here. I doubt I'm as much help as you all make out, however, I do help myself by reading through the experiences on here. Some make me feel worse, some better, the average is steady steps forward.
Anyway, I kept hearing some scratching and scampering noises from my inbox. It turned out that two odd critters had infested my email and were causing a ruckus. I tried shooing them away but the darn pests kept running in circles making more noise. It was either get rid of them permanently or adopt them. So, Stephanie and Jayne, you've officially been adopted into my family. I hope you like dogs, we have two.
I am going to paste, with edits, what I replied to Steph. Everyone deserves to hear from me for good or ill..
QuoteSteph, thanks for thinking of me. Thank Jayne as well, I don't have her direct contact.
I'm alive (obviously) with no negative intents that way, I don't know what I am at this point. I peruse the forums and I just feel like an outsider. I simply don't feel like I belong. I try to fit in, respond here and there, I watch posts and replies jump over my comments as if they don't exist while others hold full and sometimes nonsensical conversations. When I try to make helpful comments, someone else says it better with more detail ... why reply at all, obviously what I had to say was just a wasted text box.
Body dysphoria is real bad right now. I'm OK when my wife and I are together. We talk a lot, we're on the same page, everything is good on the home front. Alone, not so good. My brain goes into overdrive and I get a doom-and-gloomy. The only thing that clears my head right now is her. It's a lot to put on her, being short like she is (you know how short people are). Seeing all the positive, good-looking, posts simply exacerbates the problem. I'm not a poor-me sort. I don't like making sob-story posts just to get the 'pat on the back, it'll be OK' attention. When I find myself replying to something upbeat or positive with my moody-gloom, then it's time to shut up.
Take care and know that I'm thinking of you. Plans are still moving forward for vow-renewal service in 4 years. That'll give you plenty of time to prepare. Probably June 19'ish 2020 .. our anniversary is the 19th so it'll likely be a close weekend date to that .. nothing firm yet.
I'd like to point out, Steph and others, that does not mean wait 4 years to meet any of you. I expect a more reasonable 1st time meet up to occur.
I edited out the bad hair day pics that I had shared with Steph. ugliness abounded. The nail pic was pretty good. A close match for Steph's lavender. I like sparkles though. Here's a picture to show the Steph isn't the only one that can pull of the color. (funny how we both chose the color separately at the same time). I know I know, hers is lavender and mine is really purple .. just go with it.
Also, a picture from the back that hides the ugly. Hmm, I suppose I need to add the story behind that as well:
QuoteI asked Lori if she would curl my bangs a bit to keep them out of my face until I decide what I'm doing with it. WELL .. needless to say, she got carried away just a tad. At least I got to sleep on it to flatten things back out a bit.
As you can see, I haven't give up on me I'm just having some really off days.
