Quote from: Jessica_Rose on March 25, 2019, 11:04:16 PMI hope everything works out well for you Cassie.
Hi Jessica,
Thank you for the positive thoughts! It's been some time since I've been on here since that incident occurred. I just narrowly avoided termination though I had that hanging over me for almost a month before the final disposition was reached. Needless to say, it did no favors for my stress level. Instead, I've been put on a 90-day "performance improvement plan" with weekly meetings and an evaluation every 30 days.
The director and assistant director of my department (both of whom have known me from before) admitted to me that they'd be in trouble if I had been let go. I was already more-or-less aware of that fact but I don't really like it to be that evident.
This whole incident has caused me to re-evaluate some of the aspects of my life as it stands right now. That period of nail-biting angst during which I didn't know if, at the end of each work day, it might be my last. Even though that period of uncertainty is in the past, I remain fully aware that it would only take one more (possibly minor) slip-up to bring everything crashing down. During the second or third of those weekly meetings, I told the directors as much. They tried to reassure me that my job was no longer in danger but I know for a fact that the higher-ups wanted me gone. There would be no second chance and my "get out of jail free" card was all used up.
I told them that I do still feel like I have a sword hanging over my head and that, try as I might to ignore it, it still weighs upon my mind and distracts from the more important things in my life. I told them that I can't continue this way but would carry out my job duties to the best of my ability and make sure things are as up-to-date and running as smoothly as possible during the 90-day period.
"At the end of the 90 days, I intend to start looking for another job." I told them, barely holding back tears.
After working there for 16 years, the prospect of leaving almost drives me to tears but given recent events, so does the prospect of staying. There used to be something of a family atmosphere around there years ago but that's mostly gone now. Of course, the directors, having been friends with me for over a decade, seemed worried that I felt that way about them as well. I told them that it was not them but the organization as a whole. Thinking about it now though, that was a lie - well, maybe a half-truth. That particular friendship is like some of the others I've lamented about as I've gotten further along in my transition. Where there used to be periodic invitations to come by and visit after work or special occasions on the weekends, now there is nothing. It hurts...a little. I understand that they might miss "him" but there isn't much I can do about that.
For a while now, I've been willing to endure driving an hour each way to and from work because I genuinely enjoyed working there. All I can do now is regard each Sunday night as a prelude to "jumping back on the hamster wheel again". Running as fast as I can and getting nowhere, stretching out into infinity until I can no longer function in either mind, body or spirit.
I can't live like that anymore. I
won't live like that anymore. This year promised to be a year of changes and thus far, it's threatening to not disappoint. I'm working on changing so many other things right now that I'm afraid I might hit some limit and it will all fall apart.
The shedding of facets of that past life has been going on for a while now. This is just one more, albeit one of the larger ones. Maybe this is just something else I need to let go of and make a fresh start. The prospect of starting somewhere new is certainly an appealing one if for no other reason than the fact that no one there will know anyone other than Cassandra. The occasional misgendering that happens still to this day will come to an abrupt end.
I just have to have the courage to choose a direction and take that first step.
Hugs to you and all my friends both near and far! This would be a lot more difficult without you!
