« on: December 28, 2021, 07:28:35 am »Five years ago, I was an angry person full of rage. At one time just a heartbeat away from ending their life and lives of their entire family. On this day five years ago, I had an epiphany. I discovered the source of my anger. Only five years have passed, but to me it was a lifetime. During those years:
- Jessica Rose was born.
- A daughter graduated college.
- A brother passed away.
- My mom passed away.
- My wife and I battled COVID-19.
- A daughter got married.
- My wife and I remarried.
- My wife and I relocated closer to family.
- An aunt passed away.
Woven around those events were therapist visits, laser hair removal treatments, medical appointments, a courtroom appearance, over 600 hours of electrolysis, and multiple surgeries.
As a storm approaches you instinctively seek shelter. As the storm intensifies you try to protect what is most precious to you. You hold on for dear life to the sturdiest thing you can find, hoping its strength will help you survive. As the storm rages, sometimes it wrenches things from your grasp. Eventually the storm subsides, then you can survey the damage left in it's wake. Despite your best efforts, some of your most precious things have been carried away by the storm, while others have survived with various amounts of damage. Some of the damaged items can be fixed, while others may have been damaged beyond repair. Some items which meant nothing before may now hold a special meaning, as somehow they survived and stayed by your side. Transitioning is one of the greatest storms anyone will ever face.
My storm of transition has passed. Despite tremendous odds, everything that was most precious to me survived. The few things I lost were replaced by others the storm brought to my doorstep and left behind. The overall damage was minimal, but there were a few unexpected and unintended side-effects. My love for Susan was what I held on to throughout the storm. Although we survived and in many ways grew stronger, our relationship has irreversibly changed. We still love each other deeply and plan to spend our lives together, but part of our relationship was lost. I'm just beginning to understand how large of a loss that was. I'm hopeful the spark we once shared will one day return.
Some reminders of my journey will always be treasured, while others remind me too much of my past and must be left behind. One item which falls into both categories is the compass I used to help guide my journey, Susan's Place. I find it to be a constant reminder of a painful past I need to leave behind. I won't rule out occasional return visits, but I'm going to step away for a while. I thank all of those who helped me along the way, and I hope my experiences will help some of those who follow. I wish all of you a safe journey.
Five years ago transitioning seemed to be an impossible dream, today that dream is my reality. My daily struggle with anger is gone. My relationship with my daughters is better than ever. My wife is still by my side. I have a new life, and I have hope for our future.
When I started my journey, I looked in the mirror and told myself that I was going to 'make one ugly woman'. Now when I look in the mirror I see a beautiful woman staring back. Some days I'm not quite sure who she is. As I look at her reflection I shake my head in wonder... and then she smiles.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
My Journey
by Jessica Rose
His mind fraught with pain.
Protecting her all his life.
In darkness she waits.
Consumed with anger,
He sensed his end approaching.
He must set her free.
He shared his secret.
Gentle light now bathed her soul.
She began to grow.
Soon she became strong.
For her to bloom, he must fade.
His silent goodbye.
Surgery finished.
Reminders of him are gone.
His journey complete.
Her soul emerges.
Painful memories recede.
She is free to be.
Awake from her sleep.
Her mind and body align.
Her eyes open wide.
At last, I am she.
A new world beckons me on.
My journey begins.
Her new life awaits.
Her soul dances in the sun.
She is finally me.
