(Reposted from the parent general discussion board because of lack of replies)
If I start to think of it, I wonder why in the hell do I have so many illnesses/disorders and complications (my gender and sexuality issues), and I feel somewhat like I'm defective and unlucky compared to others, and don't have the same access to success as other Americans.
I have:
- GERD (chronic heartburn, got bad enough to give me difficulty swallowing, have to be on acid reducers indefinitely)
- IBS (irritable bowel syndrome, unstable gastrointestinal system, can be crippling and especially triggered by stress, limiting me from getting extremely stressful work, raised hell on me for six months in 2011 and took many months for it to subside, but is always lurking)
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder (result of many years of stress and anxiety, including from when I was in college and going through the Bush years and the Great Recession, makes me easily overwhelmed by anxiety and see things in a very disastrous way, got bad enough to make me unable to function until I started taking an SSRI)
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (my earliest disorder, hurt me for at least 12 years of fear that I was losing my mind (would prey on my fear and feed on it in a positive feedback loop), would bombard me with a lot of unwanted thoughts (including thoughts of doing a number of horrendous things), and ruined one romantic relationship. It still haunts me in some ways, including battling against my progress with my gender issues.) I also tend to run around in circles on issues, which has led to speculation within my mom and sister that OCD affects my thinking process.
- ADHD - Seriously inhibited my ability to learn and concentrate when I was in college, I had to spend a lot more time than other people in order to study. I had a hard time taking notes and remembering things from lectures, leading to lower grades in some classes. At times I tried to put more than 100% attention on the lecture, but to no success. My mom and sister say that they said many things to me that I simply don't remember hearing. It seriously inhibits my ability to work, especially if it is repetitive work. I get hindered from doing work, which leads to stress and lower self esteem because I'm not as productive as other people. According to a psychiatrist, I can't take regular stimulant medication for this because it would counteract my SSRI.
- Possible Depression: My mom has had chronic depression for decades, I had started to get symptoms of depression, including a lack of interest in things I used to enjoy before, and at many times a feeling of worthlessness. Because my mom and her mom had depression, I'm likely to get depression if I don't keep myself feeling worthwhile.
And of course I have my own gender dysphoria, as well as being sexually fluid, and am of a mixed race, a combination that makes it very hard to find others that are like me (increasing my chance of loneliness issues.)
This all makes me feel very screwed up at times, like why did I have to born like this, and like why did I have to born defective, and makes me feel terrible about myself and makes it hard to keep up my self esteem at times. I fear that even if I pretend its not there, these will eventually hinder my ability to become successful in life.
