This Is Me

[Stevi]

Tonya,

"Does it ever end?"  I am beginning to have my doubts about that as well.  Our old names have spread themselves perniciously throughout society.  Can they ever truly be eradicated?

Stevi

[TonyaW]

Tonya,

"Does it ever end?"  I am beginning to have my doubts about that as well.  Our old names have spread themselves perniciously throughout society.  Can they ever truly be eradicated?

Stevi

Not transitioning until my 50s, I know I'm not going to be able to erase all traces of my male name and life, nor do I totally want to. But going forward, it would be nice if I could get everything Tonya-fied. Just seems like every time I think I have all the name changes in place something else pops up.  Two weeks ago it was an small retirement account I have left from a former job.

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[Stevi]

Tonya,

Reminders for me too.  Yesterday, the tax bills came in the mail.  Both in the old name.  One, of course, is the house and I can just go pay it.  Deal with name at the time.  The other is the personal property taxes on a documented vessel. 42 foot sailboat.  That is a two part answer.  Need to change the tax records and the US Coast Guard documentation at the time of renewal.  I'll get a reminder come next spring.  Double whammy on that one.

Stevi

[TonyaW]

Hey Stevi

I figured out another one that's coming up, my annual membership to the Zoo.  Gives me the feeling that it might be awhile before everything I want changed gets done.

We sold our house before I had changed the name on it so I had to sign everything there "Tonya, formerly known as T..."

I also found out from another thread that I probably screwed up my passport change.  I have everything right for the name change but used the wrong form if I want my gender changed also.

I'll take care of the walk in clinic today, I have an appointment in the same building.  Having some spider veins fixed. One of them is essentially not covered by any skin and will bleed quite profusely when nicked with a razor, which I have now done twice. Second one was what sent me to the clinic.

I'll be rocking the support hose for the next few days.  Not a good thing in heat of July, but better than bleeding to death or hairy legs.

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[TonyaW]

In the car after a color and style. Just a root touch up for the color. Liked the curls enough so went out and bought me a curling iron.
Now to learn how to use it with out burning myself.

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[Northern Star Girl]

In the car after a color and style. Just a root touch up for the color. Liked the curls enough so went out and bought me a curling iron.
Now to learn how to use it with out burning myself.

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@TonyaW
Dear Tonya:   Wow-whee, I love your red hair and of course the curls.... I also love the length, nicely done....  oh yeah, burning yourself with a curling iron is not something that you want to do often.

My hair is straight, so I have to work with it to give it body,  when it was much longer last winter, below shoulder length I had a lot of fun getting the ends curled... so many neat hair styles are available.   
This spring I cut it down to my present length shown in my Avatar ... which in the summer time works better for me because of all of my outdoor activities, running, jogging, hiking, etc.
Thanks for treating your readers and followers to you posts and you latest photo.... you do look wonderful !!!

Hugs, and wishing you well...
Danielle

[TonyaW]

Random ramblings

There has to be a better way to say it than I "used to be a man" or "when I was a man".  Because I wasn't.  I am, and always have been,  a transgender female so I avoid saying that.  Everything else is just kind of awkward.  I used to present as a male? I used to live as a man?  Under the influence of testosterone?   How do you correct someone that says that to you?

Avoided the support hose with the spider vein fix. All I needed was an ace wrap. Looks bruised a bit and in theory won't squirt blood it I cut it shaving again.  I don't intend to find out.  Had to limit my activity the last few days because of the procedure  and now that I don't it's raining so I can't play golf. Guess I should go to the gym. 

State Department cashed my check for my passport name change, so now I guess I wait for the letter telling me I screwed up the gender change part.

I've noticed that my dysphoria has changed from why am I not a girl to more of a missing out on things.  Being 6-2 and 235 pounds I still can get dysphoric when clothes shopping and cannot find things that fit. Those episodes usually pass pretty quickly though. The ones that get to me more are when sometimes I'll see a group of girls at the mall being silly or hanging out or a mom and daughter shopping together and all I can think is "I never got to do that".




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[KathyLauren]

Yes, describing our past accurately is awkward.  The situation hasn't come up where I've had to do it, but I have certainly thought about it.

I really don't want to say "I used to be a man", because I wasn't.  Alternatives I have considered: "Everyone thought I was a man (but they were wrong)"  or "I was trying to be a man".  One of these days, I am going to have to explain to a forum of air force retirees how come I, Kathy, was flying jets 5 years before the first female pilot graduated.  I plan to tell them that no one knew I was a woman back then.

I get the dysphoria over mother/daughter interactions.  However, there's no reason you can't hang out or be silly! 

[NC_Sarah]

I went to my wife's therapist yesterday and her office is full of little sayings and motivation quips. I tend to ignore them but one did make me stop.

When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been.

But she had wings.

Dean Jackson

[KathyLauren]

When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been.

But she had wings.

Wow, that made me cry!

[TonyaW]

I can finally be me

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[Mary1]

I can finally be me

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So the person I married or thought I did marry never really existed.

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[TonyaW]

So the person I married or thought I did marry never really existed.

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Not sure how you get that from a joke about finally running across a diet Coke bottle with my name on it and spelled correctly.

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[TonyaW]

Yes, describing our past accurately is awkward.  The situation hasn't come up where I've had to do it, but I have certainly thought about it.

I really don't want to say "I used to be a man", because I wasn't.  Alternatives I have considered: "Everyone thought I was a man (but they were wrong)"  or "I was trying to be a man".  One of these days, I am going to have to explain to a forum of air force retirees how come I, Kathy, was flying jets 5 years before the first female pilot graduated.  I plan to tell them that no one knew I was a woman back then.

I get the dysphoria over mother/daughter interactions.  However, there's no reason you can't hang out or be silly! 

Thanks for the thoughts.  It hasn't really come up anywhere for me yet either, except with my wife. From her response to my soda bottle post, I'm not doing a very good job of that even with as many words as I need.

I guess I'm trying to explain what it means to be trans in 5 words or less. 




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[NC_Sarah]

Wow, that made me cry!

Me too :-) It was so relevant, it stopped me in my tracks.

[TonyaW]

Seems there has been some talk at the golf course.  I usually play very early in the morning on weekdays and at that time there is usually just the one guy that works the counter, though there has two other guys working there enough that I  recognize them and they would me also. 

I have a weekday only membership which I paid for last fall using the name TJ as my legal name change had not happened yet.
So instead of paying I sign a log, which I sign as Tonya W. I have also only told one person that I see there regularly that my name is Tonya.

So Sunday I go later in the day to practice some after work and the kid behind  the counter says "hi Tonya".  I might have seen him there one other Sunday when I played after work. I would have paid then as my weekday membership does not work on Sundays so he would not have seen my name on the signature log then. 

I've not had any issues there so far and have not heard anything negative at all.
Its always nice to be called by my name and the kid was very nice but later I just had the thought of how would he know my name?

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[TonyaW]

Successfully operated my curling iron.  By that I mean no visible burns and maybe some curl.

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[Northern Star Girl]

Successfully operated my curling iron.  By that I mean no visible burns and maybe some curl.

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@TonyaW   
Oh yeah... "maybe" some curl....  I found that if I dampen my hair slightly (not wet) that the curling iron will do a better job....  consider it "steam curling"   ....   
Good news on not burning yourself, I recall on one of your previous posts last week that you had mentioned possibility.

Thanks for keeping all of us updated.
Hugs,
Danielle

[TonyaW]

@TonyaW   
Oh yeah... "maybe" some curl....  I found that if I dampen my hair slightly (not wet) that the curling iron will do a better job....  consider it "steam curling"   ....   
Good news on not burning yourself, I recall on one of your previous posts last week that you had mentioned possibility.

Thanks for keeping all of us updated.
Hugs,
Danielle

I said "visible burns", which at the time was correct.  It didn't really show until a day later and is mostly hidden by the curls but I got my forehead pretty good, like a real  bad sunburn.  Of course I liked that one so much I had to go an put a matching burn on the other side the next day.

I did also notice that the curls took better when my hair wasn't totally dry after a shower.

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[TonyaW]

Suddenly I See

KT Tunstall


[Verse 1]
Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl

And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm

[Chorus]
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me?
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me?

[Verse 2]
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl

She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word

[Chorus]
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me?
Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me?

[Bridge]
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from the page of a magazine
She makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower, yeah
The power to be
The power to give
The power to see, yeah, yeah (suddenly I see)
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see, yeah, yeah (suddenly I see)
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see, yeah, yeah, yeah (suddenly I see)
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see, yeah, yeah (suddenly I see)
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see, yeah, yeah

[Outro]
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me?
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah? (suddenly I see)
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me? (suddenly I see)
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me?



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