Do you pass or not?

[ChrissyRyan]

I do not get rude comments much nowadays.  I wonder what they think at times.

I just be myself and really that is about all you can do any way. 

I do not care eating out by myself much at all.  But that would be true even if I was not transgender, I think.  So although I may have meals while out, it is not preferred by me.  Sometimes I see people looking.  Maybe they do they to most anyone though while they eat.
I just do not like eating lone in public regardless.  Boring usually, it is.

Most situations are just fine being out and about.

How about for you?


Chrissy

[lalaland]

Not yet - I'm still outwardly presenting as male.

I have started to completely epilate the hair on my body though, and will begin the process of growing my hair out. It's only been about 3 days since I started HRT.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I don't pass fully yet. Close up interactions I'm still addressed as male more often. However I have had many occasions before my name changed where at doctors, dentist, opticians etc they were struggling to find me as were looking for a guy, but didn't see one. At doctors I was only person in the room and they didn't see me as male. Also a club doorman referred to me as darling at a glance lol.

In my own mind I'm mixed. I think I see androgynous in me. But it's really hard to judge from my own point of view. I also wonder what changes will help me pass better.

I'm going to grow my hair and colour it red and at least sometimes put some waves in it. Also will get my eyebrows microbladed. Both will help I'm sure. Then FFS should make things much more convincing.

I'd love to know others thoughts oh how close / far I am from passing.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

I think you are already there.

We know our own flaws, so they stand out to us, even though others don't notice. The important thing is to do what you think is needed, not what others think.

I had surgery on my eyes, which left me with scars just below my lower lashes. It bugs me to no end, so I am constantly applying cover-up to hide them. Finally, I went to see a reconstructive eye surgeon. This guy rebuilds tear ducts, so I think he knows his stuff. I wore no makeup and told him my concerns. He said, "What scars?" He had to get very close to see them. He said they are not really visible, and he would prefer not to do surgery and risk making new scars.

I made a post about it here, with photos, and our members basically said the same thing, "What scars?" So I know they are not the huge neon signs that I think they are, but I still invest in cover-up.

I thought about getting my brows microbladed, too. In Rapid City, SD, there is a gal who has an excellent reputation for the best work. When I lived there, everyone I asked said, "Go see Savannah Yellow Robe". Her shop is called Yellow Brows. If you can make the trip, that is who I plan to go see. I am sure others are closer; I just haven't looked into it yet.

The important thing is that I would do it for myself. Not because others think I might need it. Women come in all shapes, sizes, and looks. I have said from the beginning that I don't need celebrity-grade youth and beauty; I would be happy just being a nice old lady. One of my happiest moments was when I sent my cousin some of my more recent photos after beginning to transition. She said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you are a prettier woman than you were a handsome man."

Trust yourself that whatever you are doing, you are doing it right, especially if it makes you happy. Others will notice small improvements that you think are huge.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Hey Lori,
Thanks for your reply and yeah I'm also working heavily on my own view of myself as a woman. I'm pretty happy with my progress, though I do love the idea of looking very feminine. It's not surprising; even as a guy I was very into Kawaii and the looks that come with it. Sickly cute, old fashioned girly style, just very traditionally feminine.

In my mind I would like to push my look to a similar vibe within reason. I'm not particularly bothered about the age I look either and would much prefer to be seen as an older woman than younger man. I'm looking at inspiration from all ages and finding what fits me well,and think I'm developing my own little niche within this.

That is very cute what your cousin said and bet you were very happy to hear it! I can certainly agree from your pfp that you're extremely beautiful. Seeing others like yourself looking so great does give me a lot of excitement as to what I could achieve. 

I hope that the feedback on your scars gave you a little more peace of mind. Still though it's ok to hide them even if only to satisfy your own vision of yourself!

Charlotte 😻

[CosmicJoke]

I pass and no one knows I'm trans unless it's somehow disclosed to them. Kind of like how things can't make you happy passing can't make you happy either. (It's a different matter)

I admit that I'm very blessed compared to most other trans-people however.

[D'Amalie]

Hello Sisters!  We've mentioned on occasion that the unsolicited pass is so confirming and rewarding.  I confess, as much as I'd like to think I don't get my feelings hurt, I kind of do.  So onward and upward, continue to reach.

I was out on a theater date with my spouse Saturday evening; at the concessions counter with service by a sweet young thing about 20ish, when closing the transaction she said, "Enjoy the show, girls."  That simple courtesy put me on cloud nine!   

My white hair is long, down to bottom of shoulder blades, softly curled, held with thin headband; Torrid Bombshell Jeans (size 20 which is down from 24 thank you very much, makes my butt look good); dark blue cami over unseen blue bra, under bright blue with narrow brown plaid flannel shirt unbuttoned to 3rd button so the past present future diamond pendant in white gold shows above modest cleavage; 1/2 inch hoop thin white gold earrings with inset blue qtr. carat sapphires and no makeup. So in spite of the not so flash dress and no war paint, I passed two more times that day.   The last time we went, about two months ago, the tickets slipped from my hand and a young man rushed uninvited to recover them for me saying, "Here you are Ma'am."   

[Alana Ashleigh]

Not yet. I'm still presenting as male. I would definitely look more androgynous if I was completely clean shaven.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I had a mammogram appointment this morning, and the technician was so awesome.

I had an electrolysis appointment this afternoon, so I couldn't shave for the morning mammogram. Instead, I wore a cloth COVID mask, stud earrings, and a touch of eyeliner.

The Tech said she had some "new patient" questions for me.

"Do you have any children?"

"Yes. I have two."

"Was that one pregnancy or two?"

"It was two, but not mine."

< Confused Look >

"I don't have a uterus."

"Oh. Are you taking hormones?"

"Yes. Estradiol and Progesterone."

"Are you taking them for menopause because you are almost 70?"

"Not exactly. They are for Hormone Replacement Therapy, but not for menopause."

< Confused Look >

"Did you have a hysterectomy?"

"No. I am transgender."

"Oh... were your previous mammograms done under this name?"

"Yes."

"OK. We are good. Let's get these pictures done."


I wanted to hug that girl! 😀

[BlueJaye]

I do pass. Before transitioning, I was convinced it would be impossible. Don't let your own mind convince you that you can't.

[tgirlamg]

I do pass. Before transitioning, I was convinced it would be impossible. Don't let your own mind convince you that you can't.

☝️😀 What @BlueJaye said!... I had spent a lifetime with thoughts of such things filed away under "Impossiblities"... Being yourself is not impossible at all... you simply need to allow yourself to be you... all the rest falls into place far easier than we ever let ourself believe...

Onward!

A 💕

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

The main issue I'm finding is I pass if wearing very feminine clothes eg dresses and skirts but if I wear just jumper, tshirt, pants etc I'm referred to constantly as a guy. Even worse working on places like building sites. Always referred as male. Not sure how that gets fixed apart from hair and surgery.

I mostly don't bother to wear clothes apart from dresses and skirts because of this, unless I have to at work.

Charlotte 😻

[davina61]

That is the thing for me when I go to my workshop to work on my hot rod, padded work trousers, polo or sweatshirt and now its bodywarmer and coat so nobody can see my humps! No problem when I go shopping even wearing trousers but thats a bit of makeup and best wig time.

[Lori Dee ✅]

The main issue I'm finding is I pass if wearing very feminine clothes eg dresses and skirts but if I wear just jumper, tshirt, pants etc I'm referred to constantly as a guy. Even worse working on places like building sites. Always referred as male. Not sure how that gets fixed apart from hair and surgery.

I mostly don't bother to wear clothes apart from dresses and skirts because of this, unless I have to at work.

Charlotte 😻

I have similar issues at times, because I am mostly a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. If I just throw on a baseball cap, there is nothing to really signal femininity, except my purse. But wearing the same clothes with a wig or topper, makeup, and jewelry throws the entire image to the feminine side.

In the summer, wigs are too hot, so I wear a topper or a hat instead. In the winter, wigs are much better, which increases my options for color and style.

For makeup, it is really more about camouflage. If they are looking at my eyes, they are not looking at my moustache. I like hoop earrings because they grab attention, even with long hair. A nice necklace will draw attention toward the bust (regardless of size), and again away from the chin. I avoid bright lipstick because I don't want attention drawn to that area, so I opt for soft pink. It sends a subtle "yes, I am wearing lipstick" signal without making a bold statement. My wristwatch has a pink band, then I wear rings and bracelets (charm bracelet or fine chain) as accents. Longer, polished nails make the fingers look longer and more slender. My "signature color" is a metallic pink, which goes with my watch and my bracelets. The key is to blend in, not stand out.

For tops, I prefer the A-line style of tops. They hug the bust area, drawing attention there, but flare out so are looser fitting over the tummy and hips. Nice-looking boots draw attention away from my mid-section as well. I have been surprised at the number of times I have been complimented on my boots in a single day.

So I am providing clues by drawing attention to femininity, while downplaying anything that doesn't exactly support that conclusion, if that makes sense. You will find your comfortable style, and eventually it will become second nature, instead of requiring extensive planning. I make note of what compliments I get, and remember to assimilate those items into my personal style, even if it means pushing something else out.

Don't panic. You are already doing these things and learning from them, so you will be fine.

[D'Amalie]

Was in Aurora, Littleton and Denver last weekend Xmas shopping.  Very affirming to be identified correctly.
Three separate events, and probably more that really didn't need the social verbal acknowledgement.

[NancyDrew1930]

So I was at the local Ford dealership getting a warranty fix on my F150, and an old colleague who used to work with me, came in, and she did not recognize me, even though she has come back into the place where we worked together over 10 years ago.  I was wearing a purple skater skirt, fuschia top and satin pink scrunchie.  When I called out to her, she was looking at me like "who is this".  Even after I took off my sun glasses, so that she could see my face without them, and she still didn't recognize me until I said my old name and where we had worked.  Then her eyes grew wide as she realized who she was talking to.  And she was said "you have definitely changed" and that I looked "pretty".  She was shocked. She said the only thing that really gave me away was my voice, but at the same time it really didn't, because the rest of me looked so feminine, and my voice has never dropped that low (I guess I have an alto voice), and she's even heard my high-pitched laugh.  So for her my voice was familiar and sounded feminine, and she was confused about why it was coming from a woman.

So I thought that was a pretty good affirmation of my transition and whether I pass or not.   So I'm feeling pretty good that I'll be able to definitely pass at school in a few weeks. 

[KristaFairchild]

Define "passing".

I pass as a woman.  From a distance, most people will assume I am a cis-woman.  Not so much close up or if I speak, but I still get gendered correctly, even if they read me as trans.  That is my objective, so by that measure, I pass.

This is me, too. I'm "glanceable". I can pretty much walk down the street or into a store and I don't think people really notice that I'm not female. If they take a little time to look at my face, even just a few seconds of truly noticing, I don't think I pass. 

I have had coworkers walk right by me and not recognize me. I've been told several times that they wondered who the new woman was. The other day I made my first appearance at a leadership meeting, and I had three people use the same word to describe me.

Beautiful. 

Despite all this evidence, there's a part of me that thinks I don't pass it all and that I'm horribly unattractive. I'm trying to work through this. Some neutral intellectual part of my brain knows that I look ok. There's another part that is really cruel to myself.

Ultimately, I don't need to pass perfectly. Maybe I don't even need to pass it all. I want my good friends and family to continue to love me, and it's great to be able to walk down the street without drawing stares. 

In the long run, I know who I am. I know what I want to look like. Whether I pass or not needs to be far less important than those two things  

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Despite all this evidence, there's a part of me that thinks I don't pass it all and that I'm horribly unattractive. I'm trying to work through this. Some neutral intellectual part of my brain knows that I look ok. There's another part that is really cruel to myself.

I must say this is exactly how I feel although i dont have so much evidence that I pass as you do. I think I pass on the street e.g. when people are glancing or passing by as haven't had any bother say in my swimsuit. But have never come across anyone that knew me as a man to see if they recognise me. Also yet to determine if I pass closer up. My psychiatrist thought I was afab, but thats one encounter.

I find it hard that there is no concrete way to determine passing. I'm still extremely nervous entering female only spaces because I'm not confident in fully passing. In reality I live in a feedback vacuum, as no one ever genders or compliments me out there. Only really get complimemts online if I prompt and dig for it - not organically or IRL. And then a photo is only one angle of me...doesn't show the thousand other angles that make me look more or less feminine, more or less attractive.

Its pretty tough as I'm not great at affirming myself so living with very little external validation is tough.

[Stottie Girl]

I have no idea if I pass or not. I have never put it to the test. I can post pics on here but how do I know if what I hear back is genuine or just people trying to bolster my confidence? When I'm feeling dysphoric I see so many tells in my appearance that I would be terrified to leave the house, other times I feel like I don't see much maleness there. I'm probably somewhere in the middle to be honest but I won't feel confident until I've got a passable voice and got rid of the facial hair (though I do not have beard shadow I can sometimes get a shave rash).

What I would say though is being beautiful or not really has nothing to do with passing. You do not have to be the most attractive woman in the room, you just need to be read as female.

[Lori Dee ✅]

What I would say though is being beautiful or not really has nothing to do with passing. You do not have to be the most attractive woman in the room, you just need to be read as female.

This is exactly correct.

I knew from the beginning that I would never be supermodel gorgeous, and I tend to set realistic goals. What can I actually achieve that I will accept? I turn 69 this year. I don't need to look like I'm 25. I am happy to look like a 50-something woman. So dress appropriately with hair and makeup to fit that image, not the one in the women's magazine.

We are our own worst critics because we notice flaws that no one else does.

Another secret: cameras are evil. They capture everything exactly as it is without interpretation. They see the bone structure, the skin tone, and the quality and asymmetry. They capture both the good and the bad.

Interpretation occurs in the brain. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So if you see yourself in the mirror or take a photo and think, "I look good." That isn't vanity. It is a brain interpreting all the signals it is receiving. If you can pass in a photo, or by looking in the mirror, with your own critical mind, guess what? You pass! Because no one else is looking that close. No one else will notice what you notice.

So ladies, get out there and show the world that you are beautiful.