Hey,
I do not quite know if this topic fits here, just tell me if it does not:) Sorry for the terrible English, it is not my mother tongue.
Since I was a little child ,as early as I can remember, I almost exclusively see myself as boy/man in my dreams. I mean in my real dreams, at night (not dreams as in what I want to be in the future). My appearance varies, for example sometimes I am a little boy, sometimes I am a middle aged man or a teenager, sometimes I am a feminine looking guy, an ugly man, or a very handsome one. But I am always male. I dream every time I sleep, and I always remember what I dreamt. Since I was a child, I loved these kind of dreams. No matter if their content was violent or sad, if I was a pretty man with lots of friends or an outcast in them, something felt so much better und more...right than in my real life.
If I have dreams in which I am female, there are often very terrible for me. It feels wrong even in my dreams, I want to cut my chest of or harm myself, or I just feel an intense sadness. There are rarely any dreams in which I am female and do not feel unhappy. It has been like this my entire life.
Of course, the dreams in which I am a man fill me with joy. I love them, when I go to sleep I wish for a nice one. But there is a big problem: I wake up, and look in the mirror, and do not see a man. I feel that I do not have the right parts (like in my dreams). I already know that I am trans and I am taking steps to transitioning. So naturally, this causes great distress for me. It always feels like I have something taken away for me that I had already achieved (even though of course I know that dreams are not reality). It makes me think I look extra ugly and wrong during the daytime, and causes anger and sadness. Just to clarify, I am sometimes a ugly man in my dreams and I still love them because of being able to be a man, this is not about being a super handsome prince charming or anything, it is just about looking like a man at all.
Has anyone ever felt the same way, or had a similiar problem? How can I deal with that? I love my dreams almost more than reality, for that reason and I know that this is not healthy at all:( If there are any questions, feel free to ask.
