My story (detransitioning)

[Femme_et_al]

Hello, I just wanted to share my experience. I have, over the past week, decided to detransition. It's been very bittersweet, and I'm terrified but I think it's for the best...but I 'd like to your thoughts etc.

I am a 27 year old MTF, I have been on hormones for over 3 years now and pass very well, I have a large natural c cup, hips, a large butt, a great voice and all in all I'm happy with how my transition has gone physically. I pass very well, especially when I have long hair, which I lost when I had a mental breakdown and cut my hair about 6 months ago, so it makes it slightly harder to pass but ya.

My family are very religious and just don't agree with my transition at all, and they sort of rejected me when I started transition. I also lost a lot of friends too.

I know it's a lot and doesn't even seem real, but I've had a very difficult last few years of my transition. Other than losing family and friends, I was raped to lose my virginity, and I was date raped a year later by two men who dragged my limp body out of a club, and I was abducted 6 months after that and had to beg for my life. I was also used and had my heart broken by men who just wanted to have sex with me, I've been homeless twice, I've faced so much hatred, been passed over for jobs and for housing etc etc. I had a man force me to give him a >-bleeped-< too, it was a "friend" and ya.

I had to step down from my supervisor position because of PTSD etc and now I'm making less money and have been forced to live in the hood. Because my hair is so short now I am not passing as well, and have actually had my downstairs neighbor who has been in and out of prison barge into my apartment pissed off and asking me if I had "a dick or a twat". I live the hood, like it's rough, I have been asked just in the past two weeks on the street by men who think I'm a prostitute.

So ya. I know it's a lot but even beyond that, I've figured out that I think a lot of who I am now is fake, like how I talk isn't my normal voice, I have to shave every day and can't afford electrolysis, I can't pass without makeup with my hair so short so that leaves me scared to even go out my front door in fears that men who catcall me will figure out im trans and hurt me. I only have a few friends and honestly...I've just decided that I'm done. I just can't do it anymore. I do love the bits of womanhood I've been able to scrounge up, I do wish I could have just been born this way, but I almost feel a sense of relief, knowing that I"m going back home. That I won't have to be scared or poor anymore, it's not going to be easy but ya...

I just think that ultimately I would rather have a normal life, I don't even know if I'm even attracted to men at either or maybe it's just that I don't trust them etc. Honestly, I just want to be a man and have a wife eventually, and I feel horrible because I feel like I"m letting my trans friends down, but I just like feel like I"ll be dead by 30 at this rate. I am suicidal a lot too...it kills me though because I did enjoy being a woman tho, even tho I do feel like i was dumbing myself down and purposefully not doing hobbies I used to enjoy just so I could fit in better...

Anways I'm not sure if anyone will read this, but it feels good to get it out. I just idk, I'm looking forward to the future, if you have read this far feel free to give me advice and opinions, those would be appreciated, thanks!

[Susan]

I hope you find happiness in your decision, whatever gets you to the point that you are comfortable in your own skin is all that matters.

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[Dena]

I understand your reason for detransitioning and I am not going to judge you because you have had a difficult life. I am going to give you some recommendations. If you decide to discontinue HRT, discuss it with your doctor so you know what to expect. Also don't do anything surgically to alter your body because what is true today may not be true in a few years. You could find that your fortunes change in the future and a transition could be desirable and possible again. Also if you can, don't purge what you have. You may desire living part time to help with some of the dysphoria your likely to suffer.

Last but not least, don't forget this site. It will help you with your difficulties and may help with the loneliness your dealing with. You aren't the only one on the site living without a transition and we only request you find happiness. A transition is optional.

[warlockmaker]

You have had a tough attempt at transitioning and I am so sad to hear your story and the mental and phisical brutality afflicted on you. You are still young, maybe trying life as a male would benefit you and make you safer, mentally happier with better financial opportunities.

Later in life when your situation changes and western society is not so prejudice and violent and if you feel the need to transition you can do it then. I lived a happy life as a male and fufilled all my family obligations and duties before I started transitioning at 62 years old. The funny thing about HRT is that its a fountain of youth for older transitioners and you will look 20 years younger. Just be sure to live a healthy life. I am ever so blessed to have lived a full happy, successful life as a male and now live an even happier life with peace as a female tg.

There is no rush, do it when you feel its right. I am a testiment that you can life 2 amazing lives in a lifetime. Take care, be safe and love yourself.

[LizK]

Hello, I just wanted to share my experience. I have, over the past week, decided to detransition. It's been very bittersweet, and I'm terrified but I think it's for the best...but I 'd like to your thoughts etc.

I am a 27 year old MTF, I have been on hormones for over 3 years now and pass very well, I have a large natural c cup, hips, a large butt, a great voice and all in all I'm happy with how my transition has gone physically. I pass very well, especially when I have long hair, which I lost when I had a mental breakdown and cut my hair about 6 months ago, so it makes it slightly harder to pass but ya.

My family are very religious and just don't agree with my transition at all, and they sort of rejected me when I started transition. I also lost a lot of friends too.

I know it's a lot and doesn't even seem real, but I've had a very difficult last few years of my transition. Other than losing family and friends, I was raped to lose my virginity, and I was date raped a year later by two men who dragged my limp body out of a club, and I was abducted 6 months after that and had to beg for my life. I was also used and had my heart broken by men who just wanted to have sex with me, I've been homeless twice, I've faced so much hatred, been passed over for jobs and for housing etc etc. I had a man force me to give him a >-bleeped-< too, it was a "friend" and ya.

I had to step down from my supervisor position because of PTSD etc and now I'm making less money and have been forced to live in the hood. Because my hair is so short now I am not passing as well, and have actually had my downstairs neighbor who has been in and out of prison barge into my apartment pissed off and asking me if I had "a dick or a twat". I live the hood, like it's rough, I have been asked just in the past two weeks on the street by men who think I'm a prostitute.

So ya. I know it's a lot but even beyond that, I've figured out that I think a lot of who I am now is fake, like how I talk isn't my normal voice, I have to shave every day and can't afford electrolysis, I can't pass without makeup with my hair so short so that leaves me scared to even go out my front door in fears that men who catcall me will figure out im trans and hurt me. I only have a few friends and honestly...I've just decided that I'm done. I just can't do it anymore. I do love the bits of womanhood I've been able to scrounge up, I do wish I could have just been born this way, but I almost feel a sense of relief, knowing that I"m going back home. That I won't have to be scared or poor anymore, it's not going to be easy but ya...

I just think that ultimately I would rather have a normal life, I don't even know if I'm even attracted to men at either or maybe it's just that I don't trust them etc. Honestly, I just want to be a man and have a wife eventually, and I feel horrible because I feel like I"m letting my trans friends down, but I just like feel like I"ll be dead by 30 at this rate. I am suicidal a lot too...it kills me though because I did enjoy being a woman tho, even tho I do feel like i was dumbing myself down and purposefully not doing hobbies I used to enjoy just so I could fit in better...

Anways I'm not sure if anyone will read this, but it feels good to get it out. I just idk, I'm looking forward to the future, if you have read this far feel free to give me advice and opinions, those would be appreciated, thanks!

I can't imagine you have made this decision lightly and I can only guess at how difficult that it has been.  So long as you are doing it for the right reasons (you are the best judge) then I am sure it will work out for you. 

You only get one go around in this life so it is imperative that you do what is the best for you, forget everyone else.

I wish you well

Take care
Liz

[Mendi]

Like everyone has said, you have to do what feels right thing to do, in order to stay alive. There is a lot of similarities that I feel in your story and it is actually frightening to read your post. I mean I moved to live as a woman 7 months ago and in that time I´ve lost a job and my father and several other companies are not contacting me anymore about jobs.

It has made me questioning, that what will happen during the next seven months. And I think that I also pass somewhat nicely in most situations.

But like someone said above, please refrain from any surgical procedures to your body. Don´t do a thing, because like you know, transgenderism isn´t something that goes away. You can stuff it away and hope it stays away for the rest of your life, but if it doesn´t, and your situation changes for much better (financially, socially etc) in the next 10 to 40 or so years, at least you haven´t done anything irreversible surgically and you can still transition.

Good luck for you and I do feel for you!

[Allison S]

I'm sorry to hear. I'm 27 and start hrt 7 months ago. I'm still growing out my hair and even though my face looks somewhat more feminine, I don't pass. It's not easy for me to be seen as a "feminine gay guy", I think in some way it's a lot harder. Feminitity has it's pros and cons. A lot of attention given to young women or women in general. I'm on dating apps and the guys all want sex and think I'll go to their house or give them my address to come to mine... Well I'm 5'8" and can fend for myself if I really need to, but I'd rather not.

I think where you live has a big part to play. Is there anyway you can move somewhere safer until you're in a better place to find a job that can support you?
You said you don't pass without makeup, before detransitioning would you consider wearing men's clothes, no makeup? Maybe until you're in a better and safer living situation? I'm not sure what that would be like but as others mentioned detransitioning could back fire and to just be aware of that.

I'm at the beginning of my mtf transition and I also sometimes think about having a wife and kids. It crosses my mind a lot.. But I don't know if that's my path and being sterile to me doesn't sound too bad. I actually would prefer adopting someday.

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[BlueJaye]

Just curious, are you seeing a counselor or therapist?

Given the changes that your body has made, it I isn't likely you will pass well as a man now without surgery.

You've had a rough road so far, but I fear that de transitioning may result in a life that is even harder.

Not only will many people reject you as a man because it sounds like you have a very feminine figure now, but you may also find living as the wrong gender very depressing after having lived as a woman. And the types of people who will drag a woman out and rape her would probably do the same thing to a man with a womanly figure. They are the predatory violent type and would assault you either way.

I would really recommend seeing a therapist regarding the PTSD. It sounds like that is really the problem and not living as a woman.

[blackcat]

I just wanted to give you a hug. I am so sorry you were attacked. Please take care of your safety... whatever that means you need to do for your situation. It's not like the door to transitioning is closed forever if you detransition.

I hope you find a way to more fertile ground to life your live authentically.

[Shellie Hart]

I guess I figured out many years ago that I could never "go all the way." Fortunately (or unfortunately) I already had the feminine build, so I had years of learning to handle myself and knowing to stay away from places that would cause me problems because of my appearance. I knew, for me, that transitioning could only be done privately. But it's how I keep my sanity.

I have managed to hang onto friendships in spite of my obvious changes (two years HRT). I never talk about myself or attempt to accentuate my changes (I hide them as best I can). Something to think about. So sad, but this is the life some of us must live.....

[SailorMars1994]

I wish you the best of luck. You strong  spirit. I want to say I hope this detransition is right for you and know, going back doesn't mean you can't retransition to female at a later, perhaps more appropriate time.

That being said I want you to listen to me, as someone who once did a half arse detransition but found it so crummy I had little choice but to come back out as a female. You have to be prepared for not just the physical and hormonal changes, but the mental changes. When I did my thing, I had anxiety attacks where I would vomit (much like I did before I came out originally), uncontrollable vomiting, iritiated all the time, feel so off I would lose track of time and actually feel my body temperature drop. For me I couldn't live in a state of stress like that. I suppose the silver lining is I didn't axtowant to detransition in the first place, whereas you do. That being said I hope you understand much of the same problems that made you want to transition in the first place will come back likely. However if being male is what's best for you I hope you own it, and if you realize the female is there 100% then you re-own her! I'm sorry you went through a lot, justnknow whatevwr youndo you are a lovable, valueable and respected human being that should never have gone through what you have, butnone day you will prevail. Hugs

[cindybc]

I am familiar with PTSD and I was an alcoholic as well in my younger years and I nearly ended up living on the street twice in my life. In my case, I think transitioning was the best medicine I could have undertaken, along with the help of a good therapist, and the program of AA. I found gainful employment as a social worker for twenty years, probably the most enjoyable employment I ever had. I have never had any problems with other people and as for any of the family that rejected me, I thought of it as tough luck for them, this is my life. I live with a partner for the last 15 years.