Ok so a little background is probably necessary. A few months back, and beginning late last year I began to wrestle (yet again) with the things that bothered me where my gender identity was concerned. By February I had been in therapy for a while and had even gotten a letter recommending I begin HRT, my husband and I nearly divorced (I'm currently presenting as a gay man to the world), and then my aunt passed away at the age of 59. Despite the stresses of my personal life I had nonetheless been resolute to myself that I would transition and this time was going to be THE time, the one I didn't go back on and stop for some reason. Yet I stopped dead in my tracks. I went to marriage counseling and saved my marriage for the time being and now things are ok. I also had a bat bout with depression (I am Bipolar 2), which I have now thankfully resolved through the right medication adjustments and therapy. I put my aunt to rest and am sad but at peace with her passing. Yet here I remain, yet again, another failed transition attempt on my part. This would be the third or fourth time I think depending on how you look at it. I want to become the authentic me, the woman I've always known I was, and yet I cannot seem to move forward. For now I am not transitioning and have resigned myself to that, but my heart hasn't changed and deep down I still want the same things. How do I come to terms with this? I am open to any and all constructive advice because I feel like this is something that isn't possible for me right now and yet I can't help but wanting it more than almost anything. How do I live with that? I am at a loss.
