Not Transitioning But Coming Out Nonetheless

[BeckyCNJ]

I posted this on the "Coming out of the closet" board but I thought there may be some on this board who could offer their perspective, as well.

I'm over 60 years old and have been married for 35+ years. Before I asked my future wife to marry me I told her I was trans (although that term wasn't being used back then) and she has been fine with it over the years. Last year I told my adult children and their spouses. All were very accepting and, perhaps because of their generation and how they were raised, were fairly matter-of-fact about accepting it. I also have told my medical caregivers.

Although I don't plan to transition I feel a responsibility to the trans community to be supportive not just in words and deeds but by telling people I'm trans and hopefully adding a perspective rarely heard from publicly as someone who is trans but not transitioning. While I know many trans individuals I don't know any who are like myself; non-transitioning and out.

My wife is against my sharing this beyond those I've already talk to. I feel an increasing importance to be more out. I don't look to make some public announcement, but to share it selectively when I feel it's appropriate. I realize at some point, this would come out to the world at-large and I'm fine with that, but again, my wife isn't. Her reasoning is that this is private information.

While I'm no celebrity, hundreds of thousands know my name and millions would recognize me because my work. That adds a bit of a complication to this but it also makes me feel more responsible to share who I am.

Are there others on this board who are in a similar position? I welcome your suggestions on how to proceed.

Becky

[Breeze 57]

I totally understand your wife's perspective and that is why I would move out of my home town (and leave my family) when and if I socially transition.  I would do this as I would want to save my family the social stigma and "embarrassment" this would cause them in my small, religiously conservative small town.

However, I would also encourage you to come out to as many as possible, especially if you are well known.  This could only help the cis-population to possibly understand us better and know we are just "normal" people too.  Just like everyone else, we just want to be happy and live our lives as we see fit.

My only question is how you can be trans and not transition?  If you have a secret method of beating this, please let me know.  I for one, would gladly rid myself of these feelings if there was a way to.  The best I've ever felt though is when I started HRT 4 months ago.

[Paige]

Hi Becky,

I definitely think you coming out but not transitioning would be helpful.   I think the more variety cis people are exposed to the better.  I do worry though that the typical anti-trans crusaders will say "see you don't have to transition".   

Good luck,
Paige

[BeckyCNJ]

My only question is how you can be trans and not transition?  If you have a secret method of beating this, please let me know.  I for one, would gladly rid myself of these feelings if there was a way to.  The best I've ever felt though is when I started HRT 4 months ago.

It's not easy! I've felt like this since my earliest memories so it's not something new. I had HRT but had to stop when my breasts began to noticeably develop and, of course, I've seen therapists to help me cope. I try to grab onto any little thing I can to help get me through.

I believe different people feel different intensity levels. Mine is high enough to feel strong discomfort but not so strong as to see transitioning or suicide as my only options.  I don't have a secret method of beating this, I'm afraid.

[BeckyCNJ]

I do worry though that the typical anti-trans crusaders will say "see you don't have to transition".   

That's something I hadn't thought of. Thank you for mentioning it.

My immediate reaction is we're not likely to convince those typical anti-trans crusaders, whatever we do. My hope is to make those who are not knowledgeable or on the fence, see being trans as not being quite so scary. A couple of months ago I was at a family gathering where being trans was denigrated. I felt ashamed for not speaking up and letting them know how their comments hurt and that someone who is trans was sitting right across from them.

[HappyMoni]

Not speaking out against hate talk has two consequences. One, the hate goes  unchallenged and unchanged. Two, we end up with fear ruling us and our actions. Don't get me wrong, we each need to judge what actions are right for us and our families. Still, life is short and it is freeing to be able to stand up for what we believe in.

[Breeze 57]

Becky:  I don't want to intrude, but I was wondering if I could ask you a couple more questions?  If you don't feel comfortable answering them, I'll understand and won't be offended or anything.  Here they are:

1)  How long were you on HRT?
2)  Did you feel good while on HRT?  I feel a real calming effect.
3)  How long ago did you stop HRT?
4)  Since stopping HRT, have the old feelings returned?  If they did, are they as strong?  If they did, how long did it take for them to return?

I question things all the time and just wonder what would happen if I stopped HRT.

[BeckyCNJ]

Becky:  I don't want to intrude, but I was wondering if I could ask you a couple more questions?  If you don't feel comfortable answering them, I'll understand and won't be offended or anything.  Here they are:

1)  How long were you on HRT?
2)  Did you feel good while on HRT?  I feel a real calming effect.
3)  How long ago did you stop HRT?
4)  Since stopping HRT, have the old feelings returned?  If they did, are they as strong?  If they did, how long did it take for them to return?

No intrusion, at all. Since I'm talking about being open with the world at large I should certainly be willing to be open with my sisters here.

I was on HRT for about nine months. I was on the lowest dose possible of estradiol and taking it via a patch. I was not on an androgen blocker. I wanted to see if it would help mentally. It may have had a mild effect but what I enjoyed most was the feeling it gave me in my breasts. There was a tingling sensation that was very enjoyable.

I stopped HRT about a month ago. My wife thought she saw breast development and after a few weeks I felt she might be correct.

I'm generally a person who likes to avoid taking medications of any type unless it is necessary. Taking estradiol definitely made me feel better about myself.

Since stopping HRT I still have some tenderness in one of my breasts. It's become more difficult to put being trans out of my mind. I don't know that I would call it anxiousness but the intensity of being trans has increased. It probably started to increase a week or so after stopping.

[Breeze 57]

Thanks for getting back to me so quickly.  I really appreciate your candor.  I hope things get easier and I wish you the best.  I'd be curious what the future holds for you.

[blackcat]

Is your wife worried about how others might respond?

If this will relieve pressure building in your psyche, I would say do it, especially if you are prepared to accept whatever may happen. Also, I'm a huge fan of Felix Conrad's writings if you haven't heard about him, he writes primarily for non-transitioning MtFs, and I found them super insightful relevant to non-transitioning lifestyle.

I was determined to not transition and started off replacing my wardrobe and coming out as transgender to everyone. Unfortunately for me, that ended up not being enough and I'm now on the medical path. Interestingly, everyone was extremely supportive and accepting when I came out as non-binary/non-transitioning. It wasn't until I said I wanted to start HRT that I experienced negative consequences. I think it's easier for some people to deal with transness as an intellectual concept, vs. something tangible in front of them.

There are risks to coming out, and there are gains. Everyone has different needs, and I don't think it's fair, or right, or even possible to live inauthentically forever. For me, the questions I kept coming back to were "what will make me happy?" and "what will I regret on my deathbed?"

I would definitely keep communication open with your wife and see how to move forward together as a team, as she has needs, too. Therapy might not be a bad idea if she is really apprehensive about it. My gut says she might be scared of the social fallout for the both of you. The unknown is understandably scary.

And so is never getting to be who you are.

Good luck.