Trying to come to terms

[ItsAbiKay]

Hi everyone

I just joined up (posted my introduction in the thread). This is about my 3rd or 4th time trying this in recent weeks. I've been on other sites which I've found either unhelpful, immature, dismissive or wholly inappropriate. I've seen a lot of people really help each other and just interact and talk with my recon of Susan's place so I'm giving it a try.

I apologise in advance for the essay 

I'm a 30 year old married person. I am living with Gender Dysphoria. I've only recently come to terms with this after years of battling back thoughts and feelings and burying them to the point of bursting.

It's all I've been thinking about lately. It consumes me. Wishing and hoping that I would suddenly, magically wake up a woman. I've been having anxiety attacks. I've been to my GP and lied my butt off to her about why I feel I've been having them but she referred me to therapy which is what I really wanted anyway as I can't cope with it. My initial session went well and they were really welcoming and understanding. I'm just waiting for a therapist to be free but hopefully not too long fingers crossed.

I love my wife, I'm still attracted to my wife. I'm afraid of losing her. I recently told her about my identity issues but I did it the cowards way. I told her when she wasn't at her full facilities which made things a million times worse. She has since forgiven me for it (which I'm grateful for) and she's supportive of my pursuit of therapy but she's said a few times she wouldn't accept it if I were to transition in the future so it feels like a lose/lose situation to me which really get's me down.

I find being Abigail online helps ease my anxiety and is rather liberating. There are parts of me that wonder is this even real what I'm going through. Sometimes it doesn't feel real it just feels numbing. I don't really know where I take my life from here. Therapy is the next thing then one step in front of the other after that whichever way I go.

Thanks for reading

Abi

[Devlyn]

Welcome to Susan's Place, Abi!

I hope you're not going to lie your butt off to the therapist. Most of us are working towards the end of living a lie. Transitioning is tough. It's likely to cost you everthing. It's frequently the only choice we have, though. Despite the losses, most of us do find peace with our decision. Good luck with your journey. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[MaryT]

Hi Abi.  You will see by reading the experiences of many other members that Devlyn was right not to pretend that it will be plain sailing.  I hope that everything works out best for you, though.

[ItsAbiKay]

Hi Devlyn and Mary.

Thanks for the welcome. It's appreciated.

Don't worry I'm not going to lie to the therapist at all. I did meet with one last week for an initial consult and told her everything. Took me a bit of time to work up the courage but got there. So I'm hoping that she matches me up with someone compatible and who will be able to meet my needs.

I am nervous and excited for my next session. I feel it's a start on a very long road.

[Rachel]

Hi Abi,

The process takes time but when it finally gets going and all road blocks cleared then it goes very fast. At a point you will realize there is little or nothing left to do but be yourself.

Good luck on your journey

[Devlyn]

Hi Abi,

The process takes time but when it finally gets going and all road blocks cleared then it goes very fast. At a point you will realize there is little or nothing left to do but be yourself.

Good luck on your journey

+1 for that right there!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Janes Groove]

. . . so it feels like a lose/lose situation to me which really get's me down.

Are you being completely honest?  I can understand how this is the predominant feeling that you are having right now. Perhaps even seasoned with a touch of panic as well.  But the reason you are posting here, going to a Doctor and asking for a referral, going to an intake session and confessing your thoughts,  making plans to go see a gender therapist.  One doesn't do all this when staring down a lose/lose situation.  Is it that you actually, for the first time, see the opportunity for a pretty massive win here?  Perhaps even the biggest win of your whole life.  The chance to live out in the open as your true self like pretty much everybody else in the world.  Not having to settle for the cold comfort of only living your dreams online anymore but living out of the closet on your own terms.  I guess all I'm saying is that it's not all lose/lose from where you are now.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and my guess is you've finally caught a glimpse of it.

[krobinson103]

The decision to accept who you really are is the hardest. The rest is just process. I was so uncertain of the future I was almost willing to do something... foolish. But, I faced the fear, got rid of the road blocks and its the best decision I ever made. There will be a lot of work and potentially a high price in terms of relationship. I've lost my wife because I transitioned but you know what? I'd do it again in a heart beat.

Look at this as an opportunity to live as you... and not have wish,hope, and pretend for the rest of your life.

[maybesoph]

Don't think this is a decision anyone takes lightly, it can cost you everything or you can lose nothing and gain everything.
Whatever the outcome, surely living as your yourself outweighs most things.
I've realised with guidance from many others, you only get one go at this life & you need to live for your yourself or face depression and regrets on what never was and should of been.
I'm only just starting my journey and have untold fears of losing my wife and friends but inside you just know you have to do this.
Hope you find answers in therapy as to what's right for you, just be open and honest.

Good luck


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[ItsAbiKay]

Thank you all so much for the support and the advice. I know this isn't going to be a quick process. What I meant by lose/lose is I'm stuck in this scenario for my entire life or I lose my wife which I can't bear the thought of. I do feel stuck.

I feel living free as myself should be my priority but it's hard because I don't want to hurt anyone else in the mean time. I am really hoping therapy can help me out with my conundrums.

[Susan Baum]

(Hugging Abi)
Abi, you are safe here and among friends who don't judge.
Feel totally free to express your thoughts, dreams and hopes as well as your pain and despair. Susan's and maybe a therapist's office are the only places for some to feel free to let out their inner selves - and that is OK.

I know you fear losing your wife but don't judge the future from her initial reaction. She is upset and angry because, in many ways you pulled the "trust" carpet out from under her; if "he" has managed to hide this for so long... Yes, some marriages fail after wives won't adjust but the more you read real women's stories here, you will find that a great deal of these wives have become their mate's staunchest allies. The "Significant Others" topic could be a great resource to ease your mind.

Susan

[ItsAbiKay]

Hiya Susan.

I do feel like I'm able to express myself without judgement which is a great help. Things are really good between my wife and I at the moment but I imagine there is a good bit of denial at work here.

I'll have a nice bit of free time tomorrow so I'll check out The Significant Others section and hopefully it will be of benefit.

Thanks for the advice.

Abi


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[Danielle Kristina]

Hi Abi, and welcome!

Confronting our identity issues is tough and scary.  I know the fears that come all my with this because I have them too.  It was only recently (since April) that I began dealing with this.  I'm not married and I don't have any children, but I do come from a family that doesn't understand transgender people.  My transgender sister came out a few years ago and did not receive a warm embrace.  She is still loved and a member of the family, but the family still does not approve of her trans identity.  They don't know about me yet, since I have yet to transition.

First thing I would suggest is seeing a gender therapist.  As was already mentioned, be completely honest in your sessions.  The therapist can't give you the help and guidance you need if he or she does not have all of the facts.  I too was scared upon my first session.  I told her things I have never told anyone else regarding to my authentic self.  I even tried to hide those things from me!  Still, I knew if I wanted help I had to be honest.  Today, I look forward to my sessions.  Besides here on Susan's, therapy is the only place I can open up about my being trans.  Whether or not you transition is completely up to you.  No one else can decide that.  No matter your decision I wish you the very best in your journey.

Hugs!!


Danielle

[I_Am_Hazel]

Welcome to Susan's Place, Abi!

I hope you're not going to lie your butt off to the therapist. Most of us are working towards the end of living a lie. Transitioning is tough. It's likely to cost you everthing. It's frequently the only choice we have, though. Despite the losses, most of us do find peace with our decision. Good luck with your journey. 

Hugs, Devlyn

@Devlyn
It's such a simple thing, but it's actually really nice (coming from some other places on the internet) to hear someone just straight-up say that transitioning will likely (or very well could) cost you everything. It's true, and that's one of the many challenges we face. But there is so much to gain that I never really think about the losses

[ItsAbiKay]

As was already mentioned, be completely honest in your sessions.  The therapist can't give you the help and guidance you need if he or she does not have all of the facts.

Hi Danielle.

Thanks for the welcome and the hugs. Still waiting on my appointment. It's slow going but patience is one of my strong suits. Have no fear I'll certainly be open and honest with the therapist. I've nothing to hide from them any more. I'm not in denial about myself any more. I've spent far too long in denial. I'm still scared but trying to cope. My heart of hearts is saying transition in time but my brain is in control and it's petrified. Hopefully opening up with the therapist will help me with that.

[Devlyn]

@Devlyn
It's such a simple thing, but it's actually really nice (coming from some other places on the internet) to hear someone just straight-up say that transitioning will likely (or very well could) cost you everything. It's true, and that's one of the many challenges we face. But there is so much to gain that I never really think about the losses

Putting it out there like it is...just another service I offer. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Abigail, and welcome!  Congratulations on having the courage to reach out! 

I am a volunteer firefighter, and we have a saying in the fire service: "Risk a little to save a little.  Risk a lot to save a lot."  Transitioning within a marriage is a case of having to risk a lot to gain a lot.  I couldn't come out to my wife until I was okay with the idea that she could make up her own mind either way: to stay or to leave.  Would she prefer to live with a man only, or would she take transitioning to be included under "for better or for worse"?  There is no right answer: I had to give her the right to make that choice herself.

Lucky for me, she decided to stay.  I hope you have the same good fortune.

[Jessica_Rose]

To echo what Devlyn said, here is a paragraph from my coming-out letter:

I had a choice between growing angrier and more miserable every year, or allowing myself to find peace by letting the person I have always been come out of the darkness. It was a simple, yet terrifying choice. By choosing this path I knew I could lose everyone I hold most dear -- my wife, my daughters, my family, and my friends. Try to imagine how much pain someone must be experiencing to make this choice, knowing what could be lost.

My acceptance of myself was an epiphany, then came the hard part -- telling everyone else. My wife and I have been married for 34 years and have two daughters (ages 20 and 23). Telling my wife was the hardest thing I ever did. I couldn't get the words out, so I gave her a letter one night while lying in bed. Our relationship was stretched way beyond the point where I though it would snap, but somehow we stayed together. Seeing a good therapist really does help. It took my wife well over a year to finally accept me, which included many nights in separate bedrooms. She has said that she does love the person I have become, but some days are still difficult for her.

If you are interested, my journal thread is here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,233104.msg2076844.html#msg2076844

[ItsAbiKay]

Thanks Jessica. I appreciate you sharing your journal with me. The more material I have to expand my knowledge is great. Your journal on the trachea shave I thought was great because I had heard of it but never actually read about someone going through it so thanks for sharing.

On another note. I did have my first session with a therapist this week. It went really well and really positively for a first session. She was very understanding and I feel safe talking to her. She got the whole story (well as much as you can fit in 50 minutes). I don't get to see her again for a few weeks as she is away and so am I but she wanted to fit me in before she went so we can get to know each other. I came out of the session feeling positive about everything for the first time in a while. It didn't last but these things rarely do. If I felt that good about myself once I can feel that good about myself again. My journey has well and truly begun.

[ItsAbiKay]

It's been a few weeks since I posted. Just done a fair bit of lurking. Still here and still struggling but pushing forward. I feel a sense of envy when I read about so many brave ladies on here and other places who are living the lives they want and deserve to live.

I've had more sessions with my therapist but it feels like really slow going. Which is natural, there is no magic fix. I'm still unsure what's going to happen with me at the end of it. Some days I still feel so low and miserable. I do keep a personal journal now though where I chronicle everything I feel and everything I go through. That thing is really filling out.

I did get in touch with organizations in my country to get an idea of what steps would need to be taken to move forward if I choose to move forward. I have a wealth of knowledge at my fingertips and at least I know what steps it takes and it can be done without too much opposition.

I'm hoping that for my next session with the therapist we can really touch on my gender dysphoria. At the moment we've just talked about things at home and with my family background as it's fractured. I suppose it's all there and need to be talked about but I hope next week we can talk about it a little more. I think that's it from me for now.

Thanks for reading
Abi x