The Purple Dilator

[Colleen_definitely]

Oh and just to clarify, when I say rotate the dilator a bit I mean maybe ten or twenty degrees or so.  Please don't treat it like a corkscrew.

[Violet]

Yes. Rotate just a little. Also a syringe works great for getting the lube in, but I didn't notice much difference from just gobbing the lube onto the Dilator. I am determined to win with Dilation. Don't want to lose all the hard work that my Dr. did. ♥

Oh and just to clarify, when I say rotate the dilator a bit I mean maybe ten or twenty degrees or so.  Please don't treat it like a corkscrew.

[Violet]

In spite of my very best efforts. I can not get the Purple Dilator to go in past 2 dots. I used plenty of lube and maintained a gentle pressure, but still no deeper gains.

Also, I would say that my post-op pains are just about gone, but the pain I am in now from Mr. Purple is just as bad. Hot showers help a lot. 38 days of pain are starting to take a toll on me, but I have no regrets. This will all be worth it once I am fully healed.

I reason that all the pain makes up for the fact that I never had a Period. Cis women have nothing over me! LOL

Might I be rushing it? I have only been Dilating for 3 and a half weeks now and I can take all but one dot on the Orange (smallest) dilator. Does anyone recall their Timeline regarding stepping up to the Purple?

[AnonyMs]

Are you taking painkillers?

By the way, the link to your YouTube channel is not working.

[Violet]

I do have the Hydrocodone, but I try to only take it at bed time so I can sleep. I have been afraid to take it during the day because I might hurt myself and not know it, especially while dilating.  <Moderator edit> has been the best help for me along with hot showers.

I am almost certain that it's the muscle stopping me from further depth because I feel so sore in that area. Fortunately I have a follow up with my Dr. this coming Wednesday. I hope everything is alright. Until then I guess I will just dilate with the Orange dilator.

Sorry about the Youtube link. It's fixed now and I have 30+ videos detailing my journey through Transgender Hell! I am in the process of migrating to my own server as it allows me more creative freedom. That link should be working too. Also, my surgery pictures are there for anyone interested. ♥ ♥ ♥

Are you taking painkillers?

By the way, the link to your YouTube channel is not working.

[HappyMoni]

Violet, maybe I missed this advice given by another, but I would suggest asking the doctor to show you how hard you can push. I used Dr. McGinn and after initial healing I was shown that I could push surprisingly hard. Also, I have had good luck with 'Surgilube' bought in bulk on internet. I would go by your doctor's direction, but I was told I didn't need to douche and if I did, to use water only. I think it was Sadie who mentioned the detachable shower head for good cleaning. I had a chance to use one this week and I am sold on it.
Moni
Oh I guess they changed color schemes for dilators. My largest was orange and smallest was purple.

[AnonyMs]

I do have the Hydrocodone, but I try to only take it at bed time so I can sleep. I have been afraid to take it during the day because I might hurt myself and not know it, especially while dilating.  <Moderator edit> has been the best help for me along with hot showers.

I've heard a lot of women taking Tramadol before dilation. From all I've heard its not so strong that you can't feel anything, it just makes it bearable. You should have some idea how hard to push by now anyway.

I believe Tramadol is much less addictive than other strong painkillers, but some can't take it due to side effects. I think I'd be concerned about taking Hydrocodone for long. You can probably take Tramadol with some other types of painkiller (acetaminophen  and an NSAID) as well for stronger effects. Maybe you can discuss it with your doctor.

[Violet]

I have noticed the different colors of other ladies dilators and I wish the manufacturers had kept them all the same so we could compare. My smallest one is Orange followed by Purple, Blue and then Green. They are from Soul Source. I have a follow up this Wednesday and I have compiled a long list of questions. I still can not get that Purple one to go past the first dot and it hurts me so I only try it for the last 10 minutes of sessions.

I would love a detachable shower head, but I am in an upstairs apartment with low water pressure. Hoping the Doctor will allow me to start douching. Earlier he said to hold off because the tissues are still healing.

I will report back here with all the questions I asked. Thank You for replying Honey! ♥♥

Violet, maybe I missed this advice given by another, but I would suggest asking the doctor to show you how hard you can push. I used Dr. McGinn and after initial healing I was shown that I could push surprisingly hard. Also, I have had good luck with 'Surgilube' bought in bulk on internet. I would go by your doctor's direction, but I was told I didn't need to douche and if I did, to use water only. I think it was Sadie who mentioned the detachable shower head for good cleaning. I had a chance to use one this week and I am sold on it.
Moni
Oh I guess they changed color schemes for dilators. My largest was orange and smallest was purple.

[Violet]

I am so glad that I have a follow up this Wednesday. MyChart is great, but it takes a couple days for them to respond to non-emergency questions.

I push on that Purple dilator until it hurts and then I back off. Afterwards I feel very sore especially when walking. Best I can do is the first dot on Purple. I compared dots with the smallest dilator (which I can get almost all the way in) and there is an inch or so extra depth. Perhaps the larger purple dilator is shortening my depth due to it's increased size? IDK, but I will be asking lots of questions this Wednesday!

Thank you for replying honey! ♥

I've heard a lot of women taking Tramadol before dilation. From all I've heard its not so strong that you can't feel anything, it just makes it bearable. You should have some idea how hard to push by now anyway.

I believe Tramadol is much less addictive than other strong painkillers, but some can't take it due to side effects. I think I'd be concerned about taking Hydrocodone for long. You can probably take Tramadol with some other types of painkiller (acetaminophen  and an NSAID) as well for stronger effects. Maybe you can discuss it with your doctor.

[Violet]

Another Dilating session with little gain. I can now take the first two dots of the Purple Dilator. In my set Purple is the second largest of four dilators. So now I can get just one more dot, whoopie! (sarcastic!)

I am very depressed over this as you other ladies can take the Purple with no sweat. Perhaps I will have to settle for my short depth of 4 inches. I have been dilating now for almost 4 weeks. Seems like I should be able to fully take Purple by now. Going to go cry now...

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Violet,

I am one year post-op. I use a set of soulsource dilators, and the second largest is green.  It is 1 3/8 inches in diameter.  I can get it in about four inches on the rare occasions I use it. With the smaller ones (purple and blue) I can only get about 4 1/2 inches of depth, no matter how hard I push.  There is just no more room, and my surgeon told me as much.  The green one doesn't really hurt excessively, but I never really saw the point of gaining width when I have no depth.

I guess all I am trying to say is I understand your disappointment.  Like you, this isn't what I was hoping for. It isn't what I wanted, but there it is, take it or leave it.

I've actually decided to see if there is  any surgical revision that can be done.  That extra inch or so is something I really want.  Rationally, I can't tell you why it makes so much difference, but I am fairly fixated on my lack of depth. I have a feeling once I talk to a couple more surgeons and they tell me I'm wasting my money, I'll probably start focusing on what I do have instead of what I don't have, but right now I'm seemingly determined to find fault with aspects of my transition that by most measures has been just short of miraculous.

There are a lot of trans girls out there that have zero inches of depth, i.e. they can't have SRS for financial or other reasons.  Would I want to switch places with them?  No. Hell no. So maybe I need to check myself before I wreck myself.  Now I am not putting my trip on you, or suggesting your pain and frustration is not valid, but I am offering myself up as an example of being our own worst enemy.

There are plenty of things that suck about being trans, and I think many of us have been asking ourselves, "What is wrong with me?" for so long we don't know when to stop.  I know I am guilty of this.

Let me simply offer my blessings to you, and hope that you find some peace and satisfaction in knowing how far you have come.

With kindness,

Terri

[Violet]

Thank You so much for your kind reply Terri! ♥ You are absolutely correct too! Shame on me for not being grateful to have been given the SRS. I had temporarily forgotten just how lucky I was.

I say very lucky because I had a heart attack last year which delayed my SRS another full year. Somehow I was able to pay for all the Electrolysis and that was a blessing. Everyone including my daughters have helped me and supported me. Medicare covered my surgery so yes, I have been most fortunate.

Thank you for giving me a reality check darling! I love this Forum and all of you lovely ladies! ♥ Without I would not be alive today! ♥

[Nova_Noelle]

Hi Violet,

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck at your follow up appointment on Wednesday.  I hope that you get some good news and useful advice.

Hang in there girl!

With Love,
Noelle

[KatieP]

Hi Violet,

I am one year post-op. ... I can only get about 4 1/2 inches of depth, no matter how hard I push.  ...

I guess all I am trying to say is I understand your disappointment.  Like you, this isn't what I was hoping for. It isn't what I wanted, but there it is, take it or leave it.

..., but I am fairly fixated on my lack of depth. I have a feeling once I talk to a couple more surgeons and they tell me I'm wasting my money, I'll probably start focusing on what I do have instead of what I don't have, but right now I'm seemingly determined to find fault with aspects of my transition that by most measures has been just short of miraculous.


.... So maybe I need to check myself before I wreck myself.  ...but I am offering myself up as an example of being our own worst enemy.

Let me simply offer my blessings to you, and hope that you find some peace and satisfaction in knowing how far you have come.

With kindness,

Terri

Hi Terri,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I had to go get more coffee and pause a bit before replying. Because, while really sad, this is also one of the most positive posts I have ever read.

And personally, I have looked at your avatar, and read some of your other posts, and I was jealous. Not bad jealous. You are one of the "If Only" people for me. And, this post reminds me that there is no perfect for us. Maybe, there is only compromise and therefore survival.


So, thank you very much for your transparency and insight!

Katie

[HappyMoni]

Another Dilating session with little gain. I can now take the first two dots of the Purple Dilator. In my set Purple is the second largest of four dilators. So now I can get just one more dot, whoopie! (sarcastic!)

I am very depressed over this as you other ladies can take the Purple with no sweat. Perhaps I will have to settle for my short depth of 4 inches. I have been dilating now for almost 4 weeks. Seems like I should be able to fully take Purple by now. Going to go cry now...

Violet,
  I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing both mental and physical. Although I didn't have the same issues as you have with GCS, I have had a lot of issues, pain, and depression from surgery especially from my FFS. I am hoping you have a caring surgeon who will advise you on the right things to do for your part. Of course, they will be able to see if something is going on physically that can be taken care of with time or with a procedure. Do keep in mind you are very early post op. I would, however, remember that you must advocate for yourself both with the doctor and when you are home dilating. For example, worst case scenario, two years from now, you are unhappy with your result. I am so hoping this is not the case, but with any surgery, total satisfaction is probably a 50/50 shot at best. The thing is, do you want '2 year older Violet' to be looking back and saying, "If I only did this or that." You want to give it your best shot now. No giving up. Maximize what you can do. It's okay to be sad but let your actions be positive steps. What's the old saying? "When the going gets tough," Now you say... "Violet kicks a**!" Heck you already said you have dealt with a heart attack, so we know you can, right? Good luck tomorrow.
Moni

[HappyMoni]

Hi Terri,
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I had to go get more coffee and pause a bit before replying. Because, while really sad, this is also one of the most positive posts I have ever read.

And personally, I have looked at your avatar, and read some of your other posts, and I was jealous. Not bad jealous. You are one of the "If Only" people for me. And, this post reminds me that there is no perfect for us. Maybe, there is only compromise and therefore survival.


So, thank you very much for your transparency and insight!

Katie

Katie,
   Didn't see your post before I posted. Take it from me, Terri is awesome!
Moni

[Violet]

Thank You Noelle! ♥ I'll post back here tomorrow night when I get back home from the appointment. Love, Violet ♥

Hi Violet,

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck at your follow up appointment on Wednesday.  I hope that you get some good news and useful advice.

Hang in there girl!

With Love,
Noelle

[Violet]

Thank You Moni! ♥ I was able to get in 3 dots with the Purple this morning so I am still improving! You know, I have always felt like the pains we go through from Feminization surgeries equals the pains that Cis women get from periods, so they have nothing over us! We have to be strong and determined to go through these surgeries and I am proud of all you ladies! ♥ Love, Violet

Violet,
  I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing both mental and physical. Although I didn't have the same issues as you have with GCS, I have had a lot of issues, pain, and depression from surgery especially from my FFS. I am hoping you have a caring surgeon who will advise you on the right things to do for your part. Of course, they will be able to see if something is going on physically that can be taken care of with time or with a procedure. Do keep in mind you are very early post op. I would, however, remember that you must advocate for yourself both with the doctor and when you are home dilating. For example, worst case scenario, two years from now, you are unhappy with your result. I am so hoping this is not the case, but with any surgery, total satisfaction is probably a 50/50 shot at best. The thing is, do you want '2 year older Violet' to be looking back and saying, "If I only did this or that." You want to give it your best shot now. No giving up. Maximize what you can do. It's okay to be sad but let your actions be positive steps. What's the old saying? "When the going gets tough," Now you say... "Violet kicks a**!" Heck you already said you have dealt with a heart attack, so we know you can, right? Good luck tomorrow.
Moni

[HappyMoni]

Hi Violet,
   I know you had your doctor's appointment and am hoping you are doing okay. I know some things are private, but if you feel like talking, we are here. Hugs to you!
Moni

[Violet]

Hi Moni! Sorry for my late reply. The Greyhound rides wore me out! Not very much is private with me.  I have a Youtube channel and a personal website. Trying to give back to our community by helping our younger sisters achieve their transitions. I am an open book!

Thank You for checking on me! 

The appointment went fine and I was so relieved! My pains are coming from the PC muscle, so I have to condition that. I can tell the difference now as today's 2 dilations have rubbed it raw and I still have another 30 minute session left to go for today. Now I can take the first 4 dots on the Purple dilator and there is further depth past that PC muscle! I might actually be able to do this Dilating now! Very excited!

My next appointment was scheduled for October 3. That will be my 3 month post-op visit! Time has gone by fast even though I have been stuck at home.

I will highly recommend that anyone interested in this surgery should inquire on the follow up appointments. The more the better in my opinion. It's very reassuring to have good after care. OHSU excels again in this!

If anyone ever has any questions please do not hesitate to contact me! I want to help! I hope we all get what we need!! ♥ Thank You Ladies!! ♥

Hi Violet,
   I know you had your doctor's appointment and am hoping you are doing okay. I know some things are private, but if you feel like talking, we are here. Hugs to you!
Moni