Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

ok I feel I owe everyone a big update. 

I celebrated my birthday yesterday by starting to take prescribed finasteride (still waiting for the appointment with the endocrinologist) and I had some one help me with my make up and outfit.  We then went for a walk to my therapist.  She immediately hugged me and said that it was so, so nice to see ME finally.  I cried and smiled at the same time.

It is life changing.  It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling. 

Sadly, this did not include my wife but I intend to change that this week and do everything I can to keep us together.  I now have the confidence to share with her what is real in my life and not some obsessive mental disorder that can be medicated.

I want to thank everyone for helping me purge the shame, embarrassment and loneliness I have felt until I finally started to share on this message board.

You are all unbelievable!

Major hugs,

Emma

[Alice V]

Great news, Emma Hope it will be ok with your wife.
Happy birthday, btw I wish you best

[Emma1017]

Thanks Alice and thanks for all of your support.

[LizK]

ok I feel I owe everyone a big update. 

I celebrated my birthday yesterday by starting to take prescribed finasteride (still waiting for the appointment with the endocrinologist) and I had some one help me with my make up and outfit.  We then went for a walk to my therapist.  She immediately hugged me and said that it was so, so nice to see ME finally.  I cried and smiled at the same time.

"It is life changing.  It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling." 

Sadly, this did not include my wife but I intend to change that this week and do everything I can to keep us together.  I now have the confidence to share with her what is real in my life and not some obsessive mental disorder that can be medicated.

I want to thank everyone for helping me purge the shame, embarrassment and loneliness I have felt until I finally started to share on this message board.

You are all unbelievable!

Major hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma

Its so great so see this update from you. You sound positively radiant and hope that is how you feel. Being able to be yourself can be incredibly inciteful experience. If you have been trying to work out who you are and where you fit in there is nothing quite like being able to be you.

"It is life changing.  It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling." 

You are so right this is a life changing event...you will never be able to see yourself the same way ever again.

I am still together with my Wife and am really thankful for her ongoing and unwavering support. I can only say I hope you can keep your relationship going. It is an incredibly difficult thing to do and I hope you succeed.

I hope you are able to go from strength to strength. Oh and

take care

Liz

[Emma1017]

Hi Liz:

I had my therapist take a picture and I can't stop looking at it, it just feels right...and its still a little scary but I refuse to be afraid and the shame has disappeared.

Thank you so much.

Hugs,

Emma

[christinej78]

ok I feel I owe everyone a big update. 

I celebrated my birthday yesterday by starting to take prescribed finasteride (still waiting for the appointment with the endocrinologist) and I had some one help me with my make up and outfit.  We then went for a walk to my therapist.  She immediately hugged me and said that it was so, so nice to see ME finally.  I cried and smiled at the same time.

It is life changing.  It absolutely confirmed who I am and I can't stop smiling. 

Sadly, this did not include my wife but I intend to change that this week and do everything I can to keep us together.  I now have the confidence to share with her what is real in my life and not some obsessive mental disorder that can be medicated.

I want to thank everyone for helping me purge the shame, embarrassment and loneliness I have felt until I finally started to share on this message board.

You are all unbelievable!

Major hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma,                         20 October 2018

It's great to see you progressing; I do know once you are on HRT you will notice changes mentally and physically. Hopefully you will like having boobs popping out and the lowering of aggression. Aside from the aforementioned, one of HRT's benefits I noticed was the ability to pee normally after years of difficulty. Good luck young lady.

Best Always, Love
Christine

[Emma1017]

Ah Christine:

You always bring a smile   I DO feel like I am making progress.  It just feels right.  Thank you for having my back.

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I have an appointment with the endocrinologist this Thursday....holding my breath and questioning my commitment. 

Transitioning is not for the faint-hearted but not transitioning is to choose a life of perpetual questioning and deep emotional pain.  I don't think I am strong enough to pull that off.

I am hoping that HRT will give me enough relief to make the right decision going forward.

Thanks again for all of your support.

[Linde]

Hi Emma, I am coming a little late into this thread, and I am a lot older than you.
I did not really know that I was transgender when I was about your age, but I am also intersex, and my psychologist felt that I had my menopause at about this time ( I am biologically part female and part male).  This trans thing, and the menopause, and a chronic pain situation made me very angry, and I destroyed my very happy marriage of almost 40 years.  Looking back now, I would have given up any trans idea if I could have saved my marriage.  I am alone since then, and feel very lonesome. 
Yes, I have lots of friends, because becoming a woman made my emotions more gentle and people really love to be with me, but I am still lonesome.  When the evening comes, everybody leaves me, and I am alone!  I don't miss sex, but I miss cuddling in bed, having skin contact, hearing nice and freindly words, and feeling loving touches.  I am alone and lonesome!  Every night!
I am a woman, or at lest pretty much a woman, but I am a lonesome woman!

Because of my experience, I can only advise you to do everything you can to keep your marriage going, even if you have to give up to become a woman, because for me it was better to almost be a man but not be alone, than being a woman who is alone every night of the year!

[Emma1017]

Hi Dietlind:

I am very sorry for the loss you feel. 

It is exactly that loss that I am trying to prevent.  Before I go to the appointment I am having a full conversation with my wife.  I need to bring my heart with me on this journey or I will cancel the appointment, delay the journey, and hope my wife can catch up.  I have been processing this new role 24/7 for months and I need to find out where she is in all this.

I have been asking myself do I really need to do this before I pressed her further and I finally feel the answer is yes.

In the meantime the endocrinologist's office took weeks to schedule.  I can wait a little longer.


Warm regards,

Emma

[Linde]

Emma, I wish you lot's of luck, and a way better outcome than I had!

[Emma1017]

Thank you Dietland and hope you find happiness and joy to fill the hole that you are living with.

[Emma1017]

I told my wife about the appointment with the endocrinologist.  She and I are staying together and hugging.

[Linde]

I told my wife about the appointment with the endocrinologist.  She and I are staying together and hugging.

Thank you Emma, and I hope your luck and sweet wife stays with you for ever.  There is no better treatment for any problem than good and loving hugs!

[Northern Star Girl]

I told my wife about the appointment with the endocrinologist.  She and I are staying together and hugging.

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
This is wonderful news...  keeping communication lines open with your wife is a key component in you and her coming to an amicable and happy understanding about your transition journey.   Another thing I might suggest that if your gender therapist agrees, to have a joint couples counseling session where you and your wife, along with your therapist can discuss both of your concerns, issues and questions.

I will be eagerly following your thread for more of your updates as you feel comfortable posting them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Emma1017]

Hi Danielle:

Thanks for your thoughts.  I want to get a more open and on-going dialogue with my wife first.  I don't want her feeling ganged up on.

I want to go slowly for both our comfort.  I am still not convinced that I will go for full transition but I explained to her that I am done with feeling any shame any further.  She came over and hugged me.

It was a great feeling.

Warm hug back,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Thank you Dietlind.  A big HUG to you.

[Moonflower]

Hooray for you and your wife! She sounds great! I hope she'll join conversations here.

[Emma1017]

Thanks Moonflower.  She is great.  Like everyone she is still trying to get her head around this. 

I'm not sure she will join the conversations here but I am very glad she is part of my dialogues.

Warmest regards,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Ok I went to the endocrinologist appointment...my wife wished me luck....

I officially started HRT, patch and pill tonight!

Really not sure where this is going but at least I am giving Emma a chance.

Thanks all again for your hugs and support.   I know this is only the beginning and there is a long way to go!

Massive hug,

Emma