Which hurts less

Emma1017 · February 10, 2019, 06:13:44 PM

Wow!

Wow, it has been a remarkable experience over these last few months. I have learned so much and all of it about me.

I really had no idea even though the information has been in front of my face all my life. It is humbling.

I just read Kim and Kristen's comment over and over again. Wow

All I have been doing over these months is try and pick my piece of the gender spectrum. Testosterone, social conditioning and male stereotyping built this huge wall in my face so I really couldn't see. With my strong and deep relationship with my wife, I didn't want to see. I was scared and I still am.

It has taken this long to recognize that. I just looked at the photos I posted earlier, I mean really looked at them. I finally really have taken to heart that they a real and deep smiles. I have stopped blocking what those smiles really mean...I was happy each time. I feel like my soul finally saw its reflection.

I am not going to stand in front of my own rolling train and I will use everything in my power to protect my wife.

I just can't stop the train.

That is my choice on the gender spectrum. I wish everyone best wishes to find their own place. You deserve it!

Hugs,

Emma

KimOct · February 10, 2019, 07:27:40 PM

Emma I weigh in a lot on your thread because I can feel what is going on inside. You are doing great at reflecting on yourself and how your entire life led to this point.

You said that you are scared. Well to be honest you should be. This is a big deal. Your marriage - your relationship to friends and family - your relationship to the rest of society. IMO anyone that is not scared is crazy.

To paraphrase one of my favorite sayings "Courage is not the lack of fear, courage is being afraid but doing it anyway".

You know who you are - now go live it.

Northern Star Girl · February 10, 2019, 08:07:48 PM

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
It is done, this.. your personal transition thread "Which hurts less" is now
in the Transsexual Talk section of the forums.

I am looking so very forward to continuing following your updates and your life endeavors in your transition journey on your thread here and also your other posts on various threads around the forums.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

KimOct · February 10, 2019, 08:09:32 PM

Emma - You're a celebrity

Hugs

Emma1017 · February 10, 2019, 08:27:31 PM

Not sure about celebrity. Is this a promotion?

JanePlain · February 11, 2019, 04:42:47 PM

I want to say that I agree that Kim makes an excellent point and that my particular weird place is just that. Unusual that the problem is 99% internal. The dangely bits - thanks to whoever invented the orchiectomy. And the hormonal wiring which HRT has addressed.

And so I don't goof up the intent of this great thread may I say your pictures look stunning. Whatever your doing just keep doing it!

Emma1017 · February 11, 2019, 05:22:40 PM

Jane we are all in a weird place. Thankfully we share. A year ago I was all alone. I have met you and everyone else who has shared, so we share this weird place together. That matters.

Thank you for the compliment but its all makeup and a blurred camera lens...plus I was really happy. Thanks.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma1017 · February 13, 2019, 07:03:05 AM

Just a quick update:

I just reviewed my second blood test with my endocrinologist. My potassium is under control. Yay. And my testosterone is nominally zero and my estrogen doubled from 65 to 131, YAY!!!

She doesn't think I need to increase it and she said "see you in June".

I feel joy and fear all at the same time.

Hugs,

Emma

Jessica_Rose · February 13, 2019, 08:45:21 AM

Sometimes it can be frightening to take a path other than the one you are used to, but it won't take long for you to know whether or not this is the right path. I was scared to death when I started HRT, but I knew it was the only way I would live, my anger had reached the point where I could not always control it.

Congrats on your latest test results! It looks like you are off to a great start.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Emma1017 · February 13, 2019, 10:26:04 AM

Thank you Jessica Rose for your thoughts. I agree my anger also tells me that I must transition. I am just having acceptance issues, for me and absolutely for my wife. I hope time will be the answer.

More importantly warmest wishes on your upcoming surgery. I hope you achieve everything you desire and more.

Hugs,

Emma

Jessica_Rose · February 13, 2019, 12:27:43 PM

Thanks Emma.

Time and patience are our friend. There were many times during my journey when I was certain our marriage was over. It took about 18 months before my wife started realizing how much of a positive impact this was having on our lives. My wife's smile has returned, along with her laugh. She is happier now than she has been in a very long time. She has told me there is only one thing she will miss, but I'm sure we can find a suitable substitute!

For myself, I accepted it immediately. My anger had reached toxic levels. At one point I came close to ending my life and taking the lives of my wife and daughters as well. Once I realized the source of my anger everything made sense, and I knew there was only one real choice. I hope you and your wife can find a way to accept this, and I wish both of you the best of luck!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Emma1017 · February 13, 2019, 12:48:10 PM

Hi Jessica Rose:

I agree, time and patience. My therapist keeps saying "process, process, process." The combination of the two, I hope, will get us to where you and your wife are now.

This thread started with my life in chaos. I felt like it came out of nowhere. I was drowning and I was taking everyone with me.

Now I know better.

I really want to get joy back into my life. Sharing your experience, as others have, gives me hope (without guarantees) that it is possible.

Warm hugs,

Emma

terrik2016 · February 13, 2019, 01:02:39 PM

Hi Emma,

Your thread is giving me hope that I can work out my own journey with my wife of 33 years. Thanks so much for sharing all of this over time.

hugs

Terri

Emma1017 · February 13, 2019, 02:26:13 PM

Hi Terri:

The one thing that I have learned here is that everyone shares and everyone gives you hope. It constantly humbles me.

Warm hug back,

Emma

Emma1017 · February 14, 2019, 09:12:54 AM

Someone noticed I said "if I transition" recently in a post.

The "if" is my defense/denial mechanism. It is still trying to make me stop and face "reality".

I can't.

The train is rolling and if I stand in front of it, it's not going to stop. Emma keeps pulling me off the tracks.

I am using time in the hope that my wife will understand, accept and stay with me. She has no idea of the incredible pain and agony this has caused me but I know she senses it. We have been together way too long and through too much for her to miss it. I am sure, like me, that she wishes it would just go away.

I keep asking myself "what's next?" and no longer "if".

Hugs,

Emma

randim · February 14, 2019, 09:21:27 AM

Are you and your wife doing any kind of joint therapy? That might be helpful if she is willing to do it.

Emma1017 · February 14, 2019, 10:45:33 AM

Hi Radim:

Unfortunately my wife has built up a massive wall of resistance. She has refused individual and couple counseling but this is not new. There have been other reasons throughout the years that I have felt she could have benefited from counseling but she has always refused. She believes in sucking it up. I operated the same way until this hit me.

I hope that the "wall" can slowly be eroded as her denial begins to recognize the reality of my situation. In her defense I still have difficulty accepting this reality as well and I deal with it 24/7. She doesn't.

Emma is all internal. I have never shared the photos or even the fact that I dressed en femme with her. My wife's only physical clue is that I am seeing a therapist and that I am on HRT.

Externally I am massively male. I have had a life time of practice and I do it very well. I still do DIY construction projects, ski, scuba dive and hang with the husbands.... and I just want to go shopping for a nice pair of heels.

When (I actually started this sentence with "if") I come out, it will blow people away.

I am frustrated that I have no idea what to do next and when. Its like piloting a boat in the fog and not knowing the way and all I hear is the crashing of the waves against cliffs I can't see.

I will go slow and hope for clarity. The cliffs scare me.

Hugs,

Emma

randim · February 14, 2019, 01:56:28 PM

Hi Emma,

Your situation has some similarities with mine. My preferred analogy is being swept away by a tide rather than facing a train, but it works out about the same. My wife of 35 years is also non-supportive, to the point where we do not talk about it, even though I realize this is rapidly becoming untenable. It is good that your wife knows you are on hormones. If she is ok with that, she may well come to accept Emma. My therapist has been having me work on a letter to my wife. That might be something for you to consider. You can at least present your feelings in some detail that way. Best wishes.

Emma1017 · February 14, 2019, 02:14:06 PM

Hi Randim:

I tried a letter last year, month or so after I told her I wanted to get a sex change. I thought I would leave it on the table for her to read privately. Wrong. It upset her even more, although I don't think there was a chance of me getting it right. She was very raw.

A month ago I tried a different strategy. I wrote this earlier in my thread and printed it for her. I sat next to her while she read it this time. It was anticlimactic, said she already knew all this:

1.   It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2.   It is not a choice. It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male
socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3.   The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older. It just gets stronger as those
layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4.   The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast. Family and friends generally lack the capacity to
support, help or understand. In most instances they do the complete opposite.
6.   Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7.   You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort
and distress.
8.   On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weight of guilt on your shoulders for
something you didn't choose.
9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally
understand. If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar. If you do tell you may have
selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.
10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the
greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.

So I am opting for denial erosion. If the elephant is in the room at some point you have to deal with it. The slow go process is actually helping me as well.

Best regards,

Emma

KimOct · February 14, 2019, 04:48:49 PM

Emma You are an intelligent insightful woman, you WILL get through this. I am reminded of a relationship of mine. After my divorce following 18 years of marriage I reconnected with an old flame that we had been on and off our entire lives. It was toxic and I could spend pages explaining it. The reason I bring it up is that I got advice from family and friends about the logical thing to do. I would not see it. The emotions were in the way and it was very difficult.

Emotions run extremely high regarding transition it impacts every aspect of our lives. We fear that loved ones will reject us, how society will treat us, employment, money issues, physical challenges, our own insecurities about our appearance, our own internalized transphobia, and sexual/romantic relationships.

This is a HUGE deal especially for those of us raised before society began to accept us.

In short you should be scared. And due to these emotions you will feel like you are heading toward the cliffs through the fog. You are not. It is just the emotions of a difficult but necessary path. This too shall pass.

Based on everything I said the obvious question is why do this? Because if you don't you will be miserable going forward and a miserable person impacts everyone around them. You can find happiness. Is life all rainbows and unicorns after transition? Of course not. But I definitely don't regret it. And you will not either.

I understand why you are taking your time but life is short. It really is I know from experience. Prolonging this is not healthy for anyone. There is a fine line between letting your wife accept this and simply trying to wear her down. The latter won't work. Sorry for the bluntness but it is my belief.

Always here to support you.

News:

Which hurts less