Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Thanks Kim.

[Emma1017]

I recently wrote this and I figure I am a year away from sharing this with family and friends.  Feedback would be appreciated.  Thanks, Emma

To my family and friends:

I have been battling all my life with a condition that is known as gender dysphoria.

I have only recently been able to piece together the fragments in my life that has allowed me to finally understand the personal pain that I have hidden from myself, my family and my friends.

I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial. 

I am transgender.  It is clinically undeniable.

In order to achieve any peace in my life I have been force to make a very painful and irreversible decision, I intend to transition.  That means the male exterior that you have known throughout our relationship will transition into the female gender I have been holding inside of me all these years.

This was as shocking to me as I know it is shocking to you.  I cannot describe the incredible emotional suffering this has caused me and the incredible strain this has put on my wife and son.

I have tried every conceivable way to keep this from happening.  Other than death or a life of continued despair and torment, there are none for me.

I would willingly take a bullet for my family but, unfortunately this is a slow death of endless slices taken against my emotional soul.  My family would inevitably share in my suffering.

If you truly know me, you know that I despise drama.  This is real and my only path of relief is through transition.

I know for those who have cruel hearts, they will enjoy the endless "Caitlyn Jenner" jokes that will follow.  I would love to have them have the guts to say these slanders to my face and, regardless of my gender, kick their teeth in but we know them for the gutless, back-stabbers that they are.

I also know that many of you will not be able to process this or accept the reality of my situation.  To you I wish a happy and peaceful life.

For everyone else, I am still me.  I will continue to be your family, your friend and I will always be there if you need me.  I am just correcting an error at birth that mistakenly mixed my gender and my sex.

If you are still reading this, I know this all seems confusing.   It has taken me months of therapy, personal searching and self-examination to get to this point.  I have attached a very brief summary of what I have learned.  We all know the internet will provide you with an endless supply of more.

Sadly, I have been there for everyone who has ever needed me for the pain and suffering in their lives.  Tragically, this is the only time in my life that I need others and I expect that many will lack the capacity or desire to be there for me.  There are many times that I wished I had a mortal disease to spark the support that I need. 

With gender dysphoria, I am expecting none.

I hope you can come to an understanding, I hope that we can continue our relationship, I hope that you can help and support me through this painful process and I hope we can continue to share the happiness that this life can provide.

From my heart,

Me

[KimOct]

I am replying endlessly to every thread because I have a few days off of work and I have apparently been successful in my job search YAY with a pending offer.  So no job hunting and no work until Friday means endless droning on from me.
Aren't you all lucky?   

Emma - I think large parts of your letter were great, as I always am I will be honest. IMO parts of it are a bit angry particularly the 'kick your teeth in' paragraph.  It seems to me you are being very defensive and anticipating negative reactions.  Fortunately I think when the time comes you will be pleasantly surprised.

Will every single person in your life be supporting and accepting ( two different things) probably not.  But most probably will.  And the ones that don't for the most part will not be nearly as rude as you expect.  Let me be clear - it won't all be rainbows but you are anticipating the worst case scenario so much so that I think it is extremely unlikely.

I do think this letter is worthwhile and has some great points and is a good first draft.  Also it is therapeutic for you in terms of preparing yourself and thinking this through so in short nice job.  But just like a paper for school I would consider this your first draft and the appropriate editing will come to you in time.

I think you are projecting your fears onto your audience.  I also think that they love you more than you give them credit for.

Signed,
The president of the Emma fan club

[Emma1017]

Sorry Kim I may be a woman but I have a long ways to go to be a lady.

Yes I am angry and I guess it shows.  I have always hated intolerance and now I understand that we are victims of it in the worst way.

I really don't feel defensive any more.  I actually feel the opposite and I believe the best defense is a great offense.

My letter was aimed at those who will understand, those who might understand, those that honestly can't and those cretins who feed of the pain of others.  Unfortunately the last group does exist in my life.

I will not let those cretins hide and I will call them out.  I will take your advice though and not kick their in the teeth...

It is a first draft and I may never send it out broadcast style.  I don't want to embarrass my wife or son so I will deal with it when I decide to come out.  There is time.

I just wanted feedback and I appreciate it.

By the way, you know the presidency is an unpaid position....

[Northern Star Girl]

@Emma1017
Dear Emma: 
I love the letter that you wrote trying to set everything straight about your transition.

In my opinion  @KimOct  was correct about words of anger.
I think it is always best to take the high road, don't burn bridges and don't say things in the heat of the moment that you may regret later in life.   Words of anger, either verbal or written can never be taken back and will usually be remembered in a bad way.

I am really enjoying your personal transition thread... as we discussed in previous comments, your thread is your journal that you can share your successes and safely share your frustrations.  Your followers are here to rejoice with you when you report good news and when the news is not so good we are here to lend our ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on.   Venting and writing about events in your life is very good personal therapy, it lets you ponder your issues and hopefully formulate positive solutions.

I will continue to eagerly look for your updates as you feel so led to post them here or around the various forums threads.

Hugs and best wishes to you as always,
Danielle

[KimOct]

Isn't $1.00 per year customary as some sort of acknowledgment of the position? 

I like the idea of a mass blast to come out.  In my case I told most people one on one but I did eventually Facebook it to let people know that I don't speak to often.  I also set up an new Facebook page with my new name.

The letter has good points I just think it will take some time as you evolve to get the tone right.

And yes IMO transitioning really does wake us up to other marginalized people which is a good thing.

[Emma1017]

Hi Danielle and Kim:

I agree that the "kick your teeth in" paragraph is too aggressive and could alienate possible supporters ( but I really liked writing it... ).

I will need both of you and everyone else to review the next version to keep the right spirit.  Unfortunately I have months for the re-write.

Now that I have decided to transition I sense a growing impatience.  I really need to keep my pace for a number of personal and professional reasons.  I really hate it but I'll survive.

Thank you both for your continued warmth, advice and support.

Massive hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I stole this from an entry I made yesterday on someone else's thread.  It fit with what I have been documenting on my thread here.

I was literally grilling myself this morning for the 1,000,000th time asking why I felt it was so critical that I present as a female, followed by whether I was ready to do it the rest of my life, followed by the ever damaging "will I pass?".

I just started HRT at 63 years of age.  I have never gotten to be a women, young or old, yet.  I agree with others who have said that starting HRT is like going through puberty again, which means I will be hung up on how I look for a while. 

Admittedly, like a 14 year old girl, I find all of the external female elements very exciting.   It's like a room full of new toys.  Fortunately,  I like my internal self.

I love one of the treads asking if people like wearing a bra and the one response that resonated with me was, once the novelty wears off so does the thrill.  I have heard my wife ask me why I want to be a woman, telling me that it's not much fun.  Make up isn't fun for her and many feminine elements that I have spent a lifetime desiring, is boring to her.

I am sure that, over time, presentation will become increasingly less important to me.

I look forward to that day because it means I have been a woman long enough.
 
I guess I just want that chance.

Hugs,

Emma

[KatieP]

Why are you afraid?  I'm not saying you shouldn't be rather I am asking you to ask yourself what is this fear based on?
That you will be rejected? Laughed at? Lose people?  Look strange?  What is it?

The answer is your own transphobia.

For the going out in public thing, I totally concur with your premise, Kim.

However, once we get past that, why are we afraid? Seems like Emma could lose her job if she is found out. Statistically speaking, most of us lose our spouses. It's not transphobia that is the basis of that fear, it is statistics...

It sure scares the heck out of me...

Kate

[KimOct]

I can only speak for myself regarding career.  As for a spouse I am divorced so I can't speak directly to that but it does impact my opportunity for a new relationship.

Regarding career - first I want to emphasize I am not criticizing anyone's choices.  Truly.  There is no law, no rule, no obligation that if you have issues regarding gender that someone HAS to transition.  Many people are CD or NB or decide the cost is too high to transition.  To each their own.

For ME my career dropped off for other reasons - corporate acquisition and resulting downsizing but I have resurrected my career before.  I made the choice to transition which I KNEW would severely damage my opportunities.  The type of work I did was a negotiator - a high priced schmoozer - I earned a living by getting people to like me and therefore my company.

I transitioned anyway knowing I would be leaving that career behind.  I decided that life is too short and when it is over in 5 or 10 or 20 years what would I have accomplished by staying in the closet and hiding the real me.  For ME it was more important to live my authentic life. 

One last note regarding career.  Of my approximately 20 IRL trans friends the vast majority kept their jobs, that is the good news.  Not many people lose their jobs anymore by coming out.  The real challenges are for consultants that may see their clientele diminish and also for those that want to or are forced to change jobs.  It doesn't make it impossible but harder.  Especially for customer facing jobs like mine was.  I used to make literally double compared to the job I was just offered.

At the end of the day you have to choose your priorities.  There is no right or wrong - rather what is more important.

Regarding a spouse - I can't speak directly to that I was married once for 18 years and have been divorced for 9 years.  However I KNEW that transitioning was going to dramatically reduce my odds of finding someone.  I still get offers to connect with women from a 8 year old profile for online dating that I am unable to delete.  I feel bad that I don't reply but I think they may be a little disappointed if I replied now 

I made my choice and I don't regret it.  All I advise to others that are struggling with these choices is 2 things.
1.  Don't lie to yourself or loved ones.  This includes lying by omission.  They deserve to deal with the truth.
2.  Don't let fear shape your decisions.  Find the courage to live authentically - whatever that is.

I now relinquish the soapbox and return the thread to Emma. 

[KatieP]

Kim: A big AMEN from me!!

[Northern Star Girl]

@KimOct
Dear Kim:

   I really like what you stated as follows:

I made my choice and I don't regret it.  All I advise to others that are struggling with these choices is 2 things.
1.  Don't lie to yourself or loved ones.  This includes lying by omission.  They deserve to deal with the truth.
2.  Don't let fear shape your decisions.  Find the courage to live authentically - whatever that is.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us....
Hugs,
Danielle

[Emma1017]

Fear.  It has so many outlets and morphs in so many ways.  It is the boogieman that haunts our waken hours and can creep into our dreams. 

Kate you are right it hits us at our weakest points and we each have different fears.

Mine is simple, losing my wife.  To me everything else is just stuff.

My timeline is dictated by my son.  I am extremely fortunate, I have a practice that I am handing over to him.  He is an absolutely great kid so I have no problem, much as I hate having to say this, to wait 2 years.  He needs that time to be able to take over.  There is a lot I can do in two years...any ideas?

Kim, I agree with Danielle, your two points of guidance are great.  At the end, your personal courage needs to take control of your life otherwise it becomes a series of deep regret, angry moments and constant pain.

Stealing from Shakespeare, ""A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once."

I am constantly humbled by the courage I have witnessed here countless times.   It has helped me get this far.  Therapy alone would never have done it.

Hugs,

Emma

[TonyaW]

I really liked this part of your coming out draft

"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial."

There are some people that will ask varitions on how come you didn't know/come out/transition sooner, and some may even question your transness (is that a word?) because you didn't act sooner.

That paragraph explains it about the best you can to people not familiar with trans people and issues.

I will probably want to steal that for when I finally come out fully on Facebook. It will come right after I say I didn't become a woman, I've always been one, I just stopped pretending to be a man.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Dana Thompson]

I can only speak for myself regarding career.  As for a spouse I am divorced so I can't speak directly to that but it does impact my opportunity for a new relationship.

Regarding career - first I want to emphasize I am not criticizing anyone's choices.  Truly.  There is no law, no rule, no obligation that if you have issues regarding gender that someone HAS to transition.  Many people are CD or NB or decide the cost is too high to transition.  To each their own.

For ME my career dropped off for other reasons - corporate acquisition and resulting downsizing but I have resurrected my career before.  I made the choice to transition which I KNEW would severely damage my opportunities.  The type of work I did was a negotiator - a high priced schmoozer - I earned a living by getting people to like me and therefore my company.

I transitioned anyway knowing I would be leaving that career behind.  I decided that life is too short and when it is over in 5 or 10 or 20 years what would I have accomplished by staying in the closet and hiding the real me.  For ME it was more important to live my authentic life. 

One last note regarding career.  Of my approximately 20 IRL trans friends the vast majority kept their jobs, that is the good news.  Not many people lose their jobs anymore by coming out.  The real challenges are for consultants that may see their clientele diminish and also for those that want to or are forced to change jobs.  It doesn't make it impossible but harder.  Especially for customer facing jobs like mine was.  I used to make literally double compared to the job I was just offered.

At the end of the day you have to choose your priorities.  There is no right or wrong - rather what is more important.

Regarding a spouse - I can't speak directly to that I was married once for 18 years and have been divorced for 9 years.  However I KNEW that transitioning was going to dramatically reduce my odds of finding someone.  I still get offers to connect with women from a 8 year old profile for online dating that I am unable to delete.  I feel bad that I don't reply but I think they may be a little disappointed if I replied now 

I made my choice and I don't regret it.  All I advise to others that are struggling with these choices is 2 things.
1.  Don't lie to yourself or loved ones.  This includes lying by omission.  They deserve to deal with the truth.
2.  Don't let fear shape your decisions.  Find the courage to live authentically - whatever that is.

I now relinquish the soapbox and return the thread to Emma. 

This was beautiful, thank you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

HI Tonya I am glad you found that phrase useful and please use it freely.  The more people that understand the less we all have to battle.

Below was my first attempt.  I am posting it in case it might be useful to others.

                               Explaining GD:  Using Right vs Left as an example:

Only 10-12 percent of the population is reportedly left-handed.

Due to cultural and social pressures, many left-handed children were encouraged or forced to write and perform other activities with their right hands. This conversion can cause multiple problems in the developing left-handed child, including learning disorders, dyslexia, stuttering and other speech disorders.

1.    Why did I discover was left-handed so late?

     a.   Childhood:  I was left-handed but was trained to use only my right hand.  I learned from constant
                observation, correction and guidance that left was the only correct way to do things. 

     b.   Adolescence:  Being right-handed was the only socially acceptable way.  I accepted that I was wrong for
                using my left.  I was able to adapt and only use my right.

     c.   Adult:  I totally accepted that using my left was wrong and re-enforced my right.  Everyone was happy.

     d.   Late Life:  The world changed.  Suddenly I was told that being left-handed wasn't my fault but
                unfortunately, the world still believed that left-handed people were an aberration, "If you are right-handed,
                why would anyone ever want to become left-handed?"  I recognized that coming out left handed would
                destroy all that I had created over a lifetime.

2.   What does it feel like?

           a.   It feels like a mosquito bite that you spent a lifetime ignoring.  The occasional scratching made it tolerable
                but over time the inch became worse no matter what you did.  You just want it to stop and go away but it
                won't.

           b.   There is an extreme loneliness because there is no way to explain to yourself or to others why this has
                 happened to you, it just has.  It is an incurable personal tragedy that lacks the inherent human sympathy
                 that mortal diseases naturally draw out of people.   

          c.   If you use your left hand, everyone either verbally or non-verbally judges, condemns and belittles you.  It
                even draws out violence and revulsion in many people.  You feel condemnation, shame and embarrassment.

          d.   If you come out left-handed you drag your spouse and family down with you.  You will deeply hurt the ones
                you love.  You feel tremendous guilt and regret because what you done to others.  You know that once out,
                it can never be put back.

          e.   If you stay right-handed the itch will never goes away and it gets worse over time.

Stop using your dominant hand for a day and realize that that awkwardness is a lifetime experience.

[Emma1017]

I know that the responses have sort of intertwined.  That is really cool.  It should makes this thread a lot more interesting and more valuable. 

Thanks and hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Tonya I wanted to circle back and tell you I loved your quote (which I will also steal):

"I didn't become a woman, I've always been one, I just stopped pretending to be a man. "

[TonyaW]

Pretty sure I paraphrased that from somewhere, possibly out right stole it.

I have said I've always been a woman but didn't always have a way to finish that for people that don't understand it.


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[anne_indy]

Dear Emma - Thank you for your thread where you have shared so openly your journey. I have followed it from the beginning. You express so many of the concerns/stresses/decisions that many of us face. I too am in a situation of having to wait longer than expected, primarily due to a family crisis that dramatically changed our plans. When we confront the "beast" or "monster" of our dysphoria, we find it is neither, but a young tender child yearning to express itself and be acknowledged by those around it. The discussions it has generated and the feedback from others has been invaluable.
Anne