Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Thank you for your thoughts Anne.   

Kim convinced me that I needed to continue sharing as much for others and for my self.

I think the greatest personal obstacle has been, as Kim stated, my own trans phobia.  It is so shattering that it has taken this long to finally accept myself. 

I am ready to transition but now I am confronting all the personal technicalities of how to transition, the emotional issues of my relationship with my wife and the professional commitment to my job.

My "tender child yearning to express itself and be acknowledged by those around it" is a precocious and stubborn 14 year old girl who won't take no for an answer any more. 

The beast is the sense of social isolation.  I am learning that I am not as alone as I thought.  I won't know who will be my friends going forward in my life until I finally come out but I do know I will have family and friends who will support me. 

I would love to selfishly do it right now but I can't, like you I have responsibilities.

I hope that the family crisis in your life is resolved in the best way possible for you and your family.

Best regards,

Emma

[KimOct]

Tonya I wanted to circle back and tell you I loved your quote (which I will also steal):

"I didn't become a woman, I've always been one, I just stopped pretending to be a man. "

Great quote !!  Also I really like the left handed analogy Emma.

I am getting off the couch and going into a brutal work schedule the next four nights but only 3 more weeks until I return to a 9 to 5 office job.  YAY !!!

So glad you are doing well, keep that positive attitude.  You are going to be great.
HUGS
Kim

[Emma1017]

Hey Kim:

Soooo glad you got the job.  That makes the current one a part-timer!  Some positive predictability makes life easier to deal with.

I'm glad that you liked the left-handed analogy.  I have been working so hard to help cis people understand all that we are going through.  It is an intellectual Gordian Knot.  Not many people (including me) can easily process the complex mental gymnastics.

It has definitely tired and stressed me out, as if that has gone unnoticed on this thread

Have a great weekend and remember today is National Margarita Day!

Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

I posted this on another thread and thought it worth repeating:

I saw this in a news feed today and I figured we would appreciate an added benefit for taking female hormones besides breasts, soft skin, hair in the right places and maybe hips and butts:

    "Women make up nearly two-thirds of patients with Alzheimer's disease in the U.S., in part because they live
     longer than men. But researchers are also exploring whether menopause-related hormonal changes affect the
     disease's development.

     •   Symptoms of menopause—such as night sweats, hot flashes and even memory changes—are caused by declining levels of estrogen and other hormones.

     •   Estrogen protects the female brain from aging and stimulates neural activity. It may also help prevent the buildup  of clusters of proteins, or plaques, that are linked to Alzheimer's."

So if it is true that we have female brains then maybe a lifetime on estrogen will help prevent us from getting Alzheimer's.  I have wondered what would happen to me if I got Alzheimer's after transitioning.

I know, a little too clinical, but hey, I'll grab what I can.

Hugs,

Emma

[Entropic Variable]

I have been playing this song a lot and I cry:

This Is Me
Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Ensemble

I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one'll love you as you are
But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)
I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies,
this is me


I hope this helps.

Emma!  Thank you so much for letting me know about this:



Intense goosebumps +
The warmth of free-flowing tears +
A smile so broad it makes my face ache =
Wow...I feel better now!

Hope you do as well. 

[...]
I have taken your advice EV, I have changed my gender marker to "F" on this site.  You are right, it felt good.
[...]

           

eHug

[Entropic Variable]

[...]
     •   Estrogen protects the female brain from aging and stimulates neural activity. It may also help prevent the buildup  of clusters of proteins, or plaques, that are linked to Alzheimer's."
[...]

Another reason I can't wait to start HRT!  Thanks Emma! 

[Emma1017]

EV:

Thank you so much for downloading the music video.  I didn't know how and it makes the song so much more powerful.

I think of all of us when I hear it and I always cry, but with pride!

Thank you also for the support and inspiration to change my gender marker to F.

I am glad we all get an extra benefit to our intake of estrogen

Hugs,

Emma

[stephaniec]

sorry for your pain

[Emma1017]

Thanks Stephanie.  I definitely don't have the monopoly on it.  I am glad we have a place to get and give support.

[Emma1017]

Damn I just watched that video that EV posted for me above for the thousandth time and I just cry every time.

We are warriors: "A warrior is someone who faces conflict head on.   They overcome obstacles because at their core is their heart and mind, their spirit."

[Entropic Variable]

Hey Emma, 

Embedding a YouTube video in a post at Susan's Place is super easy, although it isn't at all obvious.  I learned how to do it by participating in @SiobhánF 's wonderful "What are you listening to?" thread; here's my latest entry if you're interested:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,215094.msg2227940.html#msg2227940

(Music has always been incredibly important to me, and without it I'm certain that I would have chosen to leave this world behind long ago.)

All you have to do is copy the full YouTube url from your laptop or desktop web browser address window and paste it into the composition window of your message.  Note that abbreviated YouTube urls generated by the share button below a video on YouTube or commonly generated by mobile devices won't work; it has to be the full url.

Also note that when you preview your message, the embedded video won't display, but it will once you've posted your message.

A mentor of mine was fond of saying that crying is a function of healing, so you should never ever ever try to hold back your tears.

Let the pain go...let the pain go...let the pain go...

eHug

[Jessica_Rose]

The internalized transphobia is hard to defeat. As you mentioned, the breakthrough comes when you realize that you are not pretending to be a woman, but that you have stopped pretending to be a man.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Emma1017]

Thanks EV but I don't know if I will ever find a music video as powerful as that one you posted for me but I will keep your instructions. 

I am starting to cry more and it feels good.

Jessica Rose, really glad you are up and around.  I agree with you that the challenge is to realize that we have been only playing as men all our lives.  Its really tough to wrap your head around but when you do it really feels right.

I am just beginning to understand why I never really fit in with any particular group all my life and why I have been called an outlier on many different occasions.  I never fit into any particular category.

I am sure this is true for all of us.

[KimOct]

I am tearing up not for me but for Emma and everyone starting this journey.  The quote about no longer pretending to be a man.  The references to crying the pain out.  The video about the strength to be 'me'.

These are all necessary things to steel ourselves to take this journey, to come out, to live as our authentic selves.
Nobody is /was more scared than I was early in my transition, I had to feel like a warrior to do it.  That is why most of my themes here revolve around courage.

Emma you have it.  It is building I can see it.  You got this.

[Emma1017]

Thanks Kim...

[Jennifer300]

I remember Farrah Fawcett filmed a documentary when she learned she had cancer.  She wanted people to see first hand what it was like to go through cancer so they would understand it better.  This thread reminds me of that.  The ups, the downs, the different angles to consider, and the hard choices that need to be made.   It is all there to read and gain knowledge for those who read it in the future.  Thank you for sharing the intimate parts of your transition.  Many don't understand how hard it is on the transgender person who is navigating through transgender self discovery.  Thanks again Emma, you may have helped more people than you will ever know. 

[Emma1017]

Thanks Jennifer.   I have learned I am not alone and that gives me strength.  I'm glad it helps others.   Hugs, Emma

[KimOct]

I remember about a month ago I told the story of how all that Ashley asked of me was to pay it forward.  I told you that you could do the same someday to which you replied -" I will be a lifeguard once I learn to swim"

You may be dog-paddling but I would say you are a lifeguard already. 

[Emma1017]

I don't know Kim I definitely feel like I'm still wearing my waders. 

[Emma1017]

Ok with the endless sadness I have shared, I thought I would share something funny today.

I went out for breakfast today and waitress introduced herself as Rachel and I almost introduced myself as Emma....hmmmm.  Looks like a sneak attack by my gender.

That would have been real confusing.  I still present as 100% male.  I had a really good private laugh.