Which hurts less

[HappyMoni]

This used to be a very serious thread about my tortured life.  Now it's all about music, yaboos and Joe Dirt...thank God!!!!! >:

Speaking of yaboos, no Moni I will not do a photo of my junior yaboos.  That will have to wait until I start pole dancing....as if

Kirsten this will be my third time out as Emma. I agree, as Emma I feel tremendous joy.

Emma, I do hope you are okay with the silliness that happens here. Honestly, I don't understand half of the joking around myself, but I try to tolerate it. To Kim's thought, at some point, you do have people watching your progress. It doesn't mean you have everything figured out, but you are showing strength and that is good for others to see. Rachel, (I think I saw her poke her head in the door here) is someone who went through a lot. She struggled for a long time in her journey, and is emerging wonderfully. She was helped by others and has in turn helped others. No, you don't have this all figured out and it is a long road. I do love the fight I see in you. I see the core of strength in you growing. Part of this process not driving you crazy is to laugh. Thank goodness we have Kim to laugh at. (Or is it 'with'? Hmmm! Love ya Kim!)
Pole dancing? Well........!?! My yaboo request was referring to Kirsten's blue singlet fetish. Guess I should have specified Aussie version.

Moni 

[KimOct]

Thank goodness we have Kim to laugh at. (Or is it 'with'? Hmmm! Love ya Kim!)

Hey !!!  I resemble that remark. 

Ever watch a good movie that made you laugh and made you cry?  What makes it good is that is what life is actually like.

This thread is a significant piece of your life's journey Emma and others are following it because they are on similar journeys.

Just like the good movie I described life is filled with laughter and tears.  If we ever take this in a direction that you don't want it to go please say so or PM me.

[Bea1968]

Of course you hurt and feel alone! I am so sorry.  I am sure a high percentage of folk here share those feelings.  I would honestly share your feelings with your wife.  I would explaine how you feel and for how long this has been a burden for you.  My wife was not happy when the topic came up.  She has been on a roller coaster of emotion and I decision about how she feels about this for the last few years.  She knows she loves me but does struggle to understand. 

Trust your wife and have faith in your love.  Do not continue to hide who you are.  You may find that some compromises will help her cope and also help you feel more happiness about yourself.

Best wishes!

Bea

[Emma1017]

Kim & Moni I love the humor.  I doubt you could offend me.

Moni I was just messing with you about my yaboos.

Bea thank you for your thoughts.  I have decided already that I am transitioning but I will do it slowly for personal and professional reasons.

[HappyMoni]

Kim & Moni I love the humor.  I doubt you could offend me.

Moni I was just messing with you about my yaboos.

Bea thank you for your thoughts.  I have decided already that I am transitioning but I will do it slowly for personal and professional reasons.

Emma you can't thrust a comment out there about your yaboos and expect someone not to bite. Ah,...so to speak. I hope you are smiling this morning. This is my last day of break so back to work tomorrow. I'll have less time to pester you. (And the crowd goes wild.)

I was thinking this morning, a dangerous endeavor to be sure, about how yesterday sparked my perspective on transition. I went with a close friend to an event. It's not my kind of event but I was thrilled to support my friend. She is in the process of coming out. She spent an incredible amount of time agonizing about facing these people she has known for years as her male self. I honestly think she was scared and I get it, so was I during my turn at this. So we go, and person after person just gave her hugs and talked to her like always. It was beautiful. So often the fear we build up is about nothing when it comes down to the reality.  Now my disclaimers! In reality, things can go worse than expected. Some people face terrible reactions. Second disclaimer, I am just making an observation based on yesterday. It is not aimed at you and your situation specifically. I just think for anyone reading this thread, looking at possibly coming out, your worst fears quite possibly can go poof into thin air.  It's like the old barfing analogy. Ya sit in bed moaning and groaning, trying not to throw up, being just miserable. Finally you run to the bathroom, worship the porcelain god for a few seconds, and suddenly you feel much better. I think for most people, this is coming out. Wow, I think I have my idea for a Hallmark card.

[Tessa James]

Oh Moni I'm not sure that one is getting to Hallmark but you do have a creative bent;)

We might well consider these threads as preparation?   We may rehearse and gain practice at coming out here in a supportive climate.  Once we have arrived at some level of acceptance we can get ready for the more public and personal revelations.  Unless we never intend to speak of our lives in transition, coming out can feel like it is happening for the rest of our lives.  Labels really are not pasted to our foreheads.  I broke into tears and cried my way through coming out queer in 1982 and again in 2013 by owning my rightful gender identity.  Now I have quick and practiced lines that are hopefully helpful.

Rather than a weighty burden we may also choose to see and feel this process as one of liberation and education with benefits well beyond our personal sphere.  Transition and living our truth are acts of courage even as they may also feel necessary just to survive.  Rock on dear friends.

[Emma1017]

Tessa, Kim and Moni you provide the courageous path to follow.  I truly hope that when I come out that the fear I have felt has been over done by me.  There are so many moving elements and so little real world support, I just have to hope.

You all inspire and support.

Hugs,

Emma

PS Moni I love having yaboos!

[HappyMoni]

My back up plan for Hallmark was Emma's yaboos but she insists on no pictures. Maybe I can talk Kim into it. (Any pump updates, Kim?)

Emma and Tessa, this is a whole semantic debate which I wasn't planning on, but I don't think what I did was courageous. I think it was extreme desperation reacting to something I could no longer deal with. I am no different than the average person who wants to but hasn't transitioned. There is no special quality in me. When people get desperate enough, in general, they make the move. All the million times I ran from this, I wasn't a coward, and when I went ahead it wasn't bravery. I mainly say this because anyone reading this thread who hasn't moved forward should not beat themselves up for hesitating. They shouldn't think they are any less 'worthy' (may not be the right word) than anyone who does. Maybe they are in a different position or are more concerned with those around them then I was. No, I don't see it! I do think that part of the difference between someone who goes forward and someone who holds back, has  to do with recognizing and facing fear. I think some who hold back don't see that fear will never go away. They might not see that whenever they proceed, fear will be just as big. I know some, like Emma, have legit reasons to wait. I think there is, for some, a thought that if they can only wait long enough, the fear will be less. This only creates anxiety on top of the fear. Also, I think knowing that a good result is possible is big for facing the decision. A big boost for me was looking at a defunct website called Wehappytrans. It showed me happy transitioners, and I started to believe maybe I could be happy too. Oh crap, am I rambling. Okay back to the yaboo conversation!

[Emma1017]

Dear Moni and all:

It's YMMV (your mileage may vary) again.  Courage & desperation vs fear & bravery, when I talk to everyone who has been combat I hear the same analysis.

The bottom line is you over came.  Each of us has this wall.  You can go over it, under it, around it or sit back, have a beer and talk about what a great wall it is.  We each find a way to deal with it and...NO BODY IS WRONG.

You decide what you can do.  It's like running a marathon.  You should never destroy your body to complete the race.  I have seen people die of heart attacks (in their 20's) because they were to sooo determined than made any sense.

Please be honest to your self and pick what you can do, not some artificial goal that will destroy you in the process.  Sit back and have a beer if the wall is too high.  Be OK.

Moni just be my hero like Kim and everyone else who has given me light along this path.  You deserve to just be proud that you have dealt with your own "wall".

With big hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

An old friend PM'd me to touch base after many months.  She couldn't read all of the pages so I thought I would summarize how I got here:

During Pregnancy:  Early in 1955 my Mom got pregnant with me.  She had lost her second child 18 months earlier to a miscarriage.  Her doctor prescribed DES (diethylstilbestrol). 

4-5 years old:  I traded my girl play friend my truck for a pair of her tights.  I have always wanted to be a ballerina.  I remember fantasizing that I would magically transform into a girl all the time after that.

6-7 Years Old:  I played with my mothers' makeup and loved the touch of her nylon stockings

8 years old:  Saw a Twilight Zone episode where a plain teenage girl gets transformed into a beautiful girl.  I used to dream that was me.  I always searched for anything that had a boy to girl/man to woman theme the rest of my life.  I prayed regularly that I would be magically transformed.

10 years old:  I bought my first stockings.  For the rest of my life I always had a secret stash of stockings, pantyhose and tights.  I always thought I had a fetish but it was the only female garment that was easy to hide and gave me the female intimacy that I needed.

17 years old:   I really tried to convince myself that I would grow out of my "fetish" when I went away to college...wrong.  I realized that it was something that was never going away.  I felt shame, embarrassment and fear of discovery.  I walled it up so successfully that it wasn't until I was 60 years old that the wall started to collapsed.

62 years old:  I was standing on a subway platform having a full-blown panic attack, my third in a week and I started looking at the train tracks as the train came in.  I held on, not for me but for the incredible pain I would cause my wife and son.

     I finally decided to get help.

63 years old:  With the help of my analyst I finally truly and inescapably understood that I was not a fetishist or cross dresser, I was transgender.  The pain had a purpose and I was able to unravel the real me after all these years.  I joined in a transgender support group on line and discovered I was absolutely not alone and that my pain, emotional torture, shame and anger was being experience on a global scale by millions of others.  That shared pain created a bond that drew us together and we helped each other climb over that wall.

I am transgender and I am ok.

[Emma1017]

What I learned on the last 18 months:

1.   It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.

2.   It is not a choice.  It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.

3.   The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older.  It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.

4.   The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.

5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast.  Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand.  In most instances they do the complete opposite.
 
6.   Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.

7.   You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.

8.   On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weight of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.

9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you may have selfishly destroyed her life unless her love is stronger and she has the heart of a warrior.

10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.

11.   Do not give up hope.  Find allies and be patient as you find your own answer.

[Emma1017]

  This is who I want to be.

[KimOct]

I start catching up on the thread this evening with Moni comparing transitioning to vomiting 
So there's THAT !!

And to answer the boob pump question - I am not doing it very often but I can tell a little difference.  I need to use it more often.

OK so the 'real' topic.  Courage.  I talk a lot on this site about courage.  But it is not courage for courage sake.  To 'prove' something.  That we measure up.  I certainly don't come close to measuring up as trans.  I have not had FFS or vaginoplasty or BA.  Measure up?  I don't come close.

The entire point of living as transgender is to be happy.  If it is not going to make you happy then don't do it.  What is the point?

We all have to make choices in our lives.  For example if someone truly believes that their career goals will bring them real happiness then great.  If you think being a beach bum will make you happy - great.

Regarding being trans if you think cross dressing on Saturday nights will make you happy - great.

Being happy or at least at peace is what this is all about.

Those with a spouse or SO that they love face additional questions.  Can their partner be expected to stay? I don't think they can be EXPECTED to but hopefully they will.  This is a huge consideration.

But the flip side of all of this is if your gender issues are truly eating you up inside how are you possibly going to be any good to yourself or anyone else?  If you are miserable you are going to make those around you miserable.

My sole point about courage is do not let fear control you.  For the first time I remember I disagree a little with Moni I think transitioning takes courage but it does not make us any better than those who do not follow this path.

We all have to weigh our options and make our choices.  This is far from the best path for everyone for many reasons but if you believe it is the path that you WANT or NEED ( that differs from person to person in intensity) but if you do believe it is the right path do not let fear stand in your way.

I let it stand in my way for 55 years.  At least it wasn't forever.

[KimOct]

  This is who I want to be.

That is who you ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[KimOct]

5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast.  Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand.  In most instances they do the complete opposite.

I disagree with this point in MOST cases.  Sadly it is sometimes true.

[Kirsteneklund7]

  This is who I want to be.

  You are beautiful Emma, but be nice to that guy who has allowed you to exist.

I feel about as beautiful as a Yobbo compared to you !

(Just kidding). I cant wait to hear about Emma's next visit.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

[Emma1017]

Kirsten you made me actually blush...the fact that I am admitting it is interesting...hmm there is more Emma coming through every day.

Although I love that photo, I really don't feel beautiful.  That photo is great makeup and a wig.  I truly wish I had hair like that.  Mine looks like I was a prisoner in a Soviet gulag.

Kim thank you for "That is who you ARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I hope that some day I will be able to say that with the same 100% conviction.

[Emma1017]

Some side thoughts that struck me today:

I hate getting my hair cut.  I went yesterday to the barber and I stopped looking the mirror.  I caught myself sighing and, of course, I hated the look.  My job requires the professional "suit and tie" look. (some day a skirt?)

The second is just my very confused sense of sexuality.  In the office when I see an attractive woman in a skirt and heels and my first reaction pure sexual attraction, the second "nice shoes and I like the outfit".  Thank God no one can read my mind!

[Maddie]

  This is who I want to be.

Nice shoes and I like the outfit  

No wonder its difficult to view reflections of yourself when you look different than you want.

[Emma1017]

Maddie I loved the tongue and cheek!

I know I will never have a mirror reflection that will make me 100% happy all the time.  I will settle for 70% at some time.

I find myself increasingly checking out the outfits than the person wearing it.  I am having fun doing it!

So, as I continue the transition process, I need to recognize the fun side. 

See Kim and Moni, I am admitting that there is light at the end of my tunnel and it doesn't look like a train coming at me.