Which hurts less

[KimOct]

Love you Monnie.   

So here's the infamous pic.  I have NO shame.

The eyebrows settled down in a few days.

[Emma1017]

Kim you looks absolutely great.  I love that photo.  What a great smile!!! 

[Jessica_Rose]

I wish I looked that nice when I started. When I look at my company badge photo, taken on my second full day as Jessica, I cringe. But it also makes me remember how strong my desire was to finally become myself, to finally release my soul from the dark place where I had to keep her hidden. We may never be perfect, or match the mental image we have of ourselves, but we can be our true selves. After all is said and done, being able to just be ourselves is the greatest joy of all.

[Emma1017]

Jessica and Kim:

The theme I get from sharing your histories is that we all need to recognize, even after a lifetime of waiting, that the process evolves over a time period that includes years.  It is a painful reality but one that must be accepted. 

I have fantasized about the "magic pill" since I was a child and so my imaginary timeline was overnight to become the girl I wanted to be.  Discovering at age 60 that I actually have a chance to be the woman that I always thought was a dream, triggers the lifelong "magic pill" impatience.

I have discovered that the evolution of my external sex to match my internal gender is a very long process.  It took me so long to mentally and emotionally accept that I was transgender and to accept that my spouse needs to decide if she wants to stay with me (hence this myopically long thread ).  Once I got far enough down that path, I finally started to begin to alter my exterior.

Now at age 63 I have at least two more years at the earliest before the surgeries are done and recovery is complete.

It seems a like a life time away....

Sigh and a hug,

Emma

[Emma1017]

Ok a very strangely timed article appeared in today's NY Times about Jan Morris who came out transgender in 1972 at age 46.  She is a famous British writer who was on the 1952 British expedition that first conquered Mount Everest.  What an amazing pair of accomplishments for one life!  https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/25/books/jan-morris-in-my-minds-eye.html

What struck me emotionally was, as I whined in my last post about my age, she is celebrating her 92 birthday, her 46th as a woman!  I have no clue if I will live that long but I hope that for the rest of my life I will do so happily as the woman I feel I am.

I was also struck by the fact that she is still with her life-long companion, her wife.  They had a headstone carved that says, "Here are two friends, at the end of one life."

I was lost in tears and felt the need to share here.

Hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

Ok a very strangely timed article appeared in today's NY Times about Jan Morris who came out transgender in 1972 at age 46.  She is a famous British writer who was on the 1952 British expedition that first conquered Mount Everest.  What an amazing pair of accomplishments for one life!  https://www.nytimes.com/2019/04/25/books/jan-morris-in-my-minds-eye.html

What struck me emotionally was, as I whined in my last post about my age, she is celebrating her 92 birthday, her 46th as a woman!  I have no clue if I will live that long but I hope that for the rest of my life I will do so happily as the woman I feel I am.

I was also struck by the fact that she is still with her life-long companion, her wife.  They had a headstone carved that says, "Here are two friends, at the end of one life."

I was lost in tears and felt the need to share here.

Hugs,

Emma

When I was 18 in 1987 I read Jan Morris  "Conundrum". I was also researching SRS in the local university library.

I was hoping there was a way I could get a sex change but it all seemed too rare and too fantastic to even get started.

I ended up dating a lovely woman instead and that helped me forget my gender misalignment.

Now decades later I read " Conundrum" again and I am modelling my transition on Jans - take the HRT and slide into femininity naturally over time.

I hope I can keep my family like she did!

Hugs, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[Emma1017]

Kirsten you and I share the same hope(s)!  All I know is that we are doing the best we can. 

I am not sure if I shared this (this thread is too long for me to remember) but I told my son I am transgender three weeks ago. He is 23.  He hugged me and said he loved me.  YAY!!!

I hope my wife surprises me like that some day!

Hugs,

Emma

[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten you and I share the same hope(s)!  All I know is that we are doing the best we can. 

I am not sure if I shared this (this thread is too long for me to remember) but I told my son I am transgender three weeks ago. He is 23.  He hugged me and said he loved me.  YAY!!!

I hope my wife surprises me like that some day!

Hugs,

Emma

That IS GOOD news. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My youngest sister told me,

" I dont mind what you end up looking like  you will always be my sibling and you will always be you."

That touched me. Everyone else is accepting.

My wife was not so impressed with my days outfit of skirt and top.

I could stop dressing but the anxiety and loss of hope is too much for me to put up with.

It is true Emma, we can only do our best

  Big hug,  Kirsten.


Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[KimOct]

I have fantasized about the "magic pill" since I was a child and so my imaginary timeline was overnight to become the girl I wanted to be.  Discovering at age 60 that I actually have a chance to be the woman that I always thought was a dream, triggers the lifelong "magic pill" impatience.


Emma

Sadly there is no magic pill.  No matter what you look like as you transform it will never match that magic pill.  I have been living as a woman since 2016 and I still long for that magic pill.  (news flash - it ain't happening )

All we can do in this life is live as our real self.  To accept who we are and not live in fear.  Hopefully that will bring us peace.  Is my life all rainbows and unicorns ?  Far from it,  I still have many challenges including the ongoing battle of my body dysphoria.

But here is the thing.  Now that I am comfortable living as an openly transgender woman ( which took about 2 years )
I am now happier than I have been in a very very long time.  I still have problems but I don't feel the heavy weight of despair that I carried for a long time.

That is what I wish for everyone struggling with this.  And I encourage you to do it sooner rather than later.  There is always a rationalization to go slowly and I am not suggesting to act foolishly but I also think pushing the envelope - HARD -  is a good thing.

[Colleen_definitely]

I agree, sooner is better than later.

Admittedly the first few months of being full time were nerve wracking.  But after a couple of years now, I came to actually enjoy life.  Before that it was a chore.

[Emma1017]

I totally agree with you Colleen and Kim.  Once you commit don't hesitate.  The challenge is committing. 

It has taken a lifetime plus 18 months for me to understand and then finally commit.  My earlier point was that the "magic pill" was a fantasy.  I needed to prepare myself for the realistic timeline of years.  When you have spent a lifetime fantasizing, reality is an icy barrier that you need to push through.

So far, with the help of my analyst and you all, I understand so I have the mental focus I need.  My wife, two friends and my son now know I am transgender. My next goal is confirm that I am going to actually transition to them.

I am working on my presentation with Donna, I have an endocrinologist, a voice trainer, an electrologist, a laser tech and I just contacted a GCS surgeon. 

Whew I feel like a Formula 1 race car.

I am incredibly afraid but also incredibly determined so, Dr. Kim, I will continue to push my comfort zone.


Hugs,

Emma

[Emma1017]

The cool thing about this thread is that I don't need feedback to keep writing it.   

I worry at times that my myopic focus is becoming boring and worthless.  My story is not unique but I take great joy in being a part of the most honest, heart-felt sharing and open dialogue with a world of complete strangers who I have come to simply love in a very mysterious way.

This has been truly magical.

Heartfelt hugs,

Emma

[KimOct]

Emma I think you are in a good place, better than in a long time.  Once I decided to transition I had a mission.  Everything was planned out and it got me going.  The plans and journey changed over time, some for the better and others for the worse but having a mission, a goal and a plan is how to do this.

You are getting there.

PS I understood the magic pill reference, I wished for it too, it's a fun fantasy but now it's the real deal.

[KimOct]

We posted simultaneously, jinx  .  Beside be cathartic for you and helping you gain insight others get to read the insight of others that have traveled this path.  People such as Moni, Colleen, Jessica and other wise people.

The only problem is that knuckleheads like me can sneak in here too. 

[Emma1017]

This more like the Oregon Trail...you're not the first down it but the trail can get lonely a lot.

I'm from NY Kim.  Please explain "jinx"....

[HappyMoni]

Dear Dr. Knucklehead, you do pretty darn good in the advice and support column. 

Sorry, I am dealing with a crazy woman at work and the stress has been bad the last few days. My good news is getting stitches out of my neck scar correction. Jury is out on how it will look. It's my forth and last repair from facial surgery three years ago. Also, I am headed for a voice evaluation next week hopefully. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. The speech therapist is very excited to meet me, and that makes me feel better. She works with the speech therapist at my job. Thought I would share a bit too.

[Jessica_Rose]

This more like the Oregon Trail...you're not the first down it but the trail can get lonely a lot.

Also no two paths are exactly the same. Reading the journeys of others can help us find our own unique path. Knowing that others have gone before proves it is possible, and it will help those who follow us down the path.

I am reminded of a passage from the 'Deep Space 9' series, where Commander Cisco was talking to Jadzea Dax. I expect this is not an exact quote, but it's close:

Cisco: You should learn Klingon.
Jadzea: That would take at least two years!
Cisco: Yes, but if you don't start, in two years you still won't know how to speak Klingon.

It is a long journey, and we learn a lot about ourselves and others along the way. It isn't easy, and we all have days when we wonder what the hell we are doing. All we need to do is remember our past, then we remember why we decided to take this journey. We are all here to learn, vent, express our joys and sorrows, find support, and on some days give support. Enough rambling for now...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[KimOct]

Emma - Jinx, it is a thing from when we were kids.  If you say something at the same time the game is the first one that says jinx wins.  Whatever, it's a stupid kids thing.

Moni - Glad you are excited about the voice therapy.  Have modest expectations and I think you will like it.

Jessica - Those are some insightful words for 'ramblings'

[Emma1017]

I put this on Kirsten's' thread and thought it was appropriate to put it here.

    Hi Kirsten:

    I intended to pull back from my thread and this website for a while but I saw yours and, as always, it struck a cord
    with me.

    I haven't gotten as far as you to even wear a dress in front of my wife at home but I am hoping that as I quietly
    evolve with HRT and externalize my internal thoughts and feelings, she will come to an understanding.  We have
    been together too long for her not to know and I hope we have a quiet conversation rather than the painful
    confrontation that I fear.

    You and I are confronting a lot.  The sense I get from you is that the female that is you is slowing wearing away the
    male facade.  I feel the changes inside me doing the same.  I can't ignore the joy that I feel that is slowly replacing
    the fear.


    Hugs,

    Emma

[Emma1017]

Hi Jessica:

First I absolutely love  that dress on you!  It goes with your smile.

My road feels so long and so lonely.  Sometimes I lose heart but knowing you, Kim, Moni and everyone else who has preceded, I feel the community strength to hang in and push through.

I like to believe the dark sadness that I feel even now will melt away as I continue to move on.  I just hate the slowness at times.

Hug,

Emma