Dear All:
I am going to be on a dive boat for the next two weeks and there is virtually no internet. Good news for you all that I won't subject you to my emotional outbursts
Unfortunately, like the quote from the movie PAPILLON, "There is no escape from Devils Island." , I will be thinking about all of this most of the time.
I was mulling the pain our secret has been all our lives and pulled the following together and thought I would share:
We all have secrets. Some are small, some are big and some are huge. Ours is gigantic.
The number-one reason people keep secrets or lie is to "keep the peace." We hold onto secrets to keep other people happy, safe, set in their vision of the world, and in their vision of us. "Lies" are the sturdiest walls that we humans erect within and around ourselves, thereby keeping ourselves trapped and wrapped in a wide range of limitations.
Shame, fear of embarrassment or fear of not being accepted often are the motivation behind keeping something secret.
According to Scientific American: "It hurts to keep secrets. Secrecy is associated with lower well-being, worse health, and less satisfying relationships. Research has linked secrecy to increased anxiety, depression, symptoms of poor health, and even the more rapid progression of disease. There is a seemingly obvious explanation for these harms: Hiding secrets is hard work. You have to watch what you say. If asked about something related to the secret, you must be careful not to slip up. This could require evasion or even deception.
Constant vigilance and concealment can be exhausting.New research, however, suggests that the harm of secrets doesn't really come from the hiding after all. The real problem with keeping a secret is not that you have to hide it,
but that you have to live with it, and think about it.
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology actually has come up with a magic number of secrets nearly everyone is keeping. The magic number is 13. And although all 13 secrets aren't 100% unconfessed, the average person is living with 5 secrets that NO ONE knows!
The Atlantic reported: "Previous research has shown that keeping secrets is linked to lower well-being. It was thought that the reason is just that many of our secrets are negative, and thinking about negative things is a bummer. That's probably true (though it's worth noting that positive secrets, like surprises, likely work differently), but this study found another reason, one more specific to secrecy: Thinking of secrets means thinking of things you aren't being open and honest about in your relationships,
which makes people feel less authentic."
My problem is nailed by the following:
"It can be unhealthy to reveal certain parts of ourselves if there are people close to us that would be very unaccepting of it, because of the pain and the separation that that would cause to reveal that." But the main message in many of these scenarios is that you should weigh the consequences -- both to you and someone else. Think about whom you tell, how that person will react and whether you will both be better off."
https://www.cnn.com/2012/11/05/health/secrets-psychology/index.htmlI keep weighing and weighing the consequences. I keep looking for a way out. There is only one and I need to follow it but I hate it with all my being and heart...but not enough to stop.
You are right Kim I am by the edge of a pool of water except I am on a cliff and there are rocks in the water below. I need to time the "waves" right.
Talk to you all soon, love,
Emma
