I leave in a couple of hours but my thoughts never stop. Again I wrote something for me and I felt the need to share. I wrote this for others in my life. I hope you find it is useful:
The Pain
The pain of being transgender is almost indescribable.
The loneliness, the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the fear of discovery, the absolute human anguish, all trapped inside your head... and no one in your life has a clue.
It gets compounded by the lack of sympathy, compassion, understanding and comfort from others, the fear of anyone knowing, the fear of being seen as a freak, the fear of rejection.
It has been part of you for years, for decades. It is lived every day, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, minute by painful minute.
You started to learn how to hide your secret from when you were only child. You felt the "
natural you" and you tried to simply live it. You were told it was wrong and you were regularly corrected. Everyone and everything around you told you what you should be. You were confused but you learned.
You learned that your feelings and sense of self were wrong. You learned to hide those feelings, those thoughts. They were bad. As a child what did you know? Mom, Dad, the older kids, they all knew better. You learned from them.
Your skill grew with time and experience. Everyone around you drove you to improve your skill in hiding. They were not allowed to know your secret because you learned quickly that they hated what you were hiding.
They were the enemy. They proved it time and time again. They were your parents, friends, family, spouses and children. They were the media, religious and political groups and society around you, on a global scale. You had a "disease" that no one wanted to understand and everyone seemed to hate.
You let no one in.
You were perpetually behind enemy lines.
Over time you became so skilled that hiding became second nature. You learned to cover your emotional tracks. No one saw you or knew you were there. They saw what you wanted them to see, knowing at all times they would never accept you.
You hid to prevent being an outcast. You wanted to just be accepted so you became what they wanted.
You found safe ways to take care of your inner self but even then, you were mean and cruel to yourself. You rejected what you saw. You saw your own disgust reflected in the mirror every time you looked.
You hated being you.
On and on this goes on for years. On and on you build a wall that excludes a part of your heart, a part of your soul.
It is exhausting, draining, soul crushing.
The exhaustion grows. You start to lose the strength you thought you could carry to the grave.
You just can't do it anymore.
The strain and the pain become enormous. You try to find a solution, a way to escape the growing pain that comes with the emotional fatigue.
As you heroically try to keep up the wall in your emotional realities, you begin to realize that you can't. You see your failure coming...
and you are all alone in your crowded life.
You finally come to the point of a life altering moment offering two choices.
But you reject both.
You continue to desperately struggle and push back again, again and again. You refuse to accept but you feel the deep, deep agony driving you forward to the choice:
Either open up you heart and soul to the world and accept what will come or die.I would rather open up my heart and soul. The world will have to accept.
A massive, tearful hug,
Emma
