Which hurts less

[Emma1017]

Stephee I agree, I want female acceptance.  I know from everyone that has been part of my thread here that acceptance by most women will be the easiest of all the challenges and that makes me very happy.

Moni I would love to show up at the dive boat in a two piece bathing suit that actually fit.  I would video the reactions and guarantee that I couldn't safely stay on board...   It speaks to their desperation not my looks , so the answer is I will "really like when I am actually in a situation where people see me as female."

[HappyMoni]

S, so the answer is I will "really like when I am actually in a situation where people see me as female."

I do!

[KimOct]

Sorry I missed the welcome back party !!  I had to stay overtime dealing cards to the degenerates.   HI EMMA !!

You seemed less confused than I expected which is GREAT !!  I think it is very easy to conflate the camaraderie that was talked about earlier with being one of the guys.   We all want to be accepted and part of the group.  The women didn't think of us as in their group when we lived as guys so we went where we were accepted.

I remember the testosterone male bonding of some hardcore snowmobile trips I used to go on.  We would mount up on our snowmobiles ( called sleds by us cool kids ) and fire up those engines and go screaming across the frozen lakes at 100 mph from one bar to the next.  Incredibly fun and dangerous.  And then we would dismount like conquering heroes and swagger into the next place.  It was a blast.

A big part of it being a blast was the camaraderie, that was the thing.  From those of us that are living 24/7 now it does translate.  Not all women see me as a woman but many do.  And even the ones that don't I can tell things have shifted.  They treat me differently and more like one of them than before.

I still like hanging out with my guy friends and sometimes slip into the guy vernacular a little more just to make them comfortable ( and to be honest to show I am still the same person ) but I really think at the end of the day it is just part of wanting to be included and wanted.  Like the old "Cheers" TV show theme song - 'where everybody knows your name".   When you live as a woman then you become one of them too.  Maybe not a charter member LOL  but a member nonetheless.   

PS Now leave that picture up there !!!!  😀 😀 It makes you happy!!  And it is the real you.

Compare my profile pic to my pics in my 'joys of not passing thread'.  Not exactly the same.  So your profile pic is very flattering .... so what?  It is still you.  And some members even use face app pics.  I happen to like my face app pics.
I can tell it is me but an improved me.  Anyhoo..... stop being so hard on yourself and LEAVE THE PIC !!!!!!  🙂

[Emma1017]

OK Kim I'll leave the avatar photo!!!!!

On a different note, I keep trying to ignore all the transition things I have put in motion as if they aren't real.  I feel like I am going through the motions but there is still a wall between what is "real" and what is still a fantasy.

Now when I try to deny and challenge what I am doing for my transition I keep going back to your comment Kim:

   "The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender."

This is a painfully long process!

[Stepheewt]

I feel like I am going through the motions but there is still a wall between what is "real" and what is still a fantasy.

Sometimes it's easier to believe it's a fantasy when reality is to painful to face. Unfortunately as you go forward the lines are blurred. Male mode is harder to hide changes so you can keep both worlds. It's a tightrope walk. The only choice is keep walking it, fall off accidentally or just jump off on your own terms.

[Emma1017]

It continues to be surreal. 

I still can't accept the reality of being transgender and transitioning even as I continue taking the steps.  It's like sleep walking, you know you are doing it but you can't stop. 

Honestly I don't want to stop but I keep fighting it anyway hoping to wake up.

[Stepheewt]

I have fought it many times. I'm the Queen so to speak of the studder step move. I get going then back off. I'm the closest to being out then ever before. But I still hide in male mode for the world most of the time. Somehow being a guy who is overweight wearing a spans top helps to hide growth and changes. Long hair can easily be put back styled poorly and I'm a guy. (With a gal screaming to get out more)

[GinaG]

It continues to be surreal. 

I still can't accept the reality of being transgender and transitioning even as I continue taking the steps.  It's like sleep walking, you know you are doing it but you can't stop. 

Honestly I don't want to stop but I keep fighting it anyway hoping to wake up.

Hi Emma. Welcome back!

Yes it is surreal someties.  I am feeling that day to day is normal. I fight it lome but I am letting go of that though.  My wife is good at making me focus.   Sounds. Like you are feeling better with yours.  It is hard for wives to feel surreal too. Itis hard to accept us quickly.  We go to therapytogether it really helps us both with that. 

Hugs. 

Gina

[Emma1017]

Thanks for the welcome back Gina.  I needed the diversion.

Now that I am back the transition doubts return.  This whole experience is just so frustrating! 

Where is that magic wand when you need it?

[Emma1017]

"The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender." 

Kim get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GinaG]

Well mine certainly aren't either.  Doubts bubble up.  I read things on here daily.  I just can't deny it.  My doubts are more about how I will look feel.  My therapist says we only have today.  A magic wand would be tempting.  But I am trying to celebrate the journey.  There is joy and love.  Much of it here. 

Somehow we will come out th other side.  Lots to do between now and .....
Patience is the hardest thing for me.  Iwaited so long. 

Kim is relentless.  Cis guys don't want HRT.  I surrender to that.

Hugs

[Emma1017]

Great job keeping it positive Gina!

[KimOct]

"The things you have been doing are not the actions of someone that is cis gender." 

Kim get out of my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Muhahahaha  I'm living there 

Ok so seriously, as I admit often I don't have this all figured out just parts of it, particularly living openly.  So for one of the parts that I DON'T have figured out is my body dysphoria.  I had a talk with my therapist about it last week.  She calls it MY showdown.  Our talk may be helpful for you.

I was explaining to her the fantasy that I had my entire life of being female and how my body just doesn't fit what I dreamed it to be.  Far from it.  She explained to me that sometimes we have to live in fantasy in order to survive.
It is a natural reaction to keep going on.  She wants me to come to my next visit with some notes of how I had imagined myself.

The point I am making to you is that this was a fantasy for you for 63 years.  Turning your mind around 180 degrees into this is reality is a big task.  But the time is now.  The rubber is hitting the road, we are down to brass tacks, poop or get off the pot...    etc etc.

You know who you are.  Do what you need to do.

[HappyMoni]

New words for Emma's head,  "Resistance is futile!"  LOL Excuse my Star Trek nerdiness.

You ladies, and I say this with all respect, you ladies remind me of a bunch of teenage girls standing around the surreal swimming pool, dipping a toe in the water, feeling you need to get in but are afraid of that first rush of cold water. Kim and I are swimming around saying the water is great. She splashes water in my face. I say watch out, bitch! We both laugh. (Oh Moni stop with the tangents!) We think you'll have a great time, but can't tell you to get in until you decide to jump. Whoops, just snapped Kim's bikini top strap! Ahhhh!
I get it, it is hard to believe that you are contemplating this. I only tease because I've been where you are. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but if I had never jumped in, it would have been the biggest mistake I ever made. Like I was telling Kirsten, my son introduced me as his Mom this past weekend. It was an amazing moment in my life. I hope, that if moving forward is right for you, that you will control your life and you kick fear right in the ever loving chops. Hugs!

Stephee, nice to see you.  🙂

[Stepheewt]

Happy Moni....nice to be seen without people gathering up pitchforks and torches.

But thank you. And yes the pool does look very inviting. It's that damn undercurrent that gets me (and worrying if that kid in the corner with the grin on his face forgot where the bathroom is)

Nope scary pool again..

[KimOct]

New words for Emma's head,  "Resistance is futile!"  LOL Excuse my Star Trek nerdiness.

You ladies, and I say this with all respect, you ladies remind me of a bunch of teenage girls standing around the surreal swimming pool, dipping a toe in the water, feeling you need to get in but are afraid of that first rush of cold water. Kim and I are swimming around saying the water is great. She splashes water in my face. I say watch out, bitch! We both laugh. (Oh Moni stop with the tangents!) We think you'll have a great time, but can't tell you to get in until you decide to jump. Whoops, just snapped Kim's bikini top strap! Ahhhh!
I get it, it is hard to believe that you are contemplating this. I only tease because I've been where you are. I can only speak for myself when I say this, but if I had never jumped in, it would have been the biggest mistake I ever made. Like I was telling Kirsten, my son introduced me as his Mom this past weekend. It was an amazing moment in my life. I hope, that if moving forward is right for you, that you will control your life and you kick fear right in the ever loving chops. Hugs!

Stephee, nice to see you. 

Moni is holding my head under the water !!!!!!!  She probably just wants the lifeguard to jump in. 

So here's the thing.  In a different topic I started 'the decision' I went to great lengths to say this is not right for everyone.  Different levels of gender dysphoria, different life goals, different priorities and of course spouses are a huge deal.  And for some people the fear is too overwhelming.  That is not wrong it is just the way it is.

So in this thread I have broken my self imposed rule by urging Emma to transition.  I honestly think it is the first time in the 4 years I have participated in trans forums that I have done so.  Why is Emma the lone exception?  Because of the 54 pages of this thread following her journey.  The feelings she has shared.  IMHO I think it is the only path to happiness.  BUT   this is not my life it is Emma's and whatever she does she has my respect and my friendship.  This stuff is just my opinion so for those of you following I am not saying - ' go out and transition'.

What I do say to everyone else is if it is fear stopping you that can be conquered if it is important enough and if it is not important enough then that is OK.  We all must choose our path.  I am simply giving Emma my opinion but I am just some knucklehead on the internet.  Emma is a bright, intelligent person.  I will not sway her other than to give her food for thought.  Besides I like living in her head the rent is free. 

Moni leave that lifeguard alone !!!

Stepheewt welcome to the club.  Having new people trying to figure out this path is what this is all about.  It was me a few years ago.

[Stepheewt]

Thanks Kim, I keep feeling like it some how might happen for me. Then the FEAR....big things like the WIFE.....KIDS.....just a lot to figure out. I can tell you I'm never more at peace than when I'm Stephee. The calm I feel on Estrogen is like nothing else. I'm just me. So the 2 worlds will continue to gain speed towards the game of chicken I'm stuck in the middle of.. So here I am at the pool again wading in the shallow end, afraid to step into deeper water or worse yet, get my hair wet.........

[Emma1017]

Wow Kim 54 pages!  Am I wearing out my welcome? 

I started this thread with the same resolve that I had when I started with my therapist, absolute honesty.  I promised myself no more self lies, no more hiding how I feel and no more denial.

I promised after 62 years that I would hold nothing back.  Thank you all for listening, supporting, sharing your thoughts and opinions and for opening up your hearts.

I am never alone now.

Kim, for your peace of mind, you can never talk me into transitioning, nor have you tried.  You have shared your thoughts and experiences, for which I truly thank you.  The decision has and always will be mine.

My intention has been for the last few months to transition...still not a done deal.  I am pursuing every avenue to achieve that goal recognizing that there many road blocks along the way.

If I don't transition, it won't be for lack of trying, it will be because of an obstruction of such colossal size further along this journey that I never saw coming.  If that happens I will be at peace because after 63 years I had a chance to be who I am.  This journey, even now, has allowed me to understand who I am and to purge a lifetime of shame, denial and guilt.  I truly have none now.

I am transgender and I am not only OK with it, I am proud to admit it.

I believe that I have brought the best of both genders together to be a much better person and that is really great.

Thank you for letting me drag you through 54 pages of my self discovery.  I hope it has helped you has much as it has helped me.

We deserve it.

Hugs,

Emma

[GinaG]

So nice to read this.   Remember the motto?    Unashamed and proud.!

Never had to be dragged to follow this.  Your journey is compelling.  And such great posts from so many who share so much.   I too vowed no more denial.  I am on the right path. I have run marathons,  climbed big mountains.  Transition ?   Bring it on!

Ready to to dive into that pool, Moni!   I love swimming. 

Hugs

Gina

[HappyMoni]

Yeah, yeah, I'll be right back. I need to go talk to my friends. Yeah, just a few minutes. Go put some suntan lotion on and stare at the water a bit, okay?
 
Oh, sorry ladies, was getting busy... I mean I was kind of busy!  I thought of a very famous phrase that seems appropriate here. " There is nothing to fear but Kim herself!"  Well, something like that!

I think this is a very good thread Emma. It is your story, but it resonates with others. We have most excellent people on here. Hot lifeguards! Genuine laughter and tears! I am hoping when it is made into a movie that my part is played by Jessica Alba. She's a dead ringer for me. 

Gina, I welcome you into the water happily. You did like the teenage girl reference didn't you? Just give me first crack at Lars.  lol Or should I call him, 'Biff?'