My husband claims he's okay with it, but honestly there are lines over which I fear to step.
He didn't sign up for a same sex marriage, and he's taking it remarkably well all things considered but at the same time I get the distinct impression from small things he's said that he'd vastly prefer I presented as male but didn't fully transition medically.
He'd prefer I remained to a degree androgynous.
Maybe that's easier for him.
But it's difficult because there's your love for this person and your fear of losing them in conflict with this need to be comfortable in your own skin.
I suppose they say marriage is all about compromise, but the real knack is figuring out a compromise you're both happy enough with. Because if you're suffering for their benefit or vice versa, it's not really compromise is it?
I keep thinking how would I take it were roles reversed and honestly, my priority would be my beloved's safety. But then again, I AM pansexual and monosexuality confuses the heck outta me (as in, this idea that genitals or gender presentation would in any way stop you loving a person.) I accept that's how a lot of people are, but I still find it bewildering because it's not how my brain is wired up.
But it IS a big deal and it IS a big change.
We were walking down the highstreet yesterday and right now i'm pre T, just dressing full time in a more masculine manner which for a women isn't really that wierd these days, and husband put his arm around me and kissed my head as he often does and i was struck with a sad realisation. If I do present as more masculine, those tiny gesture of affection suddenly becomes potentially dangerous and that's heartbreaking.
Will he stop sliding an arm around my waist? Will he stop kissing my head?
Will he no longer feel comfortable doing so in public?
will the reality of me being more masculine be too much despite his claims of bisexuality and tolerance?
Because ultimately, it's very easy to SAY you'd be okay with something, quite another to actually live it.
I mean I LOVE the idea of growing a beard but I think that somehow threatens my husband's masculinity.
I've noticed since I came out he's begun to grow his facial hair out and proudly declared he'd grown more chest hair lol. Oh fragile masculity.
I mean i said to him "darling, no matter how hairy I get, you have one thing over me. You'll always have the bigger dick"
I think that appeased him a bit lol.
I admit though, i'm finding it harder and harder to present as feminine. I can get away with it sure, but it disappoints me at the same time because I have some really quite lovely female clothing I just feel SO awkward wearing now.
And I know that's stupid because omg man, clothing isn't gendered, cut it out.
It is difficult with a partner though, I got to bed wanting to excitedly talk about plans, transition, hrt and surgeries etc but my eagerness is too much and husband recoils. It's too much too fast, he panics. I see it in his eyes.
And then I feel like I shouldn't mention it.
it sucks.
I'm trying to be understanding, trying to take it slow, trying to be considerate but it's SO HARD.
Oh ladies, it's so so hard.
