It's 4am here. I woke up to go pee and can't fall asleep again. I lay here enjoying the feeling of the soft sheets on my smooth skin. HRT has done wonders for my body. My body hair has thinned significantly, it grows much much slower. My skin is so smooth! I'm getting curves and boobs!
And yet, I lay here doubting what I'm doing. This is something I have wanted all my life. Something I have dreamed of or wished for, for as long as I can remember. And yet I doubt. Is it because of my religious upbringing I wonder? Is it me subconsciously telling myself this is wrong because of those religious beliefs? I thought I had settled that line of thought within myself months ago. I don't feel guilt, remorse or shame for what I am. I believe I was just born this way.
Maybe it's just fear. I am afraid of rejection and being alone, but then again I've been alone most of my life. I was bullied throughout junior high due to being short and overweight. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I had a growth spurt and for a few short years felt ok with the size of my body if not the shape. I had a LOT of girlfriends in high school. I'm not sure why, but I didn't keep a GF more than a few weeks. There were just so many to choose from. I had to catch them all!
It wasn't until the very end of my senior year that I actually really fell in love with someone. Or maybe it was just lust, or some combination of the two. I dated her for one month shy of a year. Then she cheated on me. It broke me. It hurt me deeply. Not just because of the cheating. It was because of the lies she told about me afterward. It was because her brother was my best friend at the time and he believed her lies. It was because her dad was the pastor at our church and he believed her lies too. It was because my parents stayed at that church and I felt betrayed by them for not leaving. I felt like I lost everything in one fell swoop. It was like the executioner's axe fell that day and cleaved everything I loved from my life. It devastated me.
Our brains are funny things. All of that was how I felt then. The reality was something different. I had cheated on her months before with her best friend. In her house. In her bed. What kind of person was I to do something like that to someone I loved? All she did was kiss her ex. I slept with her BFF in her bed. I was such a hypocrite for my thinking back then the way I did. That whole situation could have been avoided had i been faithful. Actions and consequences.... Who would have thought that something that seems so trivial would have such a profound impact on the rest of my life?
You see, after that I lost my swagger, my confidence. I lost the ability to tell someone that I really liked how I felt about them. I feared rejection. To this day I still deal with that. I haven't asked a woman out in years. It's just easier not to. I have dated since then. I had a few in my early 20s. But they were all married. I think I dated married women because i knew it wouldn't go anywhere. I knew how the relationship would end. I mean, they were already married and cheating with me so there was no way in hell I would ever get serious with them. Until I fell in love with Cristela that is., but even that love ended painfully.
I think now that what is holding me back from taking the plunge into full time womanhood is indeed fear. Yes, fear of being rejected by friends, family, society. Fear of not passing, not being woman enough. Fear of being mocked, ridiculed, assaulted or killed. Just because people don't understand why we are the way we are and they can't accept us or allow us to do what we need to do to live. To live...
Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness... unless you're transgender, or something else the world doesn't fully understand. Then you don't have those inalienable rights. No, you are deemed a degenerate, a pervert, a freak. You become something even the very worst of society looks down on. All because of ignorance and unwillingness to even try to understand us.
So yes, it is fear that causes my hesitation in living full time as a woman. My life experiences have eroded my confidence. Years of isolation and solitude have deprived me of the social skills needed to make a support group of friends to help me through this period in my life. Fear sucks. Now that I know what is holding me back, maybe I can deal with it. Maybe I can learn to move past it. Maybe I can conquer it. Time will tell.
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