A slow visual transition with others who do not know (yet) that you are mtf

[JaslineUK]

I suspect that some suspect as I've had long hair, long finger nails and I gesticulate lots when I talk. So I do have some feminine traits.

[ChrissyRyan]

I gesticulate a lot, naturally.

Chrissy

[Sam1066]

I tried a slow visual transformation of my face so that no one would notice as my beard went away but I kept my long hair. What actually happened was that no one noticed my beard getting shorter until it was just about gone, they only noticed when it went from almost gone to totally gone, then everyone still noticed all at once. It seems that there are some things for which there is a critical tipping point where everyone will notice as you cross a particular threshold, and be otherwise oblivious as you waffle about both sides.

[Linde]

I don't really know if a single mannerism of me indicated more femininity or not.  All my female friends (most of them were already friend when I still presented as male), told me that they always sensed that I was more woman than man, because of the emotional level I used to talk with them.  I did not have long hair (but no beard either), and dressed most of the time kind of androgynous, with a little leaning to the male side.  But I never dressed typical guy sloppy, and had always the right shoes in type and color for any outfit I had on.  Bu my voice was never real low, not high as a tenor, but also in the androgynous level.

It is interesting that none of them recognized the more obvious female things my body displayed (they later admitted that they should have seen those).  No Addams Apple, no hair on arms or legs, no receding hairline or bald spots, which is pretty unusual for a man of my age.  All these clear indicators went unrecognized, and it was the emotional level that outed me as a female to them.

[big kim]

I did a slow transition,I grew my hair out from a DA, had electrolysis while self medicating.I got away with it for 18 months or so, people asked me how come I was getting younger looking. I  had my hair dyed many different colours, blonde, red then black then red & permed but most people assumed it was because I was hanging round with the crowd from the punk & metal club

[StephanieIn2019]

Hi HappiMoni:
You talk quite a bit in your post (Reply #19) about what will be easiest on others. Sorry, but I'm much more concerned with what will be easiest on ME!! My therapist (Dr. Andjelka Stones, a specialist in trans matters, whom I found on this site!) recommended that I get myself as far along emotionally and physically as possible before telling the whole world. She said that a negative response at that moment can be devastating—and the happier I am with my presentation and with my decision when I encounter a tactless or intentionally cruel response, the better able I will be to withstand it. And I agree. Much more important than helping neighbors, co-workers, etc, digest the news. I believe that anyone who is going to stand by me is going to stand by me, regardless of how they find out. The decision to transition has at its core the belief, hard won by many of us, that we need to pay more attention to how we feel and less to how others feel, at least insofar as our own lives are concerned. So, we each need to choose our own path, without question; and this one may not be for everyone but it's definitely mine!!

[Allison S]

Hi HappiMoni:
You talk quite a bit in your post (Reply #19) about what will be easiest on others. Sorry, but I'm much more concerned with what will be easiest on ME!! My therapist (Dr. Andjelka Stones, a specialist in trans matters, whom I found on this site!) recommended that I get myself as far along emotionally and physically as possible before telling the whole world. She said that a negative response at that moment can be devastating—and the happier I am with my presentation and with my decision when I encounter a tactless or intentionally cruel response, the better able I will be to withstand it. And I agree. Much more important than helping neighbors, co-workers, etc, digest the news. I believe that anyone who is going to stand by me is going to stand by me, regardless of how they find out. The decision to transition has at its core the belief, hard won by many of us, that we need to pay more attention to how we feel and less to how others feel, at least insofar as our own lives are concerned. So, we each need to choose our own path, without question; and this one may not be for everyone but it's definitely mine!!

That's been my motto for the past 2 years almost.  How do I explain something I haven't lived, become and experienced? I just caught a high school friend up and although she did know I was transitioning, she didn't keep up. Realistically speaking, no one, unless they're immediate family can possibly keep up with a transgender persons transition. Peoples lives are just too busy. Gradually overtime they adjust little by little, but invest in yourself first and foremost. 

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[ChrissyRyan]

That's been my motto for the past 2 years almost.  How do I explain something I haven't lived, become and experienced? I just caught a high school friend up and although she did know I was transitioning, she didn't keep up. Realistically speaking, no one, unless they're immediate family can possibly keep up with a transgender persons transition. Peoples lives are just too busy. Gradually overtime they adjust little by little, but invest in yourself first and foremost. 

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Allison,

What you say about people being busy with their lives makes sense.  Unless the person who knows of your transitioning truly cares about your life and is very personally close to you, that person is just not involved much with your changes and new life.

That is likely true though whether you are transitioning or not, it is all about how much you both keep in touch with each other and how well that you both keep each other informed.  That is a mutual responsibility and interest relationship.  The other person has to do his or her part to keep that level of interest up.  She or he has got to want to do that as do you.

Chrissy

[Linde]

I came out to my closest friends and family while I was still presenting as male only.  They actually helped me along during my transition.
My therapist gave me homework to do, to get "hardened" for fail situations.  The toughest part was, she wanted me to go bra and female underwear shopping in several stores while presenting as male.
I almost s*** into my own underwear ,prior to entering the first store for this kind of shopping.  And to my surprise, hardly anybody cared, some older ladies looked a little funny at me, but that lasted only a second or two, and they went back to their own shopping.  The second store was way easier, and when I went into the third store, I could care less what others thought about me.
The next hurdle was bathrooms, I hardly drank anything prior to going out, because I was scared t death to go into the ladies room.  And nobody there killed me either.
e were out last night, and i had to go to the bathroom, and all stalls were occupied, and two other women, also waiting, and I had a nice chat about the event going on in town.  Going to the ladies room is as norml for me now, as going to the mens room used to be.

[Gamergirl]

Hey Chrissy !

I tried to come out to my mom when I was 13 but it tragically wasn't taken seriously. When I was 25 I mentioned it again, and, through many reasons, was talked out of transitioning. Little did I know it started a pressure in me that almost led to offing myself 5 years later. 

At that moment I knew I was on my own and had to make an unpopular decision.. or else. So.. The hammer of near-suicide striking the pressure that was built up sort of led to quite a coming out to every possible person I knew, starting with those who I figured would back me.. and working my way outward. The momentum of people being happy for me,coupled with telling them about it a little better each time, coupled with the fact that my lifelong dark secret was getting exposed to light.. Just accentuated the faster-than-light experience.

Lost some friends. Improved the quality of those that remained.  Mom went through phases of denial, self blame, weird conclusions, acceptance but embarrassed, to neutral, to.. Going shopping with her daughter as a girls night out. Just have to give her time, have tons of patience, and help clarify and correct her rational as the realization settles in.

[NatalieRene]

Today HappyMoni  said in another topic, "Have you considered a slow visual transition with your mother? "


I wonder if that slow visual transition (without direct self-outing of your mtf status beforehand) would work with most people you have not said anything to about your transition, would it soften any potential shock for them?  You could be more outwardly female in a variety of ways over time.  If they notice, perhaps it opens up a path to a frank conversation on their own timetable, providing you can wait potentially that long to talk about it.

But going cold turkey, get the outing done and over with, perhaps that is just as good or better?  Maybe you have your own timetable and you just feel that you should not hold this life change in any longer. 

What do you all think?

Chrissy

Sorry to chime in so late. I found that at work while transitioning that the guys where clueless and the woman looked at me strange. However I still shocked all of them when I came out even with 9 months of changes. Mostly because presentation, body language and speech mannerisms make a huge difference and having perfected my mask even with the truth right there they still stayed inside the box that is their expected reality.

Interestingly enough it got to the point where they where correcting waiters at lunch when I got mammed before they heard me speak.

I think this is probably like the cooking a live frog scenario where going slowly actually makes it more of a shock.