Having doubts

[Kacchon]

RecentIy I have been having doubts as to whether I really am experiencing gender dysphoria or whether it is something else and I may have latched onto the possibility of being nonbinary because it was the only explanation I could find at the time.

I have a lot of issues with my secondary characterisitics, having periods made me want to rip out my insides and my moods would get so bad that I would want to kill myself, my mum had to take me to the GP because I would spend hours sobbing on the floor telling her I was disgusting and dirty. I hated anything sexual about my body and through all the years of therapy I've had, the question I was asked the most often was 'were you sexually abused?' but I have no recollection of such a thing happening to me (although I have experienced many other forms of trauma in the past and I'm aware that I don't remember all of them). All the questioning made me start to doubt my own memories so when my transgender friend mentioned asexuality and nonbinary gender identity I feel like I clung to the idea because it made me feel better having some kind of explanation for my feelings. My gp helped me to find a contraceptive pill that completely stopped my periods and I keep my weight purposely low to stop my chest growing, so now the majority of the distress I was experiencing with my body has dissipated. They only seem to resurface around the topic of sex or when I am at a higher body weight. I feel like rather than an issue with gender this is more of an issue with sex. I know I am terrified of sex and that my eating problems got worse during puberty. The lower my weight the less powerful these feelings are so I know it is feeding into my anorexia yet I've genuinely been feeling more comfortable in my body lately.

Unfortunately, I now feel guilty because my GP has put in a referral to a GIC and the waiting list is so long that I feel like I'll be taking up time that could be used for someone who really needs it, yet at the same time, I've been on the list for a year and a half already so it seems like a waste not to go when my appointment finally comes through. I would also like to find out why I experience these distressing feelings and other than this clinic I really don't know where else to try.

My GP thinks it is important I still go but I can't help feeling guilty, I feel like a fraud for telling people I'm nonbinary when I'm not really sure anymore.

I'm sorry this got very long, I am just feeling very confused at the moment and I'm not sure what the right thing to do is.

[KathyLauren]

I can't tell you what you are.  The fact that you are unsure means that you should keep your appointment when it comes up.  Plus, having waited a year and a half already, you wouldn't want to start again at the bottom of the list if you later decide to go that route after all.

I feel like I'll be taking up time that could be used for someone who really needs it,

Honey, you are someone who really needs it.  You need to talk to a gender therapist, even if you have talked to other therapists before.  Someone who has experience with gender issues will be in a better position to help you sort this out.  If, after talking to them, you decide that you do not have gender dysphoria, that there is something else going on, then you will be more sure of your course of action.

[Dena]

There is nothing wrong with having doubts. The requirements of therapy, hormones and living as the opposite gender are intended to give you an opportunity to explore your feeling before irreversible surgery is preformed. GIC could be an important part of exploring your feelings so you should keep your appointment. If you feel it's wrong for you after a few appointments, you can stop but you will have a better idea what still needs to be explored. Keep an open mind because things do change when you exploring your feelings.

[Artistic_Gene]

All the questioning made me start to doubt my own memories so when my transgender friend mentioned asexuality and nonbinary gender identity I feel like I clung to the idea because it made me feel better having some kind of explanation for my feelings.

I remember I felt that way about being binary. I just clung to the idea that I was binary trans because it felt like it explained my feelings close enough and I needed answers. I then really started to think on it and realized any binary feelings I thought I had were affectations caused by what others told me I was supposed to interpret about my feelings that I didn't listen to my own. When I finally did stop listening to others and processed gender with just myself and my therapist, I found out I was actually nonbinary. My feelings about the wrongness of my body were mostly exasperated by the fact it was the only side people could see, so I felt I had to do an over-correct, in a sense.

I've been settling into myself more and more these days and still speak to gender therapists about my feelings from time to time, whenever things are the worst for me. I think it would be a good idea to still speak to the therapist and get another experienced voice speaking on the matter while considering whether or not your feelings are indeed based on a sexual or gender identity.

And you are worth going to the therapist for. You are exactly who they are there to help

[Angela H]

I wouldn't feel guilty about making the waiting list longer for other people. Either you actually need the therapy in which case it's important for you to go, or you don't need the therapy and you probably will only need a couple sessions to figure that out, so it's not like you'll waste much of their time.