Coming out to my SO

[Tj87]

Hi I am new here and need a little help.
I am a "man" who struggles to find the real me.
I am going to sexual therapy an she thinks I am a in between person.
It's ok to be a man in most situation but I have girl inside me that wants to come out.
I am engaged with a lovely woman and loves her to bits.
We have two lovely children one boy(5) and a girl(3,5) and a third coming this summer.

So here's the thing.
I have known about this sins I was about 11 but as Manny others I have hidden it away Depp inside me.
And this summer I couldn't Handel it any more.
I vent to the doctor and said I needed to talk to someone.
An it took almost 6 months to get in but now I have started.
I have been there twice now and she thinks I have to come out too her.

I have two friends at work that know of this.
Thay are very accepting and helpful too and I can trust them.

My SO knows some stuff like that I use a epilator under my armpits and uses wax down there, I like leggings instead of baggy sweatpants. And that I like to where thongs.
And she accepts that.
She think I am at therapy for (hitting the wall) mental breakdown.

This is the woman I want to get old with and loves.

Do I come out too her. Or should I stay in?
And how do I tell her?

I don't want the relationship to end because of this but I need to be me too.

Sorry for the bad English I am from norway

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Tj87!

Welcome to Susan's Place.

Coming out to one's spouse is one of the hardest things that we have to do in this journey.  But secrets are the bane of relationships, and I think you owe it to your wife to tell her what is going on.  If you don't yet know whether you will transition or how much you will transition, you should still tell her what you are feeling and what treatment you are getting or plan to get.

The sooner you tell her, the less painful it will be for both of you.  Many partners can accept a transgender spouse, but holding it secret for any length of time is seen as a betrayal.

There is no easy way to break the news.  I wish you good luck with it.  I am sure many members here will have suggestions.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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[Tj87]

Thank you Kathylauren for the feedback
Yes I know I have to tell her but I am afraid of losing her and the kids.
Is there someone here with som similar scenarios?
All feedback are welcomed.
My head is spinning and I am afraid I will say some stupid things and she gets scared and run.
I say to myself that I have to talk to her first in the new year.
After all the family party's and celebrations.
Any tips on what to say an how?

[KathyLauren]

Well we didn't have the complication of kids, but of course I had to come out to my wife, a couple of years ago.  It went something like this:

Me: "I have something important to tell you.  It is difficult for me to talk about it because I don't know how you will take it."  [Rather than dive right in, this gives her a heads-up that it's not going to be the weather we are talking about.]

Her: "What is it?"
Me: "I am pretty sure I am transgender."  [Not beating about the bush.  Leaving a little wiggle room ("pretty sure") to soften it, even though I pretty much knew for sure.]

Her: "Why do you think so?"  [Logical, expected question.]
Me: "All my life I have wished I was a woman."  [Have your answer ready.]

Her: "What are you going to do?"  [A loaded question!  She is really asking if I plan to leave her.]
Me: "I don't know.  I know that I have no intention of leaving you. I guess the next step would be to see a gender therapist."  [I expected the question, and had my answer ready.  I knew it was important to get the not-leaving information in early in the conversation, to reassure her natural fears.]

Her: "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" [Another expected question.  If there is going to be anger, this is the one that will do it.]
Me: "Because, all my life I was in denial about it.  I really thought it couldn't be true.  Now, I think it is true."

Obviously, you will have to plan the conversation with your spouse in mind.  Her reactions may not be the same as my wife's.  As you can see, there were several questions I was sure she would ask, and some information I wanted to get out there early in the conversation, whether she asked or not.  You should do similar homework bearing in mind your own situation.

P.S.  My wife is still with me, and is my biggest supporter.

[HappyMoni]

Great advice Kathy! I would offer one alternative possibility. You might consider telling her that you are struggling with your gender rather than saying you are transgender. My feeling is that it is more inviting for her to be in your process of discovery and not saying, "I already have this all set in my mind (and that process didn't include you.) If you are fearful of her leaving or being angry, the more opportunity she has to be at the ground floor of your discovery, the less she will feel left out. Just a thought. Kathy is right to have a plan going in to anticipate questions.
Only you can decide if you want to come out to her. You gender feelings will not disappear though.
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Great advice Kathy! I would offer one alternative possibility. You might consider telling her that you are struggling with your gender rather than saying you are transgender. My feeling is that it is more inviting for her to be in your process of discovery and not saying, "I already have this all set in my mind (and that process didn't include you.) If you are fearful of her leaving or being angry, the more opportunity she has to be at the ground floor of your discovery, the less she will feel left out. Just a thought. Kathy is right to have a plan going in to anticipate questions.
Only you can decide if you want to come out to her. You gender feelings will not disappear though.
Moni

That is an excellent approach, Moni.  It would soften the blow considerably, if it works in a particular person's situation.

I knew in my case that my wife's main sticking point would be honesty.  I was in no doubt that I was trans at that point.  To say that I was "exploring" would have been a lie, and I am a terrible liar.  I didn't think I could get away with both that and the "I was in denial" bit.  Even though the latter was true, I was not sure she would believe me.  My "pretty sure" was about as far as I could stretch it.

As I said, Tj87, you will have to adapt the conversation to your own circumstances.  I hope that, by giving you the thought processes behind my answers, and by reading other people's approaches to this conversation, you will get an idea of the kinds of things to consider.

[Linde]

Tj87.  If you want to stay with your wife, please tell her, if she loves you, she will understand.

Don't make the mistake I made by not telling my wife, util I was so angry that i caused our decades long marriage to explode and end in a divorce!  I am good friends with my ex now, and she told me that if I would have told ehr, we could have found a way to safe the marriage! 
I missed the boot big time, don't make the same mistake I made!

[Tj87]

Thanks again so grateful
I think I have to write something down on a paper and practice.
Because I think I have to tell it to her smoothly.
I love my family so, so if i mess it up I would be devastated.
The thing is that I do not know what I want to do or be.
I am very manly and have this deep voice.
But i love to be a woman an feel feminin.
If I was 14 now I would have started on T-blockers now.
But I am not and I want a normal life where I can go about my days without people stearing at me and pointing.

My job to.
I work as a technician/janitor at a waterpark/sportsarena/school.
And my boss is my father-in-law
So it effects so much.

If could have switched I would have done it in a flash, but it ain't so.
Here in Norway you have to take the real life test for one year before I can get hormones.
If I get them at all. I have to convince the doctors that I am a woman.
It's a man or woman thing here if I am going to get on the healthcare plan.
Thanks again for all the suport
I love you all

[cluck1992]

if she loves you, she will understand.

I too, thought it should be that simple... But it's not  ..  I'm still struggling with my SO to come to terms with it.

OP like you I have a family that I love and a home that are on the table. I do know if I hadn't let this information out to her back when I did almost a year ago, I probably would have lost my mind and not be here today.

It is such a tough conversation, and the advice I can give you is when she seems like she's getting angry or that losing everything is in the near future, stick to the plan and don't back peddle. I went from being "pretty sure" (which was a soft way for me to tell her I'm sure) to then telling her I'm confused because I'm so afraid of losing her and the kids. Doing that is almost as bad as not telling her in the first place because then you'll feel stuck where moving forward you lose them, not moving forward you lose yourself.... you'll have to take the risk at some point just as I will. Good luck and keep us updated.
Hugs

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[Linde]

I too, thought it should be that simple... But it's not  ..  I'm still struggling with my SO to come to terms with it.

OP like you I have a family that I love and a home that are on the table. I do know if I hadn't let this information out to her back when I did almost a year ago, I probably would have lost my mind and not be here today.

It is such a tough conversation, and the advice I can give you is when she seems like she's getting angry or that losing everything is in the near future, stick to the plan and don't back peddle. I went from being "pretty sure" (which was a soft way for me to tell her I'm sure) to then telling her I'm confused because I'm so afraid of losing her and the kids. Doing that is almost as bad as not telling her in the first place because then you'll feel stuck where moving forward you lose them, not moving forward you lose yourself.... you'll have to take the risk at some point just as I will. Good luck and keep us updated.
Hugs

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk

I don't know, what is best.  I lost everything, a marriage of about 36 years, and my house.  I am alone, very alone now.  I have lots of friends, but at night, I sit alone in my house!  I still love my wife a lot, she was and is the love of my life, and I blew it!

If I would have to do I over again, I would rather stay nicely locked away in a closet, if that would have saved my marriage!

[Tj87]

It is like Lind's experience that I fear.
She has a job as a school nurse and is a fully understanding person.
But when it comes to me being a trans woman and she is going to be a lesbian, I don't know if she can handel that.
And when the sexologist says I should tell her, I feel a little pressured to tell her even when i don't know what i am.

I can manage to be a man.
But I dream of being a woman and I feel complete an calm as a woman.
I do not have to badly dysphoria but i do not like what I have in my pants to the point that i hide it when its posible.
There is somthing missing on my chest too.

I am now trying to grow out the hair and I swim 2-3km twice a week to get in better shape.
In short, I try to get my life in place for a change.
I just don't know yet to what.
It is so frustrating and very scary to make such a big change.
If i could just have blocked the testostorone for a time period to see if that helped.
But then i cant go the healthcare way after.
The are not willing to take on people that have started on hormones befor they come in.
They are afraid they cant see the real you.

Sending out hugs to all

[Linde]

I do not have to badly dysphoria but i do not like what ........
There is somthing missing on my chest too.


Sending out hugs to all

I am the moderator of a German Trans Forum, and there is a member who dos not want to take hormone either, because of some changes she does not want to happen.
She very successfully got a decent breast size by using vacuum cups to initiate breast growth.  The applied vacuum stretches the skin and causes increased blood flow, which in turn, causes breast tissue to grow.

Her next goal is to initiate lactation with her breasts, without taking any exta hormones.

You might see this as a possible alternative?

[Tj87]

Wow is that possible to do?
And to get lactation too?

I think if I find out that I want to transition I will go with hormones.
But using a breast pump to speed up the process I will certainly look in too.

I just don't know if I dear to transition.
When I still don't now how I feel.
And that is the reason why I don't know if I should tell her yet.
It is the testosterone that messes everything up I think maybe I can be me just without it.
I don't know.
I like to put on makeup and dresses an thight pants.
I have a safe in the house where all my clothes at hiding.

How do you know?
And when does things feel right?
Is there something I can ask my therapist?
Something that is smart to work on?

Hugs

[Linde]

Wow is that possible to do?
And to get lactation too?

Yes, men have all the same tissue and stuff what women have, it just has to be stimulated!

I think if I find out that I want to transition I will go with hormones.
But using a breast pump to speed up the process I will certainly look in too.

I just don't know if I dear to transition.
When I still don't now how I feel.
And that is the reason why I don't know if I should tell her yet.
It is the testosterone that messes everything up I think maybe I can be me just without it.
I don't know.
I like to put on makeup and dresses an thight pants.
I have a safe in the house where all my clothes at hiding.

How do you know?
And when does things feel right?
Is there something I can ask my therapist?
Something that is smart to work on?

Hugs

i think you should be open with your therapist, and she/he can help you to work through all of that.  It is their profession to do those things, use their knowledge to your advantage!

[Tj87]

Thank you all for the wonderful help
I would like to wish you all a happy New year
And look forwards to talk to you all in 2019

Hugs
Tiril

[Swedishgirl96]

If i could just have blocked the testostorone for a time period to see if that helped.
But then i cant go the healthcare way after.
The are not willing to take on people that have started on hormones befor they come in.
They are afraid they cant see the real you.

You should not experiment with these things yourself. But that is quite extreme that they don't receive people who self medicate. Sounds very old fashioned. What do they think these people will do after getting rejected? Terrible!

Here in Norway you have to take the real life test for one year before I can get hormones.
If I get them at all. I have to convince the doctors that I am a woman.
It's a man or woman thing here if I am going to get on the healthcare plan.

They seem to be very conservative in Norway.
Are you sure about these statements? Have you actually talked with a doctor about this?
Are there more than one gender identity in Norway? Are there any difference between them?

We have a couple of gender identity clinics in Sweden and as a Swede I can choose any of those. I just have to travel. And here the criteria to get treatment, including hormones, are a diagnosis. Then you begin your RLE when you feel ready. You as a patient have a lot of influence on your gender affirming care here.

And happy new year!
Wish you a great 2019!

[Tj87]

Hi I take this in Norwegian maybe you can help me better write it so the others can understand it.

Her I Norge er det kun en behandler som er statlig.
Det er Rikshospitalet.
Det jeg mente var det fins andre private leger som kan gi deg hormoner og hjelp.
Men da kommer alle kostnadene til meg og blir veldig dyrt.
Det jeg mente var at hvis jeg prøver å spiro eller andre testosteron blokkere fra private klinikker eller hormoner nekter Rikshospitalet ( skal staten) å ta meg inn som pasient.
Dette fordi de mener de ikke kan finne ut av utgangspunktet ditt og vet derfor ikke om dette er noe du virkelig vil gjøre.
Hvis jeg går til Rikshospitalet først må jeg ha hvert hos psykolog eller lege først.
For så å bli tatt inn til intervju og tester som som regel tar 1-2 år.
De ønsker da at du samtidig lever som det motsatte kjønn(real life test).
Og har du noen som helst tvil nekter de å behandle deg.
Det har hvert mye diskusjon om dette i media og lgbt miljøet i Norge jobber for å få senket kravene.
Hvis du skal ha hormoner og skifte kjønn og identitet er det all or nothing.
Ingen ting i mellom.
Har hørt at det er ca 70 80 personer hos Rikshospitalet i året og det er 4-5 personer som får diagnosen. Mange får avslag.

Så i Sverige er det nok litt bedre kan du si.

[cluck1992]

While I don't speak your native language, until someone else does a better translation I feel Google did pretty good.

Here are the results

"Here in Norway, only one therapist is state-owned.

It is the National Hospital.

What I meant was other private doctors who can give you hormones and help.

But then all the costs come to me and become very expensive.

What I thought was that if I try to spiro or other testosterone blockers from private clinics or hormones, Rikshospitalet refuses (state) to take me in as a patient.

This is because they believe they cannot figure out your starting point and therefore do not know if this is something you really want to do.

If I go to Rikshospitalet first I must have each with a psychologist or doctor first.

In order to be interviewed and tested, which usually takes 1-2 years.

They then want you to live as the opposite sex (real life test).

And if you have any doubts, they refuse to treat you.

There is a lot of discussion about this in the media and the lgbt environment in Norway is working to lower the requirements.

If you are going to have hormones and change your gender and identity, it's all or nothing.

No thing in between.

Have heard that there are about 70 80 people at Rikshospitalet in the year and there are 4-5 people who get the diagnosis. Many get rejected.

So in Sweden it's probably a little better you can say"

Hope that helped!
Hugs



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[Tj87]

Yes cluck1992 if that makes anny sens?
Thanks

[Swedishgirl96]

Hi I take this in Norwegian maybe you can help me better write it so the others can understand it.

Her I Norge er det kun en behandler som er statlig.
Det er Rikshospitalet.
Det jeg mente var det fins andre private leger som kan gi deg hormoner og hjelp.
Men da kommer alle kostnadene til meg og blir veldig dyrt.
Det jeg mente var at hvis jeg prøver å spiro eller andre testosteron blokkere fra private klinikker eller hormoner nekter Rikshospitalet ( skal staten) å ta meg inn som pasient.
Dette fordi de mener de ikke kan finne ut av utgangspunktet ditt og vet derfor ikke om dette er noe du virkelig vil gjøre.
Hvis jeg går til Rikshospitalet først må jeg ha hvert hos psykolog eller lege først.
For så å bli tatt inn til intervju og tester som som regel tar 1-2 år.
De ønsker da at du samtidig lever som det motsatte kjønn(real life test).
Og har du noen som helst tvil nekter de å behandle deg.
Det har hvert mye diskusjon om dette i media og lgbt miljøet i Norge jobber for å få senket kravene.
Hvis du skal ha hormoner og skifte kjønn og identitet er det all or nothing.
Ingen ting i mellom.
Har hørt at det er ca 70 80 personer hos Rikshospitalet i året og det er 4-5 personer som får diagnosen. Mange får avslag.

Så i Sverige er det nok litt bedre kan du si.

Oh my god! I thought your health system in Norway was better than ours. Now I know better. I have described and translated it as I have understood it.

Alright so basically you have one gender identity clinic in Norway. That is the major hospital in Oslo (Rikshospitalet) and its provided by the government. But then you some how have small private clinics that can prescribe hormones but can't give you any other treatment? And if you choose to use these clinics your application for the gender identity clinic in Oslo gets denied. Because they don't know your "starting position".
And in order to get gender affirming treatment from Rikshospitalet you first need a referral from a doctor or a psychologist.
Then comes the stage where the team at the hospital will make a medical assessment with you, it lasts for 1 to 2 years and involves a lot of interviews and tests. The team want you to live as your experienced gender trough out this time.
If you have any kind of doubt they will deny you any further treatment.
This has caused a lot of discussions in the Norwegian media and the lgbtq community work hard for things to change.
If you want any gender affirming treatment it is "all or nothing".
You must have a binary gender identity as far as I understand it.
Out of 70 to 80 persons 4 to 5 gets a diagnosis. A lot of people get denied.

What I would like to know is where have you gotten this information? Is it from the clinic or the health system? Is it from the media? Gossip? It's horrible reading and it brakes my heart.

I want to share some webpages with you that are in Swedish. They are produced by the Swedish health care system and are quite good and describe things very pedagogical. Just a tip and description how things work across the border. My medical assessment took around 4 months. Our big problem are the waiting time for the first visit at a gender identity clinic. But the government is giving the health care more and more resources so I hope it will get better. When one have had a first appointment things can go quite fast here.

https://www.1177.se/Skane/Tema/Sex-och-relationer/Sexuell-laggning---homo-bi-och-hetero/Konsidentitet-och-konsuttryck/

https://www.1177.se/Skane/Tema/Sex-och-relationer/Sexuell-laggning---homo-bi-och-hetero/Konsdysfori/