Coming out in a professional environment? Help!

[BlueJaye]

I am wondering if anyone can share their experiences coming out in a professional environment. I do capital equipment sales (industrial laser equipment). It's male dominated, and my client base is primarily male. As MTF I am concerned about not only how I would be perceived as a woman (even if they all thought I was cis) but also the coming out and transition process.

Did anyone else go through something like this, and what was it like?

[CindyLouFromCO]

Yeah, when I lived in Iowa working for IBM doing IT.  Very male dominated industry.  However it's also more liberal than most male dominated industries.  But not so much in the Midwest.

I would not worry about male or female so much.  Also if your co workers know you already and you come out as a female one day at work then they will probably know you are not cis.  Also most will not even know what cis is.

I just came in as Cindy one day at work.  Shocked everyone.  I did not care.  I also knew that if I "warned or told HR" that I could have a problem before I came out.  I also know the Iowa laws and IBM policy.  They could not touch me no matter what for being myself.

So on day one I walked in, sent a email to HR telling them that I will from now on go by Cindy and my pronouns are She her.

After that I got up, walked over to my boss's desk and told him the same and I let him know I informed HR.

I then changed all of my legal documents and sent that to HR in the weeks after coming out.

There were a few gasps and stares.  Everyone seemed to be walking on Eggshells around me.  After a few months everything got back to normal.  I was promoted, and hired by another manager.

All I can say is do it.  If you "warn" them who knows what could happen.  If you just come in as your true self they can't fire you.  It would look really bad. 

You have to do what makes you comfortable though.  I wanted to live my life as me and was done pretending to be a guy.  I could not waste anymore of my life away.

Good luck! 

[anna.changing]

Wow CindyLou

That is so courageous. I am quite a wee way away from coming out at work, but your post is so inspiring.


Did you look as great on your first day as your avatar pic?


Hugs
Anna

[Maid Marion]

My guess is that the #meetoo or sexual harassment movement has helped by making companies create policies that include what to do for the LGBTQ population.

What it doesn't help with is if you have a customer base that includes retirees, older guys that are out of the work force.  But I think that won't be an issue for you.

[CindyLouFromCO]

Wow CindyLou

That is so courageous. I am quite a wee way away from coming out at work, but your post is so inspiring.


Did you look as great on your first day as your avatar pic?


Hugs
Anna

Thank you!  Not at all.  I was not even doing HRT at the time.  I just could not take it anymore and started living my life as my true self.  I actually wore a wig the first 6 months after coming out.  I looked totally different then I do now.  I don't even recognize my own or self anymore.

I thought about doing the transition in boy mode but either way I was going to shock people coming out one day.  Doing it the way I did guaranteed myself employment for at least a few years to help my transition.  If I would have hidden it and someone found out then rumors could start that turn into I'm a dragon that eats baby's heads for breakfast.

In the end it worked out great and my co workers got to see my transition.  I guess i educated my office and everyone became accepting and respectful.  At least to my face.  I'm sure there was some that had things to say behind my back.  I talked about some co workers behind their backs also.  Whatever, it's work.  Not everyone is going to like each other for whatever reason.  As long as everyone respects each other I don't care.

[Karen]

I am wondering if anyone can share their experiences coming out in a professional environment. I do capital equipment sales (industrial laser equipment). It's male dominated, and my client base is primarily male. As MTF I am concerned about not only how I would be perceived as a woman (even if they all thought I was cis) but also the coming out and transition process.

Did anyone else go through something like this, and what was it like?

Check out Charlie Martin on Facebook or the web.   She was or is in industrial equipment sales and has transitioned over the last several years.   He is also a race car driver.   She's is also quite inspiring.   

Karen

[Wendi]

Yeah, when I lived in Iowa working for IBM doing IT.  Very male dominated industry.  However it's also more liberal than most male dominated industries.  But not so much in the Midwest.

I would not worry about male or female so much.  Also if your co workers know you already and you come out as a female one day at work then they will probably know you are not cis.  Also most will not even know what cis is.

I just came in as Cindy one day at work.  Shocked everyone.  I did not care.  I also knew that if I "warned or told HR" that I could have a problem before I came out.  I also know the Iowa laws and IBM policy.  They could not touch me no matter what for being myself.

So on day one I walked in, sent a email to HR telling them that I will from now on go by Cindy and my pronouns are She her.

After that I got up, walked over to my boss's desk and told him the same and I let him know I informed HR.

I then changed all of my legal documents and sent that to HR in the weeks after coming out.

There were a few gasps and stares.  Everyone seemed to be walking on Eggshells around me.  After a few months everything got back to normal.  I was promoted, and hired by another manager.

All I can say is do it.  If you "warn" them who knows what could happen.  If you just come in as your true self they can't fire you.  It would look really bad. 

You have to do what makes you comfortable though.  I wanted to live my life as me and was done pretending to be a guy.  I could not waste anymore of my life away.

Good luck!

That's a great story CindyLou. Congratulations on being so brave.

[Northern Star Girl]

I am wondering if anyone can share their experiences coming out in a professional environment. I do capital equipment sales (industrial laser equipment). It's male dominated, and my client base is primarily male. As MTF I am concerned about not only how I would be perceived as a woman (even if they all thought I was cis) but also the coming out and transition process.

Did anyone else go through something like this, and what was it like?

@BlueJaye
I am a CPA with an MBA and my business handles tax, payroll and financial advising work for various commercial and personal accounts. 
I dress respectfully, modestly and act responsibly as well and knowing very well my field.   My clients respect my opinions and decisions and come back year after year or more often.

I kinda "cheated" by starting my own small business as a full-time woman.  So many (but not all) of my clients are not aware of my trans status.   I don't have worries about co-workers, company policies, and bosses reactions to me being trans.

I believe that the key to success for me besides knowing very well my business was to fly under the radar and try to fit in with my appearance, attitude and actions as a woman without flaunting my trans-woman status.
Danielle

[Michelle_P]

I was doing consulting work, and doing technical training.  I was also president of a community service organization.  I put together a letter that I sent out, and at the first meeting after I was out, had my vice-president chair the community service organization meeting (so I wouldn't derail the business meeting) and pass out copies of my letter.  I attended the next meeting, which was the holiday party the organization held, without any drama or issues raised.

My Coming-Out Letter

Note that the medical issues in that letter are mine.  I suggest that if someone takes this path, that they write their own short letter around their own issues and needs.  Keep it short and simple!

[sarah1972]

I am planning and implementing enterprise software in the media industry. Admittedly, this makes it a bit easier since most customers are very understanding and open.

I had talked to my key customers before even officially announcing my transition at work, so they knew what was coming. They all reacted great and I started to get included in LGBTQ activities at customers while I was on site.

I had one customer I was worried about (very conservative church). The folks working there are all awesome about my transition and respect my name and pronoun. I still don't think I would do another project with them even though they get more open in recent years.

I was also aware that my step would exclude me from some of our largest projects since they are in the middle east and currently I don't feel it would be safe to travel there for me.

All worked out well, the only person at work who stopped talking to me is not a big loss and my life got a lot quieter since. I should have known earlier what stops him.

I can see that industrial machines may be a bit different than what I went through but I wish you good luck and hope everything works out.

Hugs,

Sarah

[HollyKay]

Hi BlueJaye,

That is a thought provoking question.  I have worked for three top 100 companies in the country. They have been a mixed bag with regards to how they handle trans specific workplace policies.  I left the first company to work for another company where I made a lot more money. I had my own office, company credit card, benefits, and pension plan that were amazing, and flew around the country for work.  I came out to my boss, and five days later, I had no job. 

Move onto the next company.  I had transitioned, have "passing privilege", and again, in a top 100 company.  I had a boss that treated me very poorly, and coworkers who started to misgender me.  I found out that my information on file for HR had been leaked, and that's how that went down. I was then openly harassed and discriminated against for being transgender. The Chief HR Officer had told my boss who was a transphobe, and he in turn disseminated this to other colleagues. A short time later, I was let go, "without prejudice".  Only this time I was wiser. I settled out of court for a large sum of money, with the addition of anti-discrimination and anti-harassment policies that are second to none that I have ever seen.   

My point is that it doesn't matter what you do for a living, or how well you "pass".  It is all about the people you work for, and the rules that they have in place for employee protection.  I wish that I could say that my experience was positive, but it wasn't. Ultimately, you must stand your ground, and be the happiest you that you can.  You know your industry, and you know your colleagues and clients. Just remember that a company's shareholder equity is severely compromised by discrimination and by the libel actions of its employees. In short, it's really bad for business to discriminate. You be you, because that is the best person to be!

[Cindy]

I came out as a Pathologist (Science) in a major teaching hospital and Head of Department in 4 hospitals. I  am also a University Academic with several PhD students.
It wasn't until I retired that I got the story of my impact. I thought I was coming out slowly but that was seen through straight away and the background gossip was '"What is going on with Prof?" 'I wonder if they are TG?' etc. No one raised it with me directly.

After I went full time it was just accepted. There were a couple of colleagues who couldn't deal with it and never talked to me. Again I got the story after I retired that they were told directly that if they had an issue then it was their issue and it was up to them to deal with their issues. They largely ended up being ostracised.

I did learn that one colleague addressed their Department and said that if any one had any problems with Cindy then they could come and talk to her about any issues before she fired them.

I was a little shocked by this but she explained that it was a straight out call that if someone was a bigot, then they were not wanted in her Department.

Yes I was in a powerful position but I was also in a precarious place in that I could easily have been undermined and grants and support etc withdrawn quite subtly. That never happened.

I was very quickly asked to represent LGBTIQA staff and students on Executive committees. I was, to my surprise, sent personal requests by colleagues, students and staff who had questions about their own gender or sexuality or to help with a student who needed someone to talk to. I was honoured to help.

In retrospect - that great insight of wisdom. I probably did it OK, maybe I should have come out quicker. However I was frightened and I was worried. I know of no way to overcome that fear.

I was accepted and supported by all of my female colleagues and fellow academics, and several female academics that I had never met contacted me to give me well wishes.
Male colleagues were far less demonstrative in showing support, however that I think is normal male behaviour. I was very quickly treated the same as all of their female medical colleagues! 

I am in South Australia, we have strong anti-discriminatory laws and the general population are easy going and accepting of all.

[Jessica_Rose]

I live near Colorado Springs, CO and work in IT for a large insurance company (36,000 employees). My official title is 'Senior Db2 Systems Engineer Lead'.

I started HRT on 23 March 2017. I came out to my manager on 11 Oct 2017 and contacted HR the same day. They allowed me to set the timetable and control communication. We had a team meeting on 16 Feb 2018, which is when I made my announcement. I also sent out an email to 65 co-workers titled 'I bet you never saw this coming!' I was right, no one knew beforehand except the few people I had told. The following Monday (19 Feb) Jessica went to work.

I had zero issues at work, and I even made a few new friends along the way. There are still occasional pronoun errors, which I find odd because everyone gets my name right. Overall it went very smoothly, and no bathroom concerns either. HR is currently helping me set up time off for my upcoming GCS.

[Megan.]

I work in the IT dept of a major multinational business in the UK.

We have strong and clear protections here in the UK on gender identity,  but my transition in role went very smoothly with very little fuss and a great deal of support from all my colleagues. Some colleagues were a little unsure how to approach me for a week or two, but things were back to normal in no time. An email was sent round my office two weeks before I changed my presentation, and I'd kept HR and my manager informed of my plans from very early on (months prior).

I've since applied and succeeded in internal role applications,  so there's not been any noticeable impact from it.

X

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[KathyLauren]

I am retired, but I was a member of a volunteer fire department when I transitioned socially.  I phoned the chief to give him a heads-up about what I was planning.  (You never want to blind-side potentially valuable allies.)  Then, at the monthly business meeting, when they called for any New Business, I raised my hand and told them.  Since then, I have presented as female (to the extend that one can in a firehall), used the women's washroom, etc..

I had a few issues with people using the wrong pronouns, but nothing malicious.  We had very good legal protection at the time, and I took the time to read the legislation to know what my rights were.  It very specifically said that it applied to "volunteer public service", which included fire departments, so I knew my rights if anything were to happen.  Nothing did.

It wasn't exactly a "professional environment", but it was a workplace.  My advice to anyone transitioning in a workplace is to know your rights, plan to have some allies, and then just do it.

[Zoey421]

I work in the IT dept of a major multinational business in the UK.

We have strong and clear protections here in the UK on gender identity,  but my transition in role went very smoothly with very little fuss and a great deal of support from all my colleagues. Some colleagues were a little unsure how to approach me for a week or two, but things were back to normal in no time. An email was sent round my office two weeks before I changed my presentation, and I'd kept HR and my manager informed of my plans from very early on (months prior).

I've since applied and succeeded in internal role applications,  so there's not been any noticeable impact from it.

X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Hi Megan, I am glad you had a smooth transition at work and succeeded in being selected for new positions after you transitioned. I think the biggest thing you mentioned was keeping your managers in the know and working with them to plan your introduction and transition at work. The fact that you worked with your managers and HR department for months must have made the transition at work much easier.

This is something for me to keep in mind. As the President and CEO for a federally registered charity in Canada, I think I need to move slowly on this front, nothwithstanding I am moving more quickly to present female where I live (I work remotely and from a "home" office - this has its benefits). So, I need to tell the Chairperson of the Board of Directors and I think she will be very understanding; she has been great to work with since I started in this role in October 2018.

Thank you for sharing.

Hugs Zoey xoxoxo

[Zoey421]

I came out as a Pathologist (Science) in a major teaching hospital and Head of Department in 4 hospitals. I  am also a University Academic with several PhD students.
It wasn't until I retired that I got the story of my impact. I thought I was coming out slowly but that was seen through straight away and the background gossip was '"What is going on with Prof?" 'I wonder if they are TG?' etc. No one raised it with me directly.

After I went full time it was just accepted. There were a couple of colleagues who couldn't deal with it and never talked to me. Again I got the story after I retired that they were told directly that if they had an issue then it was their issue and it was up to them to deal with their issues. They largely ended up being ostracised.

I did learn that one colleague addressed their Department and said that if any one had any problems with Cindy then they could come and talk to her about any issues before she fired them.

I was a little shocked by this but she explained that it was a straight out call that if someone was a bigot, then they were not wanted in her Department.

Yes I was in a powerful position but I was also in a precarious place in that I could easily have been undermined and grants and support etc withdrawn quite subtly. That never happened.

I was very quickly asked to represent LGBTIQA staff and students on Executive committees. I was, to my surprise, sent personal requests by colleagues, students and staff who had questions about their own gender or sexuality or to help with a student who needed someone to talk to. I was honoured to help.

In retrospect - that great insight of wisdom. I probably did it OK, maybe I should have come out quicker. However I was frightened and I was worried. I know of no way to overcome that fear.

I was accepted and supported by all of my female colleagues and fellow academics, and several female academics that I had never met contacted me to give me well wishes.
Male colleagues were far less demonstrative in showing support, however that I think is normal male behaviour. I was very quickly treated the same as all of their female medical colleagues! 

I am in South Australia, we have strong anti-discriminatory laws and the general population are easy going and accepting of all.

Thanks, Cindy, for telling your story about coming out in an academic and hospital environment. While I don't work for a large organization as you did, I do have a position of authority as President and CEO, so I am a little concerned about what people will think and how they will treat me. I have no doubt people will talk behind my back, but that is their issue, not mine. I just want to make sure I have the support of my Chairperson and the Board of Directors.

I love reading these inspiring stories like yours. Thank you for sharing.

Hugs Zoey xoxoxo

[Zoey421]

Just remember that a company's shareholder equity is severely compromised by discrimination and by the libel actions of its employees. In short, it's really bad for business to discriminate. You be you, because that is the best person to be!

Hi @HollyKay, I think your experience is important for everyone to read and what you say at the end of your post is good information. There are bigoted people everywhere and some of them have positions of authority. Hopefully, we have nurtured good relationships with our bosses and on the basis of this relationship we can trust the person to support us through our transition at work.

The business world in North America and Europe is far more in tune with LGBTQ+ rights these days and many governments, not all, have passed legislation to protect us. Bad press is bad for business and discrimination and harassment cases that go public have serious consequences for those companies, not to mention the leaders within those companies. We need to remember these points if we encounter issues.

More importantly, I love that you state "You be you, because that is the best person to be!" and is the best advice. I have to live with myself 24/7, 365 days a year, for the rest of my life. I better be the best person I can be and for me, that is accepting I'm a transgender woman.

This is a great thread and helpful for me as I consider how to come out at work.

Thank you, everyone, for sharing.

Hugs Zoey xoxoxo

[Jaime320]

Like Jessica and Megan I work in tech for a well known company. I haven't pulled the trigger, but have filled out the forms for HR. There's a transition plan in place, and a lgbt group to join as well. I can stay in role, or transfer within company. Typical anti-discrimination policies are adhered to. Everyone also has yearly required diversity and inclusivity training. Transition plan is typical For corporate I guess. I set timeline and dates working with HR. I go on leave if I wish. Meanwhile Email blast sent to area managers,  and brought up at various meetings. I come back and get a new badge etc.