POLL: Out and proud or stealth?

[sarahc]

As part of my transition, I'm going to be moving to a new community to get a fresh start on life. Given that path, I have some options about how open I am about being transgender. I'd love to know how other transgender folks let people know (or not) about being transgender. I gave four options but feel free to comment if none of the first four options apply to your situation. Also let me know if your communications strategy is working out for you.

Sarah

[christinej78]

Hi Sarah,                             30 March 2019

I'm Out, Proud and an Open Book. I tell anyone willing to listen that I am MTF Tran. I have found that most people I have encountered become even nicer than they initially were when I first encountered them.

Maybe I'm having too much fun at this but I am extremely proud of my life's choices and living the way the Good Lord intended, as a Transgender Woman.

Wishing every trans person a Happy and Healthy Life. We need to be proud and not worry about what others think.

Best Always, Love
Christine (aka) Chet Headley Southlake, Texas

[Northern Star Girl]

As part of my transition, I'm going to be moving to a new community to get a fresh start on life. Given that path, I have some options about how open I am about being transgender. I'd love to know how other transgender folks let people know (or not) about being transgender. I gave four options but feel free to comment if none of the first four options apply to your situation. Also let me know if your communications strategy is working out for you.

Sarah

@sarahc
Dear Sarah:
Thank you for sharing your life endeavors in your transition journey. 
You have described EXACTLY my life path as I transitioned to a full-time woman.

Rather that trying to give you any kind of intelligent, informational, and helpful reply comment or two or three or more here on your thread....

I would like to suggest that you might want to take some of your forums reading time to start at the beginning of my previous "HUNTED PREY" thread.   You will find the LINK at the end of my page on my comment here.

Hugs and best wishes... Please let me know if you have any questions.
Danielle

[Laurie K]

living large as a female

[Michelle_P]

I've given this a lot of thought, and had a few interesting conversations on various aspects of the act of going fully stealth vs being out and open.

Going stealth has short term advantages, but seriously soul-corroding long term disadvantages.

Being out and open is something that I find healthier for mind and soul, although considerably more dangerous.  One huge advantage is that among those who accept me and treat me with dignity and respect, that I know my nature is not an issue with them, and that we can have an honest, healthy relationship.

There will always be those who will be disrespectful, out of their own confusion, ignorance, or anger.  I will also know who they are, and will have less concern that someone I considered a friend might turn on me on discovering my past.

There is no reason for me to disclose my past history  to every person I meet.  I see no problem in strangers, store clerks, wait staff and such committing acts of assumption about my history and treating me like any other (white/cis/female) customer.  I am not trying to 'trick' them somehow, or 'trap' them.  They look, make their culturally conditioned assumptions based on what they think they see, and act on them.

Yes, I will disclose my history and nature to someone who I feel needs to know, such as a potential sexual partner, with all due care for my safety, of course.  This will let me weed out the dangerous ones, the phobic personalities, the people I really do not want close to me.

By being open and out, I think I will be in a better position to preserve my own mental health, and to oppose the prejudice and discrimination that the trans population faces.

[Megan.]

I'm out and proud with one caveat; I stay away from very publicly visible engagement, purely to minimise the risk of negative blowback on my children.

There was no practical option for me to go stealth, with two young children and needing to transition at my job. I consciously chose to be a visible role model at my employer to get a 'silver lining' from the process.


Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Dani]

I am out to family and close friends, but to everyone else, they do not need to know every detail of my life. I value my privacy.

[VivianB]

I have come out to my sisters who are very accepting, other than that I am still pretty much in the closet.

[CynthiaAnn]

I don't advertise, I don't hide either. I am already established in life with family and transitioned on the job 6 years ago. It's like no big deal for me, I try and blend in as best I can, and have no issues related to my medical situation. 

[KathyLauren]

I transitioned in place in my community, so I had no choice but to be out and proud at the time.  But that was a couple of years ago, and people's memories fade with time.  These days, I am just part of the community.  I doubt of many people give me a second thought today.

As I go about my life these days, I make no effort to hide.  There are too many people who know my story.  More importantly, when I was part-time, I found the need to hide to be soul-destroying, as Michelle said.  If I had to be stealth now, it would kill me.  I spent 60 years hiding who I was.  I can't do that any more.

As I watch our neighbours to the south slide into social and moral decay, I realize that we trans folk need allies.  On our own, we are too few in numbers to resist those forces.  We can only recruit allies if we are open about who we are.

[TonyaW]

Pretty much what Kathy said. 

Starting my transition at age 54 I don't know how possible stealth would be from a physical standpoint.

Stealth not something I even considered as I did not wish to or have need to cut my family and friends out of my life and start over.



Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Alanna1990]

I'll never ever tell anybody I'm trans, here in Mexico some guys turn into dangerous beasts if you defy their "macho" sexuality by making them feel attracted to a transgender girl, no matter how beautiful I happen to be.

Since I was blessed with good looks and a wonderful husband, nobody suspects at all. I can have a decent life in a place where basically the only choice for transgender girls is prostitution.

I basically act out of fear, I could be making noise and being active in the local trans community making a difference, but since I'm in this comfortable position I might as well do nothing.

[Haley Conner]

Stealth, and probably will keep it that way.  I practically panic just thinking about coming out.  If I had the spine, I'd do HRT and FFS, but I don't.  Concealing your nature is a form of misery though.  Maybe some day I will be able to summon the willpower.  Also, I find that when people think you're a genetic female, and they find out otherwise, they then look at you like you're a freak, become hostile, etc.  Obviously nobody wants to be treated like that.  I was at a bar not long ago, and that happened, and I was convinced the guy was going to take a swing.  And I won't repeat his vulgar rhetoric.  Nothing I can't handle, but it sure ruined my evening.  On the positive side, his buddy, whom I had initially been speaking with, appeared to be appalled at his friends attitude and attempted to escort him out.  So that was kind of encouraging.  As I mentioned in my intro, I am middle aged, so the background I came from is generally about like the dude at the bar as far as attitudes.  It's a hard thing to escape.  It becomes a neurosis or phobia, like fear of clowns etc. for someone on my side of the fence.

[CindyLouFromCO]

I don't tell anyone I'm transgender.  I don't hide it also.  People that knew my past knows.  Most new people do not know.  Having a boyfriend does really does help.  Having my boyfriend can be a curse as his ex wife was transgender so anyone he knows automatically suspects I am too.

I'm not proud of being transgender. I'm only proud of myself for recognizing that I am a woman, and I was able to come to terms with that and transition. 

I'm also proud of the community for recognizing themselves and doing what they need to help themselves.  I hope others that are born in the wrong body can find their happiness also.

[Ryuichi13]

I don't advertise it, but I don't hide it either. 

Those that need to know, such as my doctors, family and friends that have known me for a long time, know.  Those that I have met since moving to the East Coast that are not in the LGBTQIA+ community don't know.  If they see the transflag on my hat or the transflag bead bracelet that says "transman" on it and ask, I'll tell them.  Otherwise, none's the wiser.

Personally, I don't think it matters much to my new friends.  They accept me for who I am, no matter what, and I'm okay with that.

Ryuichi

[Kylo]

I tend to keep it to myself, as I do most details about myself until I've checked a person out first. Most people around where I live do not know me. That's good, as the more I get to know people the more are the chances of being drawn into their drama which I don't want. It's also best not to care what they may or may not be thinking based on their own guesses.

I'm not proud of it but I'm not ashamed of anything. I guess it's just nobody else's business, and you can tell from whether or not people admit on their own without prompting how they feel about the whole trans thing. Not telling them is a useful way of eventually finding out where they stand before sticking your neck out, as if they have a problem with trans people they'll probably be sure to run their mouth about it at some point. People I did tell are those I generally trust and I didn't tell any of them before I knew them for many years and they already knew, liked and trusted me - which made it almost impossible for them to reject me on the basis of some daft idea about trans people being "nuts". They know damn well I'm not nuts and have a perfectly logical head. So it's worked out pretty well this way.

[Ryuichi13]

*snip*

I guess it's just nobody else's business, and you can tell from whether or not people admit on their own without prompting how they feel about the whole trans thing. Not telling them is a useful way of eventually finding out where they stand before sticking your neck out, as if they have a problem with trans people they'll probably be sure to run their mouth about it at some point.

That's how I feel about the new friends I've made since moving to the East Coast.  A few I've had a chance to talk to about "trans issues," and for the most part they were on the fence about them.  With these people, I choose to keep my transness to myself.  A few others are pretty open-minded, but I still haven't disclosed to any of them that I'm trans. 

To be honest, I feel that "unless you're my doctor, my lover or family, there's no real reason to say anything" under normal circumstances.  These same friends also are aware that I volunteer at a LGBT+ center, so they know I'm open-minded.  Exactly how open-minded they think I am, I honestly have no idea.

Ryuichi

[Ann W]

Since I don't pass, I really don't have much choice about being out. As for proud ...

I'm proud of being me, and being a woman is part of that. Thinking of myself as a woman establishes me; thinking of myself as trans doesn't. I think that's because a woman is what I am; trans is just how I came to myself, and it matters less and less as time goes by. Even the things that distinguish me from cis girls tend to fade into the background; I come to respond to and deal with them on autopilot, without thinking about them.

I sometimes see myself in my mind's eye as a cis female -- not because I feel inadequate, and not wistfully; but because it's how I picture my soul, my deep self. I'm that youngish woman in her early 30's in the pleated skirt, standing in her house before the glass patio doors, drinking in the morning sun. I can't see my face, but I am beautiful; because the woman I see is a beautiful thing to be. She is my best self, my innocent and joyous self, and I am she -- at least, in my best moments.

My sister urged me to read the "Anne of Green Gables" series, so I've begun them, roughly half a century late. For some reason, they brought me to the realization that we trans people partake of a quality of innocence -- which surprised me. Why innocence? I think it's because we have been forced to face life stripped of defenses. We have faced the darkness. Like Eowyn, we have stood before the Ringwraith, tears running down our cheeks, without hope, yet knowing we can neither run nor turn aside.

I used to think of living stealth as the brass ring for a trans girl. I don't anymore. For one thing, I know at least some who do so spend a lot of time worried someone will learn their secret; I suspect this is true of many. The one undeniable positive of being able to pass 24/7 is that people wouldn't have to make a mental adjustment to deal with you as who you are, and that would be nice; but on balance I don't think it would be worth it. Besides, I recently discovered that I don't have to pass for people to see me as a woman. Just a few days ago, a customer I deal with regularly, a cis male in his 50s, at least, was leaving after I had assisted him, and said, "Thank you, darl --" and stopped himself. He was responding to me -- not what I looked like, but to me. It's terribly encouraging to realize that that can happen.