Secret handshake?

[Bea1968]

Hi, have another question,

I have run across several people who I strongly felt were transgender in the last few years.  I have no transgender friends and would love to introduce myself and see if we have anything in common.  I always hold back.  I'm afraid. I don't really know the rules, the etiquette.

I want so much to reach out and just say, I am like you.  I understand.  I am here for you.  But I am so afraid of misgendering somebody or pissing off someone because I called them out while trying to pass.  I don't want to insult or hurt anyone.  So how do you share, how do you let them know in a respectful way?

I've been waiting for the mailman to deliver the "Trans-manual" so I could look up the rules.  I must have missed the class where they taught the secret sissy handshake.  Sometimes I feel so lonely and I just wish to reach out to someone who is like me.

Thanks,

Bea

[emma-f]

I have run across several people who I strongly felt were transgender in the last few years.  I have no transgender friends and would love to introduce myself and see if we have anything in common.  I always hold back.  I'm afraid. I don't really know the rules, the etiquette.

I want so much to reach out and just say, I am like you.  I understand.  I am here for you.  But I am so afraid of misgendering somebody or pissing off someone because I called them out while trying to pass.  I don't want to insult or hurt anyone.  So how do you share, how do you let them know in a respectful way?

Honestly, you don't approach them. If someone that I barely knew approached me and said "Hi, I'm guessing you're trans, I can tell. I am too" I cannot think of anything worse. It would be awful!

Unfortunately you dont know where in life these women are. Many trans women just want to leave their trans history behind and live. They dont want to be reminded that they are "different", that you can tell that they're "different". And even then merely being trans isn't in of itself a link for friendship. Many trans women offer great support, go to support groups, meet people online etc. But in my view dont just approach someone like you're saying

Em x

[Bea1968]

I agree being called out while trying to pass has got to be a major downer which is why I have not said anything.  It just seems sad that we go on through life sometimes very alone.   I wish there was a secret handshake.

[Alice V]

I believe that misgender somebody is one of smallest problems in case of contacts on public.

The best option is looking for some local groups and meet with them. You know, we're quite secretive people. Some just don't like to be recognized as transes and/or don't wan't to discuss it in public. So my advice is don't touch people on streets, find somewhere in internet those who willingly contacting in person and start from there

Or you can try it hard and get to know this person close enough to talk about such topics

Oh, by the way, if you don't want to misgender person, you can start with "How can I call you?" or something like that. Let people explain how they wan't you to speak with them.

[KathyLauren]

Absolutely never ask someone if they are trans or tell then that you guess they are.  You could be wrong.  Or you could expose them to humiliation or danger.  Outing someone else is the absolutely worst thing you can do.  In our support group, it will get you expelled.

On the other hand, it is perfectly okay to disclose that you are trans to anyone you feel like doing so to.  One tactful way to do this is to wear a pin or pendant with the trans flag or the three-pointed trans graphic.  No words need to be exchanged, but 99% of trans people will recognize it as an invitation to be open with you.

I know one trans lady who wears a trans pendant all the time, specifically to let closeted trans people know that they are safe with her.

[Bea1968]

Sound advice, thank you.

Bea

[KimOct]

I've been waiting for the mailman to deliver the "Trans-manual" so I could look up the rules.  I must have missed the class where they taught the secret sissy handshake.  Sometimes I feel so lonely and I just wish to reach out to someone who is like me.

Thanks,

Bea

I love your post it is both hilarious and very true.  My favorite combination. 

Early in my transition I was at a women's roller derby match.  Huge turnout. 5000 people in St. Paul MN.  So I am standing in the beer line with my cis-girl-friend and a stranger cuts in line and starts talking to me.  She obviously meant well.  Very friendly but it was very awkward.  There were about 100 people in adjacent lines and she walks up to me and asks if I come very often.

What ??  I tried to be friendly enough without encouraging her to stay.  My reaction was...do I stick out THAT much?

There are trans groups in most major and midsize cities.  Find one,  even if one is not close it is worth the trip to get to one.  It is very healthy.  This site is great but real life so to speak is important too.

[Lady Sarah]

I have seen several people that I could tell were trans, while visiting nearby cities. After all the years since my transition, I found it relatively easy to not say anything to anyone about what I knew. I know I wouldn't want anyone doing it to me.

As long as that is kept in mind, it is easier to live and let live.

[Linde]

I think it is very common to have the feeling to be the only trans person in the world.  if it would not be for the internet, an my support group, I would be the only one.
And if you think you are alone being trans, try being intersex and trans for a change, you are really alone if you are like I!

I wish trans and intersex people would wear name tags, only other trans and intersex people can read!

[Bea1968]

While I could wish for some secret sign or handshake I guess the idea about the pin is as close to optimal that realty and our society will permit.  My only reservation about the pin is the fact that I am not out and would rather not advertise the fact to people with less than accepting attitudes.

Thanks for all the feedback!

Bea

[GingerVicki]

And away we go to search the world for other unicorns like ourselves. It can be a lonely path.

[Ricki Wright]

I too have struggled with this dilemma of wanting to connect, but also not wanting to out someone or cause anyone a dysphoria attack. Mine are bad enough, no need to share that feeling at all.

I made mistakes after I first understood who I was, and for that I am deeply saddened. Learning to respect others space and anonymity as mentioned many times above is something I had to do without a teacher.

I have found a solution however that is working for me, and I will share it with you. Smile. If you happen to catch the eye of someone you believe to be trans, Smile a "I am happy for you smile" and think those words. It dose not have to be long and you do not need to keep eye contact like you are staring at them. With that one smile you tell the person "I accept you." They may not realize you suspect them to be trans and that does not matter. What matters is a stranger smiled at them and accepted them.

That means a lot to anybody in the world, and doubly so for trans people.

Ricki

[KimOct]

I too have struggled with this dilemma of wanting to connect, but also not wanting to out someone or cause anyone a dysphoria attack. Mine are bad enough, no need to share that feeling at all.

I made mistakes after I first understood who I was, and for that I am deeply saddened. Learning to respect others space and anonymity as mentioned many times above is something I had to do without a teacher.

I have found a solution however that is working for me, and I will share it with you. Smile. If you happen to catch the eye of someone you believe to be trans, Smile a "I am happy for you smile" and think those words. It dose not have to be long and you do not need to keep eye contact like you are staring at them. With that one smile you tell the person "I accept you." They may not realize you suspect them to be trans and that does not matter. What matters is a stranger smiled at them and accepted them.

That means a lot to anybody in the world, and doubly so for trans people.

Ricki

Great point Ricki, I get those a fair amount of the time almost always from women.  It is nice and you can just sort of tell that is what it is.  God forbid a guy do it.  Someone might think he is gay or something. 

[Devlyn]

Wait. You all don't know the secret handshake? It's in those links that the moderators give you when you first post here. You did read those.......right?? 

[ChrissyRyan]

Hi!


I am unsure that there is any secret handshake, code words, or signals for us trans-women but some groups of trans-women may have invented them.

A pink, white, blue button or a true trans pin may be useful.  If you go to a trans-women meeting though do not make assumptions there, as some ladies may be supportive cis-girlfriends and cis-significant others.

I too would never ask someone if she is trans.  There is no stereotype look for someone who is MTF trans.  Let them volunteer information as you would decide to open up.

I would also be respectful and kind to all, and a pretty smile does wonders.

Over time we continue to associate with people that are understanding and accepting.  I suggest being safety minded and meet in public places and when you go to meet new people, and go with an accepting friend (who does not need to necessarily be trans) if at all possible.  I would not suggest going alone, except perhaps to a public transconference or a open TG/TS support group in a public place.

Remember just because two people are both trans, their personalities and interests may be far apart.   Be yourself always.

Hugs,

Chrissy

[Artesia]

I saw a girl the other day I am fairly certain is transgender.  We live in conservative central.  I really would like to talk to her so we can provide mutual support and safe places in the event of something crappy happening, but I also don't want to out her (would be dangerous for both of us).  I like the idea of the pin.  Could someone point me the way to one?

[ChrissyRyan]

I saw a girl the other day I am fairly certain is transgender.  We live in conservative central.  I really would like to talk to her so we can provide mutual support and safe places in the event of something crappy happening, but I also don't want to out her (would be dangerous for both of us).  I like the idea of the pin.  Could someone point me the way to one?

Try eBay.

Chrissy

[KathyLauren]

Pride Shack has a variety of trans pins and pendants.

[Rhonda Lynn]

I agree that the last thing you want to do is bring up the "T-word".  If it were me, it's the last thing I would want to hear from a stranger.

Perhaps just try striking up a conversation. You can always comment on something you like that they are wearing or whatever. If they respond positively then maybe you can make a friend.

I was in a book shop a few weeks ago and saw a t-girl who looked like she was just starting out. I thought about approaching her and might of but she was with a friend so I didn't. In that situation I think I would have asked about the book she had, how she liked it, etc. and try to strike up a conversation that way.

[Bea1968]

Bought a 3pack of the pins on Amazon for under $10