Ava's Journey, Unwrapping the True Me.

[AvaNovum]

Hello and Welcome to My journey to truth.

I went through a lot of self doubt and anxiety before I was able to reveal my true self to myself and the world.  I know many others likely are, or have, experienced the same and want to share some of my journey in hopes that it may help ease another's pain or doubt.

This will be a task of discovery and evolution so only the past narrative is certain.

I knew I was different but as a child I could not articulate what I felt. Eventually I  felt ashamed of my thoughts and feelings.  My discomfort manifest itself as introversion, self doubt, and anxiety. Being aloof and professional was how I survived. But I was also often angry, seeing affront everywhere and being so worried about what others thought that I was often paralyzed.  When I acted I would spend hours worrying if I had said or done something wrong.  Eventually My Mother became so concerned she took me to see a therapist.  After several sessions I marshaled the courage to say I liked to dress in Women's clothing....the look on the physiologist's face made it clear to me that this was not something one talked about, ever. 

Life moved on and I became reasonably successful on my career in Information Technology.  Then I met the girl of my dreams and less than a year later, in Kaui Hawaii with me crying uncontrollably, we were married at sunset.  She was beautiful, I secretly wanted her dress, and I was convinced she was my ticket to a blissful life.  However this was not the happy ending I was destined for.

So this is the story of how I went from this unhappy guy......


To this Very Happy Woman


I hope my story helps you in some small way.
Thank you for visiting.
Ava 

[Donica]

Hello and Welcome to My journey to truth.

I went through a lot of self doubt and anxiety before I was able to reveal my true self to myself and the world.  I know may many others likely are, or have, experienced the same and want to share some of my journey in hopes that it may help ease another's pain or doubt.

This will be a task of discovery and evolution so only the past narrative is certain.

I knew I was different but as a child I could not articulate what I felt. Eventually I  felt ashamed of my thoughts and feelings.  My discomfort manifest itself as introversion, self doubt, and anxiety. Being aloof and professional was how I survived. But I was also often angry, seeing affront everywhere and being so worried about what others thought that I was often paralyzed.  When I acted I would spend hours worrying if I had said or done something wrong.  Eventually My Mother became so concerned she took me to see a therapist.  After several sessions I marshaled the courage to say I liked to dress in Women's clothing....the look on the physiologist's face made it clear to me that this was not something one talked about, ever. 

Life moved on and I became reasonably successful on my career in Information Technology.  Then I met the girl of my dreams and less than a year later, in Kaui Hawaii with me crying uncontrollably, we were married at sunset.  She was beautiful, I secretly wanted her dress, and I was convinced she was my ticket to a blissful life.  However this was not the happy ending I was destined for.

So this is the story of how I went from this unhappy guy......


To this Very Happy Woman


I hope my story helps you in some small way.
Thank you for visiting.
Ava

A truth it truly is. Thank you for sharing my dear Ava. Love you sweetie [emoji8][emoji257][emoji126][emoji178][emoji73]

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[Donica]

A truth it truly is. Thank you for sharing my dear Ava. Love you sweetie [emoji8][emoji257][emoji126][emoji178][emoji73]

Sent from my XT1585 using Tapatalk

Let all of us continue to move forward in our journey's to achieve our true dreams, our true selves [emoji847][emoji178]

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[AvaNovum]

Early Days of Awakening.

For much of my early life I dreamed about being a girl but there were few opportunities to explore those dreams.  Six of us lived in a modest suburban home at the outskirts of Los Angeles and privacy was nonexistent.  I created story after story about becoming a Girl but destroyed each one so no one would discover the real me that was hiding inside.

Years passed  and I kept things to myself until my parents divorced.  I moved into a home with my younger brother and a male friend of his not far from my childhood home. Soon the two of them moved out and I was left to my own devices.   I again started writing stories about being a woman in ever increasing levels of detail.  I cautiously ordered womens clothing on-line and started to explore my fledgling femininity, dressing in private at home with the doors locked and the curtains closed tight.  With the expansion of the internet in the 1990s I discovered the concept of Transgenderism and began voraciously reading everything I could find.  Lynn Conway's story, TS Roadmap, and other early discoveries gave me hope.  I began to plan how I could transition.

Then in 2002 I needed a change. I ended a three year toxic relationship, burned everything related to my female self, and moved to Ventura county.

Up Next, Starting Over.

[AvaNovum]

Starting Over 

Starting over in a new place helped for a while, but my female self was always trying to work herself into the light.
I had to remove any temptation so in 2008 I married a woman I thought would save me from myself. I had fallen madly In Love with her and thought that Love would keep my female self under control.
We were married on Shipwreck Beach in Kaui Hawaii and I cried as we said our vows.
I secretly wanted her dress and yet I was totally convinced this was the solution for a blissful life.

By 2013 I was in serious trouble and had to seek professional help to deal with increasing depression and anxiety.  My Love for My Wife was a strong as ever but suppressing my female self was destroying Love of self and, frighteningly, my Love of Life. Over the next few years I went through multiple therapists and tried a multitude of medications with minimal success.   I knew what I felt and thought but could not bring myself to say what I knew was the core of my pain.  I tried to say the words many times but my voice would not say them.  I again started accumulating womens clothes and hiding them the best I could. 

Fact was that being en femme calmed my nerves and eased the depression better than any medication. Any chance I had I would go en femme at home but never ventured outside.  When I was feeling a little bolder I would change into my girl clothes in the bathroom at my therapist's office before my session and back into guy clothes after.   

One day I decided to change at home and drive the 23 miles to my therapist's office en femme. I was terrified but arrived triumphant, my first time out in public .
 
Up Next, Beginning to Come Out.

[Lexxi]

Hi Ava,

I'm loving the story so far, please keep going on it. You are light years ahead of where I am right now, and I can't wait to catch up.

So much of what you've written sounds a lot like what I've been through in my life. For me saying the words "I'm a trans woman" has been so freeing. It feels like the weight of the world is off my shoulders.

Good luck on your journey,

Lexxi

[AvaNovum]

Going to jump to present day for this post because I think it involves an important topic, DeadNaming .

Calling a Transgender person by their Dead Name is one of the most hurtful and disrespectful acts someone can do.
Bringing this up because I was DeadNamed  today by one of my Senior Managers and the feelings it caused were frightening. 
I have been full time at work since November 16, 2018.  Everyone has been awesome except for two managers.  My direct manager (I no longer report to him) misgendered me in my annual written review in January several times using he and his  .  Today we were having a team lunch and my senior manager called me my Dead Name to my face . 

Now I don't look a guy so I was a bit irritated.
The thing was is that this one word, this string of four letters, made me feel incredibly vulnerable, invalidated, and insecure. The fact that it tore me down so horribly was very frightening. 
I am sure many of us have experienced the same or similar issues and this is why we all need to educate everyone we know about why calling a Transgender person by their Dead Name is so very wrong.
So how do I deal with this.  Rule is Praise in Public correct in Private.  The first time I look directly in their eyes, smile, and say "My Name is Ava". Repeat violators get a private talk.  Ongoing violations require a bit more finesse based upon who the violator is.
My personal plan is to ask HR to arrange for a group training session on workplace inclusion for LGBTIQA+ persons to raise awareness company wide. A great idea in my mind as June is LGBT Pride Month .

Wish you all the Best,
Ava

[Donica]

I'm so sorry to hear you are having to go through this my Dear Ava. It is very hurtful when people don't get it right.

I believe there is three types of offenders. First, it is understood that most people genuinely make mistakes and require a simple reminder if any. Most people in this category usually correct themselves. Second, some may even be a little more stubborn/forgetful/lazy and require a little more help, but may still be genuine.

But then there is the third type who may even be manipulative, vindictive, outright hurtful and even resentful, fully aware of the damage they cause. I have, unfortunately, experienced at least one with this personality trait. They are usually those that refuse to believe. They refuse to educate themselves, nor allow such education from others.

The first two types of personalities are usually those that have known us in our previous lives and just require a little time to jump on board. The third type of personality may or may not have know us in our previous lives. It is these types of personalities that tend to be less educated. There tends to be nothing anyone can do with this type of person.

I have little time, energy and patience for those of the third type. In my experience, it's like banging ones head against a wall. Unfortunately, I find it best to avoid them, but also understand not everyone may have that luxury.

You are stronger and far more beautiful than they are Ava. Loving hugs my Dear!