Courtney's life begins here, redux

[davina61]

Its showing now, that was odd. Looking fab my dear, if you have it flaunt it!!

[Gina P]

You look gorgeous girl. I'm so jealous, of those narrow shoulders and big rack. Did you have someone do your makeup?

[Courtney G]

Thanks everyone, for the compliments. They make me feel so good!

You look gorgeous girl. I'm so jealous, of those narrow shoulders and big rack. Did you have someone do your makeup?

Thanks, Gina! I told AI to apply some tasteful makeup and this was the result. As I mentioned above, I was about to leave for electro and I had no makeup on and was fuzzy, so I cheated a little.

[Courtney G]

Oh, and AI made my breasts a little smaller!!!!!! A friend noticed that.

[Stottie Girl]

So odd. I'm told that IMGbb works in the UK. Perhaps this direct link?
https://i.ibb.co/6MZYPLX/courtney-AI-makeup-added.jpg 🔗

I can see it and I'm in the UK Courtney.

Looking good there Courtney. Nothing masculine in that pic. 100% pass.

[Courtney G]

Nothing masculine in that pic. 100% pass.

Thank you, love! Comments like that give me a little zing of euphoria.

I passed another quiz from my electrology course last night. I just started a 20 hour chapter, so I have some studying to do this weekend. I think I'm on track to begin the in-person classes at the school in September. In the meantime, I've joined online electrologist groups, started listening to a podcast, anything I can do to get more familiar with the profession. I tend to dive fully into new pursuits.

We have horrible air quality, due to Canadian wildfires north of here. I've seen that reps from a particular "group" are "blaming" Canada for the trouble they've caused. I think climate change is to blame but they disagree. I guess when you get huge campaign donations from oil companies you learn where *not* to place the blame.

I'd like to go fishing this afternoon, but the air is simply unsafe. I can't imagine what it's like up north right now.

In other news, I'm finally able to put my motorcycle helmet on and go for a ride. Until recently, the endotines (dissolvable fasteners) that were used to hold my forehead together were creating a lot of pain when I tried to drag the very snug helmet over that part of my body. I tried the helmet on recently and was pleasantly surprised to find that I was pain free.

I made friends with a neighbor who loves motorcycling. He's retired and financially well-off, so he owns 4 or 5 nice bikes. We rode together a few times last year but not again since my surgery. There was one issue I'd hoped to resolve before our next ride: our bike-to-bike intercoms were incompatible, due to being different brands. I kept watch and the brand I needed went on sale a few weeks ago (lowest price I've seen) so I bought one and fitted it to my helmet. I'm really hoping we can ride this Sunday, as the air quality should be good and the weather pleasant. I'm out to him and his wife, so I can feel comfortable around him. If he's not around, I might just go solo. The new coms system has JBL audio and music sounds quite good!

[tammy753]

You look great in the photo!

I am looking for an electrologist right now. I have stopped plucking so I I can start electrolysis in a few weeks. The facial hair and my voice are what drives my dysphoria the most so you will be helping people like me over come one of the hardest parts of transitioning.

 

[Lori Dee ✅]

We have horrible air quality, due to Canadian wildfires north of here. I've seen that reps from a particular "group" are "blaming" Canada for the trouble they've caused. I think climate change is to blame but they disagree.

From what I understand, the areas in Canada that are burning are very dense forest and rugged terrain. Not even roads there, so getting in to fight them is extremely difficult. We have had similar issues here in Utah and Idaho. Canada doesn't yell at us for sending them our smoke, so I find it inappropriate to try to blame them for theirs. Like they could put up a wall and keep it all on their side of the border? Idiots.

We share wildfire smoke, industrial pollutants, and wildlife. That's what neighbors do. It isn't a big deal. The winds will shift. They always do.

[ChrissyRyan]

Courtney, you look fabulous.

Chrissy

[Courtney G]

You look great in the photo!

I am looking for an electrologist right now. I have stopped plucking so I I can start electrolysis in a few weeks. The facial hair and my voice are what drives my dysphoria the most so you will be helping people like me over come one of the hardest parts of transitioning.

Thank you! Helping trans people is something I'm really looking forward to. I live in a very conservative area but I know there have to be other trans people around here, plus people will travel a bit for a trans-friendly practitioner.

And I hear you. My facial hair removal is taking forever but as it proceeds, I feel less dysphoric. I look forward to providing that for others.

From what I understand, the areas in Canada that are burning are very dense forest and rugged terrain. Not even roads there, so getting in to fight them is extremely difficult. We have had similar issues here in Utah and Idaho. Canada doesn't yell at us for sending them our smoke, so I find it inappropriate to try to blame them for theirs. Like they could put up a wall and keep it all on their side of the border? Idiots.

We share wildfire smoke, industrial pollutants, and wildlife. That's what neighbors do. It isn't a big deal. The winds will shift. They always do.

Agreed. Let's hope those forests get some much-needed rain.

Courtney, you look fabulous.

Chrissy

Thank you, sweetie! That's very nice of you to say.

[Courtney G]

My little private community (about 100 homes) had a little thing this morning, which was nice. About 25 people showed up. I used the opportunity to come out to three more people (bringing the total to 12 people in the neighborhood) because I knew their position on trans people. So...that was great.

But the thing is, two of them (husband and wife) already knew. When I asked how they found out, they casually mentioned the name of the neighbor across from me, who happened to be the first one I came out to. When I told her, I asked her not to share this with anyone saying that it was (obviously) very personal and that I wanted to control this information. Of course, she agreed but it seems she didn't honor my request.

But she's very gossipy and I knew there was a risk involved. I guess on some level, I sort of wished she'd tell people, spreading the info and doing my work for me. But it still caught me off guard.

I'm a reasonably social person and my plan has always been to make as many allies as possible in this deep red area, so people are in my corner if someone should cause trouble. I figure they'll have a harder time hating me if they know me and like me.

[ChrissyRyan]

My little private community (about 100 homes) had a little thing this morning, which was nice. About 25 people showed up. I used the opportunity to come out to three more people (bringing the total to 12 people in the neighborhood) because I knew their position on trans people. So...that was great.

But the thing is, two of them (husband and wife) already knew. When I asked how they found out, they casually mentioned the name of the neighbor across from me, who happened to be the first one I came out to. When I told her, I asked her not to share this with anyone saying that it was (obviously) very personal and that I wanted to control this information. Of course, she agreed but it seems she didn't honor my request.

But she's very gossipy and I knew there was a risk involved. I guess on some level, I sort of wished she'd tell people, spreading the info and doing my work for me. But it still caught me off guard.

I'm a reasonably social person and my plan has always been to make as many allies as possible in this deep red area, so people are in my corner if someone should cause trouble. I figure they'll have a harder time hating me if they know me and like me.

It is NOT surprising that some people who you confide in and receive a pledge from to NOT share your transgender status seem to spread that information around, even another transgender person may not keep your status a secret.  Some will later share they were doing YOU a favor by sharing your status on THEIR timeline, NOT yours!  Ughh!

Chrissy

[Gina P]

Its only a secret when only you know it. Once there are 2, its no longer a secret.  My guess is that most of your neighbors probably guessed it already.
  My wife let it slip here, to a neighbor, who told her friend, who told her sister, who told others in the community group .........
   I don't hide the fact that I'm trans, but I also don't broadcast it. 

[tgirlamg]

I'm a reasonably social person and my plan has always been to make as many allies as possible in this deep red area, so people are in my corner if someone should cause trouble. I figure they'll have a harder time hating me if they know me and like me.

A sound strategy Courtney but, however it plays out... All Shall Be Well!!!

If the first woman is that gossip prone, perhaps far more people know than you think already and no torch and pitchfork wielding mobs have been formed!

Just keep doing what you're doing cause you're doing GREAT! 💕🤗💕

Hugs!

A 💕

[Courtney G]

As always, thanks for chiming in, ladies. I love the support I get here.

We had a friend (cis female, closeted lesbian) visiting for a couple of days. I'm out to her, so I was able to wear whatever I wanted. She joined my wife and I in the little pool and I wore a bikini top and a floppy hat (to protect my skin). Afterwards, I found I had slight tan lines on my chest again. I really do want to get a proper tan on my body so I can experience the thrill of a "female" tan.

I'm coming off a few days of feeling unhappy and dysphoric - it was a feeling that came on while in the grocery store after electrolysis. I was in girlmode and I got a vibe that I got was that I was a spectacle, an ugly trans woman. I'm sure this has happened to a lot of us. Our brains can ruin a good day, sometimes. I hope my second round of FFS helps.

But we went out for dinner on Thursday and an extraordinary thing happened: the person who brought the food said something like "here you go, sir...excuse me, ma'am." I had a baggy fishing shirt on and no makeup, just earrings and hair in a ponytail. Made me feel better about myself. Male-failing is good for the soul.

My wife and I will be going to my local pride group's monthly gathering at a local coffee shop tomorrow. I think I'm going to try to go in girl-mode, with very light makeup and some proper clothes. I'll feel my wife out to see if she's ok with it.

I hope to go for a motorcycle ride tomorrow afternoon. It's nice to be able to ride again. I've missed that big BMW. The weather is a lot more tolerable and I have mesh riding clothing.

[Stottie Girl]

Sorry I missed your last message there Courtney. To me you look very female, half your community might already know even without the gossiping but you have to expect there will be some. I mean that is pretty juicy gossip as far as it goes!

Maybe you are reaching the point where there is no stopping it. I'm curious what is stopping you stepping fully out the closet?

Feeling free enough to wear a bikini in front of other people sounds like a wonderful experience. I have a dream of one day being able to walk down a beach in a bikini or be one of those bikini girls getting a tan on the sun lounger. I don't know why, I hate lying on beaches, I'm so fair skinned I get sunburnt when I turn the kitchen light on!

I got my motorbike licence when I was 17, sold my bike when I was 19 and have never ridden since. Part of me quite likes the idea of touring across Europe or riding to China on the Silk Road, a big adventure but I likely won't, so many other demands on my meagre funds sadly.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

So glad you got to experience some joy today after the dysphoria you mentioned. It's nice when some small things happen to help out with that.

I really hope tomorrow goes well and that maybe leads to you being able to present as you more often.

Hugs Charlotte 😻

[Courtney G]

So glad you got to experience some joy today after the dysphoria you mentioned. It's nice when some small things happen to help out with that.

I really hope tomorrow goes well and that maybe leads to you being able to present as you more often.

Hugs Charlotte 😻

Thanks, Charlotte. This is a volatile time and for many of us, our day can change from great to horrible pretty quickly. I guess it's always important to remember that better times are ahead.

I've only been out with my wife in that manner a couple of times, so this is kind of a big deal. We'll see how she feels. Having a trans spouse is quite different from being in public with your trans spouse. But she's very smart and progressive and has handled this with grace so far.

Sorry I missed your last message there Courtney. To me you look very female, half your community might already know even without the gossiping but you have to expect there will be some. I mean that is pretty juicy gossip as far as it goes!

Maybe you are reaching the point where there is no stopping it. I'm curious what is stopping you stepping fully out the closet?

Thanks, Sarah. I'm sure people have some idea that I'm "different."

Fear stops me from coming out. Fear of rejection, of people being unkind, of feeling like a spectacle. Fear of rejection, mostly. I really envy those who are braver than me. It's something I'm working on but it's not easy. Baby steps continue to work for me.

I got my motorbike licence when I was 17, sold my bike when I was 19 and have never ridden since. Part of me quite likes the idea of touring across Europe or riding to China on the Silk Road, a big adventure but I likely won't, so many other demands on my meagre funds sadly.

I was pretty seriously into BMX bicycles when I was a kid (it was a new thing at the time), then switched to longer distances on road bikes. But mopeds changed everything. They were all the rage in the early eighties and it was my first taste of true freedom on two wheels. I bought my first proper "motorbike" when I was in high school and owned six more before my current BMW R1200GS. Owning the BMW had been a dream of mine for quite some time. I took several multi-day trips when I was in my 30s and it's something I'd love to get back to. The last overnight trip was to a race track for two days of intensive training at high speeds, two years ago. That was a great experience. Nothing like bombing around a twisty racetrack at 100+ MPH on a 600 pound bike with full luggage attached!

I hope my electrology business is successful and affords me the opportunity to open up my schedule a bit for rides and other adventures. I've worked far too many 7 day weeks in my life so far!

[Stottie Girl]

Fear stops me from coming out. Fear of rejection, of people being unkind, of feeling like a spectacle. Fear of rejection, mostly. I really envy those who are braver than me. It's something I'm working on but it's not easy. Baby steps continue to work for me.

I hope my electrology business is successful and affords me the opportunity to open up my schedule a bit for rides and other adventures. I've worked far too many 7 day weeks in my life so far!

This is me through and through. I marvel at the bravery others shown on here. I would love to just say to hell with them all I'm living my life the way I want to, but I'm like you, it's all about baby steps and fear governs everything I do. I hate it.

Don't suppose you fancy popping over to England for 6 months to zap my face do you? ha ha! I think your business will be a roaring success Courtney. I wish I lived nearby. I would love to have made use of your services.

[Courtney G]

@Stottie Girl Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm certainly going to give it my level best! Yeah, I'd love to spend 6 months across the pond and work on those hairs but if you're anything like me you might need more than that. I've seen my electrologist weekly since September (lost 3 months of that because my electrologist had surgery, then I had my FFS) and it looks like we've finally cleared my chin! I have very, very dense hairs on my face (lots of hairs per square inch) and could grow an impressive beard back in the day. Everyone is different.

I hate the fear as well, hon, but I do the best I can. It's important not to be hard on ourselves while comparing our progress against others. Everyone moves at their own pace. But I'm like you; I want to do more. I feel that the more I do, the more I want to do. Unfortunately, I often feel like a pair of female breasts with a male face sitting atop them. I've recently realized that the safety I enjoyed during the cold months is going to feel like a curse this year because putting my "assets" forward has been a great way to feel more confident when I'm out as myself. Hiding all of that with sweaters and such means I have to lead with my face and I'm not comfortable with that.

I spoke about this a lot in my blog before the crash here wiped it out: I never thought I was "really trans, never imagined I'd be a part of this group or tell people that I'm a trans woman. I figured I was just a man who wanted to grow breasts (and often dreamed about being a woman) and that I didn't really belong in the trans spaces or the trans community. I was just a visitor, a peeper. I felt guilty and dirty at times. I often feel amazed that I've done all of this stuff. I never felt I would. I often feel an impostor, still, after all of this time. I think there are two reasons for this:

1. I held onto these feelings in private for decades, keeping them separate from my real-life hopes and dreams. I kept them hidden from everyone, not ever telling a soul. I kept my female identity so deeply hidden, it never had a chance to emerge as a real thing

2. I didn't allow myself to experiment and experience any of the things I dreamed about. Many here dressed in private, some even went out at times or shared their interest with a partner. When it was time for them to go out, they already had some context for the act of doing so. For me, even dressing at home is still new. I'm getting more comfortable with it, but I still feel some guilt. And I worry about pushing things too far with my wife.

I feel that these reasons, combined with an innate fear of rejection are holding me back. It's something I continue to work on.