Courtney's life begins here, redux

[Dances With Trees]

Happy Valentine's Day, Courtney!

[Courtney G]

@ChrissyRyan and @Dances With Trees Thank you both for the Valentine's Day greeting!

A brief update:

A little over 2 weeks until they change my face. I like to think of it as "fixing" my face, since I wasn't born with the face I wanted. In truth, I realize that the changes might be subtle, so I'm trying not to set my expectations too high. In truth, while I dream of coming out of this looking unmistakably female, I'll be happy if I can pass some of the time if I put makeup on. I'll be happy if I look a little softer, a little less angular.

But the second phase isn't until several months from now, so it could be quite a while before I see the net result of all of this.

I'm concerned about the cost. Insurance is covering this (I'm only a couple thousand out of pocket) but I fear the worst at times, like they'll tell me after the fact that they made a mistake and that I'm on the hook for tens of thousands.

I'm also worried about the pain, the sleepless nights, the possibly of infection or other complications but none of that will stop me from going ahead with this. If the surgery works, any discomfort, cost or inconvenience will be worth it. I consider myself fortunate to be able to go through this. Better late than never.

I did have a blood clot in my leg while on herbal/oral phytoestrogens, so that's in the back of my mind. I may end up taking a prophylaxis to help prevent a dangerous post-surgery clot.

My wife has been quiet about all of this, but she finally spoke up when I pressed her during one of those "what's on your mind" moments. She's concerned about what's next, as far as my transition goes. From the beginning of all of this over 5 years ago, I'd told her that I didn't think that a full-time public transition was what I wanted, but that I couldn't say for sure. At this point, I don't really think my desires have changed that much. I told her the truth: that I'd like my face to better match my body. I'd like to be able to go out when I want and not feel uncomfortable about my face. The more I think about it, the more the "genderfluid" label applies. But I do wonder whether I say that because I don't dare dream that I could pass as a woman. It's possible my feelings about transition could change if I really feel that I pass. I think my wife knows this, too.

Regarding my body, I suffer mightily over the incongruity of a body I love and a face I hate. I want to be able to wear a tank top on a hot day and not feel like I have a man's head on a woman's body.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I'm concerned about the cost. Insurance if covering this (I'm only a couple thousand out of pocket) but I fear the worst at times, like they'll tell me after the fact that they made a mistake and that I'm on the hook for tens of thousands.

Did you get a pre-authorization letter from the insurance company? If so, hang on to that tightly. That is your defense if they try to change the rules. If you don't have one yet, ask if you can have one. Say the surgeon needs it or something.

I worked at a collection agency (Legal Dept.) for a while. If you have something from the insurance company saying they would cover it, it's approved, anything like that, they have no ground to stand on.

I'm also worried about the pain, the sleepless nights, the possibly of infection or other complications but none of that will stop me from going ahead with this. If the surgery works, any discomfort, cost or inconvenience will be worth it. I consider myself fortunate to be able to go through this. Better late than never.

You are right to worry about these things, but I can tell that they are a concern, but not overly bothersome, because you are still determined to push through it. You are a brave woman, and I hope you are totally satisfied when it is all done and over with.

[Courtney G]

@Lori Dee Thanks so much. The surgeon's office did tell me that everything has been approved, but I'll work on getting a letter starting tomorrow!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I'm sure overall it'll go well for you and as planned. I think it's probably a lot to think there won't be some pain, discomfort and sleep issues, but it's all temporary and will be worth it!

Sounds like you're well prepared in your mind for what the results may be like. I think they can vary from subtle to a bit more pronounced, but guess we don't know until later. But each improvement does seem to help.

I don't really know what to expect to be honest. Will just go in and come out different. Hopefully in a good way. I did get sleeping tablets which I'll definitely need to sleep on my back. That's only bit I'm worried about.

Keeping everything crossed always!

Charlotte 😻

[Courtney G]

I decided to update my profile photo, as the one I'd been using is me in a wig, with full makeup. The current photo is all me, no makeup, pre-FFS.

[Pema]

You know what, Courtney? I see a beautiful woman in that photo, too.

I'm sorry about all of the anxiety over the surgery. I think it would be very difficult not to have those concerns and feelings with all that is at stake. I will continue to send positive thoughts your way with the intention that everything will work out as you want.

You'll get there, sister.

[Northern Star Girl ✅]

@Courtney G
Dear Courtney:
      First:  I agree with @Pema ... I also see a beautiful woman in your new Profile Photo.💖

I appreciate and applaud your mental strength in wishing to share your new current
profile photo here on the Forum... no wig, no makeup, pre-FFS.
 
You are among like-minded friends here, no judgement and this is a a SAFE HAVEN and
SECURE PLACE for you and all of our members where acceptance, support, and affirmation are found.

Again, thank you for being here on the Susans's Place Forum and sharing your transition life story,.
Please keep your updates coming. Your avid readers and followers including myself will be eagerly
looking for and reading your future postings here on your Blog thread and elsewhere around the
various Forum Topics and Threads.

    ❤️
HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Admin

[Lori Dee ✅]

I decided to update my profile photo, as the one I'd been using is me in a wig, with full makeup. The current photo is all me, no makeup, pre-FFS.

Still gorgeous, Courtney!
Keep being you.

[Courtney G]

@Pema @Northern Star Girl @Lori Dee Your compliments mean so much to me! Thank you. I don't see what you see but it makes me so happy to hear that.

As an aside, that photo was taken a month or two ago, and you can see the small purple scar on the left side of my chin. It's much smaller and lighter now, but it looks like I'm going to need another laser treatment to complete the removal job. Also, the photo doesn't show my green/hazel eyes; my eyes look very brown but they're not.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Also, the photo doesn't show my green/hazel eyes; my eyes look very brown but they're not.

Hazel eyes do some strange things sometimes. I have blue hazel eyes, but when I am tired, they look more green. I don't know why or how, but I noticed it in the service after pulling 24-hour duty shifts.

[Gina P]

New avatar picture looks great. Good luck on the upcoming surgery.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Nice to see your before picture. Very beautiful already. Hopefully the surgery will give you the improvements you are looking for

Charlotte x

[Dances With Trees]

Love the pic, Courtney! Whatever color your eyes might happen to be at any moment, the woman behind them shines brightly through. 

[Courtney G]

@Gina P, @Charlotte_Ringwood, @Dances With Trees thanks for the kind words.

[Courtney G]

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Philadelphia, with less than 12 hours to go before I have to report to the hospital for facial feminization surgery. I'm feeling surprisingly calm. I rode the train in with my wife, as she works here. Spent most of the day at her office, then walked to the hotel, which was 1.5 miles away. It was 40 and drizzling, but I found the walk to be pleasant and cathartic; a good chance to stretch my legs and clear my head.

My walk to the hospital in the morning will be a half a mile. Also a good thing.

I've worried about my wife through all of this but our goodbye was pleasant. She doesn't understand why I'm doing this but she knows it's what I want.

I do have some fears. I'm worried the scar along my hairline will be hard to hide. Worried about my neighbors and my many friends. If I see my old friends from the area in which I used to live, what will I tell them? Honestly, I don't want to ever go back because I don't want to have to explain.

I'm also a little worried that something will go wrong or that it won't "work," that I won't look any more like a woman than I do now. But I have a modest goal: I just want to look different, as Charlotte mentioned in her post above. I'm hoping this gives me a chance to see myself differently, to reinvent myself.

This will be the first of two phases, so I suppose I should temper my expectations. The second part could bring the whole thing together. Doing it this way is probably a good thing. It gives my wife and I a chance to get used to the changes.

I'll try to pop in in a couple of days with an update. Thanks for reading along.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Philadelphia, with less than 12 hours to go before I have to report to the hospital for facial feminization surgery.

Good luck, Courtney!

See you on the other side. Get some sleep.

😀

[Rochelle]

Good luck 💚

[Sarah B ✅]

Hi Courtney

Although I have not posted much in your journey lately, I have been following along and listening to the way you have shared each step forward, which has been genuinely appreciated.  It takes openness to let people see the process as it unfolds and I want you to know that reading your updates has been meaningful.  Seeing you move toward this moment and talking honestly about it has been inspiring.

Looking at your current picture, it already shows a feminine face.  You mentioned that the photo is you with no wig and no makeup before FFS and that actually makes it even more impressive.  Several people in the thread have said similar things.  One person commented that they already see a beautiful woman in that photo and another mentioned how gorgeous you already look.  Those reactions really reinforce what many of us see, that the feminine features are already there and I certainly see them as well.

Because of that, the two surgeries ahead are not about creating something that does not exist.  They feel more like refining and enhancing what people can already see in you.  From my perspective that is something worth acknowledging because it reflects how far you have already come.

What also stood out strongly was the moment you described sitting in the hotel room in Philadelphia with less than twelve hours before reporting to the hospital and feeling surprisingly calm.  That says a great deal about your mindset.  It shows preparation, courage and a readiness to take this step.  Reaching that point mentally is an achievement in itself.

From the outside it also seems clear that you have been exploring where you want to go.  You have shared your experiences with HRT, your hair surgery and the times you have presented female in public.  Even while describing yourself as gender fluid it feels like you are carefully working out what feels right for you.  Watching that process has been something many of us appreciate because it shows honesty and self reflection.

I just want to say that what you have already done takes courage and determination and what you are about to achieve deserves recognition.  It is clear that you have prepared yourself both physically and mentally for this step.

Wishing your surgery goes well and a speedy recovery.  Many of us who have been following your story are hoping everything goes well and look forward to hearing how you are doing afterwards.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Courtney G

[tgirlamg]

Sending all the best thoughts your way Courtney!... All shall be well 🌻

Onward Brave Sister!

A💕