I passed again. As a woman.
I have volunteered as a canvasser for a regional politician. I believe I can make a difference. If I'm honest, it's also good exposure therapy as I continue to change my appearance. Out there, knocking on doors, I'm Courtney, and Courtney could present as male or female, as I choose. It's a democratic candidate, so they're fine with me either way.
On the way to the training meeting, I had to stop at a drug store, as my right eye was really bothering me (I think I got some hair mask in it whilst showering this morning). I was dressed down again: girl's jeans, a loose purple men's top, an unbuttoned olive drag men's light jacket. A little concealer to help minimize the two remaining bruises on my face and a bit of foundation to even things out. I put some lipstick on, but it was such a subtle color, one might not even know I was wearing it. Absolutely zero eye makeup, contouring or blush.
I grabbed some eye drops and walked to the register. As I approached, the elderly female cashier asked "how you today, ma'am?" Whoa.
That's two for two. Out in public twice and two occasions of passing. To me, it doesn't mean that I pass; it means that I can pass. It was thrilling. It set the mood for the rest of the afternoon.
The canvassing group was all women (6 including me), except for the person running it. These women were so nice to me, touching my arm and treating me as a woman. I think they all knew I was trans, as no one expressed any surprise when I later shared the fact that I was. But one of them got up and hugged me after I told them. I explained my surgery and received sympathetic noises all around. One women said she thought I was "so brave." The whole thing felt great. Oh, and one of them took me to the ladies' room because I was afraid to go.
And the campaign people think I should make some contributions beyond canvassing. I'll likely help with strategy.
What's happening with me now is this: this subtle change in my appearance has given me the confidence to be out more, to take chances. I feel less clockable, more convincing. This lifts my spirits and makes it possible for me to go out the door with my breasts showing because I don't feel like I need to explain. I know that I don't pass 100% or even 50% of the time; I can't withstand any scrutiny. Passing with a face mask on or in front of an old woman who isn't really even looking at me is no great achievement, but it's enough to give me more hope than I've ever had.
We'll see where it goes from here. I can't wait for the next round of surgery. I really need a new nose.
