Courtney's life begins here, redux

[Courtney G]

@Lori Dee Thanks. I'm with you on the adjustments. As a matter of fact, that's why I disobeyed my doc and stayed on injections until I got my labs done. What good is being on injections for months, then stopping right before my blood test? As it stands now, I'm on 25 mg of spiro and plan to stay there. My T was suppressed and my E was too high, so I'll drop E to 2 mg 2x/week and (with doc's permission) and sit there until my next labs. If T is still suppressed and E is good, we'll discuss dropping spiro and waiting for the following labs to see if I need it.

Yeah, I'd like to drop spiro now since I'm already down to 25 mg (wanted to drop it for a long time and even tried once, but my T level shot up to over 200), but I don't want to upset the apple cart. It's been 4.5 long years of these small adjustments and tests. Annoying, since I've heard of others who get their meds dialed in within a few months and don't change anything for years.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I know the struggle. It took just over four years to get mine right. Now, I won't allow anyone to adjust them unless they can point to labs and say, "Here's why..."

[Courtney G]

I've wanted to post an update but haven't felt up to it, and what happened yesterday evening at The White House took even more wind out of my sails. In addition, I decided to look at the comments under a social media post by out trans Congresswoman Sarah McBride and it was completely loaded with disgusting "bottom" jokes from both men and women (mostly men). Couple that with the MMA fighter's comment last night and it makes me wonder why "straight" men are so obsessed with trans women - now more than ever.

The call came down from the top to hate us and people gladly obliged.

This dovetails into what's been on my mind lately: the idea that I'll never experience the privilege of passing. I made the mistake of asking my wife if she sees me (physically) as a woman in any way and her response was that she sees me as "a man with boobs." She wasn't trying to be mean and it's important to realize that my identity is hard-coded into her brain, but still. She wasn't being malicious. But of course, it hurt terribly.

Now more than ever, it's difficult to come out in the environment of hate that has been fomented. I'd just as soon rather continue to hide my body and hope the structure begins to change this fall. But the die has been cast; men finally got permission to say the quiet parts out loud. Couple that with an endless stream of misinformation and I'd say it's not an easy time to be visibly trans. It could take years to undo this damage. That's why I want to pass - so people don't pay me any mind.

In other news, I continue to work on my electrology. I have other things I have to do, so it's an hour here, hour there, but I'm getting there. I have a big section quiz that I hope to take today or tomorrow. I don't know how many of these terms my old brain is going to be able to remember.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Unfortunately I've come to the conclusion that a large part of the general population are stupid, they believe all they've been told and follow like sheep. There is due to this a large part of me that thinks democracy is a complete failure. Well principally democracy in coexistance with media that is permitted to spread non and halve truths. This is also starting to make me someone who could conceivably in return lose trust in cis men all together.

Aside I'm so sad to hear that your wife sees you that way. I totally understand how that hurts. It's true she's known you as a man for the longest time. From my understanding she is speaking entirely from a visual point of view...do you pass? I'd hope on an emotional level she sees you fully as a woman. I think you would totally be able to pass. Obviously that depends on what you are happy to proceed with in order to achieve it. Of course this is your choice but I understand your concerns. I hope you can figure some stuff out in your mind. Maybe write some plans or have more discussions with your wife?

I guess for me I just go out and do me despite the fears, although the UK attitude may well be more subdued. Plus having taken a lifetime of abuse from various people over the years from being all flavours of queer, you kinda just brush it off and put your swag on. Thats a skill itself.

Charlotte 😻

[Lori Dee ✅]

Sorry to hear that, Courtney, but you seem to understand where it is coming from. It still hurts. I still find myself telling people "I'm not a 'Sir '."

I agree that it will take a long time to undo the damage that has been done. The comments being made are not their true feelings. The toxicity of social media provides an opportunity for them to hide and spew hatred so they can fit in and be seen as real men. We have lived in environments where homophobia is required to fit in. They think transphobia is the same thing. Maybe if they would stop watching so much porn, they could actually learn what real-life transgender people are like.

Good luck on your quiz! Your brain has stored the answers. You know the subject well. I am certain you will do well on the quiz.

[Stottie Girl]

THe damage is not just in the US either, it has spread worldwide. THe UK is a far less trans friendly place than it used to be. We have been chosen alongside imigrants to be the posterchild of hate by those from the right. Those bigots will always hate anything that does not conform to their world view so I shouldn't care but when there does not seem to be many voices from alies standing up for us, it worries me that these feelings go much deeper and further than we think.

We are not choosing to be this way, we have a diagnosable medical condition for which the internationally and medically recognised treatment is gender transiton and yet we are persecuted for it. They wouldn't victimise disabled people or cancer sufferers would they. Well maybe they would, some of these people who have the magaphone right now are vile humans.

I'm sorry your wife said what she said but you seem to be understanding of her comments. For what it's worth I genuinely do not see a man in your avatar picture Courtney.

[Courtney G]

Lori, Charlotte, Sarah: thanks for the kind words of support.

Honestly, this is how it is with my wife:
When I came out to her, the first thing she said is "I'm not a lesbian." Somehow, we stayed together and did eventually get married but our coupling isn't a romantic one as much as a practical one.

I'm just going to keep slowly moving forward with my transition, especially the second round of FFS. I wish I could just tell the surgeon "make me unrecognizable, even to my wife." Maybe then I'd have a chance to reinvent myself.

Regarding the problems we have today, "extinction burst" pretty much explains all of it. And the people who were afraid of being pushed out found their mouthpiece in a feckless so-called "businessman", whose racist father and racist closeted homophobic gay mentor raised him to be a cruel, ruthless, misogynistic grifter. He became the mouthpiece for white, straight (c) men who felt like they might not be in charge anymore, and they believed he was some sort of great businessman rather than a failure who resorted to reality TV to avoid total financial failure.

By the way, the "c" represents a particular religion but I don't want to upset anyone.

[Stottie Girl]

I'm sorry to hear that about your marriage Courtney. It sounds more like a marriage of convenience than a loving relationship. I hope I am wrong about that because that can't be fun for either of you. Do you think she might one day come around?

Honestly the way the world has so quickly jumped on the hate bandwaggon has shocked me, it is very scary. It's like you say Trump has given these horrible ignorant people permission to openly display their hatred. The last time there was such a mass wave of persecution of a minority in Europe it did not end well and I don't just mean Kosovo. I'll probably get ticked off by that comment but it's how I feel. I am frightened for the future.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Surprising to hear your marriage is more of a practical arrangement rather than one of romance Courtney. But then again there are many types of relationship and they pretty much all have different dynamics and sometimes there are bits missing that are workable for some, but deal breakers for others. My previous relationship was at a similar point really - after 18 years, we were together because we were just used to it and didn't have visibility on better. Later I reignited myself and got a taste of better joining the furry fandom and finding myself. This was not compatible with what he wanted and as such it got strained and we split.

But the reality is this choice is always totally personal and there are normally still great bits to most relationships. I still miss a lot of things about my previous relationship. As such you may have certain parts of your own that probably keep everything running and you would hate to lose.

Ultimately I hope you can progress to where you want to be and at the same time find the great parts of your relationship to build upon. But it's not easy that's for sure.

Hugs, Charlotte

[Gina P]

   I totally get the feelings you are going through Courtney. My wife and I are in a relationship of convenience. I long for a loving embrace. I know better than ask her if I pass. My son says I am not fooling anyone. Which hurts a lot. They will always see me as the man I once was. Strangers see a woman. You, Courtney, look like a woman, and a good looking woman! Don't be discouraged.
   As far as the spectacle at the white house, all I keep thinking of is a movie called Idiocracy! Walter Cronkite once said of an election, now the pendulum swings the other way. This to will pass. The part that really bothers me is why compare it to a Pride celebration under Biden. I have to try really hard not to get wrapped up in the 'hate' that permeates both sides.
  Hang in there girl.

[Courtney G]

I didn't want to get into this but I'll say that we have some sort of loving connection but not romance, passion and sexual intimacy. We're both older than this is not uncommon, and it often comes from just one side. I'm still a very physical person but she doesn't need that and hasn't for a long time. She claims she's "OK" with it because I never considered intimacy to be something I should just try to "take." I can't do stuff with a partner who doesn't want it. I love my body these days and fear I'll never experience the pleasures that are there to be unlocked. But giving up a life and trust and a partnership for that thrill might end me up in a place that isn't any better. And who knows how long it would last? I only know of a few that lasted beyond a few years before settling into what we have now. Sad but true.

[Courtney G]

This, too will pass.

I hope it passes soon, while we still have a republic.

The part that really bothers me is why compare it to a Pride celebration under Biden. I have to try really hard not to get wrapped up in the 'hate' that permeates both sides.

I don't know anything about "a Pride celebration"; I'm not comparing it to anything except a functioning democracy. I don't hate anything except fascist dictators. They always cause problems.

[Devlyn ✅]

Unfortunately I've come to the conclusion that a large part of the general population are stupid, they believe all they've been told and follow like sheep. There is due to this a large part of me that thinks democracy is a complete failure. Well principally democracy in coexistance with media that is permitted to spread non and halve truths. This is also starting to make me someone who could conceivably in return lose trust in cis men all together.

Aside I'm so sad to hear that your wife sees you that way. I totally understand how that hurts. It's true she's known you as a man for the longest time. From my understanding she is speaking entirely from a visual point of view...do you pass? I'd hope on an emotional level she sees you fully as a woman. I think you would totally be able to pass. Obviously that depends on what you are happy to proceed with in order to achieve it. Of course this is your choice but I understand your concerns. I hope you can figure some stuff out in your mind. Maybe write some plans or have more discussions with your wife?

I guess for me I just go out and do me despite the fears, although the UK attitude may well be more subdued. Plus having taken a lifetime of abuse from various people over the years from being all flavours of queer, you kinda just brush it off and put your swag on. Thats a skill itself.

Charlotte 😻

Democracy without equality is just mob rule.

[Courtney G]

Democracy without equality is just mob rule.

Exactly. Social democracy is the best feature of our system of government. It started in the 1930s. When it was strongest, the economy grew and prosperity increased. When leaders sought to strip it from our system, the rich got richer, the poor got poorer and marginalized/minority groups lost representation. That's happening in a massive way right now.

[Courtney G]

Update: I spoke with a good friend (who I've known for 30+ years) and he mirrored what I'd been feeling, that my wife "knows me too well" and was just being honest. She sees me as "<deadname>" and that's hard to change. I've heard this same story again and again among trans friends.

She supports me and understands that this is real, that my life and identity is changing and evolving. She's not holding me back. My friend suggests that as I progress down this path, her perspective on me might also evolve. I'm really only about halfway through my physical/presentation portion of my transformation, as face/skin is changing (hair removal and work on my skin) and FFS phase II will alter my appearance more, and I don't do much with makeup and clothes beyond the basic, safe, comfortable stuff.

[Stottie Girl]

Update: I spoke with a good friend (who I've known for 30+ years) and he mirrored what I'd been feeling, that my wife "knows me too well" and was just being honest. She sees me as "<deadname>" and that's hard to change. I've heard this same story again and again among trans friends.

She supports me and understands that this is real, that my life and identity is changing and evolving. She's not holding me back. My friend suggests that as I progress down this path, her perspective on me might also evolve. I'm really only about halfway through my physical/presentation portion of my transformation, as face/skin is changing (hair removal and work on my skin) and FFS phase II will alter my appearance more, and I don't do much with makeup and clothes beyond the basic, safe, comfortable stuff.

That sounds very promissing Courtney.

I'm sorry if I appeared to be probing deeper into your relationship with your wife. Please do not feel obliged to share things you aren't 100% comfortable with. It really is none of my business in all honesty. I have absolutely zero experience with any of this so my opinion isn't really worth a damn!

[Devlyn ✅]

Update: I spoke with a good friend (who I've known for 30+ years) and he mirrored what I'd been feeling, that my wife "knows me too well" and was just being honest. She sees me as "<deadname>" and that's hard to change. I've heard this same story again and again among trans friends.

She supports me and understands that this is real, that my life and identity is changing and evolving. She's not holding me back. My friend suggests that as I progress down this path, her perspective on me might also evolve. I'm really only about halfway through my physical/presentation portion of my transformation, as face/skin is changing (hair removal and work on my skin) and FFS phase II will alter my appearance more, and I don't do much with makeup and clothes beyond the basic, safe, comfortable stuff.

Big hug!

My best friend told me he didn't understand what I was doing, but if I was happy he was happy. But...he had always known me as Mike (since the first day of first grade) and that's all he would call me. The son of a gun never called me anything other than Devlyn after that. He slipped once, in hospice two days before he passed away, and he immediately apologized and corrected himself.

It's always been my policy to overlook mistakes from people who knew me for decades.

[Lori Dee ✅]

My best friend told me he didn't understand what I was doing, but if I was happy he was happy.

The same with my best friend. We were neighbors for years and even dated for a short time. She said the same thing. She didn't understand what or why, but if it made me happy, she was there for me. She has been my best friend and mining partner since 2017. She always calls me Lori and corrects others who slip up. And we are comfortable enough with each other as women to discuss hair, clothes, and boob sweat.

I know it was difficult for her to make the adjustment, but she did. So I am hopeful that Courtney and her wife can evolve to that point too.