Courtney's life begins here, redux

[Lori Dee ✅]

I probably need to go and see my psych and she who she recommends for her referrals and maybe consult with them prior to speaking to my gp

That is a good plan.

I can tell you from experience that outing yourself to your GP and their staff is the most terrifying moment I have ever had. But they were very understanding and followed up with relevant questions, like "Are you thinking about surgery in the future?" Or "Do you have a preferred name and pronouns that you would like us to use? Would you like us to enter them into your records so you are addressed properly?" that sort of thing. It turned out to be a big nothing-burger.

Several years later, I had a checkup with my GP. I was battling severe depression, and I started crying while talking to her. She put her arm on my shoulder and asked if I would like her to get me in to talk to my psychologist. I agreed. She also said she wanted to do labs to check my bloodwork. It turned out it was a combination of low vitamins, low hormones, and PTSD. She saw the whole person and got me the help I needed.

I agree that talking to your therapist is a good idea to see what she recommends. But also understand that healthcare providers are professionals. They have probably seen it all, and worse. Whoever you choose, do not be afraid to be honest with them. They can only help if they know the whole picture.

[Courtney G]

I agree with Lori; I was afraid to tell my GP but I'm so glad I did. She's in my corner, looking out for my health and happiness. She's moving to another practice and I plan to follow her. They use my new name and pronouns without hesitation. She prescribes numbing cream for my electrolysis visits. I'm grateful for her.

[Gina P]

What's unfortunate about the local pharmacy is that even though the web portal allows my chosen name for everything, the scripts/paperwork all have my (not yet) deadname on them. Kind of a bummer to be standing there with my breasts sticking out through my cami and having the pharmacy yell out that my script is ready so that the cashier knows. Oh, well...exposure therapy.

I recently starting buying from an online place for my syringes and needles. I got tired of them not being in stock at my pharmacy. Yes, I have to pay out of pocket but since they sent me 100, it will last quite a while. If your interested in the name, I can PM you it.
  I remember the old legal name and prefers name, thing. Made me so happy to get an official name change. Yes it took a while to get everything switched over, but 'he' is now gone for good!

[Courtney G]

I'm really keen to take the best possible care of my skin these days. Unfortunately, I'm older and while I look very good for my age, my skin isn't as elastic as it was 20 years ago and the regeneration rate of my cells will continue to become lower as I age. But I'm focussed on doing the best I can with what I have, which includes washing my face with gentle cleansers with the correct ph, putting face cream (not lotion) on every night at bedtime and messing around with OTC topical treatments, such as an "exfoliating solution" and a "resurfacing serum."

As I continue with my electrology study, I learn more and more about skin care. Last night, I decided I would look into Retin-A, which helps with melasma and hyperpigmentation (age spots and dark areas and stuff). It accelerates skin turnover and collagen production and rejuvenates your skin in a way that exceeds that of the over-the-counter products. So I managed to get an early evening online consult with a doc though the Big Online Retailer and after submitting my info and photos, a script was issued and my Retin-A cream will be here tomorrow.

This is good timing because I hope to beautify my skin in advance of getting my second FFS procedure done.

Speaking of surgery, I have more than a little loose skin on my neck, particularly under my chin. I can often pass for 20 years younger than I am, but this feature can ruin it for me. I think the skin laxity was cause by a combination of aging, loss of neck muscle mass due to HRT and my chin reduction procedure. I sent photos to my FFS surgeon and it looks like there's a pretty good chance that a neck tightening procedure will be added to my upcoming surgical plan. Yay.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Last night, I decided I would look into Retin-A, which helps with melasma and hyperpigmentation (age spots and dark areas and stuff). It accelerates skin turnover and collagen production and rejuvenates your skin in a way that exceeds that of the over-the-counter products.

I have been using Retin-A. Be careful not to get it too close to your eyes. Keep it outside the orbit. If your skin reacts too much to it, instead of using it daily, back off to every other day, or every couple of days.

I stopped using it when I started electrolysis because it was too irritating. I plan to get back to it when I can.

[Courtney G]

@Lori Dee Thanks. I did read that about the eyes. My info says that I should start with a gradual dose - every few days, to see how my skin reacts. I also plan on avoiding use on the areas that are getting treated by my electrolysis. Plenty of other areas to treat! I have some melasma and other hyperpigmentation on my upper forehead, temples, side of my nose, and sides of my neck, so plenty of area to cover!

[Lori Dee ✅]

Plenty of other areas to treat! I have some melasma and other hyperpigmentation on my upper forehead, temples, side of my nose, and sides of my neck, so plenty of area to cover!

Same here. In addition, I have quite a few spots of actinic keratoses. I have some chemotherapy creams for that, but I have not used them due to them making the skin sensitive to sunlight. The products are Flourouracil 5% and Calcipotriene 005%. They work very well when I have used them in the past, but it's best to use them in winter when skies are more overcast, or you remain indoors for six weeks. I can't do that in the summer!

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

I've been using retinol cream (tretinoin) for a while now. Might be slightly helping, though not sure. Might try on my legs as they are covered in hyperpigmemtation from deep sores. Can also get oral isotretinion.

Glad to hear you're still enjoying your studies.

[Courtney G]

I've been using retinol cream (tretinoin) for a while now. Might be slightly helping, though not sure. Might try on my legs as they are covered in hyperpigmemtation from deep sores. Can also get oral isotretinion.

Glad to hear you're still enjoying your studies.

Ah, if we'd only known that we might care about our appearance at some point in the future!

[Maid Marion]

I knew from an early age which is why I have much less damage from sun exposure than most.

Marion

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Unfortunately most of my damage and discoloration is down to massive bouts of acne or folliculitis. These leave many deep sores that after months heal and leave brown patches. I've got it under control again, but only by daily use of chlorhexadine wash, same as used pre op to get rid or mrsa! Unfortunately I sweat far too much even at low temperatures so always got irritated skin most of the year.

[KristaFairchild]

I enjoyed your post and could respond to many parts. I'm glad your health is good and injections are making a difference. This makes me curious about my own levels, yet to be tested. 

I understand about peeking out the door, gas stations, and reflections. Going out in public in my small city is getting easier, but not easy. My darn face doesn't feminize as well as my body. I look younger than I am and younger still in makeup, but...

yeah, but all the rest. 

Fortunately, my body is having none of this. It wants to be feminine everywhere and I'm starting to listen better. 

[Courtney G]

Unfortunately most of my damage and discoloration is down to massive bouts of acne or folliculitis. These leave many deep sores that after months heal and leave brown patches. I've got it under control again, but only by daily use of chlorhexadine wash, same as used pre op to get rid or mrsa! Unfortunately I sweat far too much even at low temperatures so always got irritated skin most of the year.

I'm so sorry. I mistakenly figured that it was something else that caused the damage (not sure what). This must be/have been extremely difficult for you.

My darn face doesn't feminize as well as my body. I look younger than I am and younger still in makeup, but...
Fortunately, my body is having none of this. It wants to be feminine everywhere and I'm starting to listen better.

I hear you about the body. Mine has left me pleasantly surprised. But my face tends to betray me, as well.

[Gina P]

I hear you sister. Many years of farming and outdoor activities have left there mark on me as well. Add in weight loss and viola, wrinkles!

[Courtney G]

I hear you sister. Many years of farming and outdoor activities have left there mark on me as well. Add in weight loss and viola, wrinkles!

If I'm going to be out in the sun for more than about a minute I'll put on sunblock. If I'm going out for anything I'll use primer or foundation that also has an SPF rating.

It's never too late to take care of your skin!

[Courtney G]

A funny (but not uncommon) thing happened today:

My wife was telling me how much she likes to swim since we installed our little endless pool and as she's telling me about her session (30 minutes of continual swimming without a pause) I start to well up, tears forming in my eyes because I was so happy for her.

Maybe it's because I gave myself an estradiol shot this morning that I'm particularly emotional, but I have to say that my empathy level is off the charts these days.

[Maid Marion]

The sun came out while I was out golfing, so I stopped for a few minutes to put on sunscreen on the 14th  hole.  My playing partner took the opportunity to sit down and rest for a few minutes.

Marion

[Courtney G]

A milestone:

Yesterday marked 4.5 months since I started HRT. I've changed so much, both physically and mentally since then. Prior to that, I'd dreamed of being a woman, of having a woman's body but I'd been unable to allow myself to do anything about it until I started taking phytoestrogens about 6 years ago. That led to a blood clot, which led to only taking finasteride which, ironically, had more of an effect on me than the herbals. This led to my egg cracking, coming out to my girlfriend and starting HRT in less than 3 months' time. I received hair transplant surgery about 18 months later.

Recent developments include electrolysis (about 1 year), facial feminization surgery, round 1 (4 months ago), Retin-A for age spots wrinkles on my face (just a couple of days ago), and changing gender markers and name on file with doctors, pharmacist, etc.

Despite all of this, I'm out to less than 100 people. I go out once or twice a week as Courtney, spending the rest of my time closeted. But at home, I present in increasingly female-gendered ways, wearing clothes that make me feel good, putting a bit of makeup on, wearing underwear that feels right (and bras which are necessary). It seems I should do more to pursue my truth but this limited exposure feels right to me. Trans people are more vulnerable to attack than ever before and I'll admit that fear does affect my ability to live my truth.

This could have been very different. I knew I wanted to be a woman right around puberty. I desperately wanted to steal/take my girlfriend's birth control pills around age 20. I envied trans women and found myself attracted to them, which turned out to be a manifestation of my desire to be a trans woman myself. I turned to trans erotica, fiction in particular, in order to live out transition fantasies in my head. I read posts on Susan's about hormones, body changes, social changes and so on. Hard to avoid wondering what would have become of me if I'd taken those birth control pills...

But the fact is, this happened when it was supposed to happen, no sooner or later. It would have been difficult, even dangerous to transition in the very early 90s. I could have ended up broke, unhoused, alone or even unalive. Nowadays I have the privilege of being able to move between two worlds without much fear, cost or inconvenience. But I'm old now, and I image how my face might look if I hadn't been poisoned by testosterone for so many years. Oh, well. I do think I like very good for my age, but like so many of us, I'm sad that I never got to be young and pretty. I mourn the young, fresh-faced Courtney that never got a chance to exist.

But I'm grateful for all of this. I've gotten an opportunity few will ever have. I didn't like who I was and I was able to change it. I'm trans. I have trans friends. I love my body. I've had amazing experiences, with more to come.

Thanks, all, for coming along on this ride with me.

(I had quite a lot of stubble on the bottom of my chin when this photo was taken the other day, as I was getting ready to head out to my electrology appointment, so I tried to touch that up a bit. Otherwise, the photo is a pretty good representation of where I'm at, and the lighting isn't doing me any favors!)

Link to the top I'm wearing (wore it out to my electrologist appointment): https://a.co/d/0gwyAPUd 🔗

🔗 [Link: ibb.co/pr5HSqWm/]