I did end up starting classes at the electrology school. I'm trying not to be anxious. This is relatively unknown territory for me, having to wait for people to tell me what to do, to spend time studying, taking tests, etc. Once I graduated school many years ago, I never looked back and working for small companies or being self-employed means a lot of what happens is bootstrapping, which is to say that I'm used to hitting the ground running, figuring it out as I go and earning enough to cover expenses, with the emphasis on earning. In this case, the emphasis is on learning, with the earning part not happening until some time next year. In the meantime, thousands and thousands of dollars are flying out of my bank account to fund this whole project. I hope it pays off; I think it will. It feels so foreign. I was very pleased to have passed a major written exam this week.
I go to the school (and spend the day) in Courtney mode. I don't do much with my voice, as it's hard enough to interact with new people while trying to learn as much as possible, and focussing on my voice just isn't happening. But I do a bit to soften my voice and focus on a feminine inflection. I'm surrounded by cis and trans women (and one gay man), so the space is very comfortable.
Between school time, fuel and fast food stops during my commute, and trips to my own electrolysis sessions, I spend more time as Courtney than I ever thought I would. And it has gotten easier. I went for a blood draw this morning and stopped at the Huge Chain Department Store to pick up the usual stuff. I needed another "underscrub", which is a long-sleeved shirt that's worn under my scrubs top. I was in boymode and asked an employee in the women's clothing section where they were. She pointed me to the women's scrubs (in the middle of the bra area) without batting an eye. That felt good. What also felt good was the fact that I wasn't nervous at all. I think back to a couple of years ago, when I would have been terrified to be in that space. While I was there today I briefly looked at a few bras and considered buying a cute one. While one can never have too many bras, I really have quite a few and I didn't want to spend the money. But it felt great to be comfortable in that space.
Most of time, despite wearing oversized men's shirts, my breasts seem pretty obvious, but I no longer hunch my shoulders to try to minimize them. I kind of want to be found out. I'm tired of hiding. And I'm proud of my body.
Regarding my gender and my presentation, I get a little hung up on the "performance" aspect of all of it. Trans women are expected to perform femininity to the satisfaction of others. If one possesses breasts but doesn't do everything possible to convince others that you're sincerely interested in being read/treated as female, things can get really unpleasant. I'm sure if you have the privilege of passing in that mode things are much easier.
But I don't, and I'm bothered by the fact that I have to make a case for my existence by doing all of this stuff to satisfy critical eyes. Unlike some people, I never really felt that wearing skirts and dresses and painting my nails bright colors was necessary; it wasn't something I was interested in. I'm more the jeans and t-shirt type. I find myself feeling I'd be happier if I didn't feel the need to pass and to be accepted as a woman.
I've been wondering if my version of being trans would be best served by giving up the performative stuff and just being visibly trans. But we know there's a layer of risk and danger in that space, and I don't live in an area that is very accommodating.
In the meantime, my second FFS date is a month away. Time is flying. And I can't wait for that day to arrive.
