TRIGGER WARNING: Not an uplifting post. This one revisits the topic of fears and doubts.
Struggling with feelings and desires as a trans woman
I think about this a lot and sometimes I write a little about it, but there's always more on my mind that I can express. I saw a short on social media today during which a beautiful trans woman was asked if she struggles with trying to understand why she wanted to change her body and face. Her answer was something along the lines of "I struggle with that all the time. I often feel confused or bad about transitioning because I'm not sure why I wanted it.")
That last part is pretty depressing. When it comes to progressive, educated people I know, I'm ok. I trust them. I can tell them. Most of them are so supportive. But I've not yet come out to ANY of the countless people I know who are in the dark about reality. I can't do it. I know some will support me fully and some others will try to understand, but I know how they talk about us. I've heard it many times.
Something like that.
A lot of what I go through is trying to separate the decades of testosterone-driven desire to access women's bodies with the desire to have a body like theirs. I didn't realize it back then, but those two feelings existed within me at the same time. I thought I felt exactly the same as other boys but I'm sure I didn't. I'll bet that if I'd been able to have really honest conversation with other boys, it might have gone something like this:
Me: Women are just the best. I love everything about them.
Boy: Yes, they are. I like [this] about them and would like to do [that] to them
Me: I just admire them so much. I want to be with them all the time and I love to look at them
Boy: Yeah, I really like doing [this] to them and taking them to places so other boys can see how pretty/hot my girl is
Me: I like the way they talk. I could sit with a group of them and just soak up what they say
Boy: Yes, as long as they don't get annoying. I love to smell their perfume and look at [all of their features]
Me: I'm so jealous of them sometimes
Boy: What do you mean? They do get whatever they want. I guess they're pretty lucky to have all of that control
Me: No, it's not that. I'd love to know what it's like to be soft and gentle like that. To be able to express your feelings without being laughed at. To have such beautiful bodies
Boy: Um, yeah. Not sure about the other stuff, but they have rockin' bodies. I like to touch them
Me: Yeah, if I could switch and have a body like that and wear clothes like they do, I'd be so happy
Boy: What?!
I try to imagine the outcome of this surgery exceeding my expectations (I don't think it will), to imagine going out in public and being fully seen as female, with no questions regarding where I started out in life and (most importantly) what my intentions are. It's simply thrilling. But I often ask myself why it's such a thrill to see a female face or body in the mirror.
In the U.S.A. right now, we know that people are zeroing in on trans people, perhaps more than ever before. It's a useful way to distract people from a particular really bad thing that the wealthy and powerful have been involved in for a long time. And the rest of the world has followed our lead. They're rounding up people in Turkey for the "crime" of being trans.
So while I'm in the absolute thick of my effort to fully realize my identity as a woman, the world around me is trying harder than ever to declare it invalid, to declare me a deviant criminal. This doesn't do much to help me along in this ongoing journey of self-discovery.
I have to prepare myself. I'm spending this time bracing myself for the truth: a lot of people are going to laugh at me. Some will be mean to me. Some will be dangerous. Even old friends who I've broken bread with will misunderstand me (at the least) or laugh at me...or hate me. I have to find a way forward with living a more authentic version of the life I've been living while battling the fears presented by other people and, perhaps more importantly, my internal fear that this is not real, that this is all some sort of weird fantasy I'm pursuing.
I've never been good about keeping something to myself. When I have something to say, I find I just can't hold it in. I often end up telling people too much or sharing something too soon. This is different. I've been on the phone dozens of times recently with people with whom I've shared a lot of experiences and while they're telling me that they love me and they value our friendship, I'm thinking ("They voted for [political candidate] and they watch [particular type of editorial "news" program] and their heads are filled with untruths about trans people. I can't tell them. I've never tell them. At some point, I'll just disappear and they won't hear from me again.")
The only people I've come out to have been progressive, educated friends. A couple are a little confused but they've mostly been amazing. I grew up around working class people who are much less educated and I know what they think, what they say and what they're being told, and while some will support me, almost all will shake their heads behind my back. Some will say some pretty awful things. It's those people who make this so hard for me. I've mostly broken off contact with people who live in that alternative world of racism, intolerance, fear-driven grievance and myopic thinking, but there are some I've been very close to for decades and I just don't know what to do about them.
