Courtney's life begins here, redux

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Glad you finally got something closer to the nose you wanted. It was easily 6 months before swelling subsided on mine and still is changing a bit now.

[Gina P]

I'm glad things are healing nicely. Albeit, it slowly. At lest your nose doesn't look around corners anymore 🙂 The mirror thing, is a weird one. One day I look in there and see a woman, then another day I see a man with makeup. Same person, same face, just the mind playing tricks. Anyway continued healing, sister.

[Courtney G]

I've thought about posting an update a bunch of times lately, but I'm really on a roller coaster regarding my transition. My nose is still fairly swollen and I have some residual swelling below my jaw but I have a decent sense of what I'm going to look like in 6 months. In addition, there will be 6 months of weekly electrolysis visits behind me, which means less visible hair (the remaining dark hairs should be gone).

If I'm honest, what I see in the mirror doesn't make me confident that I'll ever pass. I suspect I'll always be identified as a trans woman rather than just blending in with cis women. I have hard, strong facial features and I'm tall and around 5' 10.5". I stand out when I want to blend in. I want to be round, smooth and soft, but it's not something I can achieve. It's pretty heartbreaking.

I went to a convention-type event this week which was attended by about 99.5% women. What really blew me away was the interactions. Pretty much every single time another woman happened to catch my eye, she smiled at me. People touched my arm when they spoke to me. It was heartwarming. They didn't feel threatened around me; they let their guard down. This is something I began to dislike more and more during my years of presenting as a male: the fact that men are a constant low-level threat to women and they can easily escalate their threat level. It's awful. I always loved the way women spoke with each other and I preferred being in women's spaces, but I could only do so as an interloper, as someone they had to "watch out" for. I don't honestly believe that most of the women at this event didn't know I was trans but I do believe they let that guard down because they saw me as someone who was on their team.

But I look at photos after the fact and I realize that the world isn't that kind, and that I don't have a face that will afford me passing privilege. Sure, I look "cute" and I like what I see in the mirror a lot more than before, but I look like a feminine, softer version of myself rather than a female version.

This hurts, but I suspect I'll have to get used to it. I don't know if I'll ever come out full time, though.

[Lori Dee ✅]

If I'm honest, what I see in the mirror doesn't make me confident that I'll ever pass. I suspect I'll always be identified as a trans woman rather than just blending in with cis women. I have hard, strong facial features and I'm tall and around 5' 10.5". I stand out when I want to blend in.

I think you are nitpicking.

Height has nothing to do with femininity. I am 6 feet tall. Plenty of actresses and female celebrities are 6 ft or taller.

Strong facial features, even post-op? That can be mitigated with makeup. Also, plenty of women have strong facial features.

The secret to blending in is not about height or facial features. I have been called ma'am with two days of razor stubble. It is about presentation.

Look at the women around you every day. Look at how they dress. Look at how they carry themselves. Look at how they act. Most of them are not even wearing makeup. They come in all shapes and sizes.

If the only group you want to blend in with is the round, smooth, soft ones, then I think you need to reassess your goals. You can blend in with just about any group of women. Even if they suspect you are trans, most women don't care. Your experience at the event proves it. A. You are not perceived as a threat, and B. you are considered to be on the same team. That is a win.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Sending you lots of hugs sweetie.  I think you were very close to passing on the last pic I saw of you, if I didn't actually know you were trans it's possible I'd not have known. Little details make a massive difference - I've got a tiny bit of dark stubble returning. 
It accentuates a couple of areas and breaks everything. So i think as your surgery settles you could very well totally pass. In fact I think it's really possible. Maybe you'll not be ultra femme, kinda like me just kinda average but enough femininity to sway the doubt and read you as female. Thats the space I live in and you can totally be out like that.

But i get how it feels. Please hang in there as you've had amazing results so far.