Courtney's life begins here, redux

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Glad you finally got something closer to the nose you wanted. It was easily 6 months before swelling subsided on mine and still is changing a bit now.

[Gina P]

I'm glad things are healing nicely. Albeit, it slowly. At lest your nose doesn't look around corners anymore 🙂 The mirror thing, is a weird one. One day I look in there and see a woman, then another day I see a man with makeup. Same person, same face, just the mind playing tricks. Anyway continued healing, sister.

[Courtney G]

I've thought about posting an update a bunch of times lately, but I'm really on a roller coaster regarding my transition. My nose is still fairly swollen and I have some residual swelling below my jaw but I have a decent sense of what I'm going to look like in 6 months. In addition, there will be 6 months of weekly electrolysis visits behind me, which means less visible hair (the remaining dark hairs should be gone).

If I'm honest, what I see in the mirror doesn't make me confident that I'll ever pass. I suspect I'll always be identified as a trans woman rather than just blending in with cis women. I have hard, strong facial features and I'm tall and around 5' 10.5". I stand out when I want to blend in. I want to be round, smooth and soft, but it's not something I can achieve. It's pretty heartbreaking.

I went to a convention-type event this week which was attended by about 99.5% women. What really blew me away was the interactions. Pretty much every single time another woman happened to catch my eye, she smiled at me. People touched my arm when they spoke to me. It was heartwarming. They didn't feel threatened around me; they let their guard down. This is something I began to dislike more and more during my years of presenting as a male: the fact that men are a constant low-level threat to women and they can easily escalate their threat level. It's awful. I always loved the way women spoke with each other and I preferred being in women's spaces, but I could only do so as an interloper, as someone they had to "watch out" for. I don't honestly believe that most of the women at this event didn't know I was trans but I do believe they let that guard down because they saw me as someone who was on their team.

But I look at photos after the fact and I realize that the world isn't that kind, and that I don't have a face that will afford me passing privilege. Sure, I look "cute" and I like what I see in the mirror a lot more than before, but I look like a feminine, softer version of myself rather than a female version.

This hurts, but I suspect I'll have to get used to it. I don't know if I'll ever come out full time, though.

[Lori Dee ✅]

If I'm honest, what I see in the mirror doesn't make me confident that I'll ever pass. I suspect I'll always be identified as a trans woman rather than just blending in with cis women. I have hard, strong facial features and I'm tall and around 5' 10.5". I stand out when I want to blend in.

I think you are nitpicking.

Height has nothing to do with femininity. I am 6 feet tall. Plenty of actresses and female celebrities are 6 ft or taller.

Strong facial features, even post-op? That can be mitigated with makeup. Also, plenty of women have strong facial features.

The secret to blending in is not about height or facial features. I have been called ma'am with two days of razor stubble. It is about presentation.

Look at the women around you every day. Look at how they dress. Look at how they carry themselves. Look at how they act. Most of them are not even wearing makeup. They come in all shapes and sizes.

If the only group you want to blend in with is the round, smooth, soft ones, then I think you need to reassess your goals. You can blend in with just about any group of women. Even if they suspect you are trans, most women don't care. Your experience at the event proves it. A. You are not perceived as a threat, and B. you are considered to be on the same team. That is a win.

[Charlotte Kitty ✅]

Sending you lots of hugs sweetie.  I think you were very close to passing on the last pic I saw of you, if I didn't actually know you were trans it's possible I'd not have known. Little details make a massive difference - I've got a tiny bit of dark stubble returning. 
It accentuates a couple of areas and breaks everything. So i think as your surgery settles you could very well totally pass. In fact I think it's really possible. Maybe you'll not be ultra femme, kinda like me just kinda average but enough femininity to sway the doubt and read you as female. Thats the space I live in and you can totally be out like that.

But i get how it feels. Please hang in there as you've had amazing results so far.

[Stottie Girl]

I've thought about posting an update a bunch of times lately, but I'm really on a roller coaster regarding my transition. My nose is still fairly swollen and I have some residual swelling below my jaw but I have a decent sense of what I'm going to look like in 6 months. In addition, there will be 6 months of weekly electrolysis visits behind me, which means less visible hair (the remaining dark hairs should be gone).

If I'm honest, what I see in the mirror doesn't make me confident that I'll ever pass. I suspect I'll always be identified as a trans woman rather than just blending in with cis women. I have hard, strong facial features and I'm tall and around 5' 10.5". I stand out when I want to blend in. I want to be round, smooth and soft, but it's not something I can achieve. It's pretty heartbreaking.

I went to a convention-type event this week which was attended by about 99.5% women. What really blew me away was the interactions. Pretty much every single time another woman happened to catch my eye, she smiled at me. People touched my arm when they spoke to me. It was heartwarming. They didn't feel threatened around me; they let their guard down. This is something I began to dislike more and more during my years of presenting as a male: the fact that men are a constant low-level threat to women and they can easily escalate their threat level. It's awful. I always loved the way women spoke with each other and I preferred being in women's spaces, but I could only do so as an interloper, as someone they had to "watch out" for. I don't honestly believe that most of the women at this event didn't know I was trans but I do believe they let that guard down because they saw me as someone who was on their team.

But I look at photos after the fact and I realize that the world isn't that kind, and that I don't have a face that will afford me passing privilege. Sure, I look "cute" and I like what I see in the mirror a lot more than before, but I look like a feminine, softer version of myself rather than a female version.

This hurts, but I suspect I'll have to get used to it. I don't know if I'll ever come out full time, though.

Well my thoughts are that this is dysphoria talking plain and simple. You DO pass based on your pictures. You say you have hard strong features but you are also very slim, softness comes with a bit of weight I think. You have a more athletic physique but a female athelete nontheless. I actually think you are of the same mould as Jamie Lee Curtis and in fact you remind me of her sometimes. You certainly have her boobs!

I think you just need to relax into it more. They say if you are going around everywhere nervous of passing then people pick up on something being off and it makes it harder. Whereas if you walk into a room brimming with confidence and a smile on your face people are more inclinded to accept you and not question your gender. This is what I read of course not from personal experience and I imagine I will be one of the worst people for this but I guess the more you get out there as you the more it will come easy and you can just relax.

You pass when I look at you Courtney and I do not say that willy nilly, I mean it.

[Finally Anna]

What really blew me away was the interactions. Pretty much every single time another woman happened to catch my eye, she smiled at me. People touched my arm when they spoke to me. It was heartwarming. They didn't feel threatened around me; they let their guard down.

If this isn't passing then I don't know what is.

Our own eyes aren't reliable when we look at ourself in the mirror. We are so very critical about our own looks and the smallest non-perfect thing makes us doubt ourself.

But the real jury is this:

Pretty much every single time another woman happened to catch my eye, she smiled at me. People touched my arm when they spoke to me. It was heartwarming. They didn't feel threatened around me; they let their guard down.

💕

[Gina P]

If I'm honest, what I see in the mirror doesn't make me confident that I'll ever pass. I suspect I'll always be identified as a trans woman rather than just blending in with cis women. I have hard, strong facial features and I'm tall and around 5' 10.5". I stand out when I want to blend in. I want to be round, smooth and soft, but it's not something I can achieve. It's pretty heartbreaking.


But I look at photos after the fact and I realize that the world isn't that kind, and that I don't have a face that will afford me passing privilege. Sure, I look "cute" and I like what I see in the mirror a lot more than before, but I look like a feminine, softer version of myself rather than a female version.

This hurts, but I suspect I'll have to get used to it. I don't know if I'll ever come out full time, though.

Welcome to womanhood honey! The beauty industry makes $754 billion in the US, as woman try and match the look, of the perfect woman. Even supermodels don't look that good when stripped of their make up and designer clothes. unfortunately we all have that mental chip on our shoulders of GD and passing. You look great! Except it!

   As for me, 4 years in. I went into town without make up on for the first time. I did add some lip gloss. Like anything the more you do it the more comfortable it becomes.

[davina61]

My makeup is minimal ,only bit that shows is lippy and I get called lady all the time.

[Courtney G]

Thanks, all, for reading along and for the many encouraging thoughts; it means so much to me to know that you're here with me.

On balance, I know I'm fortunate. I look amazing for my age. I have a lean body, with a smaller ribcage, narrow shoulders and, of course, large breasts. I know it's a lot more challenging for some folks to do what I'm trying to do and that the body I was born with has turned from a curse into a blessing.

But what am I trying to do? All I really wanted to do was to fix my body. The thought of transitioning (let alone passing) wasn't really part of my plan. It's just that things kept going further and further and here I am. As a result, I'm trying to be able to be out in public without fear of judgement or danger because I'm a trans woman. I really just want to blend in more than anything. And I'm doing everything I can to make that happen. In addition to the cosmetic surgeries, I'm using prescription medication to improve my complexion. I'm continuing the slow process of clearing the hairs from my face. I'm improving my makeup skills and trying to cultivate a bit of a look for myself. I'm working on my voice a little and trying to improve my mannerisms. But I often feel that the best I'm going to manage is to present as a trans woman, as someone who provokes a response. I suppose that's ok for many but I'm makes me feel terribly self-conscious and a bit unsafe. I don't want to provoke anything. I just want to enjoy being who I am.

I see trans women at events and I think they're beautiful. Even if they don't have "conventional" female features, there's beauty in their authenticity. It took me a while to see this. I know that there are many who don't see things like that and if I lived in a world without them, this would be so much easier. If I lived in a city like Minneapolis or Seattle it would be so much easier. If you have a problem there, there's usually someone around the corner who is on your side. It doesn't feel that way where I live.

I guess I just have to continue to move slowly forward.

My wife just came into the room and I told her that I've had a bad couple of days. She won't tell me that I pass or even look like a woman but she did tell me that she thinks that most of the women I saw at the conference saw me as a woman. For those reading along, I should point out that all of the women were electrologists, so I assumed that they were just being kind because they're used to accommodating trans women. But that little bit of tacit validation from my wife did make me feel good.

I bought a purple nightgown many months ago and put it on tonight. It feels good to feel cute. I just wish I felt it all the time. I've been through this before. Many of us here go through this. I tell my friends the same thing I need to tell myself now: there are bad times, but there will also be good times. Just hang in there!

[Lori Dee ✅]

there are bad times, but there will also be good times. Just hang in there!

Yeah, you've got this.

No worries.

😀

[Stottie Girl]

Well Courtney, ditto!

My goal is to blend in, to not raise suspicion. I am a transwoman obviously, but I do not want to be viewed as one when I am out and about. There is nothing wrong with it of course, and I mean no offence but I feel that life will be a lot harder without passing, it may lead to more confrontation, more fear and having been through three breakdowns, I'm not sure that I have thick enough skin to cope. The odd incident is ok but if it becomes a part of daily life I could be in trouble mentally.

It is for this reason that I am not yet out (well that and fear, I am a big scaredy cat after all!), that I am sitting at home learning, practicing, observing, putting all the pieces together so that when I do get out there, I am as polished as I can be without RLE. Some may say this is silly, that I am wasting time when I could be out there living as my true self but for me this is the approach that seems to fit. I'm sure I am not alone. I am a tortoise, not a hare.

Maybe you are pushing too far too fast Courtney? I know some on here just make the decision, flip the switch and out they go. Not everybody is like that, a lot of us have severe insecurities. To me you pass but I am looking at a little 2D avatar picture, I do not get to see what you see and if you are lacking confidence, maybe you aren't ready? If you go out there looking scared, furtive or on edge, people pick up on that. It might mean peolpe looking at you strangely as they try to work out what is up. If you walk out confident in your own skin then people don't seem to take as much notice. Easier said than done I know!

Of course the other thing is dysphoria making your brain pick up on things that nobody else would. I have that all the time. Sometimes I will look in the mirror and think, yeah, that's a woman right there and then other times I will find fault or tells that I am certain other people would immediately pick up on when they blatantly would not. I'm sure every one of us on here experience this to variuous degrees.

Maybe ease of the accelerator for a little bit, regain some of that confidence and go again? It is not a race after all.