Quote from: TXSara on January 09, 2024, 11:02:15 AMI really think that this is more of a situation where my personality type is just more prone to this type of behavior, and my transition has been the trigger that brought it all to the surface.
Digging a bit more into what I said earlier about the origins of my attachment problem, I found some pretty interesting stuff online.
Background:
I have recently found out that I am an enneagram type 9w1. Type 9's are known as the "Peacemakers", and 9w1 is known as the "Dreamer". I have always been a fan of looking inward at what really motivates me, and the enneagram does a better job of this IMO than the Meyers-Briggs typing (I'm INFP, by the way).
At our core, Nines want everyone to get along and be at peace. It sounds like a really positive way of living, and I have a large number of friends because of my easy-going nature. There is a darker side, though. In order to make other people happy, I tend to marginalize myself. I can sometimes go to sleep to my own wants and needs in order to get along with other people. It's quite the double-edged sword.
If you haven't ever looked into this stuff, you should. You might learn a lot about yourself, realizing that the same traits that are extremely positive in some contexts are your downfall in others. Fascinating stuff. I'll probably talk more about this later, but I don't want to go too long with this post.
The point of bringing this up now is to give context to an excerpt from a post I found earlier that I found to be really helpful and interesting. This quote comes from Raena Hubbell's blog at:
https://www.raenahubbell.com/enneagram-attachment-stylesQuoteAnxious-Preoccupied Types: Two, Seven, and Nine
As previously mentioned, psychologists refer to the anxious-preoccupied mindset as characterized by a "negative" view of self and a "positive" regard for others. While this language doesn't quite capture the subtleties of how each type approaches attachment at average or unhealthy Levels of Development, it points to the dynamic between the individual's way of relating to self versus relating to others. This mindset gives rise to various anxiety-driven behaviors that attempt to re-establish or reinforce the sense of connection with the other.
Type Two: I want you to love me as much as I love you
At average or unhealthy Levels of Development, Twos fear that they're unworthy of love and that the other person doesn't return their level of affection. Their sense of self-worth becomes inextricably tied to how helpful, giving, and supportive they are to the other person, and they start doing things for the other person to "earn" their love. They focus their energy on demonstrating affection with the hope that it is returned in the form of appreciation. This dynamic gives rise to a great deal of anxiety – that their partner doesn't love them back, that they're not doing the right things for their partner, or that they'll be rejected (translation: that they won't be loved).
Type Seven: I want the relationship to be awesome
Sevens in an insecurely attached relationship feel enthusiastic about the attachment and their partner but fear that the relationship won't stay "awesome." As they think about the future, they develop anxiety that one (or both) of the partners will get bored or the happiness won't last and devote their energy to occupying the relationship with activities to keep it exciting (e.g. planning lots of fun dates, trips, outings, etc.) Ironically, their partner may find this exhausting and it can become a source of conflict if the other person doesn't have the same level of energy.
Type Nine: I just want you to be happy
Nines are prone to an insecure attachment style due to their focus on maintaining peace and harmony in their relationships. They'll naturally have a positive regard for their partner (as they do for almost everyone), but fear that there will be conflict or that the other person will be upset. To prevent this from happening, they employ Ego-driven strategies such as accommodating the other person, merging with their partner, and failing to assert boundaries. They spend their energy trying to keep the other person happy and sacrifice or deny their own needs to stay connected.
It is certainly of note that anxious-preoccupied is the only attachment styles triad that overlaps with another known triad: the positive outlook types. This actually makes sense, as the anxious-preoccupied types have a "positive" view of others and their relationships, and positive outlook types approach problems, conflicts, and others with a positive mindset. This mindset is characterized by phrases such as "Things will work out," "In the long run it will be okay," and "Let's look at the bright side." This way of thinking will cause the person – consciously or subconsciously – to avoid acknowledging the downsides or problems with their partner or relationship. Rather, the energy will go into maintaining a happy relationship through Ego-specific strategies (as discussed above).
I totally agree that I'm prone to this behavior. I remember having a little of this back in High School with both my 9th and 11th grade girlfriends. As soon as I felt them even slightly backing away, I became really anxious and probably hastened the breakups. A few years ago, I would have chalked it up as a young kid learning how to relate with others. Now, I think it may be been a harbinger of things to come.
~Sara
