Sarah B's Story

[ChrissyRyan]

Happy birthday Sarah!

Chrissy

[Sarah B]

Hi Danielle

Thank you Danielle for your birthday wishes, they have certainly made my day.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Northern Star Girl

[Sarah B]

Hi Lori

Thank you Lori for your birthday wishes, they have certainly made my day.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee

[Sarah B]

Hi Chrissy

Thank you Chrissy for your birthday wishes, they have certainly made my day.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@ChrissyRyan

[Sarah B]

Hi Sephirah

Thank you Sephirah for your birthday wishes, they have certainly made my day.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Sephirah

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

Yes Seriously

Now you know why February is such a prominent month of the year for me.

Feb 1959 I was born
Feb 1989 Living my life as Sarah.
Feb 1989 Legally changed my name.
Mar 1989 Started hormones. (so close to February, it could have been February, seriously)
Feb 1991 Surgery.

As for Fairy Bread it's is too crunchy and tasteless to eat, Sephirah.

Everything is upside down from your perspective Lori, so yes the cakes are upside down.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Sephirah @Lori Dee @Northern Star Girl @ChrissyRyan

[davina61]

Missed this so happy belated birthday my dear XX Feb for the start of my trip as well .

[Sarah B]

Hi Davina

Thank you Davina for your birthday wishes.  You are not late as I have another 4 hours my time before the day ends.  Remember I'm in the future. 

I'm puzzled what do you mean by "XX Feb for the start of my trip as well"?

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@davina61

[davina61]

That was XX. Typo It was Feb when I started my new me.

[Lilis]

Happy Birthday, Sarah! 🎂🎈🎉

[Sarah B]

Hi Lilis

Thank you Lilis for your birthday wishes, they have certainly made me happy.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lilis

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

The following is from a thread called Denial Beard, where I add more detail about what happened to me in this area.

I was lucky in the sense I really did not have much body hair as a result of puberty.  I have the sense my puberty was delayed in some way.  I know that around 18 or 19 my facial hair started to come through.  I had one or two hairs on my chest, mainly in the breast area, nothing on my back and hairs on my arms and legs, nothing that was excessive.  So from these vague memories, I realized that testosterone did not fully create havoc with my body and I was lucky.

My facial hair was normal, not too thin or thick and I never grew a beard.  There was a period when I had a moustache.  When I did grow one, I do not remember when, maybe around the mid 80's.  It almost certainly was after reading an article on transsexuals and I have a distinct memory of this being a way to disguise my true self, or in my case, myself.

In December 1987, I certainly removed it.  This was the time when Sarah first ventured out into the wide blue yonder.  The reality was that I was hiding the truth of who I really was.  While the exact reasons for these actions are now hazy, I believe they were driven by an unconscious desire to be female and when I did think about it, I realized I longed to be female.

At some point, I started waxing my face.  While I'm not sure exactly when I began, I know it was sometime in 1988 and definitely before February 1989.  I guess it was an outgrowth towards becoming more feminine, not that I realized what I was doing at the time.  I continued waxing my face after February 1989 and I included electrolysis as well, until I no longer had facial hair.  Which occurred about a year and a half later.

I disliked shaving and when I had to shave I seemed to be removed from the process.  Women typically don't have facial hair and I certainly took care of that problem.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

The following is from a thread called Did you ever question WHY you are transgender?, where I add more detail about what happened to me in this area.

Introduction
I'm not transgender, never have been and never will be.  Why?

I have always been a female.  I found this out when I joined Susan's in 2010 at the age of 51.

For just over 20 years I was living my life without realizing that I was female.  Yes it is ironic, there I was working and living as female and I really did not know that I was female if that makes sense.  Yes when I had to fill in forms during that period I tick the sex or gender box as female and that was the extent of my knowledge of being female.

I grew up never knowing who I truly was.  The only stark thing that really stood out was I wanted to be a female and thoughts that aligned with being female.  I changed my life around in February 1989, because I wanted to live my life as a female and I guess subconsciously I wanted my body to truly reflect who I was without realizing what I was doing.

Nothing I did in regards to this ever caused me distress or any dysphoria of any kind.  In addition I chose privacy over public declaration of who I was and have always remained true to that aspect of my life.

I was on Susan's 15 years ago and I was working on the Wiki and papers or biological discussion were mentioned in how the brain was being affected.  I read that the research often pointed to the way hormones in the womb might condition the brain to develop in a way that does not necessarily match the body.  Whether it is a gene switch or a resistance to testosterone, this confirms that nature is responsible.  I never asked myself 'why' because there is nothing that can be done about it and I like my life unconditionally.

Transgender as a Label
The term "transgender" is a label used to describe individuals whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth.  It is not a medical condition but rather a self defined term reflecting personal and social understanding of gender identity [1][3].

The term "transgender" emerged in the mid 20th century and gained prominence in the 1990s as a broad, inclusive label for diverse gender experiences.  According to Stryker (2008) it evolved as a political and social term to unify various gender identities under one umbrella [2].  Historical and cultural shifts significantly influenced the term's adoption, broadening its application over time to encompass diverse gender experiences.

However, during the 1970s and 1980s "transgender" was not in widespread use and notable individuals like Renée Richards and Jan Morris did not describe their experiences using this label [5][6].  Instead they framed their actions as personal and medical rather than aligning with emerging identity based terms.

The term "transgender" has faced criticisms as a universal descriptor due to its limitations.  Valentine (2007) argues that the term's broadness and inconsistencies often fail to capture the nuanced experiences of those it seeks to describe [6] and similarly Stryker (2008) emphasizes that "transgender" has evolved more as a political and social category than a universal or definitive term for all individuals experiencing gender incongruence [2].

This diversity of perspectives underscores that rejecting the label "transgender" does not invalidate someone's experiences of GD or GID.  It highlights the need for autonomy in navigating identity labels and addressing medical or psychological experiences.

Labels can become tools for belittling individuals by reducing complex identities to a single, superficial trait. Just as derogatory nicknames like; "4 eyes", "carrot top" or "sissy", were once used to demean someone based solely on appearance, the "trans" label or variations can sometimes be deployed in a similar way to simplify and undermine a person's full identity.

Gender Dysphoria as a Medical Condition
Gender Dysphoria is a clinical diagnosis defined by psychological distress resulting from a mismatch between one's gender identity and biological sex.  It is recognized as a medical condition in frameworks such as the DSM-5 and the WPATH Standards of Care [1][3].

Earlier frameworks, such as the DSM-IV, referred to Gender Identity Disorder (GID) emphasizing the clinical aspects of distress without associating it with identity labels.  The DSM-5 later transitioned to GD aiming to reduce stigma while maintaining medical recognition of distress [3].

The medicalization of GD underscores its distinction from labels like "transgender." GD focuses on the psychological and emotional impacts of gender incongruence while "transgender" remains a self defined term reflecting personal identity and social understanding [1][4].

Research by Swaab and colleagues (2002) has shown that the human brain undergoes sexual differentiation in ways that may not always align perfectly with external genitalia [7].  Work by Bao and Swaab (2011) further supports the idea that prenatal hormone exposure plays a pivotal role in this process [8].  Similarly, research by Scott Kerlin, as cited on grad-mentor (website), supports the view that prenatal exposure to synthetic hormones such as DES may significantly influence brain development and contribute to gender incongruence [9].

My Personal Journey
I have never embraced the transgender label because my identity has always been clear.  When I joined Susan's and I realised I have always been female.  The question remained as to why and how this "happened to me".  The how is generally explained along the lines as Lori mentioned.  As to the why aspect, it is just how things eventuate.  In other words nature played its hand, no matter how it occurred.  Kathy also mentions the external influence of DES.

I asked my mum twice about this particular issue, but she said it was not DES, but she said that she took the thalidomide drug.  Which in a sense does not make sense to me unless I research this issue further.  However no matter what caused my condition, I don't care.  As the saying goes "a female brain in male body" comes to mind.

In the 1980s I sometimes longed to be seen as female and read an article in a men's magazine that showed a man transferring over five figures into a female outline.  At the time I did not fully understand the term "transsexual" nor did I experience any dysphoria.  I grew up without the label "transgender" surrounding my life and without the confusion of too many definitions.  I simply wanted to be a woman.

In February 1989 I changed my life around, because I wanted to live my life as a female and I guess subconsciously I wanted my body to truly reflect who I was without realizing what I was doing. 
Nothing I did in regards to this ever caused me distress or any dysphoria.

Two years later I underwent surgery to align my body with what it should be in my mind "a female".  This being the classical definition of being a "Transsexual" I never questioned what I was doing.  My decision was never driven by a need to fulfil a label but rather by the simple desire to live my life as me.

I never really questioned why I was the way I am.  The research simply confirms that nature is responsible and I know there is nothing I can do about it.  Not that I want to change anything about me, I'm happy as I am.  I live my life as me unconditionally with out any labels.  Every part of my journey simply fits together as it was meant to be.

I continue to support community efforts behind the scenes through my involvement with Susan's Place and through teaching.  My personal privacy is paramount in regards to my medical condition and I respect those who choose public visibility.  But for me the label "transgender" remains irrelevant to my life.

Conclusion
The terms and debates surrounding labels do not affect my personal experience and I only use "trans" terms when I'm discussing those issues on Susan's and nowhere else.  I live my life quietly in a binary world as a female.  That has always been the case, will always be and that is all there is to it.

Bibliography
[1] American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5)
[2] Stryker, S. (2008). Transgender History. Berkeley CA: Seal Press
[3] World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) (2011). Standards of Care Version 7
[4] Davy, Z., et al. (2018). "The gender dysphoria diagnosis and its implications for transgender health care." International Journal of Transgender...
[5] Feinberg, L. (1996). Transgender Warriors: Making History from Joan of Arc to Dennis Rodman
[6] Valentine, D. (2007). Imagining Transgender: An Ethnography of a Category
[7] Swaab, D.F., Fliers, E., & Partiman, T.S. (2002). Sexual differentiation of the human brain: Relating structure to function. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 985, 68-84.
[8] Bao, A.-M. & Swaab, D.F. (2011). Sexual differentiation of the human brain: Relation to gender identity and transgender phenomena. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology, 32(2), 214-226.
[9] Kerlin, S. (n.d.). [DES Research]. Retrieved from https://grad-mentor.com/des-research/

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

[Mrs. Oliphant]

Thanks, Sarah B, for the most informative post. I agree wholeheartedly that gender is 'nature' and not 'nurture,' whether genetic or congenital. In the 1960's, a fellow member of my high school's thespian club gave me a 'gender' test she had found in some magazine or textbook. Of course, she gave me the test 'blindly' (I had no idea what she was up to but we were friends and I trusted her). I was baffled by her giggling after she reviewed the results, but I didn't learn until decades later I had passed the test with flying colors: as a female. To her credit, as far as I know, she never shared the test results with anyone else. Otherwise, my life would have been difficult for a time living in a small town in the 1960's.

[Sephirah]

Sarah, you are you. You are an Aussie Sheila who enjoys swimming (which I massively envy), and are someone who is almost as big a nerd as I am.

That's all there has to be.

Love you, hon. <3

[Lori Dee]

Sarah is really good at that stuff too. Putting the information together and explaining it so it makes sense. Oh, and swimming too. 

[Sephirah]

Yeah she is. She is someone I admire because she chooses her words very carefully and deliberately. She is the embodiment of the quote: "A wise person speaks because they have something to say. A fool speaks because they have to say something."

<-- Fool.

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

The following is a longer version of my response to Alana's thread, 'A bit of euphoria'

"Long Hair, don't talk to me about long hair" (apologies to HHGTTG).  Fifty years of long hair and it's been as long as it is shown in my avatar.  I don't know why I love long hair so much.  I guess it's just part of who I am.

I remember brushing my godmother's (aunt) hair when I was around ten or so.  I believe she liked it being done and I enjoyed doing it.  When I asked my mum if I could do hers, she said no.

My antithesis against short hair really stems from around when I was approximately twelve or thirteen and I believe my hair was getting long and mum asked me to get a haircut.  I don't know if even at that stage I was growing my hair because of who I was.  I remember discussing with mum about my hair, whatever that entailed and somehow she convinced me to get a short cut back and sides.

Well I must have been naïve because like a good child I went by myself to the barber's and I believe I said to the barber, don't take too much off.  When it was finished I realized to my horror what had happened.  I think I was upset maybe even angry at the time.  Maybe at the time I vowed never to have my hair cut like that again and never in a barber's shop.

During the years following this incident, my hair was longish, not quite reaching my shoulders and this persisted until after I finished high school.  I was eighteen.  I let my hair grow out, not realising that was what I was doing and nothing was mentioned in regards to me having long hair.

I have a photo of me and my mum standing together holding up my graduation certificate in civil engineering from a community college.  I was twenty-one and my hair was well past my shoulders.  I do not recall how I cared for my hair at that time.  I suppose the normal of washing and combing it.  I do not know if I ever put my hair in a ponytail at the time.

This was about the time that I started with my swimming and of course my hair was getting longer, not that I really noticed.  I of course wore a swimming cap so that my long hair would not get in the way of my swimming and when the morning and evening training sessions had ended, I showered to rinse the chlorine out of my hair.  I then applied a little hair conditioner and then brushed it.  Eventually I switched to combing it as the brushes which had a rubber insert kept splitting.  Once a week I would shampoo it and then condition it.

A couple of things to note.  In growing out my hair it was noted by me that while it was initially growing out, the hair strands would annoy my face and I thought when it got long enough that annoyance would fade away or I would get used to it.  Now if I get a hair in my face I gently sweep it past my ears.  I never blow dried my hair especially after swimming.  I just left it out to dry naturally after I finished swimming.  I never had time to do anything with it as I was travelling to work which usually took 30 minutes and going home also took around 15 minutes.  So yeah, never blow dried my hair.

While I was working as I gained confidence maybe a couple of years before going on holidays as Sarah, I did put my hair in a plain pony tail.  However beyond that I did not pursue a plait although I wanted to as I was worried about what others would have thought if I did.

Before I changed my life around I did not have a fringe, my hair was parted down the middle and even still to this day I can still see the parting I once had.  Then I got a fringe and I believe I had my fringe permed at the time.  I do not know if I had my long hair permed as well.

When I changed my life around, I spent the time doing my hair before I went to work.  Simple appropriate styles like buns, French twists, plaits and French braids.  When I went to university I usually put it in a basic plait.

I don't know exactly when the thoughts started, but it was more than likely before I changed my life around.  Three things stood out: the fear of going bald, which weighed heavily on me more than once; the moment I went on Sarah's first holiday when I noticed a slight receding of my hairline; and the strong sense that I would have done anything to stop going bald.  I was lucky in a sense because starting hormones stopped the nightmare of going bald.

When I had those two Christmas holidays as Sarah I did not know that at that time my long hair actually contributed to me instantly passing.

I have coloured my hair a couple of times, with various shades of auburn, not red colouring.  Caring for my hair has never been a hassle.  Never cut it while it was growing.  The reason being others moaned that they wished they could grow their hair long as long as mine.  It seemed to me that "women always cut their hair every so often", which in some sense the hair never had a chance to grow longer.  I was aware of this innately.  Having a trim all the time the hair would never get long.

I have had it cut halfway up my back a couple of times and surprisingly it felt good.  I like my hair waist length, not bum length.

One time I was on a holiday with my boyfriend at the time and we were on the Sunshine Coast.  I had just got my hair put into a spiral perm.  However, I did not know how to take care of it.  After swimming in the sea, I showered and put conditioner in it and it was a nightmare trying to comb it and I was doing it from the top down and it took ages and I was in tears doing it.  Yes, I loved the look of the spiral, but I have never gotten another one.

When I took care of my mum's hair later on in life, as she could not do it herself because the ligaments in her shoulders did not allow her to do it for herself.  I was then able to do it every morning, usually plaiting it and then putting it into a bun or just left it as a pigtail.  Then kissed her good morning and said "I love you."  One thought comes to mind did I like my mum's long hair?  Well yes I do and I guess maybe that's another reason while I like long hair.  As they say "like mother like daughter".

So as I said "don't talk to me about hair" I know all about it.  I obviously love long hair, I've always taken care of it and I was never obsessed with it.  As much as it is a part of my life, it was never a hindrance.  Even now it is still my crowning glory!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

The following story contains more information than what I mentioned in a thread called Re: Post-Op Depression ... where I discuss my perspective on what happened to me in regards to this issue
I always knew that living as female felt right for me, I never even thought about it once I changed.  During the eighties that feeling of certainty grew stronger every day and there was no inner conflict.  I never experienced the turmoil that others describe and my life was too busy to analyse anything deeply.  Virtually no information existed at the time and I was not seeking answers to why I wanted to live as a female.

Three months after changing my life around I was already working as a female.  My days filled with ordinary tasks like taking care of my personal needs, grocery shopping, socialising and paying bills.  Those concrete responsibilities left no room for endless self-analysis.  I focused on what had to be done and life just carried on like everybody else's.

Before surgery I understood barely what the operation could do and that was simply the removal of what was there.  It would reshape my anatomy yes, yet it would not make the bills vanish or mend strained friendships.  Because I never expected miracles I felt no disappointment when daily stresses remained the same.

I accepted full responsibility for my decision long before I reached the operating theatre.  If I ever felt doubt or regret it would be my responsibility and nobody else's.  That mindset closed the door on the "What now?" crisis that many people face when they hope surgery will solve everything.

I had never suffered from any depression of any kind so my emotional foundation was steady.  Stopping hormones for the required pre-op period did not worry me because I knew hormone treatment would resume after surgery.  One frequent source of anxiety simply never took hold.

Money was tight so I returned to work two weeks after surgery which kept my mind engaged while my body healed and that purposeful activity protected me from rumination.  Each day I was reminded that life was moving on exactly as before.

I chose complete privacy about my past.  No colleagues or friends knew anything about the operation or the earlier part of my life.  That secrecy shielded me from curiosity gossip or prejudice.  Because everyone treated me as they always had I enjoyed a stable social role that reinforced my emotional equilibrium.

Keeping my story to myself also gave me full control over personal information.  I never faced the helpless feeling that comes when private details spread without permission.  Autonomy over my narrative strengthened my resilience.

Some might feel lonely without sharing such a significant experience yet I did not rely on outside validation.  My certainty was internal and my schedule was full.  Privacy never became a burden.

Determination, a problem-solving outlook and comfort with uncertainty are traits that surgeons say predict smooth recovery.  I recognise those qualities inside myself and I see how they guided me through each stage.

Looking back nearly four decades later I find no trace of regret or depression.  My identity was clear my expectations were realistic my actions were practical and my privacy protected me from external stress.  With every emotional doorway to doubt firmly closed contentment settled in and has remained ever since.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lilis

[D'Amalie]

My identity was clear my expectations were realistic my actions were practical and my privacy protected me from external stress. 

I'm excited to see my outlook reflected in the experiences of others.  It shores up my decisions, validates my approach and confirms my strategy with lack of militancy. 

"Keep it Secret.  Keep it Safe - Gandalf" <cheeky but appropriate>