Seeking advice

[MartaA]

Hello everyone,

So, this would probably be a bit longer. Not an English native, but I hope to not make too many mistakes

I'm 29y old man(at least from biological point of view), in my first relationship in many years and it's been going on for about 2 years now. Recently, I've started a therapy with my wonderful psychologist and first time in my life I've admitted in a serious way that if all of circumstances were right - I would rather be a woman, start hormone therapy and everything that's connected to that.

I've been having doubts about my gender since teenage years, but grew up in let's say - not very supportive environment. 2 people that I've hinted this kinda treated me like I'm crazy, that I won't do as a woman and it's insane and I must be joking. Unfortunately, some of my friends are rather not too open-minded about those things(wonderful people, but we just don't agree on LGBT matters).

Coming back to my doubts, I've always been questioning my gender, ocassionaly tried women's clothes when it was possible, got my first set of pantyhose when I was maybe 15-16, of course nobody knew. I was always feeling that I don't belong in men's world and had trouble communicating with most of guys - mostly thanks to my father who were absent since my birth. Been raised only by women, so I feel attached to them more than just by simple relations but more like I should be one, but I'm not...

I've tried to silence that side of me for a long time, but since my relationship started(I'm mostly attracted to women just to mention) and it was getting more serious, silencing the woman's side of me was getting harder and harder and started to impact my mood and overall psychological contidion - that's why I've started therapy. It was hard to came out even to my psychologist, but luckily she knew where to dig and what questions to ask and it happened. Since then, I can't get my mind of it, that I should do something about it or someday it will just hurt my mind so bad, that I end up going insane. I just feel that I won't be able to function without being in peace with myself...

I can't say I hope that someone here had some similar problems, as I would never hope for someone to go through what's happening to me right now, but I hope that maybe there's someone who've been brave enough to step up and take his/hers/x life in their hands...

So, everyone - have someone maybe was in similar position? What did you do? Most importantly, how your girlfriend/fiancée/wife, friends and family reacted if you decided to come out? Is it not too late? Should I try to scout the ground or just spill out everything at once?

I know there are rather many questions and I'll probably have even more, but maybe someone will answer.


Sorry for a long read, but if you actually reached the end, thank you.

[LoriDee]

I think you will find that many, if not all of us have had similar experiences. Not exactly the same, but similar. I felt the same way growing up, relating to girls and wanting to hang out with them. I started therapy after three failed marriages to discover what was wrong with me. I had no idea that I might be transgender. But, as you said, my psychologist knew what questions to ask and where to dig.

You can read our member's blogs and see if any stories are closer to what you experienced. The link to mine (The Story of Lori) is down below in my signature block.

[SoupSarah]

Your story is unremarkable. A lot of people have gone through what you are dealing with. The good thing is there are plenty of solutions.. The hard thing is finding the right one for you.

Take this: You have been dealing with these feelings for a long while now. Tomorrow does not have to be the first day of anything, you have time to feel the way forward. You are talking to a therapist, that is good and a great first start. Explore with your therapist what these feelings mean, where they come from and later on explore some possible solutions. Many people who started this path like you found very different answers. I urge you to find yours and make wise decisions.

[Sarah B]

Hello RandomStrangerX

My name is Sarah B and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

The name you have used is very strange to say the least.  Is there a christian name you would like as your title or sign in name instead.  It came be a female name if you like and the pronouns you have used can be changed if you would like.

The reason being is you have said you would rather be a woman and start hormone therapy and everything and being addressed correctly using the right pronouns would be more appropriate, especially around here on Susan's.  Danielle our forum administrator would be able to help you that way.

You said in your post:

Hello everyone,

So, this would probably be a bit longer. Not an English native, but I hope to not make too many mistakes

I'm 29y old man(at least from biological point of view), in my first relationship in many years and it's been going on for about 2 years now. Recently, I've started a therapy with my wonderful psychologist and first time in my life I've admitted in a serious way that if all of circumstances were right - I would rather be a woman, start hormone therapy and everything that's connected to that.

It's nice to be in a relationship and most important of all you are seeking help for your issues and problems.  Telling you psychologist, about your feelings takes a lot of courage and in doing so you have began the steps necessary to achieve what you want.  However sooner or later you will have to tell your partner because if you begin hormone treatment and then they may find out and the consequences can be devastating.

Your English is good so please do not worry about it, if you say something and we do not understand then we will ask questions to clarify.

I've been having doubts about my gender since teenage years, but grew up in let's say - not very supportive environment. 2 people that I've hinted this kinda treated me like I'm crazy, that I won't do as a woman and it's insane and I must be joking. Unfortunately, some of my friends are rather not too open-minded about those things(wonderful people, but we just don't agree on LGBT matters).

What you have said, is extremely important and you have done the right thing and found out from those around you, that they are not very supportive of the idea of 'transgender' people and therefore you must be very careful in who you talk to about yourself and even then be extremely cautious in who you tell.   The reason being is your safety and well being is more important than telling anyone.

Me personally I never tell anyone about my 'medical condition' and I never will, except in very limited circumstances and as a result I have never had any problems.  I also never questioned my gender, don't ask me why, I just don't know, and still to this day I don't question my gender as I know, I'm female.

Coming back to my doubts, I've always been questioning my gender, ocassionaly tried women's clothes when it was possible, got my first set of pantyhose when I was maybe 15-16, of course nobody knew. I was always feeling that I don't belong in men's world and had trouble communicating with most of guys - mostly thanks to my father who were absent since my birth. Been raised only by women, so I feel attached to them more than just by simple relations but more like I should be one, but I'm not...

Your feelings and the way you are has nothing to do with an absent father or you being in the presence of women.  My father was a very quite man and was never that much involved with his children.  However, he as far as I know, never affected the way I feel and that I always wanted or longed to be a female.

Wearing women's or female clothing, tells you something about you.  You know you like wearing them and they are more appropriate for you than any other clothing.  It was the same for me, when I got dressed, wearing female or women's clothing, it felt right.  I have always felt an affinity more towards women than men and I never did like the way men act towards women, yes there are exceptions.

I've tried to silence that side of me for a long time, but since my relationship started(I'm mostly attracted to women just to mention) and it was getting more serious, silencing the woman's side of me was getting harder and harder and started to impact my mood and overall psychological contidion - that's why I've started therapy. It was hard to came out even to my psychologist, but luckily she knew where to dig and what questions to ask and it happened. Since then, I can't get my mind of it, that I should do something about it or someday it will just hurt my mind so bad, that I end up going insane. I just feel that I won't be able to function without being in peace with myself...

If you try to bury your feelings, one day somewhere or somehow, those feelings will come to bite you on your backside a lot more harder than your feelings are right now.  There is no cure for those feelings.  If there was then a solution would be all over the internet.  You have stated that you have tried to suppress those feeling and in doing so have caused you problems.  It is good to see a 'therapist' and you have done the right thing, by confiding in them.

Long story short, my feeling of wanting to be a female or women were growing stronger and stronger until I eventually left all my friends and family and I changed my life around by living my life as a women and eventually I had surgery.  The fog, pressure, whatever you want to call it finally lifted from my mind and I have been able to live my life in peace and contentment ever since.

I can't say I hope that someone here had some similar problems, as I would never hope for someone to go through what's happening to me right now, but I hope that maybe there's someone who've been brave enough to step up and take his/hers/x life in their hands...

So, everyone - have someone maybe was in similar position? What did you do? Most importantly, how your girlfriend/fiancée/wife, friends and family reacted if you decided to come out? Is it not too late? Should I try to scout the ground or just spill out everything at once?

There have been a lot of members here at Susan's Place, that have come and gone.  However, the one thing that a lot of those members have are similar problems to what you are going through at the moment and all you have to do is ask for help and any number of them will come along and help you as much as they can or they will point you in the right direction.

You only tell anybody, what you feel comfortable in telling and remember be careful on what you reveal as this is a 'public forum' and everybody who visits Susan's will be able to read what you write.  There are places here on Susan's and Susan's Discord where you can have private conversations with those people.

Remember members of Susan's will more than likely will come along and discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most of them have experienced these as well.

I know there are rather many questions and I'll probably have even more, but maybe someone will answer.

Sorry for a long read, but if you actually reached the end, thank you.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the various threads and forums.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new from new members.

You are more than welcome and it was not a long read, I enjoyed reading what you have to say and one of the things that is important here at Susan's is that members will take the time to sit and listen to what you have to say, because what you say provides knowledge for others to learn from.

Take care and all the best for your future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@ RandomStrangerX

[MartaA]

@Sarah B, @LoriDee, @SoupSarah

Thank you so much for your answers, as for I knew that I'm not alone in those feelings, but seeing it written by someone else is really, really helpful.

@Sarah B - regarding my nickname, I must admit that I didn't look up other users nicks here and just went in with something not exactly showing my desired name, etc. If you can direct me to how can I change it without creating another account, that may be helpful

[Sarah B]

Hi RandomStrangerX

You wrote the following:

Thank you so much for your answers, as for I knew that I'm not alone in those feelings, but seeing it written by someone else is really, really helpful.

@Sarah B - regarding my nickname, I must admit that I didn't look up other users nicks here and just went in with something not exactly showing my desired name, etc. If you can direct me to how can I change it without creating another account, that may be helpful

You are more than welcome and I hope that I have helped you in some way.

I will let Danielle our Forum Administrator that you are interested in changing your name or login credentials, she will get in contact with you and between the both of you, I hope that you will be able to sort out something.

Take care and have fun.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@RandomStrangerX
@Northern Star Girl

[LoriDee]

@Sarah B, @LoriDee, @SoupSarah

Thank you so much for your answers, as for I knew that I'm not alone in those feelings, but seeing it written by someone else is really, really helpful.

@Sarah B - regarding my nickname, I must admit that I didn't look up other users nicks here and just went in with something not exactly showing my desired name, etc. If you can direct me to how can I change it without creating another account, that may be helpful

Hi Ralina,

Danielle, our Admin can do that for you if you like. I will tag her on this post and she will get in touch with you.

Take care!
Lori

@Northern Star Girl

[Northern Star Girl]

@RandomStrangerX
Dear Mateusz  (wishing to be Marta someday):

For your information:

                              Procedure for Changing Your Name on the Forum
Click Link---> https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,196460.msg2270355.html#msg2270355

Warm Regards:
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator
   
cc:  @Devlyn  @Mariah  @Jessica_Rose  (Forum Global Moderators)
       @Sarah B  @LoriDee (Forum Official Greeters)

[LoriDee]

Hello MartaA.

Glad to see you got your name changed. If you need help, never be afraid to ask.

Hugs!

[MartaA]

Hello Lori,

Yeah, nickmame change went well
I haven't read your story yet, but definitely going to.

I got one question - to everyone who checked out my case - was the reactions from families/friends/partners negative or positive? If positive, what approach did you took? Telling everything without too much beating around the bush or rather slowly trying to hint the subject?

[Sarah B]

HiMartaA

You mention in your post:

Hello Lori,

Yeah, nickmame change went well
I haven't read your story yet, but definitely going to.

It's good to see you have the name you like, while you are on Susan's.

I got one question - to everyone who checked out my case - was the reactions from families/friends/partners negative or positive? If positive, what approach did you took? Telling everything without too much beating around the bush or rather slowly trying to hint the subject?

Long time ago and long story short.  I left my family, friends and colleagues behind without telling them and I did not want them to know what I was going to do with the rest of my life.  Reason being I was a very private, quite and shy person .

However, one of my uncles who knew about me told my mother and eventually the rest of my family found out.  I was very fortunate that my family accepts me unconditionally.  I was prepared to lose everything.  Friends and colleagues never found out what happened to me and they still do not know what happened to me to this day.

So, I have no idea how to tell anyone, whether it is "without beating about the bush or slowly hinting about my past life", whatsoever and still to this day, I never tell anybody about me.

You will find ways to tell others, about yourself, if you want to tell them and only you can decide whether you do or not tell them.

In a sense I told my first psychiatrist that I was not going tell my family, however by that stage, my family knew anyway and I gathered, he was not going to ask me to come out to others.  That is just me, never tell anyone.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@MartaA

[LoriDee]

Hi MartaA,

I delayed telling anyone for a few years. I accidentally outed myself in an email to my parents, so just laid it all out for them. Once they knew, I figured the Rumor Mill would start, so I began calling my closest family members, (brother, cousin, uncle). I also told them that this is me and I have nothing to hide. I am not embarrassed and if they want to tell someone else, I am ok with that. If they have any questions they can ask and I will do my best to answer them.

The responses were a mixed bag. I'll let you read about them in my story. Some members are accepting and some are not. Those who are not, do not contact me anymore. I can't control how they react. If they have a problem with me, then it is their problem, not mine. It stings a little, but I would prefer to not have that negativity in my life.

If they want to be a part of my life then it is up to them to do so. Do or don't, my life goes on. It is MY life and I am done trying to please everyone else at my own expense. This is my journey and they are welcome to come along. But I won't force or beg them to. It is their decision.

[MartaA]

Okay, so after today's therapy session, I've finally decided to come out to my girlfriend. I've felt like there's now or never.

And.. It didn't went well.

Almost 4 hours of talking, questions, crying and everything connected to that... She stated that she's okay to be my friend if I decide to start taking hormones or making moves towards becoming a woman, but she can't be with me.

And that broke me completely. 2 or 3 panic attacks, total storm in my mind and now I'm sitting here, thinking..

Now I'm not sure if I can sacrifice everything I got to chase my dream.

[LoriDee]

MartaA, don't second-guess yourself. You just dumped a lot of information on her that she was probably not expecting. Give her time to process all of that. She could still come around. The fact that she asked a lot of questions tells me that she is interested in trying to understand. We have many members here who have transitioned while being married. It is not easy to do, but they made it. When your partner loves you, they will try to understand what you are going through. Be patient and help them understand. I hope things work out for you.

[SoupSarah]

Okay, so after today's therapy session, I've finally decided to come out to my girlfriend. I've felt like there's now or never.

And.. It didn't went well.

Almost 4 hours of talking, questions, crying and everything connected to that... She stated that she's okay to be my friend if I decide to start taking hormones or making moves towards becoming a woman, but she can't be with me.

And that broke me completely. 2 or 3 panic attacks, total storm in my mind and now I'm sitting here, thinking..

Now I'm not sure if I can sacrifice everything I got to chase my dream.

As I said to you earlier, tomorrow does not have to be the start of anything.. it can just be tomorrow.
You just dumped some serious news on your significant other. Most people will react with shock when the person they are with announces there may be something 'wrong' with the gender they present in.. People need time to understand and accept.. you need time. This is not a race and (to not want to sound like a broken record) you don't have to do anything right now.
Don't force things either. They need time to process and time to think of their solutions. A lot of people see themselves suddenly 'thrust' into a gay relationship when this comes up and that has a lot of baggage in the minds of people who accept themselves as straight.
What is hard to see now, but will come clear as your journey flows forward is if people cannot be in a relationship with you, cannot be your friend or even actively despise you.. it is better to let those relationships go.  For both of you. Relationships only work if both people are in them.. lol.. It is like having an affair, you can beg for forgiveness, demonstrate it is over, but some people can not forgive. With gender, you can plead your case, say how you have not changed, but some people cannot see themselves in that kind of relationship. You will hurt each other more trying to make it.
That said - all is not doom and gloom. there are many instances where a coming out like this does not break the relationship. Many reasons why people stay together. In my experience its a 50-50 chance and not predictable.
You can let as many people as you like tell you 'their story'.. and wow, there are a lot on here who like to tell it. But their story is not mine, it is not yours and most whilst having a 'similarity'  (either they stayed, they left or they left after trying for x amount of time to stay) will not help you individually.

As in all things relationship it is about trust (Truthfullness), Communication, Understanding and Time.. Use those things to navigate the road ahead with your significant other and good journeys

Now, let me write a small novella about what happened when I told my wife... Well it went like....  LOL..

[Sarah B]

Hi SoupSarah

You said:

As I said to you earlier, tomorrow does not have to be the start of anything.. it can just be tomorrow.
You just dumped some serious news on your significant other. Most people will react with shock when the person they are with announces there may be something 'wrong' with the gender they present in.. People need time to understand and accept.. you need time. This is not a race and (to not want to sound like a broken record) you don't have to do anything right now.
Don't force things either. They need time to process and time to think of their solutions. A lot of people see themselves suddenly 'thrust' into a gay relationship when this comes up and that has a lot of baggage in the minds of people who accept themselves as straight.
What is hard to see now, but will come clear as your journey flows forward is if people cannot be in a relationship with you, cannot be your friend or even actively despise you.. it is better to let those relationships go.  For both of you. Relationships only work if both people are in them.. lol.. It is like having an affair, you can beg for forgiveness, demonstrate it is over, but some people can not forgive. With gender, you can plead your case, say how you have not changed, but some people cannot see themselves in that kind of relationship. You will hurt each other more trying to make it.
That said - all is not doom and gloom. there are many instances where a coming out like this does not break the relationship. Many reasons why people stay together. In my experience its a 50-50 chance and not predictable.
You can let as many people as you like tell you 'their story'.. and wow, there are a lot on here who like to tell it. But their story is not mine, it is not yours and most whilst having a 'similarity'  (either they stayed, they left or they left after trying for x amount of time to stay) will not help you individually.

As in all things relationship it is about trust (Truthfullness), Communication, Understanding and Time.. Use those things to navigate the road ahead with your significant other and good journeys

Great words of wisdom.  However, when you said:

Now, let me write a small novella about what happened when I told my wife... Well it went like....  LOL..

Please no cliff hangers, it's not fair!  Please do tell, in a blog?  Only if you want to share of course.

Take care and all the best.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@SoupSarah

[KathyLauren]

And.. It didn't went well.

Hi, Marta.  Nice to meet you.

I am sorry that coming out to your girlfriend didn't go well.  But I admire your courage in doing so.  In my opinion, it was the right thing to do.  A relationship will not work without honesty.

I had been married for 13 years when I realized that I was transgender.  Coming out to my wife was extremely difficult, but I knew I could not be honest with her if I was not honest with myself.  She was hurt, but she decided to stick with me anyway.

Some people can handle a partner who wants to transition, some cannot.  Some think they can handle it but change their minds, and others think they cannot handle it but it turns out that they can.  You have to allow her the freedom to decide whether she can handle it or not.

[Gina P]

Hello Marta,
   I am proud of you for having the courage to come out to your girlfriend that takes a lot of strength. To try and keep this hid and repressed for her sake, will only tear you up inside.
   When I came out to my wife of 35 years, she as many said she could not see herself continuing in this relationship. I got the, "I'm not gay!, Definitely not lesbian!, What do you want, to date men now? How could you hide this from me all these years?!!......" I had a lot to loose, home, business, toys, family. But I had reached such a low place in life that I didn't care if I lived or died, so what if I loose all of that, but was able to transition and live my life as I felt I had to. I decided to give her time. Asked if she would feel better if I slept in a different room? She agreed to keep things the same until she could no longer stand it. Transitioning takes a long time and she could bale whenever things got too weird. In the mean time I strived to show her I was a better person and gave her the space and time she needed. I still went forward scheduling an appointment for an Endo to get HRT(4 months out). Let my hair grow. Got my ears pierced. Shave all my body hair off, and so on. She said I was weird to which I agreed. I showed her I was still the same person she had married just better. I still did the same chores but helped her with hers. We went shopping together. Now she has come to like the new me and even helps me buy clothes and helps me pick out styles. Our relationship has evolved into something much better, more caring. We are more like 2 very caring friends now. Will she stay through the finally stages as I get my bottom surgery in 2 weeks? Only time will tell, but I think she will.
   I found out something very important when I started transitioning, If you are not happy there is very little in your life that will be happy. Find your happiness first and it will flow to every one else around you. Good luck.
Hugs Gina

[MartaA]

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for all the posts and voice of encouragement/compassion.
That's really important right now.

So.. Next day was still a little bit strange. We talked once again about everything - I tried to explain everything more calmly, without crying or shouting or anything like that. Aaaand it went better. She even made a joke that she would accept that, but I need to keep my genitals and get some breasts done - pretty much what I was aiming for if I'll start the hormone treatment. Don't know if it's a good sign and I did not dig into that straight away.

Also today, when we were driving around(coming back from her parents - no, they do not know), she said that it would be horrible to lose everything between us, because we are good fit for each other.

I still did not pushed any arguments, that even if I change my appearance, my character traits will probably remain as they are... I did not used that, as at our first "conversation" about that, she said that she won't find me attractive as a woman.

But... Yesterday, we were drinking after all the talking and she started to talk about her masculine traits and that my feminine side is pretty much good fit for her, but I think she is still scared that this side will take over the steering wheel in me. She even proposed that I can try on one of her dresses or she can paint my nails black.

I'm not sure what to take out of that, maybe she's kinda warming up to the idea of me becoming more feminine or she's just putting on a brave face, hoping that I won't advance into HRT.

[LoriDee]

MartaA,

I think that is wonderful news! You handled it right by remaining calm and explaining as best you can. You gave her time to adjust and she is trying to accept it.

she said that it would be horrible to lose everything between us, because we are good fit for each other.

Exactly this! You will remain the same person you have always been. Your appearance will change, your behaviors will change, but you will still be you.

Let her paint your nails! Wear the dress. Do girl stuff together. Show her you are the same person, and she is just seeing another side of you. If she wants to explore a masculine side, let her and support her. The two of you can experience so much together, and if you both keep an open mind it can deepen your relationship in ways you cannot imagine.

I am so happy for you!