Robby's Journey

[Robbyv213]

Yea. At this point I'm not even sure if that would be a good fit, a individual who is transitioning having to lead a store and get people to do as I ask. That and I don't see that I'd even care for the work.

I just feel so stuck in all aspects of my life.

Just got word that my progesterone is on back order till the end of the month, and in response to the letter to help change gender marker the response was that it can be done after our next appointment as this is a new Dr who is taking me on, or I can ask my previous one for it. So at this point Im not even sure who my physician is.

I think I'm at the point of just using my credit card to get hrt and care from a organization like plume or folx, at least with the care they give o can justify going into more debt.

[Robbyv213]

So some hopeful good news. I heard back from h.r. rep and benefits rep for good will they have Cigna and they cover gender affirming care. Hormones and surgery (if you meet requirements).

So that right there i feel is more than enough to try to get this position and get hired, and the pay is a increase over what I already make.

And I did ask my friend about the must be able to go to any location as needed, he said he also asked about that and they said it was up to a maximum of 25 miles from your home address, which I feel isn't bad. I've driven longer distances for work in ca, me and pa.

[Pema]

That's very promising! Good luck!

[Lori Dee ✅]

That sounds good.
Better pay PLUS bennies. Sign me up.

Since it is a management position, I would expect there to be more paperwork than people supervision. Good luck!

[Dances With Trees]

Hi, Robby! It's been ages since we last visited. I took a long and necessary break from day-to-day engagement inside SP. Though I hovered in the hallways, listening intently but speaking little. I am so excited by your employment prospect! Fingers crossed all goes well.   

[Robbyv213]

Thanks everyone. I am truly excited now that I have a potential path forward. But then I can't help but feel doubt. Doubt if I'll be happy in this new position. Doubt if I could actually go forward with any potential future surgical procedures.

As I'm sure many people experience doubt at some point to some extent, wondering if they are on the right path, especially right before any surgery...

My mind races, thinking of all possible imaginable futures. Even though I've been wanting and desiring the big surgery as long as I can remember even if I didn't completely understand what it took to achieve my desire of having female anatomy down there I feel like the wanting and the desire is the only way most people know truly that they are on the right path.

And since it seems like the only procedures that are really 100% covered or have the least red tape to cut our top and bottom surgery I feel like that's a step I may not be ready for even after a few years especially since I always imagined or thought that facial procedures would be my first thing, while saving other areas that people don't necessarily see for later.

I'm just kind of ranting and using talk to text since it's a lot easier for me to get my thoughts out and into this journal. And so because it's not necessarily the path I imagined or expected there's always doubt that creeps in whether or not this is the right path for me or if this is just one path that has revealed itself that may not be the best path if I should wait to see if anything else reveals itself or not hesitate to jump on this opportunity.

I've been doing a lot of reading and soul searching from reading. I just started a new book about doing Shadow work and dissolving ego and truly sitting with what has always been deep inside of you and allowing that ego to fade and dissolve from just sitting with and being present with the things that I've always repressed or buried about myself because these things I felt had to be in order to be accepted or loved or to get a specific job or to have friends or to achieve what I thought to be was considered success from an outward perspective...

And so from these books and videos they say that they're really truly is no wrong choice or right choice every choice is a path that will ultimately lead to the same destination sometimes it's a slight detour sometimes it's more direct. But following how you feel about a choice whether it makes you happy and excited or gives you other feelings that are positive or if it's puts fear and dread and anxiety in you or other negative feelings. Usually from what I've been learning is that your intuition speaks through positive feelings and that's how you know if a specific path forward is a good one or not. Granted there will always be ego and doubt to a extent trying to keep you stuck where you're at because it's a form of protection.

I'm going to continue more research and visit a few stores to see if their managers would let me kind of take a tour with them and then wait a little bit to see how my buddy feels about the job once he finishes his training and then make my choice then. Realistically the switch or change probably won't happen until mid February early March time frame.