Hi, Robby. That's wonderful news about your son! Congratulations to both of you!
I live in Washington State, so feel free to DM me about any of this. One thing I can tell you right off the top is that gender-affirming care for minors is not only legal in Washington, but there are state laws that prohibit discrimination in health care and health insurance for youth and adults. In addition, Washington is a "sanctuary state" meaning that minors are protected by law from the intervention of others from outside the state (estranged parents, for example) to prevent them from accessing GAC. In short, WA is a great place to be transgender, especially western WA, which is truly incredibly inclusive.
As far as coming out to your son, friend, there is no time like the present. You know the saying, "The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is today." When I was in my 20's, I stayed in an abusive relationship for 8 years, telling myself over and over that I needed to end it, but that now would be a terrible time; I should have done it a year earlier. Another year would go by, and I'd think that I should have done it *then*, but that today would be a nightmare. There was never a "right time." I eventually did it because it broke me and I literally couldn't function anymore. We don't have to wait for that to happen to take care of ourselves.
I have to believe that your son would love to have you not only as his supporter but as someone who understands in a unique way what it means to experience what he's going through.
And since it appears that his mother is supportive, that would seem to me to go a long way toward eliminating your (and your wife's) fear that she would pose a risk to you if you were to come out. It's hard to see how your ex can weaponize your gender identity while supporting her child's.
Are you familiar with the parable of the drowning man?
Once upon a time a man was trapped on his rooftop during a massive flood. As the waters rose, a rowboat came by, and the boatman shouted, "Jump in, I'll take you to safety!" The man replied, "No, thanks. God will save me."
The waters kept rising. A motorboat arrived, and the driver called out, "Come on, I'll rescue you!" Again, the man refused, saying, "No, thanks. God will save me."
The floodwaters rose even higher. A helicopter flew overhead, and the pilot lowered a rope ladder, calling, "Grab the ladder, and we'll pull you up!" The man stubbornly refused once more, "No, thanks. God will save me."
Eventually, the water engulfed the house, and the man drowned. When he arrived in heaven, he asked God, "Why didn't You save me?"
God replied, "I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat, and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
Robby, it looks to me like The Universe is handing you some very real opportunities. Sooner or later, you're going to have to choose to take a leap of faith - faith in yourself and in others - and let go of whatever fears are keeping you in a place that you're very clear you don't want to be. There won't be any guarantees that doing so will solve all of your problems, but the most likely way to stay stuck where you are is to keep doing what you're doing.
Your son basically just invited you to come out to him. You have a chance to tell him not only that you're transgender but about the fears that have kept you quiet. We all want our parents to acknowledge that they're ordinary, fallible people just like us. The possibilities for promoting intimacy in your relationship with your child here are truly incalculable.
And it doesn't have to be perfectly staged or worded. Raw and sincere is perfectly fine.
You can do this - the whole thing, Life. You just need to see what you're considering great risks as opportunities to move in a different direction. Life is full of those, and we have to be willing to follow them when they appear.
We love you and we believe in you.
Pema
