Robby's Journey

[davina61]

Yes moving into my flat on my own let me be ME fully, best thing I ever did.

[Robbyv213]

I ended up cancelling all my gym memberships, and in turn replaced them with a planet fitness gym membership. All I hear is how inclusive they are and non judgemental it's supposed to be.

I went to the gym for the first time since before moving, and I was totally going to go as Robin, but when the time came I went as Robby. Even at 3 am at a planet fitness there were people there already training. Not as many as my old gyms but still enough to make me feel I was glad I didn't go as Robin, which made me depressed that I didn't just go as Robin from day one.

[Robbyv213]

@Lori Dee thank you. I think my emotions got the best of me yesterday.

Thanks, the profile pic was the last time I tried to dabble in makeup. That was the picture that I felt I looked the most feminine in out of the 20 or so I took.

I really need to start figuring out makeup and I'll look that I can do relatively easy for every day that I'm not going to work or a easy look to pull together for running errands and going to the gym and what not.

I think that was another big factor as to why I did not try to get all dolled up to go to the gym was because I don't really have much experience in makeup and finding the right look for my features and complexions to allow me to look feminine.

On top of the fact that I was going to the gym and was going to get all sweaty anyways but I need to find a basic simple look that I can throw on in 15 minutes or so or less that I feel gets the job done and allows me to present more feminine than just relying on what HRT is doing for me so far.

Like I said my goal is to ultimately start living life as a woman 100% outside of work. So I guess I need to start putting the time and effort in that aspect or category of transition.

I feel like that in order for me to be taken seriously as a trans woman or for people to think that I'm legitimately transitioning and not just claiming that I am that I need to make more of an effort in learning the makeup skills and putting more effort into my presentation to even be taken seriously.

I'm disappointed that I didn't go to the gym as Robin but at the same time I don't know if I could wear wigs to the gym at this point with how long my hair has gotten without wearing a hat on top or basically gluing it to my forehead or wherever I can glue it to so it doesn't come off while training which would be extremely embarrassing more so than just feeling like an imposter trying to be a woman when even in my own head I feel like I'm just a man in a dress or women's gym clothing or whatever the case may be.

I'm sure the imposter syndrome will ease over time especially as I feel that my features begin to become more feminine from HRT or surgery or whatever the case may be but I definitely don't feel comfortable in situations like even just going to the gym wearing a hat with my long hair and not wearing a lightweight hoodie to cover the fact that I'm wearing a sports bra under my tank top even though I'm wearing relatively tight fitting joggers that sometimes don't leave much for the imagination. Even though I've gotten used to talking while at the gym it's not the most comfortable thing and could potentially cause serious health injuries depending on what I'm doing with my workout. Unfortunately I don't have any baggier pants or shorts that cover up any bulge that I may have. And unfortunately HRT hasn't really done anything in terms of decreasing size in that area either. So Miles may vary but so far there's not a lot of miles on this gal lol.

I just get so pent up with feeling like I need to do something or come out to someone or go out in public as Robin but then when the time comes I chicken out every time. So I'm just disappointed in myself that I haven't been able to do so yet. I wish my dysphoria was stronger to the point to where I can't tolerate it as well as I am but I know that's not a good thing to say and that is definitely a double-edged sword. I know there are many people who struggle with their dysphoria and it has caused them much more pain and discomfort then I feel I am allowed to say I've experienced myself. I'm just saying it that if it was stronger or if it reached a boiling point sooner than I most likely would have been further along in my transition by now by the fact that I would have felt more compelled to come out or present or do a number of things already that I haven't done.

[Robbyv213]

This is my first day back at work. My body is already sore from working half a day so far. Goes to show how much the gym really helped me and my body from being sore all the time from my regular duties at work.

I can't imagine how badly I'd be feeling if I completely quit working out in order to try and reach some unrealistic body goals.

But this half a day has also showed me that I definitely need to do something or find something else that I can start pursuing and educating myself so I can put myself in a better position in the future in terms of changing careers or starting my own business or who knows what.

I definitely don't want to be a mechanic the rest of my life and as I continue to transition in the longer I'm on hormones I can definitely notice that this type of work is taking a toll on my body a lot more than if my body was running on testosterone.

Anyways that's how it's been going so far.

I guess I'm just kind of in limbo trying to figure out what my new daily routine and life is going to be now that I'm living on my own, as well as trying to let things evolve and happen naturally to an extent.

I know God and the universe works in mysterious ways and sometimes like many of you said you just have to start taking the leap of faith and those first steps even when you're not ready to for the rest of the world in the universe to respond.

[Pema]

Robin, as I was reading your updates, I was thinking, "Don't worry about how much you're not doing. Small steps are what it takes. Any small step." And you're already taking some pretty big ones. And then you ended that last post with this:

I know God and the universe works in mysterious ways and sometimes like many of you said you just have to start taking the leap of faith and those first steps even when you're not ready to for the rest of the world in the universe to respond.

That's it. You do what you can when it feels right for you. You don't have to map out the entire trajectory; just the next step, maybe two. Knowing what *doesn't* feel right is important, too, because it helps you consider what might be better. Just stay open to the possibilities.

This is a time of big change in your life, and you're handling it very well, I'd say. Just stay with it and make tweaks where you can. It's really more about all of the small things that add up than it is about doing big things.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I agree with Pema. I think you are handling all of this very well, and even small steps forward are progress.

I am not one to go to the gym (or public swimming pools) for many of the reasons you stated. I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so swimming in human soup or using a locker room is just a NO for me. However, there is nothing intimidating about donning a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to swim in a creek or lake that offers more privacy.

I don't need to be indoors and lift metal weights when I am shoveling and carrying buckets of wet gravel. There are many ways to work out. And since I am working in a creek anyway, I take a dip to cool off. I am in the woods with no one around to see me.

My point is that you don't need to do things the same way. Robby would go to the gym and work out. Maybe Robin prefers a different way to keep fit, like bicycle riding, jogging, or even something less strenuous. You will find your groove; you just need to keep your mind open to possibilities other than what you are used to.

I learned makeup from watching YouTube videos. You can search for the exact question you want answered, and someone out there will show you how to do it. I also learned that what I like on others does not work on me. I love the whole smoky eyes look. But on me, I look like an old, drunken raccoon.

You don't need to rush. Take your time and experiment. Get cheap makeup at the Dollar Store until you find what you need. Then spend the money on better quality products. Most women have spent years practicing their look. You won't master it in a month.

Another thing I found helpful is the Face Swap apps that do a gender swap. Take a photo of Robby's face, then do a Face Swap and take another photo. Now compare the two. What changed? Was it a skin blemish that got smoothed out? That is good to know. Was it the eyebrow shape? Lash length? Lip color? Make notes of the changes you like. Then experiment to see how they look on Robin.

Have fun with it.

[Moonflower]

Robin, I've been away for a while as my wife and I assessed the status of our safety as LGBTQIA and decided to move to a different country.

Wow! You're living in a different land now, compared to when we last talked! I'm so happy for you! I feel and sympathize with your fears. Such big changes! Such surges in your path forward! Such strong energy propelling you to a healthier state of being! And, of course, doubts when you get tired and need to feel your feet firmly on the ground for a minute or two. You're doing great, letting yourself grieve what you're giving up, and responding to the pull of where you want to be.

Thanks for continuing to share your journey here. It's exciting, inspiring, and reminiscent of what we've all been through, or aspire to experience. Thanks for sharing so generously.

I'm thrilled that you have a son in Washington state. I have a daughter near Seattle. She hoped that we would feel safe moving there, assuring us that trans people are strong there and won't let laws interfere with their rights, but we needed to move to an even more progressive environment. We are glad to be here in Uruguay.

When you're feeling cautious, know that we all here at Susan's are cheering you on, appreciating your need to rest and reassess every now and then.

Our best wishes for your happiness are always with you.

[davina61]

I was "lucky" and managed to get a job as mostly a vehicle inspector after 40 years as a mechanic, I was finding modern cars hard to work on in my 60s . Now as I am 71 tomorrow I am building another street rod, 5 or 6 hrs a day is enough now. The universe guided me to the right path with things turning up at the right time so I say go with the flow and something will turn up, best of luck XX.

[Stottie Girl]

I agree with Pema. I think you are handling all of this very well, and even small steps forward are progress.

I am not one to go to the gym (or public swimming pools) for many of the reasons you stated. I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so swimming in human soup or using a locker room is just a NO for me. However, there is nothing intimidating about donning a pair of shorts and a t-shirt to swim in a creek or lake that offers more privacy.

I don't need to be indoors and lift metal weights when I am shoveling and carrying buckets of wet gravel. There are many ways to work out. And since I am working in a creek anyway, I take a dip to cool off. I am in the woods with no one around to see me.

My point is that you don't need to do things the same way. Robby would go to the gym and work out. Maybe Robin prefers a different way to keep fit, like bicycle riding, jogging, or even something less strenuous. You will find your groove; you just need to keep your mind open to possibilities other than what you are used to.

I learned makeup from watching YouTube videos. You can search for the exact question you want answered, and someone out there will show you how to do it. I also learned that what I like on others does not work on me. I love the whole smoky eyes look. But on me, I look like an old, drunken raccoon.

You don't need to rush. Take your time and experiment. Get cheap makeup at the Dollar Store until you find what you need. Then spend the money on better quality products. Most women have spent years practicing their look. You won't master it in a month.

Another thing I found helpful is the Face Swap apps that do a gender swap. Take a photo of Robby's face, then do a Face Swap and take another photo. Now compare the two. What changed? Was it a skin blemish that got smoothed out? That is good to know. Was it the eyebrow shape? Lash length? Lip color? Make notes of the changes you like. Then experiment to see how they look on Robin.

Have fun with it.

Yeah I can't get away with smokey eyes either. I look like I've been in a fight!

I would concur absolutely with You Tube. It is an excellent resource. You can really narrow in on a particular technique and someone will have put on the perfect routine for you. It's fun. If you can, try a different look each evening and you will start to figure out what works for you. Only change one thing at a time though otherwise it's hard to judge which change made the difference. Oh and take a selfie each time so you have a record if you need to refer back (plus it's really funny looking back at your early attempts!)

[Dawn Kellie]

Wow!!!
Moving to a different country. That's a huge leap. I admire your strength.  I thought moving to a new state was a leap.

[Lori Dee ✅]

My ex went back to school to become a mechanic. She really enjoyed it. A few weeks before graduating, she received a job offer from Etnyre. They build tanker trucks. The semis with insulated tanks on the back for carrying hot liquids, like tar for road work. Not exactly mechanical work, but she enjoyed it and made good money.

Just keep your mind open to possibilities.

[Robbyv213]

Thanks everyone

[Robbyv213]

I went to the gym today the most feminine I've ever dared to. Basically meaning I just wore my wig, no make up, and my usual clothes of women's joggers, sports bra, racer back tank and a light weight hoodie that I rarely ever take off.

I finally did, and yet I felt out of place the entire time. There was only 4 people there at 3 am and I still felt very out of place...

I also have been struggling with figuring out what my path forward is in terms of my goals for my figure. It would be easy to just say I'll be a muscular woman, but that's not what I want.

I want what every one typically wants. To pass and to have the best feminine figure I can possibly achieve. Which means having to let go of bodybuilding and the way I love to train (at least for upper body.)

Its been hard. I have so much anxiety about what I'm going to do in the gym and or how ill even train everyday. I want that feminine figure, but I feel every workout I do that is not lower body isolated is a step backwards... But I don't get the same mental benefits of just doing Pilates or focusing on light weights cardio core and stretching for upper body. I know transition is definitely just a different kind of bodybuilding but it's not the same as the bodybuilding I believe I love.

I'm having a hard time unpacking this. Is fitness and bodybuilding something that is authentic, or is it part of the mask I wore.
Was I so obsessed with the gym and trying to bodybuild bc I thought it would help me repress being trans, or was it legitimately a passion and authentically me...

I have never felt at home anywhere I've lived, even in all my relationships I've been in over the years. I've always felt like a visitor even in my own home bc I knew the relationship would not last bc it was built on me saying I was a normal guy. The only place I have ever felt at home at is in the gym. I could walk into any gym in the world and be instantly at home and feel right. Like this is where I'm meant to be. Which brings me to another point... And that is there is so much going on that has disrupted my normal, and what sense of home and belonging I remotely had with my wife and our previous living arrangements, at least the. I had the gym to call home, and now i am on my own, and now the gym is feeling less and less like home.

I know I don't need to go to the gym, but training at home or walking or running outside doesn't hit the same. Plus most of the year it's too hot to do anything outside unless your going to the pool or lake.

But lately now I have lost that as well. Going to the gym now is something that has been adding stress to me since I feel Im not moving in the right direction in terms of my training.

I honestly don't know how to let it go...

There is also a certain amount of safety that I have learned comes with being a bigger guy with muscles. I learned really quick as a kid that once I started hitting the gym I got picked on less and less. I know being a muscular woman will only bring attention to myself since I won't fit the mold, but I would imagine if I have feminine features (like after fss or other surgeries) that most people wouldn't go out of there way to be openly aggressive towards me unless they're in a crowd and feel that other people will have their back.

I feel like I've made progress in years of just seeing the number on the scale get smaller. But I still don't like what I see in the mirror, not even close. I think I wouldn't mind it as much if I had more muscle and was leaner than I am now weighing what I currently way. I feel all I have done is now become a "skinny fat" male.

I have always had the gym as my one place, my sanctuary. It was always my rock. I honestly believe it along with bodybuilding has saved my life many times over. I fairly certain that I would have found an exit strategy sooner in life if I didn't have the gym and bodybuilding and fitness.

I'm scared bc I don't know if I can transition if I lose all that I have gotten from the gym.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Robin,

What you are saying makes perfect sense. A therapist can help you figure out if this was a facade used as a defense mechanism (it could be) or if fitness is just something you enjoy for other reasons. If it is something you enjoy, don't give it up, just adjust.

Since you are already comfortable in that environment, maybe there is another option. Can they point you to a female Personal Trainer who could help you focus on what you want to achieve? It isn't about learning things you already know. It is more about a connection with someone who shares your vision of fitness from a female perspective. She might be able to guide you in a direction that you find fulfilling.

I realize that this would mean coming out to a stranger and telling them your goals. That can be scary. Is there a local LGBTQ group nearby who might know a trainer that you could connect with? Again, it isn't about learning stuff you already know. It is about training with someone who can help. Safety in numbers.

[Stottie Girl]

Robby, women use the gym too you know! You don't have to give it up at all. You just change the type of excercises you do. Women do a lot more cardio it seems to me so things like the treadmill, cross trainer or stepper. They do weight train but it is with far lighter weights and just for toning not body building (though there are exceptions). The likelihood is you would maybe be best to avoid the weights for a while until your muscle mass diminishes a bit then re-introduce a weights regime at a much lower level. I think women tend to do different types of weights too so you could switch to squats and things to firm up the butt and thighs. That will help when fat re-distribution starts to take hold.

Also, women tend to do classes when excercising you could do things like Zumba or step aerobics or spin classes but maybe initially try circuit training. That seems to be popular with girls this side of the pond.

I would also recomend Yoga or Pilates. You can do that at home if you don't want to do a class. Women are more flexible and Yoga can really help. It's also nice to do it en femme. it's really relaxing too almost medative.

I'm not a lover of gyms so don't know what the likelihood is of being accepted into a womens only session or gym but that might be a better environment for you. Obviously you wouldn't be able to change there though.

[Robbyv213]

Thanks. I wish there was a way to sort through all this without having to spend a fortune and talk with a therapist everyday till the end of time. Lol.

@Lori Dee sometimes I feel it's easier to come out to a stranger especially if it's someone you know you.wont ever see again.

And I guess Its not so much a matter of having to learn new things or a different way to train, since I know many different styles, programs and exercises to know what each does specifically for the body or specific muscles to target individually

I feel for me this is more of which do I want more, and what can I be ok to live without so to speak.

I like having muscles and being strong, especially when I'm leaner and can see the results of the hard work, but I also want a feminine figure and body, and to be a woman and be perceived as a woman.

So which do I want more being strong and having muscles and the health benefits from that style of working out and bodybuilding, or do I want all the feminine things more.

Can I live without the bodybuilding and being more muscular than the average person for a more feminine figure.

Honestly I think I'd want to try for both... But I don't know if that's just because I can't see a version of myself post transition and being more feminine. I used to think that I'd love to be perceived as a female body builder. But now I don't know if that's bc I couldn't see past that version of myself. So I figured the best I'd be able to achieve is a very muscular woman or a woman that looks like she is on steroids.

But again is that a bi product of the mask or not. Would I be better with having muscles and having a more masculine body if I had fss, breast augmentation and srs? I don't know.

Am I holding onto the fitness and bodybuilding as an excuse just in case I feel my transition is failing and at least I wouldn't have all that far to go to get back to where I was before I started to transition.

Sometimes I feel like Im trying to transition with one foot in the door just in case.

Or am I just over thinking like I do everything.

I know even female bodybuilders who are on steroids get a lot of hate as well from the world. But at least they're women. You know.

I do agree that finding a female gym buddy might help me with seeing a different perspective on this .


You all have some great ideas and advice.

[Robbyv213]

And sadly with having to move I am even more in debt that I was before.

So my next therapy session is in the beginning of May. I'm hoping once things get back to normal and I pay down my credit cards some from moving expenses, that I'll be able to put more money towards therapy or other things like laser or transition related stuff

[Stottie Girl]

Well it's not my cup of tea but there is nothing wrong with being a female bodybuilder Robby. But I think it isn't what you would imagine a typical toned female body would look like so it may boil down to a choice.

I have lost a lot of strength from back when I was a heating engineer, lifting heavy boilers and tools all day to the point where I struggled to get a lid off a jar the other week! I don't miss it though. It sort of feels right and I like the fact my muscles have lost definition. I look at my arms now and all I see are female arms, none of the bicep definition I used to have.

Talk it over with your therapist and make sure you are on the right path for you.

[Dawn Kellie]

One of my coworker's wife is a power lifter. I've seen her at our Christmas party, she is very feminine

[davina61]

Not working full time I have lost a lot of upper arm strength, fore arms still okay using the grinder and cutting up and shaping body work .When it comes time to do the body filler I will gain a bit more!!