Robby's Journey

[Lori Dee ✅]

Glad to hear it, Robyn!

Thanks for checking in. We missed you.

Hugs!

[Stottie Girl]

Hey Robby hope you're doing OK, was wondering where you'd got to!

[Robbyv213]

Hey everyone just a quick update.

I guess I'm doing okay. It's been about 2 and 1/2 months since my wife and I separated I started living on her own. It's kind of been hit or miss whether or not I've been good mentally or not in the beginning. I think my wife and I both are getting used to life without each other. Especially me not having the family around.

Will try to get together every now and again so that the animals that we each took get to have play dates. Every once in awhile I'll be invited over to my wife's house for something or other and it always seems like it destroys me the next few days afterwards. Like I've lost my family and even though they say that I haven't lost them they're still a very obvious shift in the way they talk and act around me now. Which I guess is to be expected since we're all trying to move forward as best we can.

Have been trying to fall into a routine I guess but my mind seems to be scattered in what direction I want to commit to. I still feel very much stuck in one place. Having to continue to be Robert at work and then try to be Robin outside of work is exhausting.

I've been trying to find other forms of employment for insurance reasons and nothing seems to be happening or moving in that aspect. Had another interview with REI but nothing is come of it. And like I said it's already been 2 months or so and I only have 10 more months until my lease is up so at what point do I decide to just stick out the rest of my time at my current job so that I can hopefully save up enough money to move to Washington without selling everything I own to do it.

On one hand I very much want to try and move to Washington to be closer to my child but I'm very much burnt out of being a mechanic and working at my dealership. Granted since my wife and I have been separated I feel like there is a weight that has been lifted and that I feel like I'm kind of getting back to being more of a optimistic and positive person like I was before being in a relationship with my wife. So in that aspect I feel work has become a bit more tolerable mainly because of my shift in my mindset. But like I said my work doesn't provide insurance and I feel it would still very much be a hostile place to try and transition at.

So I'm torn between trying to decide if I should stay put and hope I am able to save enough money to move to Washington or if I should jump on the first job that comes my way that has insurance that covers gender affirming care. I think if I had insurance I would most likely transition as fast as the insurance would allow me to....

And then there's the constant struggle of trying to decide whether or not I want to try and get a small as I can with my figure or staying where I'm at roughly give or take a little bit of size. Which is a dilemma because it's two very different approaches to try and achieve those different outcomes.

So I feel basically since my wife and I have separated that I've been stuck not being able to decide and commit in one particular direction or goal to help me move forward in achieving the bigger goal of transitioning.

Like I said I do feel I have had a mental shift to where I feel that I am more positive and being more grateful for things then being in a negative mindset. But even with that I still have bad days like anyone else.

So that's basically it and how things have been going

[Lori Dee ✅]

Thanks for checking in, Robin.

You are still going through the adjustment phase. It takes time, and you'll get there. You seem to have a positive outlook on it. I have found that if I need to decide on something and there are not a lot of options, the best thing to do is wait. Situations change, opportunities come and go. When the right one shows up, you'll know it, and you will be ready.

Good to hear from you again!

[davina61]

I find things come to me at the right time, I am sure something will turn up for you.

[Robbyv213]

I attended a trans friendly pool party put on by the local support group here. It was an effort to not talk myself out of going the entire week before hand even though I already paid for my ticket...

Finally I decide the day before that I was going to no matter what. Then I wake up the day of the pool party with a killer headache. It finally subsided by noon so I was able to catch the afternoon/evening portion of the pool party. Sadly my headache did return after a few hours which was my excuse to leave and go home since I didn't want to be out late on a Sunday.

As for the event itself I could not complain. It was nice. I basically hide from the sun under a pool side umbrella since I burn in minutes even with sunscreen. I didn't know anyone and I barely spoke to anyone, but there were a few familiar faces from the group that I recognized from my one or two times going to the support group meetings. The water was nice. It was nice to wear a bikini and be pool side and go swimming.

All in all it was good. I wish I lived closer so I can attend more events like these, and hopefully make new friends with in the community. Definitely good for the soul doing something that felt affirming and right. I wish these things happened more often (events that cause joy and affirmation). They seem to be few and far in-between especially early on in transition.

[Robbyv213]

As I feel I am settling into my new environment and new routine my wife is having a rough go of it. And it's hard to not feel bad bc everything happened bc I chose to move forward with transition, or at least thats how it feels for me.

I know a lot more went into it than that, and alot of it was out of our control, but somethings were.

Anyways even though we're separated and moving forward it's really hard for me to not try to get involved in what's going on with her and all the things that seem to be going wrong for her. We're still married and we still both care about each other (which I feel we always will).

I feel like I'm finally at peace. No more anxiety, no more constant as stress from a home life than is always on edge. Finally moving forward even if it's babysteps. And then she tells me all the stuff going wrong in her life and everything. I worry that she would do something really drastic if she didn't have her daughter she had to take care of.

I know everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that this is setting her up for something better in the long run, but it's hard to not help or offer the same help once would. I fear it's only going to get worse for her in the near future, even more things boiling over in all aspects of her life. I don't know if it's karma she is paying for from another life or the universe is really trying to get her to learn a lesson or to make a change that is more in alignment with her soul.

 She is trying so hard to hold onto everything and life just keeps throwing more and more at her. I think before the end she will lash out and things will get ugly, that her mind will tell her a story and that everything happening is my fault even though I'm not there anymore physically in her life, or at least that's what my mind is expecting and trying to prepare me for. I hope that won't be the case. 

I feel bad that she's going through all this, and life has gotten harder for her while life is finally feeling hopeful for me, and good things are happening even if they're small. I'm not by any means saying I don't go through bad days either but it just seems like it's constant non stop for her. Something is always going wrong or being thrown at her. I feel bad that apart of me is glad im on my own and I'm not having to deal with her stuff. A part of me thinks that I lost my inner peace from always trying to give in anyway I could to make what ever was going wrong in her life better.

I don't know. I'm just rambling at this point... This has been on my mind so I wanted to get rid of the energy by making thoughts real.