Robby's Journey

[Lori Dee ✅]

That is gross incompetence. What if it killed you? Oops doesn't cut it.

I wonder if there is another formulation that uses cottonseed oil like my estradiol injections. I hope they can find something for you that works and is not dangerous.

[Robbyv213]

Good morning..I hope you're all doing well.
It's been a little bit since I've posted.

I woke up this morning to go to the gym, and I found a old fire safe box out with some files pulled out sitting on the table. Opened the files really quick and they were the old divorce papers between my wife and her ex. I feel she is reminding herself of the process to file.

It's weird... Like we both knew it was going to go this way. But it still hits hard, still hurts even though you try to mentally prepare for it. Try to make yourself hard so it doesn't bother you but it does.

[Pema]

I'm sorry, Robin. Still, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion before having a conversation with her about it. It's possible that revisiting it brought up other feelings in her - like not wanting to do that now. Anything is *still* possible.

No matter where she is, you are you, and only you determine your inner experience. Life remains full of possibilities for you.

I'm thinking of you both.

[Lori Dee ✅]

I'm sorry, Robby. It is always painful when a relationship fades.

We can only hope that it will be for the best for everyone involved. My philosophy is to let things go, rather than force them to remain in a state of discomfort. Try to take comfort in knowing that she will be happier if she moves on, and you will have the opportunity to start living your life as you see fit.

It doesn't make it easier, but try to see the positive that may come from it.

Hugs.

[Robbyv213]

It's been awhile... Just really checking in. I still alive.

Life has been life. Getting burned out of it all. Work life, life life. Just everything.

Some days things will be great, no amount of negativity can touch my heart and soul and then the very next day, the slightest smallest thing will ruin the entire day, and days to follow.

I feel like I have no purpose in life honestly. All I ever wanted to do was join the Marine corps and be a United States Marine. I did that and survived it to my surprise and now I'm stuck here in the real world not having a purpose and no clue what to do because I honestly felt I didn't think I would live this long.

I always had some kind of passion for cars and whatnot a little bit of mechanical skill in my blood and so I decided to go to universal technical institute to learn enough just to pursue working on my own cars as a hobby on the weekend or what not.

But because I went to the trade school when I was I don't know maybe 25 years old or so maybe 28 it was very easy to excel because all you really had to do was show up and be on time have a good attendance and keep a average and the school basically throws incentives that you to sign up for more specialized training and that's what I did I ended up going for Mercedes-Benz specific training and again school and school school is easy. I guess I just never figured it would turn out this way and go this long with me now working as a Mercedes-Benz technician for the last few years always seeming to come back to a Mercedes dealership because it was safe and easy and it's what I have the most experience in.

But I absolutely hate it I feel there are many factors right now in my life that are making me feel just absolutely miserable. One of which is working a job I despise working a job that makes me not want to wake up in the morning or hoping that I get into an accident on the way to work or something and I just don't want to do it anymore I'm extremely burnt out of my work life.

Now granted I'm probably feeling that way because I'm extremely out of alignment in my regular life and my non-work life. I'm still not socially out I'm trying to do whatever little things I can to honor my womanhood and femininity but I'm stuck still having to sacrifice myself and make myself smaller for everyone else in my immediate household family. Mainly my wife because I don't know why. She has a reason and I know she doesn't want this aspect of me to be exposed to her daughter my step daughter who is a sophomore in high school.

And so my home life marriage life work life just about everything in my life is out of alignment and out of balance and I'm just getting extremely burnt out and I'm starting not to see the point of life or existing anymore because why live life or exist if you can't even live the life or even try to live the life that you want because you have to sacrifice for your loved ones and your marriage, or so that's what we've been conditioned all our lives to think anyways.

So I don't know everyday I keep getting to the point of getting so worked up that I want to walk into my boss's office and just quit on the spot but I have no clue what I would do. I don't have any other real work experience to really be a legitimate candidate anywhere else in any other industry that I could even start working and making a decent wage. I know whatever I do I'm going to take a pay cut and it's something I'm going to have to deal with but I don't know what direction I'd even want to go in.

Like I said basically all my life ever since I knew I wanted to join the Marine corps I didn't expect myself to survive the Marine corps. I fully expected that I was going to die overseas in Iraq or Afghanistan because that's what I wanted to do. Growing up playing video games and watching movies and TV shows about war and the military and how such an honor it is to serve one's country and to die for your country and your fellow brother in arms. I joined the Marine corps straight out of high school and I joined the infantry active duty in 2005. I fully expected to go to boot camp and then infantry training battalion and then gets shipped right overseas and most likely die within the first year or maybe two years of my enlistment in the Marines. That obviously didn't happen I'm still here and now I'm 38 years old having a midlife crisis or whatever you want to call it because I haven't been living my life authentically my entire life and so now like most experts say usually in your mid to late 30s or early 40s people go through a crisis mentally because they just can't live their life out of balance anymore and everything changes fades away falls away sheds and then they supposedly come out the other end who they're really meant to be and more aligned with who they are.

I guess that's kind of where I'm at somewhere in that gray area of a midlife crisis but then I don't really necessarily want to call it that because me transitioning and wanting to start embracing the woman that I knew I was my entire life isn't a midlife crisis or anything of the sort that would suggest a mental breakdown or I guess anything that's really wrong with me or that happened to me to cause me to be the way I am. So with all that being said I feel like I am getting to the boiling point and it excites me and scares me at the same time because I don't know what is going to happen when that final straw breaks the camel's back.

I don't know if it means I'm going to come out socially 100% And just say f* it jump on the grenade and see what's left after it goes off or if it means I'm going to attempt to become part of the infamous 22 a day statistic and club of veterans who take their lives every single day or something in between.

I just know that I can't keep going on the way I'm going on. And I know whatever I do is most likely going to cause a reversible damage to obviously either myself or my loved ones and relationships.

As of right now my wife and I are I'm not even sure how to put it... We live everyday being polite and nice to one another doing small things for each other trying to be thoughtful and just what you think picture perfect relationships consist of. But it's far from that honestly. I'm not even sure the last time my wife and I were physically intimate probably at least 6 months ago. And so there's so much that goes in with that as well so many things that the lack of physical intimacy is making my wife think and jump to conclusions the lack of communication between us and the communication that does happen just becomes finger pointing and defensive arguments.

And I don't know it's I'm just ready for it all to f** end already honestly. I'm exhausted in all aspects that anyone could be exhausted in. And I just don't want to do it anymore.

Don't worry everyone this is not a cry for help. I'm just needing to journal and vent and get all this built up energy out by talking it out loud and journaling it on here.

Well that's all for now it's early and I need to get all my stuff ready for another groundhog's Day at work and in my life in general because let's face it at this point it's groundhog's Day everyday some days are better than others most of the time it's just all exhausting s*, all because we have to make money and stay slaves to the billionaires that run the world so it's time for me to go back to my cotton fields.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hi Robby,

Thanks for checking in. I've been wondering how things are going with you.

I know the feelings you are having, because I was there myself. I'd like to share some things with you.

First, career-wise, sometimes the more specialized your training, the fewer opportunities you think you have. You can feel trapped because the field gets narrower and narrower.

Back in 1971, my father was an Electronics Engineer working for NASA. He encouraged me to get into electronics because discoveries are being made every day. I predicted then that computers were the way of the future. I knew then that one day there would be a computer in every household, so I went to college studying Computer Science. I studied computer programming languages like COBOL, FORTRAN, BASIC, and Pascal. While I was still in school, new languages were being developed, and I couldn't keep up. Then Microsoft came out with Windows.

I decided to get away from the software side and focus on hardware. Home computers became popular, and I realized that the future lies in robotics. For the next three years, I studied Robotics & Industrial Controls. I had to change my major because Robotics wasn't covered under Computer Science. I had to broaden my major to Electronics Technology because Computer Science was too narrow a field. I was never able to find a job in Computers or Robotics. I went to work installing security systems. My training in general electronics served me well in that field.

My ex-wife worked for Motorola's cell phone division. They closed the plant, leaving her unemployed. She decided that she wanted to be an auto mechanic. Her thinking was that people love their cars and will always own one if possible. She went to college and got her degree in Automotive Technology. While still in school, she was offered a good job from a company that builds insulated tanks that semis use to haul hot liquids. It was an excellent job with great pay and benefits. It just had very little to do with being an "auto mechanic".

I suspect that you are feeling like you have all this training as a Mercedes Tech; therefore, your only options are to work at a dealership or open your own shop. Broaden your horizon. You understand how cars work, how they are assembled, and the problems customers have. That can apply to many other fields. Like my ex-wife, you do not necessarily need to work on cars because you understand mechanics in general.

I think that you are correct that the reason you are feeling exhausted is that your life is out of alignment. I was there too. I had recently divorced, was retired on disability, and moved to South Dakota, where no one knew me. A fresh start. And yet, I was still unhappy, or more like dissatisfied with my life. That is what motivated me to get into therapy to figure out what was going on with me, which led to my diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria.

If you could forget everything and everyone else for a moment and just picture what a happy life looks like to you, what would it look like? Do not consider other people for this. What is it that you want to do? How do you want to live that life?

I did this exercise and decided to move to South Dakota. I spent about three years developing a plan. Originally, my wife and I were going together. We scouted towns, jobs, and housing, and developed a plan. We were going to live the life we envisioned. Six months before our moving date, she decided she wasn't going and wanted to stay with an old boyfriend. I had some options. I could stay and try to convince her to come with me, or I could go and live my life. I gave her time to decide, then packed up and followed my plan. Once I got settled, I filed for divorce.

Living your life the way you want to live it is not impossible. You will struggle with other people who want to hold you back because it suits them. I'm not saying you need to pack up and move to South Dakota. But you can start thinking about a plan to start living your life the way you want to. Look at job opportunities, maybe in a different city. Not necessarily wrenching on cars, but what about maintenance in a factory that has machines? Broaden your horizon, and you will be surprised by what is out there. Use your military training to supplement your income. Work part-time for a security company doing special events.

Find ways, like some of our members do, to carve out some Me-Time so you can be yourself. You are exhausted because you are constantly fighting against the way things are, and you need a break to just relax and be yourself. Even if it is just a short break. Take a day, or a weekend, and go camping or rent a hotel room by yourself. Just take a drive and do some shopping. Any little thing you can do to feel better will help.

I hope you understand that there is a path forward; you just don't see it yet. As the old saying goes, "When you are up to your ass in alligators, it is hard to remember that your mission was to drain the swamp." Focus on your mission. You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else. You give so much to others, but if you don't look after yourself, you will have no more to give. It is not selfish to do so. It is necessary. Those who love you will want you to be happy, no matter what that means.

Be happy.

Hugs!

[Pema]

Hi, Robin. I'm glad you're back and feel comfortable venting here. It's good to let those things out.

I know you said you're not asking for help, but I hope you won't mind my sharing a couple of observations and questions.

I've been in periods of my life where I've felt and said very similar things to what you're saying. What is even the point of living if this is what life is? And more than once. You can get through one of those stretches, feel like everything is going your way, and then find yourself back there again. The lesson I try to carry with me from those experiences is that my life isn't going to automatically steer itself toward what I want, and nobody else is going to do it, either. It's up to me to drive this thing, which means putting the time and work into figuring out who I am, what my values are, what I want to experience, accomplish, and create in this lifetime, coming up with a plan (or at the very least a next step), and moving forward with it. A key to all of this has been to be observant with regard to how things unfold and be willing to re-evaluate and adjust the plan. Not give up, but adjust.

So when I read your post today, one of my first questions was the same as Lori's:

If you could forget everything and everyone else for a moment and just picture what a happy life looks like to you, what would it look like? Do not consider other people for this. What is it that you want to do? How do you want to live that life?

I can't emphasize enough how important this is. You are literally the only person who has any chance of knowing what might bring you peace and contentment. Given how hopeless things feel to you right now, it may be that your answer today is "I've got nothing," and that's OK. But Robin, it's in there; you just have to find it. What that's meant for me has been to love myself enough to say, "I deserve to be happy. I deserve for someone to care about what brings me joy - and I have to be that person." I won't lie to you; it's hard work to set aside all of the conditioning we've internalized about who we are, who we aren't, what we can and can't do, what our lives can and can't be. But it's absolutely possible. We are capable of so much more, but we have to believe it to dig ourselves out of that pit. First we have to love ourselves enough to devote that hard work to ourselves. Keeping other people happy won't do it, and it doesn't even seem to keep them happy, does it?

When we start doing that for ourselves, not only do we feel more vibrant, but the people around us notice. They may or may not be pleased by the change, but it will still serve as a template for them for a more empowered, more growth-oriented way of being. Some will cheer you on, some will join you and make changes in their own lives, new opportunities will appear. And yes, some may prefer to stay stuck in their own misery and want you to stay there with them. But again, the base question is: How do we actually want to live our lives - passively or actively?

I think a good counselor could really help you sort through what's more and less important in the jumble of things that you feel are blocking your path to peace and possibly guide you toward building a plan for making incremental changes. I hope you're able to access that kind of help.

I also want to echo Lori's sentiments that your skills are much more broadly applicable than you realize. I won't bore you with my personal anecdotes, but I've been through a few diverse career phases. Here again, though, the key is putting in the work to explore possibilities that might even seem ridiculous. When I was in school, I wrote more than 200 letters to all kinds of places telling them who I was, what my hopes and dreams were, and asking whether there might be a place for me at their organization. I didn't get a job from any of them, but I did get several really thoughtful replies saying that they really admired what I was trying to do, encouraging me to keep at it, and wishing me well. That at least told me I was on the right track. Eventually I found people who recognized that my real value as a worker/friend/partner wasn't the job I'd been doing for the past however many years, but the person that I am and my capacity to learn, grow, and inspire others to do the same. And those people are exactly kind of people we want to have in our lives. I had to repeat this process a couple of other times in my work life, and the same kind of open exploration revealed the new path.

I'm a hardcore gardener. I love plants of all kinds, and I'll try to grow almost anything if it has even the slightest chance of surviving where I live. I'm also something of a cheapskate, so I usually buy seeds instead of plants. For a couple of bucks I could end up with 50 plants. If nothing happens, I'm only out a couple of bucks. I collect seeds and take cuttings from plants when I'm hiking and backpacking (and at friend's houses). I plant a truly absurd number of things every year. A lot of them don't make it, and sometimes that hurts because I'd really wanted to see that thing thriving in my garden. But a huge number of them - including some that I thought were impossible - do thrive. I'm frequently surprised by plants that I don't recognize and don't even remember planting, and then I figure out, "Oh, wow. I know what that is. I forgot all about that. I gave up on that 2 years ago."

I live my life in a very similar way. I plant lots of "seeds," not betting that each thing will be successful, but hoping that it may create an opportunity for me or maybe for someone else. Some things go nowhere, some go sort of where I thought they might, and some go in directions I'd never imagined. But it gives me choices. My biggest "problem" is that there are only so many years in a life and hours in a day, and I can't possibly do all of the things I'd love to do - so I have to choose. That just brings me right back to having to dig deep inside myself and figure out what it is that I really want. We can't escape it.

Creating and maintaining a fulfilling life is work. But it can be a labor of love. Robin, you've shown me what's in your heart. I know you can give love to yourself and nurture yourself to live a life that you find rewarding.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Eventually I found people who recognized that my real value as a worker/friend/partner wasn't the job I'd been doing for the past however many years, but the person that I am and my capacity to learn, grow, and inspire others to do the same.

This is exactly it.

I applied for a job as an alarm installer with no experience at all. The company was about four blocks from my house, and I was tired of commuting an hour each way into Chicago to work as a bill collector. I hated it.

At my interview, after explaining that I have no experience, but I am book-smart in electronics, the boss said they were looking for someone with experience. I said that I felt that was a mistake. He looked surprised. I said that if he hires someone with experience, even lots of experience, they will also have their set way of doing things, maybe even bad habits. You will still spend time and money training them to work the way you want them to work.

I have no experience in pulling wires and mounting alarm panels. So if you teach me how, that will be the only way I know, and you can be sure the job is done to your standards.

He told me I can start work on Monday.

Nobody can take away what you already know, degree or no degree. Employers can train you and are willing to do so. They want someone with whom they can work, who is a decent person, and not a problem for them. Just be yourself.

[Robbyv213]

Thank you for all the advice and suggestions.

The million-dollar question that seems to be the one I have no answer to Is what does a happy meaningful purposeful life look like for me. And I know that it's okay to not have the answer but for as long as I can remember I never had an answer to that question. Even as a child and a kid I only ever saw up to joining the military but even before I joined there was no other ideas or thoughts of what I could even think of or remotely think of that be a happy life to me. So I don't know if I'll honestly ever be able to answer that question since that's the question I've been struggling with my entire life.

I just don't know. Sometimes I feel or wonder and think about that's maybe I'm just a soulless vessel that mimics The human experience for everyone else that's here in this life but the fact that I can't see imagine her picture a future that makes me happy and want to strive for that I genuinely feel is coming from me and not some other misguided notion of what I think someone else would think is cool or what I think would look and seen like a good job from the outside or anything like that I just don't know... Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm a narcissist or somebody that can't feel empathy towards other humans or I don't even know like the fact that I feel like I'm not able to truly love or feel love towards or from anyone.

I don't know if it's one of those things that I have to figure out how to love myself before I can love someone else and feel loved by someone else or what the case may be or like I said that maybe I'm just a computer program that's in The matrix for all the other people that are actually plugged In The matrix and not just some zeros and ones that don't really have a consciousness...

A part of me wonders if I'll ever be truly sure about anything in life. All aspects from things I say I like to do in my off time or my hobbies or transition related or just anything and everything or if it's all just things I've convinced myself that I am even though I'm not.

 So yeah there's that.





Another news I finally got a response from my endocrinologist about the progesterone and the fact that it has an ingredient that I'm allergic to. His initial response was that I can either continue taking it because I haven't had a reaction to it, or I can switch to another type of progesterone which is also taken orally but that progesterone itself is less safe than the one I'm on and has an increased risk of cardiac and heart problems.

He said that the VA does not offer any other forms of progesterone and that's basically my options if I wanted to continue taking progesterone.

So I did email him back and wrote a very long message about trying to figure out what all my options are if I'm staying on progesterone what other options there are other than just the two because I couldn't believe that there was only just two options for the progesterone or if we were to stop progesterone what would replace it to keep my testosterone levels in check or you know just everything give me all my options and possible paths forward just so I can make the most informed choice out of all of them.

And today basically I got a message back saying that I can stay on the progesterone I'm on now or I can switch to the one that has increased heart issues or I can go back to just estrogen only therapy and those were my only options....

So with that being said I'm starting to feel as if I need to contact my patient's advocate again and see if they can put a foot in someone's butt or I don't know if it's just misunderstanding with communication because it's through email or maybe it's just the way this doctor is and that's all he's willing to do or that's all the VA has to offer I'm not sure.

But I almost feel at this point it might be better to ultimately just pay out of pocket for hormones going through an online provider like plume or folks or any number of those companies or try my luck at planned Parenthood since I have no other insurance other than my VA healthcare so I definitely couldn't go see a specialist in my area that is worth their weight.

Open enrollment is finally coming back around and I've been trying to inquire whether or not my employer offers any policies that actually cover any form of gender affirming care be it hormones or even surgical procedures.

But unfortunately with all my effort I just seem to keep getting the runaround. Unless that is if I ask very specific questions to the insurance rep that is within our company and out myself to my work at the same time.

I'm not really sure how insurance works especially with employers that aren't giant corporations but we use Arizona Blue Cross Blue shield and they offer two different plans basically but it doesn't really go into what all they really cover in depth yes they do a primary care or stuff that covers prescription costs or emergency or urgent Care visits etc but again it doesn't really go into other things like if primary care will send me to someone that specializes in hormone replacement therapy or if I'm able to get any form of medical surgical procedures done through insurance.

From what it seems like I've heard and I don't know how specifically or if it even relates to my situation but I have heard people say that they have had to ask their employers to get with their insurance companies that they use to provide care specifically that was left out since they never had employees that needed gender affirming care before.

I imagine Blue Cross Blue Shields pretty decent in terms of coverage obviously dependent upon whatever plans I choose but they seem like they're a big name insurance provider so I wouldn't imagine that they don't offer anything that covers gender affirming care but again it's one of those things that do I need to try and strong arm my employer into incorporating into their plans or if it's already Incorporated in it.

It seems as of right now I basically have to wait till we have our in person meeting about the new policies and or changes to the old ones to try and talk to the insurance rep or at least get their contact information so I can email them my questions at a later time.


Other than that because of the way I've been feeling I decided to make a appointment with the wig salon to try and have them trim my wig so that it is frames my face better and I also booked a consultation specifically regarding facial feminization surgery with a team out of Seattle Washington only because I've been following them on social media and I like the results that they've been willing to post or show but mainly for the fact that they're consultation fee was only a hundred bucks there wasn't some insanely long wait time for the consultation and they do offer virtual consultations.

I figure at the very least a hundred bucks isn't much for me to finally get a one-on-one with a surgeon and ask some questions. At the bare minimum it'll just be the beginning of doing research on potential surgeons for potential future procedures even though I have no clue how I will be able to afford it or cover the costs at all.

I guess that's me trying to drive and steer my life to an extent and put things in motion and have faith that they'll just all work out on their own. Because if I don't find a way to get insurance that actually covers anything like that and basically going to be stuck with hoping and praying that I win the lottery...

The consultation is in January of 26th so and again for a hundred bucks I feel it's not bad and it won't be a waste of $100 if I'm able to be able to get a one-on-one with an actual surgeon. I've inquired about consultations with other surgeons and their fees were a lot more and they're waiting. Was a hell of a lot longer almost 2 years in some instances just for a sit-down and most of them don't offer virtual consultations so then there was the added stress of paying for travel and hotel fees as well.

So this point I definitely don't mind spending a hundred bucks in order to secure a virtual consultation even if it is just 15 or 20 30 minutes to have someone give me their opinion of what they feel is necessary based off of my features, versus what I feel I need as a priority and also want.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Robby!

I am so proud of you because you are taking steps forward. The wig salon, a consultation with a surgeon, these are huge. Just notice how you feel about these things. Does it feel right? Or maybe feel like it relieves some of the stress? Even small steps move us forward, and if we are moving forward, we are not stuck.

My stepdaughter worked for Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Illinois. It is a top-notch company. From what I can see on their website, their coverage of gender affirming care depends on the specific insurance plan you have. They also mention the MCG Guidelines, which look like recommendations for the specific type of care (inpatient or outpatient), length of hospital stays, etc.

If you have an insurance card, it should tell you the exact plan and plan number, with a phone number you can call or a website you can visit. That keeps you from outing yourself at work.