Robby's Journey

[Robbyv213]

@Pema

My wife and I are about where we were the last time I updated. No real action. She still has not written me the letter she has been saying she wants to write me, nor has she read the letter I wrote her which would give her a lot of insight on things that she brings up.

She says she trying to heal and sort it all out in her own way and that's great. Everyone's process is different. But from my persceptive her process resembles denial and procrastination. Lol. Shes said it many times that she doesn't do well with change or having to be flexible at a moment's notice and this is no different.

I think she's really struggling with all of it and she's not able to work through it or process it. One day she's all about being my biggest supporter and Friends through it and then the very next day she's upset and arguing about things that I thought were something she's already processed.

In the end I think hers identity of self Is so based and strictly rigid on her being a straight woman and I don't think there's any room for compromise or flexibility. I don't feel that she is the type of person that can go without having to label something and from what I've seen she very much cares about what people think especially her family. And again this is all just my perspective.

And on the other hand she hasn't gotten to the point to where she's just up and left or asked me to leave so I don't know I'm sure there were times that she wanted to do that or go to the courthouse and have our marriage annulled on the basis of fraud. But at the end of the day she is exhausted and still very much hurt and I don't think this is a hurt that she's going to be able to deal with or heal from for a very long time and unfortunately I think I'll be dragged along in the process and held back as long as I'm willing to allow her to do so. Or I guess I should say as long as I'm willing to allow myself to use her as a reason to not be as actively taking control and moving forward in my transition faster.

And that's just her dealing with me being transgender and transitioning and not all the other past trauma and trust issues that she has developed over the course of her life. At the end of the day she's just a little girl who wants to be loved who wants to be fought for and who wants to be chosen and to be put first, but at the same time so am I.

[Pema]

Wow. That was a great update. Thank you.

I have to say that I love your clarity and your resolve. It reminds me a bit of the relationship I was in before my wife (~20 years ago). That woman - who was in so many ways an amazing, beautiful being - could at times be so fearful and needy, and saw me as responsible both for inducing her fears and alleviating them. I remember telling her one time, "There is a place, and I am going there - with or without you. I would *love* it if you would join me." We are no longer together, and I have gone to that place, one of peace and stillness and contentment.

So the fact that your wife is defaulting to staying stuck, but you are choosing to move forward ("to that place") tells me a lot about your commitment to self-love and self-care. That you have taken so many steps to share with her your inner world and your process tells me how much you have tried to care for her and to stay connected with her. I see you as a very thoughtful and strong person.

At the end of the day she's just a little girl who wants to be loved who wants to be fought for and who wants to be chosen and to be put first, but at the same time so am I.

Aren't we all... And, ultimately, the person who most needs to choose, put first, and fight for us is ourselves. To expect someone else to be that person is to abdicate your responsibilities not only to yourself but to them as well. Eckhart Tolle talks about the "pain-body," our tendency to see ourselves as victims and harbor grievances against others for oppressing us. It becomes an identity that we unconsciously feed because we wouldn't know who we were without it. Consequently, nobody else *can* "fix" it, because we don't want it to be fixed. The only solution is to recognize it and stop doing it. She has to want that.

I'm proud of you for prioritizing yourself. You deserve it.

Love,
Pema

[Lori Dee ✅]

@Lori Dee no I do not have a letter yet. I will ask for one, although I'm. It sure if the VA allows them to write letters anymore. I know mental health in my area is not allowed to write letters for anything right now, even if it's done off the clock.

I have been told by my VA therapist the same thing: that they won't write letters recommending surgery. However, the letter I received has the physician's name and ID number, state, and a statement that they are certifying that you have completed the necessary clinical therapy for a change of gender. It does not make any recommendations. Any physician or mental health professional who can review your medical records can make that statement. But, as you stated, the VA is unwilling to do anything for us anymore.

If you have access to another provider who might be willing to help, log in to the MyHealthEVet website and download a copy of your medical records that they can use for a reference.

You may not need it. Check out this reference for Ohio:
https://transequality.org/documents/ohio-identity-documents 🔗

Good luck!

[Robbyv213]

Thanks @Lori Dee I'm still not exactly sure how it would work with me being an az resident. I know I can change my name here in az fairly easy, and the. I can submit that to ohio, but as for the gender markers, I think it can potentially go to two different courts in ohio for that request to be approved or not

[Robbyv213]

I just sent my Endo a secure message asking if the provide such letters.

[Robbyv213]

So yesterday I decided to officially tell my brother that I'm transitioning. He took it well and very supportive, which was kind of the outcome I figured would happen since he is a gay himself. I figured it was possibly one of the safest people i could come out to right now with probably a 1% chance of it going on a negative way.

Anyways he was very supportive, and it's probably been the most we have ever talked since we were kids.

[Dances With Trees]

I am so glad to hear your brother is supportive! And I sincerely hope you and your wife come to mutually agreeable, if not satisfactory, terms regarding your marriage. I loved the quote Pema used and you are so right, Robby, we are all little girls. We are all fragile. Hugs.

[ChrissyRyan]

I am glad your brother is supportive.

Chrissy

[Lori Dee ✅]

I am so happy that your brother is supportive. It is very important to have an ally in the family. Not just for someone who is there for you to talk to, but someone who can advocate for you when others are less than supportive. That is wonderful news.

[Pema]

That's wonderful. Each step you take like this helps to solidify your experience that there's nothing wrong with being yourself - and so much that's right.

[Robbyv213]

Looking for advice for a few things.

Firstly I want to come out to my 15 year old daughter, who lives with her mom (my ex) in wa state. I don't think it's a super big deal or I'm not having a lot of fear behind telling her and what may or may not happen. More so I think it is on my wife's side thinking that my ex will try to hold it over me in some way so that I won't be able to see my daughter in the future or she'll want to try to take all custody from me since we still share joint 50/50 custody even though my daughter lives with her basically full-time and I get her for a few weeks in the summer or on school breaks...

Again I don't see there being any kind of an issue. My daughter has many trans friends or friends in the community and she herself is within the community even though she hasn't outright labeled herself as anything specific.

So again I feel that the longer I wait and not tell her will only cause harsh feelings towards me on the assumption that I didn't trust her with knowing that I'm trans or something like that.

I definitely want to tell her sooner than later and I would like to tell her this year maybe during the summer or her next visit.


Second thing that I'm looking for advice on is should I try to inquire further at my place of employment whether or not they have any kind of transgender policies or anything I guess under that umbrella. I already did my research and found out that the company currently does not cover anything gender affirming care related but I don't know if that's a simple case of my employer not knowing they have any trans gender workers and so therefore they're not providing any coverage for it but if they knew they had individuals that identified that way that they might add it to the insurance coverage next year.

If that's the case would it be better to do this by reaching out to HR or would it be better to talk to my shop foreman. HR would be a complete stranger and I would probably never even have a sit-down face-to-face with them. My shop foreman and I already have a working relationship and he's already expressed that I can always come to him for anything with anything especially since he knows that my marriage is in rough Waters, he just doesn't know why. So if I try to inquire further do I go with hr or my shop foreman, I can see both having advantages and disadvantages.

I already feel there is no long term future here if I want to move forward with my transition and have insurance that covers it, again I dont know if this will change if my work changes their policy and as starts to cover gender affirming care or not. Or if I should just assume they won't change and be on the hunt for a new job/employer that does have insurance policies that covers gender affirming care.


And lastly one of my gym buddies recently got hired on at Goodwill to be a store manager and he's actively trying to get me to put my resume in for the same position in a different store. My thing is is that I can't find anything on the internet on whether or not they're a good company to work for as a trans individual. I can't find anything about what kind of benefits they have or typically cover and furthermore if I do try to go that route and get hired on probationarily to do their 15 week manager training program I'm sure I will know doubt have to come out to my friend at that point sooner than I would have if I didn't seek employment in the same company as he is. Especially if he puts in a referral for me and word gets back to him that I got let go due to being trans or having to come out to my supervisor while in training. 

Obviously I know I don't have to come out to anyone if I don't want to but I feel I'm at a point where the HRT is going to be starting to show more physical changes.

[Lori Dee ✅]

Hi Robby,

Good questions.

As to your daughter, during her last visit, you did get time to talk to her, and you noted that things were happening that you felt she should know about. I would pick up from there when you see her again. Just let her know that things have moved along to a point where you would like to discuss it with her, so she understands what is happening.

If you trust the foreman, I might talk with him. Since he offered that you can talk to him about anything, take him up on the offer. He may not know the answers, but he will be in the loop if things change at the company. HR will know the answers about company policies and insurance coverage. Letting them know also protects you from being fired through discrimination. Most companies do not want to invite a lawsuit. I doubt the company would change its insurance policies for one employee. They would incur higher premiums to provide that coverage, so don't count on it. If they have it now, great. HR can give you the details.

Here is information from the Goodwill Industries website:
https://goodwillsp.org/news/inclusive-workplace-trans-community/ 🔗

[Dances With Trees]

My daughter was the first person I told about my gender variance. If she had come unglued, I might not have proceeded. But she is the only person in my world with that much power. So, I can relate a little bit to your trepidation though it seems you're more concerned about your ex's reaction than your daughter's. Fifteen? Wow. Such a turbulent time for my daughter. She was just past 30 when I told her about six years ago. And she was so ambivalent about the whole gender variance thing. But she never stopped loving me, never stopped talking to me, so I think you'll be okay. As far as the ex goes, you're on your own. I never did have any luck communicating with exes. My advice, listen to Lori. I do. 

[Robbyv213]

Yea I'm not all that worried about it as much as my current wife is worried that my ex will try to hold it against me

[Dances With Trees]

Based on my experience, they tend to do that. Based on what you've shared so far, you'll be fine.

[Robbyv213]

So my buddy/friend is telling me I should apply to good will as a store manager. He is currently in the manager in training for them and says he thinks this would be a good fit for me. That it's not like a typical manager job, it's more hands on and not so much paper work side of things.

I feel since this is prob the third time he's mentioned it, I wonder if this is the universe answering me, or trying to nudge me into something that is more in alignment with my path. Especially since I am miserable where I am at working as a Mercedes Benz mechanic.

Says it has good benefits and good salary for being a good will store manager. Here's the listing if you want to check it out.

I guess my question is do I try to see about things with my own work or move to good will assuming they actually make me an offer to be hired. And do I declare in the interview process that I'm transitioning or tell them later after I finish training and make it past my first few months at my own store...


https://www.indeed.com/viewjob?jk=e60187522fedf4ec 🔗

[Lori Dee ✅]

Based on what I saw at the link I sent you, I would be open and honest with them from Day One.

It appears that they are a welcoming and supportive company. They deserve to know what they are getting for their money, and I would think that honesty is a trait they would want to see in a managerial candidate. They cannot discriminate against you, and they have not hired you yet, so at this point, you have lost nothing and gained an opportunity; if it doesn't work out, fine. There will be other opportunities.

If it is something you can see yourself doing happily, go for it.

[Pema]

How do you feel about the description of duties and responsibilities for the Goodwill job? (And also the minimum qualifications.) I notice they say "Transfers to different stores at any time due to business needs."

You said your friend was recently hired, so it's hard for me to know how reliable his recommendation is. It looks to me like a job that is still very much about hiring and managing other people, and that can be pretty challenging. But if it's something that appeals to you, then it may well be worth pursuing.

I think I wouldn't tell them up front about your personal life. You could ask for enough detail about their insurance plan to look up what it covers.

The link Lori provided above about trans-inclusiveness was specifically for the South Piedmont (Carolinas) region. It wouldn't necessarily apply in Arizona. I'd expect that there's an analogous regional affiliation there, but they may or may not have a website with their philosophy.

Questions I'd be asking myself in your situation are:

• Am I trying to move toward or away from something?
• What would I choose as my job if I had any option imaginable?
• What would I do if I changed jobs and it didn't work out?

This seems like an exciting prospect! Please keep us updated.