Robby's Journey

[Robbyv213]

Yea. At this point I'm not even sure if that would be a good fit, a individual who is transitioning having to lead a store and get people to do as I ask. That and I don't see that I'd even care for the work.

I just feel so stuck in all aspects of my life.

Just got word that my progesterone is on back order till the end of the month, and in response to the letter to help change gender marker the response was that it can be done after our next appointment as this is a new Dr who is taking me on, or I can ask my previous one for it. So at this point Im not even sure who my physician is.

I think I'm at the point of just using my credit card to get hrt and care from a organization like plume or folx, at least with the care they give o can justify going into more debt.

[Robbyv213]

So some hopeful good news. I heard back from h.r. rep and benefits rep for good will they have Cigna and they cover gender affirming care. Hormones and surgery (if you meet requirements).

So that right there i feel is more than enough to try to get this position and get hired, and the pay is a increase over what I already make.

And I did ask my friend about the must be able to go to any location as needed, he said he also asked about that and they said it was up to a maximum of 25 miles from your home address, which I feel isn't bad. I've driven longer distances for work in ca, me and pa.

[Pema]

That's very promising! Good luck!

[Lori Dee ✅]

That sounds good.
Better pay PLUS bennies. Sign me up.

Since it is a management position, I would expect there to be more paperwork than people supervision. Good luck!

[Dances With Trees]

Hi, Robby! It's been ages since we last visited. I took a long and necessary break from day-to-day engagement inside SP. Though I hovered in the hallways, listening intently but speaking little. I am so excited by your employment prospect! Fingers crossed all goes well.   

[Robbyv213]

Thanks everyone. I am truly excited now that I have a potential path forward. But then I can't help but feel doubt. Doubt if I'll be happy in this new position. Doubt if I could actually go forward with any potential future surgical procedures.

As I'm sure many people experience doubt at some point to some extent, wondering if they are on the right path, especially right before any surgery...

My mind races, thinking of all possible imaginable futures. Even though I've been wanting and desiring the big surgery as long as I can remember even if I didn't completely understand what it took to achieve my desire of having female anatomy down there I feel like the wanting and the desire is the only way most people know truly that they are on the right path.

And since it seems like the only procedures that are really 100% covered or have the least red tape to cut our top and bottom surgery I feel like that's a step I may not be ready for even after a few years especially since I always imagined or thought that facial procedures would be my first thing, while saving other areas that people don't necessarily see for later.

I'm just kind of ranting and using talk to text since it's a lot easier for me to get my thoughts out and into this journal. And so because it's not necessarily the path I imagined or expected there's always doubt that creeps in whether or not this is the right path for me or if this is just one path that has revealed itself that may not be the best path if I should wait to see if anything else reveals itself or not hesitate to jump on this opportunity.

I've been doing a lot of reading and soul searching from reading. I just started a new book about doing Shadow work and dissolving ego and truly sitting with what has always been deep inside of you and allowing that ego to fade and dissolve from just sitting with and being present with the things that I've always repressed or buried about myself because these things I felt had to be in order to be accepted or loved or to get a specific job or to have friends or to achieve what I thought to be was considered success from an outward perspective...

And so from these books and videos they say that they're really truly is no wrong choice or right choice every choice is a path that will ultimately lead to the same destination sometimes it's a slight detour sometimes it's more direct. But following how you feel about a choice whether it makes you happy and excited or gives you other feelings that are positive or if it's puts fear and dread and anxiety in you or other negative feelings. Usually from what I've been learning is that your intuition speaks through positive feelings and that's how you know if a specific path forward is a good one or not. Granted there will always be ego and doubt to a extent trying to keep you stuck where you're at because it's a form of protection.

I'm going to continue more research and visit a few stores to see if their managers would let me kind of take a tour with them and then wait a little bit to see how my buddy feels about the job once he finishes his training and then make my choice then. Realistically the switch or change probably won't happen until mid February early March time frame.

[davina61]

Follow your heart and the universe and stop over thinking ,it will turn out fine if you just put some trust into things.

[Robbyv213]

Sorry I'm a Gemini, I over think everything. Lol

[Robbyv213]

So last night my wife and I had a conversation where we weren't looking for a answer just expressing thoughts about the fact that if we wanted to end our lease agreement we have till Friday to turn in the written notice of our intent to not renew our lease...

It wasn't a good or bad one. Just a conversation which left me feeling that we will most likely separate and go our own ways here soon. That we both need time. Time for me to figure out who I am, and they can only be done in solitude. And time for her to figure out who she is, and if she thinks she can handle everything that will also come her way as I transition...

I think we both need a rest, and I know another year living together as we are now, if nothing changes will only cause more negativity, and stagnant energy. As much as we love one another, and as much as we both can't see a future where we are not in each other's lives, we at this time are not good for one another, and our bodies, minds and souls need rest from it.

[Maid Marion]

Getting management training is extremely valuable.  Many people never get the chance.
 If you become a manager you get health benefits that companies are reluctant to provide.

Not just health insurance, but you often get someone in HR to assist when insurance puts up a hassle.

It is hard to objectively look at why you would be good at a job.  It is easy to discount your strengths and make too much of your weaknesses.

[Robbyv213]

Looks like my wife and I decided to separate once our lease is up which will be here in 2-3 months depending if we have to do a 1 month extension on our agreement if we feel we're not prepared to move

Hopefully we can get our tax returns submitted and get out refunds in a timely manner since that will be the only way either of us will have the funds to put a deposit down anywhere new...

Emotions have been all over the place. I know it's for the better, but there is so much grief and guilt and shame since I feel all this has happened because I am who I am and I was too afraid to allow myself to show her and to tell her who I really was from the beginning...

As of now things are civil. Our goal is for neither of us to get screwed financially and or have to ask either of our family members for help (financially). We have so much to try to figure out. As of now we are un sure if this will be permanent or just for a year or so.

From everything going on I'm having mental breakdowns at work, having to leave half days or call out taking mental health days. Doesn't help I absolutely hate my job working as a mechanic for a Mercedes dealership. Haven't decided if I should apply to good will, since at this point in time I have zero confidence in myself yet alone to be a leader anymore and to lead and mentor growth in employees that would potentially work for me if I had my own store at Goodwill.

As of right now my mindset is super negative. I can't see any positive outcomes. In all honesty I'm back to idolizing suicide and the thought of how much relief it would be to not be here anymore. Or perhaps sell everything and just find a nice spot to be homeless and opt out of society and it's prison in which it forces all of us to try to live by.

I know I'm being dramatic but the grief and the feelings are there, and I'm not at all joking about the serious thoughts of suicide...

Once again even with moving forward and a near future of myself being on my own still has me forced to be stuck where im at in able to change jobs or move outside of the state since I won't be able to find a place to rent without good credit and job history yet alone have the fund to move out of state.

Bc of all this and having a mental breakdown at work I missed my consultation with the plastic surgery firm in Seattle and I got to pay the non refundable fee and an additional 50 for not cancelling within 24 hrs.

Life is just a one big ->-bleeped-<- show that I'd much rather not participate in anymore.

[Charlotte_Ringwood]

So sorry to hear that you've decided to separate. I'm glad to hear that it's civil as that's at least some of the stress removed, but still doesn't stop things feeling dark and empty. Although I know it's really hard to just turn off feelings and change how you think, please try not to feel guilty. You are facing and have faced feelings and issues that most people never have to deal with. This is difficult and in the end, you can only deal with things when you are ready...but we can't change the past, just try to make the future true.

This is a very tough but temporary situation and I'm sure you can work through it. Being kind to yourself and working through everything in small steps might help, but also knowing the long term truth and goal is important.

I note how you feel you don't want to be here and I totally feel that. It's such an easy place to admire when the pain and scale of what's on your plate is just way too much. Please try to acknowledge that thought but also see there is future beyond the mess. With each bit of energy you find, however little, some of that mess can be sorted. Little by little.

We are all here too when you need to chat or vent.

Love Charlotte 😻

[Pema]

Robby, I'm so sorry. I know this result with your wife was expected, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm glad you're both staying open to the possibility of it being temporary.

I've been in a place that's similar to where you are. Charlotte is right that it's temporary, although I completely get that when you're in the middle of it, it feels pointless and even unbearable.

Please, I hope you'll hang in there. Lean on friends when you can. Lean on us if it helps any. We think of you every day. I mean that.

You're not alone, and it is worth it.

Love,
Pema