New Intro: Louis is now MsLeigh

[Sephirah]

I recently listed to a podcast on judgement. We are all judged wether we do something or not so we need to decide what we stand for and then proceed to live.

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. If you try to live your life based on what other people will think, or say, then your whole life is going to be a never-ending cycle of "Am I doing the right thing?" "Will this make me be seen as this, or that?", "Can I really do this?"

Criticism always says more about the critic than the criticised. Every opinion anyone has about you, is based 95% on how that person feels about themselves, and not how they feel about you. They form their views based on how you make them feel about stuff in their own lives.

And none of this... none of it, you can do anything about. Except to go round and ask everyone in your life who their ideal person is, and then make a giant list of everything you've been told, before trying to become this impossible chimera. Some amalgamation of everyone's expectations. Which no one person will be completely happy with.

To offer my own view on this:

When my more feminine self comes out or I dress feminine it is considered an insult and weak.

This is an example of what I mean. In my view, it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with being feminine. I am going to assume that it's only people who identify as male who think this way, Leigh, and I'll tell you why. It's how you make them feel about themselves. There are some people in the world who think being a man is the ultimate embodiment of awesomeness in the world. And they cannot fathom why someone born with male parts would ever want to give that up. It's a form of chauvinism. Perhaps springing from how they were raised and what they were taught to believe. It is not about who you are, who you want to be... it's about who these people see themselves as and why they consider you a threat to their identity.

As I say, criticism always says more about the critic. Understanding this can help with deciding what's important in your life, and how much you want to feed these insecurities, okay? It isn't wrong to want to be you. It's okay to want to be you. And no one who doesn't know you on a deeply personal level, has any right to judge who you are and how you want to live. Doesn't stop them, but you don't need to supplicate them, honey. *hugs*

[Sarah B]

Hi Sephirah

What can one say to the following:

I recently listed to a podcast on judgement. We are all judged wether we do something or not so we need to decide what we stand for and then proceed to live.

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. If you try to live your life based on what other people will think, or say, then your whole life is going to be a never-ending cycle of "Am I doing the right thing?" "Will this make me be seen as this, or that?", "Can I really do this?"

Criticism always says more about the critic than the criticised. Every opinion anyone has about you, is based 95% on how that person feels about themselves, and not how they feel about you. They form their views based on how you make them feel about stuff in their own lives.

And none of this... none of it, you can do anything about. Except to go round and ask everyone in your life who their ideal person is, and then make a giant list of everything you've been told, before trying to become this impossible chimera. Some amalgamation of everyone's expectations. Which no one person will be completely happy with.

To offer my own view on this:

When my more feminine self comes out or I dress feminine it is considered an insult and weak.

This is an example of what I mean. In my view, it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with being feminine. I am going to assume that it's only people who identify as male who think this way, Leigh, and I'll tell you why. It's how you make them feel about themselves. There are some people in the world who think being a man is the ultimate embodiment of awesomeness in the world. And they cannot fathom why someone born with male parts would ever want to give that up. It's a form of chauvinism. Perhaps springing from how they were raised and what they were taught to believe. It is not about who you are, who you want to be... it's about who these people see themselves as and why they consider you a threat to their identity.

As I say, criticism always says more about the critic. Understanding this can help with deciding what's important in your life, and how much you want to feed these insecurities, okay? It isn't wrong to want to be you. It's okay to want to be you. And no one who doesn't know you on a deeply personal level, has any right to judge who you are and how you want to live. Doesn't stop them, but you don't need to supplicate them, honey

But, WOW WOW WOW and WOW.  I'm always saying in new greetings that I like learning something new.  However I also like learning something new each day.  Today is no different and what Sephirah said, has totally blown me away.  Her wisdom in this post has certainly radiated beyond measure.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@MsLeigh
@Sephirah

[Lori Dee]

Absolutely true.

When you think about it, all of our lives we played a role in society that was forced upon us. That role was not our decision but resulted from how others saw us and expected us to behave. When we become uncomfortable with that role, that is dysphoria by definition.

The problem that many of us make is that we exchange the role that we don't want for a role that we want. We are still trying to fit a mold of what others perceive. We want to appear more feminine because that fits society's view of how we as women should look and act. But the mistake is that it is still a role. We worry about passing and being judged.

Just. Be. Yourself.

If that means wearing a dress with work boots, so what? If that means hair and makeup, so what?
Don't worry about conforming to society's view. Work on conforming to YOUR view of YOURSELF. Everything else is secondary.

[Sephirah]

Absolutely true.

When you think about it, all of our lives we played a role in society that was forced upon us. That role was not our decision but resulted from how others saw us and expected us to behave. When we become uncomfortable with that role, that is dysphoria by definition.

The problem that many of us make is that we exchange the role that we don't want for a role that we want. We are still trying to fit a mold of what others perceive. We want to appear more feminine because that fits society's view of how we as women should look and act. But the mistake is that it is still a role. We worry about passing and being judged.

Just. Be. Yourself.

If that means wearing a dress with work boots, so what? If that means hair and makeup, so what?
Don't worry about conforming to society's view. Work on conforming to YOUR view of YOURSELF. Everything else is secondary.

Wise words, as always. You do you and let the world take care of itself.

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

Sephirah's above analysis, gives the details behind what I have always said when I have posted on certain issues.  Take for example the following:

I'm sure it's too late for anyone to give you any advice on this, since most of this part of your story is at least 20 years old!  I suppose "but I am missing that training !"  I could comment on.  When I changed my life around.  All I said to myself at the time, I suppose within the first couple of months, was; "just be yourself" and I just learned what I needed as I went about my life and that has always worked for me.

and

I consider one of the most important traits, when I changed my life around was; "just be yourself" and that was how I presented myself to others around me, very early on.

One more for the road, this was one of my early posts not long after I joined Susan's and something to consider:

I may be a bit presumptuous, but your female identity is already there and you may not realize it.  Your female identity is you.  It's within you.  Whatever you have done in the past is part of your female personality.

One of the main things when I changed, was to say to myself, "just be yourself and go out and be confident, regardless of what I did before" and I have done a lot of things that I have not mentioned here on Susan's, it was a part of my life.

Point is I had too, because as I have said in other posts, "I was working and living as female, inside of 3 months", that's not to say I did not have to contend with the day to day issues of my change. I did and basically there is no way around them.  I had to go on living regardless, of whatever decision I made and there is no getting around that fact.

So, your female personality and identity will develop over time and of course it will blossom and again be confident and be yourself and you will go far.

This was nearly 36 years ago, so yeah, "just be yourself", regardless of what others say.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

[MsLeigh]

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. If you try to live your life based on what other people will think, or say, then your whole life is going to be a never-ending cycle of "Am I doing the right thing?" "Will this make me be seen as this, or that?", "Can I really do this?"

Criticism always says more about the critic than the criticised. Every opinion anyone has about you, is based 95% on how that person feels about themselves, and not how they feel about you. They form their views based on how you make them feel about stuff in their own lives.

And none of this... none of it, you can do anything about. Except to go round and ask everyone in your life who their ideal person is, and then make a giant list of everything you've been told, before trying to become this impossible chimera. Some amalgamation of everyone's expectations. Which no one person will be completely happy with.

To offer my own view on this:

This is an example of what I mean. In my view, it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with being feminine. I am going to assume that it's only people who identify as male who think this way, Leigh, and I'll tell you why. It's how you make them feel about themselves. There are some people in the world who think being a man is the ultimate embodiment of awesomeness in the world. And they cannot fathom why someone born with male parts would ever want to give that up. It's a form of chauvinism. Perhaps springing from how they were raised and what they were taught to believe. It is not about who you are, who you want to be... it's about who these people see themselves as and why they consider you a threat to their identity.

As I say, criticism always says more about the critic. Understanding this can help with deciding what's important in your life, and how much you want to feed these insecurities, okay? It isn't wrong to want to be you. It's okay to want to be you. And no one who doesn't know you on a deeply personal level, has any right to judge who you are and how you want to live. Doesn't stop them, but you don't need to supplicate them, honey. *hugs*

This was an awesome read. Thank you for taking so much time to put your brain and heart into it. I have read it slowly three times to soak it in. I  have copied the text into a diary of inspiration on my computer. It has been a wealth of support the last few days.
I am so glad to have met you on line. HUGS

Timing was good too. I was in a "discussion" with wife. She adamantly explained she will not accept me in any degree female.  She no longer wants to see me or see my underwear or sleepwear in the house. She stated I need to grasp the fact I was born with male parts and I need to force my mind to accept that I am male.  My statements and arguments fell on selective hearing. Wow what a tense day. Fact is nothing she said did anything to convince me I am a mental case or wrong or not female.

Leigh

[MsLeigh]

Hi Sephirah

What can one say to the following:

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. If you try to live your life based on what other people will think, or say, then your whole life is going to be a never-ending cycle of "Am I doing the right thing?" "Will this make me be seen as this, or that?", "Can I really do this?"

Criticism always says more about the critic than the criticised. Every opinion anyone has about you, is based 95% on how that person feels about themselves, and not how they feel about you. They form their views based on how you make them feel about stuff in their own lives.

And none of this... none of it, you can do anything about. Except to go round and ask everyone in your life who their ideal person is, and then make a giant list of everything you've been told, before trying to become this impossible chimera. Some amalgamation of everyone's expectations. Which no one person will be completely happy with.

To offer my own view on this:

This is an example of what I mean. In my view, it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with being feminine. I am going to assume that it's only people who identify as male who think this way, Leigh, and I'll tell you why. It's how you make them feel about themselves. There are some people in the world who think being a man is the ultimate embodiment of awesomeness in the world. And they cannot fathom why someone born with male parts would ever want to give that up. It's a form of chauvinism. Perhaps springing from how they were raised and what they were taught to believe. It is not about who you are, who you want to be... it's about who these people see themselves as and why they consider you a threat to their identity.

As I say, criticism always says more about the critic. Understanding this can help with deciding what's important in your life, and how much you want to feed these insecurities, okay? It isn't wrong to

Hi Sephirah

What can one say to the following:

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. If you try to live your life based on what other people will think, or say, then your whole life is going to be a never-ending cycle of "Am I doing the right thing?" "Will this make me be seen as this, or that?", "Can I really do this?"

Criticism always says more about the critic than the criticised. Every opinion anyone has about you, is based 95% on how that person feels about themselves, and not how they feel about you. They form their views based on how you make them feel about stuff in their own lives.

And none of this... none of it, you can do anything about. Except to go round and ask everyone in your life who their ideal person is, and then make a giant list of everything you've been told, before trying to become this impossible chimera. Some amalgamation of everyone's expectations. Which no one person will be completely happy with.

To offer my own view on this:

This is an example of what I mean. In my view, it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with being feminine. I am going to assume that it's only people who identify as male who think this way, Leigh, and I'll tell you why. It's how you make them feel about themselves. There are some people in the world who think being a man is the ultimate embodiment of awesomeness in the world. And they cannot fathom why someone born with male parts would ever want to give that up. It's a form of chauvinism. Perhaps springing from how they were raised and what they were taught to believe. It is not about who you are, who you want to be... it's about who these people see themselves as and why they consider you a threat to their identity.

As I say, criticism always says more about the critic. Understanding this can help with deciding what's important in your life, and how much you want to feed these insecurities, okay? It isn't wrong to want to be you. It's okay to want to be you. And no one who doesn't know you on a deeply personal level, has any right to judge who you are and how you want to live. Doesn't stop them, but you don't need to supplicate them, honey

But, WOW WOW WOW and WOW.  I'm always saying in new greetings that I like learning something new.  However I also like learning something new each day.  Today is no different and what Sephirah said, has totally blown me away.  Her wisdom in this post has certainly radiated beyond measure.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@MsLeigh
@Sephirah

Hi Sephirah

What can one say to the following:

Yeah, that's kind of the thing. If you try to live your life based on what other people will think, or say, then your whole life is going to be a never-ending cycle of "Am I doing the right thing?" "Will this make me be seen as this, or that?", "Can I really do this?"

Criticism always says more about the critic than the criticised. Every opinion anyone has about you, is based 95% on how that person feels about themselves, and not how they feel about you. They form their views based on how you make them feel about stuff in their own lives.

And none of this... none of it, you can do anything about. Except to go round and ask everyone in your life who their ideal person is, and then make a giant list of everything you've been told, before trying to become this impossible chimera. Some amalgamation of everyone's expectations. Which no one person will be completely happy with.

To offer my own view on this:

This is an example of what I mean. In my view, it has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with being feminine. I am going to assume that it's only people who identify as male who think this way, Leigh, and I'll tell you why. It's how you make them feel about themselves. There are some people in the world who think being a man is the ultimate embodiment of awesomeness in the world. And they cannot fathom why someone born with male parts would ever want to give that up. It's a form of chauvinism. Perhaps springing from how they were raised and what they were taught to believe. It is not about who you are, who you want to be... it's about who these people see themselves as and why they consider you a threat to their identity.

As I say, criticism always says more about the critic. Understanding this can help with deciding what's important in your life, and how much you want to feed these insecurities, okay? It isn't wrong to want to be you. It's okay to want to be you. And no one who doesn't know you on a deeply personal level, has any right to judge who you are and how you want to live. Doesn't stop them, but you don't need to supplicate them, honey

But, WOW WOW WOW and WOW.  I'm always saying in new greetings that I like learning something new.  However I also like learning something new each day.  Today is no different and what Sephirah said, has totally blown me away.  Her wisdom in this post has certainly radiated beyond measure.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@MsLeigh
@Sephirah

But, WOW WOW WOW and WOW.  I'm always saying in new greetings that I like learning something new.  However I also like learning something new each day.  Today is no different and what Sephirah said, has totally blown me away.  Her wisdom in this post has certainly radiated beyond measure.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@MsLeigh
@Sephirah

Sarah B

Ditto to your words, I could not have said well done and thank you from my heart any better.
Thank you both from my heart.

Many hugs
Leigh

[D'Amalie]

I said this some time ago and posted to the forums here, something like this:  "I still see and hear who I used to be, who I am, who I'm gonna be."

Until I CHOSE to "chill out," others hurt me a lot more.  Today?  not so much.  Honey, I just live considerate of others and my self, avoiding conflict where ever possible and keeping my big mouth shut. 

Apologies to Mr. Frost, I think all of us here take the road less traveled by, And that makes all the difference.

[Lori Dee]

She stated I need to grasp the fact I was born with male parts and I need to force my mind to accept that I am male. 

I find this statement interesting because it is something I have heard many times.

So how does one "force your mind to accept" anything?

As a retired hypnotherapist, I know techniques that can be used to convince your mind of something that isn't true. Those are dangerous and can be quite damaging.

So what is the safe and effective thing to do? Get therapy. Good. OK, we did that. We have our diagnosis, so now let's begin medical treatment. First, we start with hormone replacement and if that isn't enough, so may elect to have surgery.

With a 90% success rate, post-op finally feel that they are normal again. We don't change our minds about who we are inside. We change our bodies to correct the false image of ourselves that we were born with.

Sorry, but the wife has it backward. We force our bodies to accept what our minds already know. And when we have accomplished that, then we begin to be at peace.

[Sephirah]

She stated I need to grasp the fact I was born with male parts and I need to force my mind to accept that I am male.  My statements and arguments fell on selective hearing. Wow what a tense day. Fact is nothing she said did anything to convince me I am a mental case or wrong or not female.

Leigh

She needs you to grasp the fact that you were born with parts you didn't want. And that makes you someone you aren't. It's guilt tripping and gaslighting, and sadly it's all too common. It's someone not understanding because they don't want to understand. Because they don't want their world to change. That's what you need to get, sweetie.

What you actually need to grasp is that you decide who you are. No one around you gets to make that choice. They have to deal with it. And if they can't, that is not your fault. It's not about organs. What is where. And you cannot convince someone who does not want to be convinced. All you can do is respect how they feel and accept that it is not how you feel. In doing so, you have to ask if this person is healthy in your life, for both your sakes.