Emma1017 ... Which hurts less - Volume Two

[Sephirah]

Some thoughts from talking with with my wife today:

I really expect too much from my late-in-life transgender relationship with her. I am a romantic, but I am not in a romantic relationship.  She made that point again today regarding our anniversary, Valentine's Day, and our first date.  She said that our romantic relationship died when I discovered and shared that I am a transgender female.  Whenever I allude to romantic love in our relationship, it hurts her.

We love each other, but she has made it clear that her love for me is not romantic.  Romantic love involves an intimacy and passion that, to be fair to our relationship, died many years ago, well before I was diagnosed as transgender but maybe because I was transgender without knowing.

It hurt me when she said that, but, in fairness to her, she is right.  I guess I just don't want to let go of the romantic images in my head.

I believe that what we have is really love, but in the form of true love.  I like this description:

"True love is a sincere, deep, and unconditional feeling of love. It involves total acceptance and understanding of one's partner, as well as a willingness to share joys and sorrows together. True love also means having a commitment to mutually support and build a harmonious and lasting relationship."

Romantic love was a gender façade that hid our true love.  It lacked the substance that neither of us wanted to admit. I am sorry that she has no romantic love for me.  It hurts me as well, but I have to be happy that true love is what we do have.  It seems deeper in different ways.  I miss the romance, but at least I know I didn't kill it by being transgender. 

But ok, I get it. She loves me but she is not a lesbian.

I can live and love with that. ❤️

I don't want to go too deep into this, Emma. Not today. Other than to say that no, you don't expect too much. If someone loves you, you should never feel hurt by it. If you do... it's not love. It's something else. I feel like you're justifying a lot of things you really shouldn't be, and it's hurting you in the process.

I want you to be okay, but not at the expense of yourself. Relationships are two way things. If one person gets to decide all the terms... that isn't healthy, for either of you.

[Emma1017]

Lauren, as always, you have my back, and I love you for it. 

We all use this site to share, vent, and learn from each other.  We all do the best we can with the limitations of words.  Writing is far more expressive than texting, which I despise, but writing has limitations. The flow of a personal conversation would eliminate so many misunderstandings.

I will try to explain better.

My relationship with my wife is complicated.  Describing love is as complicated as describing gender.  It starts in our heads and then spreads out to our tangible realities.  On this site, I have tried to confront both my love for my wife and my recognition that I was a transgender female.
 
I came to this site eight years ago because gender dysphoria and my love were tearing me apart. I am massively grateful to you and everyone here for stopping my head from exploding.  The name of my blog says it all:  "Which is worse, not transitioning or losing my wife?"  I have written about my gender journey here to vent some of the pain, share some of my thoughts, and to simply be among friends.

I have made decisions, and I have made compromises to essentially have both in my life, my wife and my gender.  As I have shared here, there have been rough patches, but the majority of the time, it has been wonderful.  I am not striving for perfection.

There are moments that I wish I could fully transition, and there are moments that I hate being transgender, but at the end of all this internal turmoil. I really like who I am.

I wish I was physically Emma all the time, but Emma is me all of the time, and that is an amazing feeling.  My wife sees "me", even if my physical gender expression isn't clear.

What you read here is my biased, and sometimes very emotional feelings.  I can promise you that this is not true: "one person gets to decide all the terms".  She has been with me through everything, and that is what matters.  If I continue in my male persona to keep us together, keep my job, and get through life together, it is well worth the occasional moments of wishing I had everything. 

Romantic love versus true love is just another definition.  We are in love.

You and everyone here get 100% Emma, emotionally and physically. My wife gets 100% of my soul and my love; the world gets whatever I want to share with it.

Lauren, you are an incredible person who shares your heart through caring words with everyone here.  I wanted to make sure that you understand that the bangs and bruises I share here are just the cost of living. 

My heart and soul are ok, but sometimes my emotional shins get banged up... 

Love and a very warm hug,

Emma

[Lori Dee ✅]

but Emma is me all of the time, and that is an amazing feeling. 

Emma is a beautiful person, and I am glad that you share yourself with us.

Your entire post explains it clearly, but that line hit me right in the feels.

Hugs!

[Pema]

Emma, one of the many things I love about you is how calm and clear and centered you are. I'm sure you'll say, "Oh, you haven't seen me when I'm not," and that's fair. But what I have seen in my ~year here is exactly that. Yes, you've shared your banged-up emotional shins and described your longing for things that aren't in the cards for today, but it's always been with a circumspect pragmatism and a gratitude for all that you do have. I find it absolutely unsurprising that you're appreciated as an exceptional teacher.

Emma is a beautiful person, and I am glad that you share yourself with us.

It's hard to improve upon what Lori said. In addition to her quote, I thought this one was lovely, too:

You and everyone here get 100% Emma, emotionally and physically. My wife gets 100% of my soul and my love; the world gets whatever I want to share with it.

Your life is yours to live as you choose, and it seems clear to me that you are living your life more consciously, more fully than most people I know. Beyond asking "Are you content doing what you're doing?" - which you've answered definitively - there's no value to my suggesting changes to your (or anyone's) life. It seems to me that you're living it quite effectively.

But there was a hidden gem in there. The world gets what you choose to share, and you've chosen to share 100% Emma with us. That trust, that generosity - that gift - bring tears to my eyes. The world needs Emma, and this is the place where she is free to be her at all times - and we are the beneficiaries.

You brighten our world, Emma. No words can express my appreciation. Keep showing us how it's done.

[Emma1017]

Loria and Pema, thank you both for the amazingly generous compliments. I honestly don't think that I match up with them, but thank you anyway.

You both understand what I love about Susan's.  I feel unrestrained to be me here, with all my warts.  I share the photos of myself because only a few ever get to see the real me, just happy to be me, and I feel safe among friends to share them.  Don't get me wrong, in my male guise, I can be very happy, but as Emma, I feel a much deeper happiness.  My therapist calls it the "Emma smile". I didn't understand it until I saw the photos of me and accepted that it truly was me.

If I am centered, Pema, it is because people here and in my life helped me get there. I am never alone, and I think that many come here to finally feel part of a community.

I am glad I found it here.

Thank you all.