Emma1017 ... Which hurts less - Volume Two

[Sephirah]

Some thoughts from talking with with my wife today:

I really expect too much from my late-in-life transgender relationship with her. I am a romantic, but I am not in a romantic relationship.  She made that point again today regarding our anniversary, Valentine's Day, and our first date.  She said that our romantic relationship died when I discovered and shared that I am a transgender female.  Whenever I allude to romantic love in our relationship, it hurts her.

We love each other, but she has made it clear that her love for me is not romantic.  Romantic love involves an intimacy and passion that, to be fair to our relationship, died many years ago, well before I was diagnosed as transgender but maybe because I was transgender without knowing.

It hurt me when she said that, but, in fairness to her, she is right.  I guess I just don't want to let go of the romantic images in my head.

I believe that what we have is really love, but in the form of true love.  I like this description:

"True love is a sincere, deep, and unconditional feeling of love. It involves total acceptance and understanding of one's partner, as well as a willingness to share joys and sorrows together. True love also means having a commitment to mutually support and build a harmonious and lasting relationship."

Romantic love was a gender façade that hid our true love.  It lacked the substance that neither of us wanted to admit. I am sorry that she has no romantic love for me.  It hurts me as well, but I have to be happy that true love is what we do have.  It seems deeper in different ways.  I miss the romance, but at least I know I didn't kill it by being transgender. 

But ok, I get it. She loves me but she is not a lesbian.

I can live and love with that. ❤️

I don't want to go too deep into this, Emma. Not today. Other than to say that no, you don't expect too much. If someone loves you, you should never feel hurt by it. If you do... it's not love. It's something else. I feel like you're justifying a lot of things you really shouldn't be, and it's hurting you in the process.

I want you to be okay, but not at the expense of yourself. Relationships are two way things. If one person gets to decide all the terms... that isn't healthy, for either of you.

[Emma1017]

Lauren, as always, you have my back, and I love you for it. 

We all use this site to share, vent, and learn from each other.  We all do the best we can with the limitations of words.  Writing is far more expressive than texting, which I despise, but writing has limitations. The flow of a personal conversation would eliminate so many misunderstandings.

I will try to explain better.

My relationship with my wife is complicated.  Describing love is as complicated as describing gender.  It starts in our heads and then spreads out to our tangible realities.  On this site, I have tried to confront both my love for my wife and my recognition that I was a transgender female.
 
I came to this site eight years ago because gender dysphoria and my love were tearing me apart. I am massively grateful to you and everyone here for stopping my head from exploding.  The name of my blog says it all:  "Which is worse, not transitioning or losing my wife?"  I have written about my gender journey here to vent some of the pain, share some of my thoughts, and to simply be among friends.

I have made decisions, and I have made compromises to essentially have both in my life, my wife and my gender.  As I have shared here, there have been rough patches, but the majority of the time, it has been wonderful.  I am not striving for perfection.

There are moments that I wish I could fully transition, and there are moments that I hate being transgender, but at the end of all this internal turmoil. I really like who I am.

I wish I was physically Emma all the time, but Emma is me all of the time, and that is an amazing feeling.  My wife sees "me", even if my physical gender expression isn't clear.

What you read here is my biased, and sometimes very emotional feelings.  I can promise you that this is not true: "one person gets to decide all the terms".  She has been with me through everything, and that is what matters.  If I continue in my male persona to keep us together, keep my job, and get through life together, it is well worth the occasional moments of wishing I had everything. 

Romantic love versus true love is just another definition.  We are in love.

You and everyone here get 100% Emma, emotionally and physically. My wife gets 100% of my soul and my love; the world gets whatever I want to share with it.

Lauren, you are an incredible person who shares your heart through caring words with everyone here.  I wanted to make sure that you understand that the bangs and bruises I share here are just the cost of living. 

My heart and soul are ok, but sometimes my emotional shins get banged up... 

Love and a very warm hug,

Emma

[Lori Dee ✅]

but Emma is me all of the time, and that is an amazing feeling. 

Emma is a beautiful person, and I am glad that you share yourself with us.

Your entire post explains it clearly, but that line hit me right in the feels.

Hugs!

[Pema]

Emma, one of the many things I love about you is how calm and clear and centered you are. I'm sure you'll say, "Oh, you haven't seen me when I'm not," and that's fair. But what I have seen in my ~year here is exactly that. Yes, you've shared your banged-up emotional shins and described your longing for things that aren't in the cards for today, but it's always been with a circumspect pragmatism and a gratitude for all that you do have. I find it absolutely unsurprising that you're appreciated as an exceptional teacher.

Emma is a beautiful person, and I am glad that you share yourself with us.

It's hard to improve upon what Lori said. In addition to her quote, I thought this one was lovely, too:

You and everyone here get 100% Emma, emotionally and physically. My wife gets 100% of my soul and my love; the world gets whatever I want to share with it.

Your life is yours to live as you choose, and it seems clear to me that you are living your life more consciously, more fully than most people I know. Beyond asking "Are you content doing what you're doing?" - which you've answered definitively - there's no value to my suggesting changes to your (or anyone's) life. It seems to me that you're living it quite effectively.

But there was a hidden gem in there. The world gets what you choose to share, and you've chosen to share 100% Emma with us. That trust, that generosity - that gift - bring tears to my eyes. The world needs Emma, and this is the place where she is free to be her at all times - and we are the beneficiaries.

You brighten our world, Emma. No words can express my appreciation. Keep showing us how it's done.

[Emma1017]

Loria and Pema, thank you both for the amazingly generous compliments. I honestly don't think that I match up with them, but thank you anyway.

You both understand what I love about Susan's.  I feel unrestrained to be me here, with all my warts.  I share the photos of myself because only a few ever get to see the real me, just happy to be me, and I feel safe among friends to share them.  Don't get me wrong, in my male guise, I can be very happy, but as Emma, I feel a much deeper happiness.  My therapist calls it the "Emma smile". I didn't understand it until I saw the photos of me and accepted that it truly was me.

If I am centered, Pema, it is because people here and in my life helped me get there. I am never alone, and I think that many come here to finally feel part of a community.

I am glad I found it here.

Thank you all.

[Sephirah]

As long as you're okay, Emma. That's what I care about most. I don't like seeing you hurt. As my friend, it makes me hurt. So I try to make it better. Sometimes, admittedly, ham-fistedly, because I don't know the details.

I think... what bothers me most is how one person in a two person relationship can sometimes get to decide what does and doesn't happen for the other person. And you have to be okay with it. I think that's probably because I've never been someone, as a Scorpio, who is content to just go along for the ride. I am kind of a control freak. Which is why people should never be in a relationship with me, lol.

But that's why you have a wife and I don't. <3

[Emma1017]

Lauren, I absolutely love you.  You have my back and you have my heart.

There is something unique with my relationship with my wife. The is more sharing between us than I have effectively shared with you all here. 

My nature is to give more than I get back. It is just the way I am, but my wife is very similar.  Being transgender and the throwing that gender wrench into our relationship was a massive shock, for both of us. I had to find a way to live with being transgender, but she didn't. She stayed. That means a lot to me.

The relationship can get battered at times, but we both feel it's worth it.

Not sure what this means but she is Capricorn and I am a Libra.😁

[Sephirah]

My little brother was a Capricorn. Wasn't afraid to butt heads with anyone. The first girl I ever dated was a Libra. You are focused on other people. It's in your nature.

I know a lot of people don't believe in this... but you'd be surprised how accurate it is for people. In your case... from https://www.astrology.com/zodiac-signs/libra 🔗

"Libra is the seventh sign of the zodiac, and it's at this point in the zodiac that we start to see a shift. While the first six signs of the zodiac focus on the individual, the last six focus on the individual's contact with others and with the world. The Libra zodiac sign is first and foremost focused on others and how they relate to them. We can call this the sign of Partnership with a capital 'P' because these folks do not want to be alone!"

[ChrissyRyan]

Emma,


Have a wonderful weekend ahead!


Chrissy

[davina61]

Get out my way as I am Aries, head down and batter my way through things!!!!

[Emma1017]

Lauren, it is crazy how zodiac signs actually reflect the person.

Chrissy, have a wonderful weekend too...and everyone else as well!!!

Davina, your passion for cars now makes sense!

[Emma1017]

Danielle, every time I get ready to complain about snow, I think of you.  Who am I to complain!😄

Tomorrow we are expecting 6 to 12 inches on top of the residual snow from three weeks ago.  We laid a supply of scones, fresh bread, hot chocolate, and marshmallows so we are all set.

[ChrissyRyan]

Sounds as if you prepared for the winter storm.  Cuddle up.


Chrissy

[EllenW]

Tomorrow we are expecting 6 to 12 inches on top of the residual snow from three weeks ago. 

Emma,
Please send some of that snow my way. Our local snow pack is still below what it needs to be to provide the water Southern California needs

Ellen

[Emma1017]

Ellen, I wish I could send you some of this snow!  The prediction is now up to 24"!

[Pema]

Oh, my. That sounds like a lot of hot chocolate to me.

We could use some in our mountains here, too, otherwise summer is going to be very, very dry.

[ChrissyRyan]

Enjoy the pretty snowfall from inside!


Chrissy

[Emma1017]

OK, the blizzard finally ended.  We wound up with 20 inches of wet snow in my yard.  It was like shoveling cement...but it was really pretty to see.

I was having trouble with the non-IMGUR photo sites, so I couldn't download any pictures.

NYC is going to be a mess this week as it all starts to melt.

[davina61]

On my local news this morning they said New York was shut down due to 2ft of snow, folks told to stay home. Also a newspaper wont be printed for the first day since ages.

[Dances With Trees]

Stay safe and warm, Emma! Yesterday, Montana was in the '60's and I scarcely remember what snow looks like.